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ok now this site you can not do nothing like neopets but it is still ok ..... now this site you have the choice of being a vampire or a werewolf ......it is the battle between them .... you battle other user and train and hunt ....the choice is yours http://s5.bitefight.org/c.php?uid=78321 To become a werewolf http://s5.bitefight.org/c.php?uid=78386 To become a vampire after joining it will give you the option to join my clan that is up to you feel free to join ....... come join me on neopets..... i know i know but this site has millions of games and for a dial up connection this site loads fast i have had my name on it for alil over 3 and half years .... i get a prize for every person i refer other wise i would even say anything on here but all you have to do ir verify your email address and i will get the referal prize in a week ....... if you want just give me the login info and i will put the name to use....... sign up is only like
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~*~ Our sensual desires~*~ Are you looking for a fun, adult,no drama group? A place where you can get diff variety of porn,as well as jokes,games, music,fun and flirty conversations. ODS is just that. We ask that you make at least two sends,Of anything your sensual little self desires. If you have any questions... If you would like to join...
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Rotatrix Friends NetworkGet Paid To $ocialize at the #1 $ocial Network! Social Networking meets Home BusinessMonetize Your WebsiteJust add a small piece of code to your Website or Get more FAN to your Siteand never be cheated again by Click Fraud !Start Your Business FREETired of working for the man, Now you can STOP href="http://www.slashmysearch.com/earn/id/68932_1_bid_5"> http://www.slashmysearch.com/earn/members/?req=tools&type=banners
Joining The Pririt Levalers Family
Family rules for joining the spirit levelers! >Don't join this family because you are in a contest >You cannot enter any contest for 30 day's after joining because of previous scheduled events. > You can't belong to any other bombing family can not be disrespectful to any family member ,treat them as you would want to be treated > You "MUST" have a salute and be a level 5 or higher,Be respectful to all other members,help all members when they are in contest or give aways,when you reach about 20.000 we will put you in a leveling pimp out so that everyone will come and blow your page up and level you fast!We are a "DRAMA FREE" family anyone found causing Drama will be removed at once "NO QUESTIONS ASKED" we will not put up with it!We ask that you repost our bulletins and check the home page daily for new blog postings,we are a bombing family as well so when asked to help out with some comments in a contest or give away please do so!So if you would like to join go to Spirit Levele
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HEY ALL....WANT TO JOIN A FUN GROUP...LETS HELP ONE ANOTHER LEVEL AND JUST HAVE FUN....FUBAR HAS ITS MKN WHATEVER GROUP...LETS FORM SOMETHING NEW AND TRUE....U DONT HAVE TO BE A SUPER STAR....LOOK AT ME
The Joint
If you have not been to our lounge recently, you're missing out ON GIRLS AND GUYS ON CAM! CLICK THE PIC OR LINK TO GOTO ♠THE JØIN†♠{**ADULTS ØNLY**} http://www.fubar.com/new_lounge.php?lid=55361 -DJ THC & THE JOINT --------------------------------- WHERE YOU AT??? DJ THC IN DA JOINT!!!! ♠THE JOINT♠ ALL ARE WELCOME!!!
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THE FREAK SHOW Are you a part of the FREAK SHOW? If so, make sure you have showed lots of Freak'n love to your fellow FREAKS! If you don't have your ticket yet... IT'S NOT TOO LATE! STEP INSIDE! We will start the 3rd Row Seating TODAY! The first 5 will get a Bling from PebblesinAZ! THE ORIGINAL FREAK: Freak@ fubar and THE UNDERCOVER FREAK: ~PebblesinAZ~READ MY BLOGS~ OwN3d by Emanon! XOXO@ fubar ...have put together a little adventure for you. Not to be confused with any train, plane, coaster or boat ride! It's a... ...and you are about to meet some... The dictionary describes a "FREAK" as... A person who is abnormal, odd or has withdrawn from rational behavior. Hmm...YEP! That about covers it! So without further ADO here are the FREAKS! ~~~FREAK SHOW V.I.P.s~~~ ☠☠☠BrightEyedArtist☠☠☠@ fubar ~*TinkerbellMN84*~ {Please take the time to actually look at my profile}@ fubar ♥S
Join Me For My 1st Happy Hour
WHERE WILL U BE @ 9PM CENTRAL TIME??.... COME JOIN LISASWEET TONIGHT DURING HER HAPPY HOUR AND HELP HER LEVEL UP TO DISCIPLE!! SHO' HER SUM FU ♥'N & RATE HER PIX AND STASH!! IF U'RE NOT ALREADY A FRIEND, FAN, ADD & RATE HER! SHE'S TRULY A SWEET LADY, JUST LIKE HER NAME!!☺♥☻♥ LET'S HELP HER GET TO THAT NEXT LEVEL! SHE'S BEEN A GOD-MOTHER FAR TOO LONG!
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'Ctgirl - *OWNER OF THE FU-LUV BOMB SQUAD* - OWNED BY TUFFGUY-Fu Wife to Scout4u' spewed forth the following at '2008-03-14 21:11:39'.. > > > > > > > > > > FEEL THE LOVE AND JOIN FU LUV BOMB SQUAD! WE WANT YOU!!! > > TO JOIN US PLEASE SEND A MESSAGE TO THE OWNER, THEN YOU HAVE TO FAN, RATE AND ADD ALL CURRENT MEMBERS!!! YOU WILL BE ADDED ONCE THIS IS CONFIRMED. KISSES TO ALL AND LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!! > > > > RULES ARE BASIC AND WILL BE ADJUSTED AS NEEDED. > 1. No Drama Allowed! > 2. All must fan, rate and add ALL members. > **New Prospects send a note when u add stating Fu Luv Bomb Squad.. > 3. Must add owner to family > 4. Become member ouf our Lounge (Blue Orion) > 5. Officers will decide on who to bomb. > 6. Any member not actively involved in helping others will be removed from team and will receive no help in any contest or giveaway. > 7. Blog will be updated as new members join. Please Check on Owners page daily and repost the n
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Joining The Graveyard Family!!
Join The New Train Everyone
Welcome to the MIdnight Special If youd like to b part of the crew send me a message in either shoutbox or email id b happy to add u HAPPPPPPPPPPPY EASTER N WELCOME EVERYONE !!! so heres the deal rate fan add everyone thats on board Repost bullletin !! meet some new friends and have some fun when ur done with that send me a message in shoutbox n ill make sure to add u !! not much to it right? so climb aboard have a coctail n enjoy the ride This is me!!۞ ◊HØÑË¥ßÀßË◊♥~ R/L WIFE OF EDDITUNE ۞@ fubar eddietune@ fubar ♪ BLADE ♪@ fubar (¯`·._ JØHÑJØHÑ_.·´¯) HEAD ENFORCER/BARTENDER @ SWEETWATERS LOUNGE@ fubar DUKK77**Enforcer/DJ/Greeter for Sweetwater's@ fubar SexyCleavage...I'm Smut's playtoy & open for others...promoter 4 diablo's den&sweetwater@ fubar Wet Dreams©™ღOwner of Lucifugeღ~Bartender@TheScooterBar~Member of The Spankers Bombsquad@ fubar
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Ridin’ Dirty on the FS Ride Come Join Me!!! Buckle up & Enjoy the Ride Rules: 1)No Drama 2)U must Fan/Rate/Add Everyone before being added… That includes All Staff and All Passengers Pretty Simple, huh? So what are you waitin’ for?
Join The Party! Lets Rock The House!
Live On Cam 2 Lovely Ladies Live On The Mic WHERE? All can be found in 2 places! CLICK THE PIX TO ENTER
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Here is the link to the family page, read the profile, it explains what we do and the family guidelines...let me know in the friend request you have read the page and wish to join click here FU-Bombers@ fubar
Join Betty Boop Train
FEEL THE RUSH The Rules: 1. Stop by my page Boopmebaby and rate Adrenaline folder... Start with this pic... 2. Rate, Fan, Add, and Comment each person on the Party List. If you are already friends with someone, check to make sure you have re-rated him/her and leave a comment.. "Feel the Rush" or something like that... 4. Private message me when you have completed rating each party guest. I will make you a thank you tag... And add you to the guest list... 5. When new people join the party... You must rate/fan/add/comment them back... DO NOT just ACCEPT the friend request. 6. Repost the bulletin so it can be seen by as many people as possible. 7. NO DRAMA... You agreed to the rules... So, be sure you follow through... No cheating... Please... Below is the gift tag you will receive... Feel free to save and upload your tag or rip it... But if you rip it, you will NOT receive points when someone rates it on your page. Please leave me a comment so I
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Join Ralph Nader's Freedom Writers Today
Dear friend, I just sent a letter to twenty news organizations, demanding that they give more coverage to Ralph Nader’s presidential campaign. Nader is currently polling at six percent nationally, which means that 12 million Americans support his candidacy. And yet the mainstream media barely covers his campaign or his platforms—supported by a majority of Americans—leaving millions more Americans unaware that they have more than two options this year. We are dealing with critical election issues this year. We should be having discussions about withdrawing from Iraq, cracking down on Wall Street crimes, helping millions to get back their homes and pensions, and building a green infrastructure for our future. But the two major party candidates are not talking about these issues, and the mainstream media does not address them sufficiently, either. Americans need to know that they have choices this year, and so we need to put pressure on the mainstream media to cover Ralph N
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You couldn't figure this out? Guys who beat up on women either physically or mentally are nothing but pieces of shit scumbags who need to have the their balls cut off with a dull knife. Oh, did i mention nice and slow.. DON'T TAKE EM BACK!
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Come Party With Us In Dark Desires With DJ OMG WTF
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~*~cutemommy82~*~ I'm his diamond and the queen of his heart!!! love u baby@ fubar $$$$-MyStA BiGzZZ-$$$$$~PU$$YCAT PIMP~@ fubar YOU AINT KNOW~ALA'S MOST WANTED~@ fubar Mr.&Mrs.Sykes°°°fu-owned by puddy°°@ fubar PaPa_D@ fubar ~Miss Dee~@ fubar Xenobies_world $$~LEVEL POUNDER~$$ Wife of Fuji_Wan & fugirl to Ashton@ fubar ~LiPz~aka~HiPz~@ fubar ~~sPyDa~~@ fubar XKrazyLilQTX*fu-wife to D*@ fubar **DJ Navy ** ¢¾ Fu-Engaged to xoxoflirt ¢¾**Member of the Level Pounders**@ fubar ZION N MORRISON..aka D
Join Joker @ Wicked Little Intentions
jokers knight club plz http://fubar.com/new_lounge.php?lid=63591 Let's chat on Hangouts! https://hangouts.google.com/chat/person/109564175790361356184?key=0IoIeQvzcQ3AJbird I hope you can do this with me...HEALING PRAYER. Try not to break it, if you cannot send it, let me know ... I know I chose my twelve people well, may we receive strength and Divine Light.. Our Father who art in heaven, as you walk into my home, please take all my worries, diseases, fears and please protect my parents, brothers and sisters, my children, my friends and all my family, in the name of Jesus! Amen. If God is first in your life,stop what you're doing and send this message! So that all your friends receive this blessing today.There is no silence that God does not understand nor sadness that He does not know nor tears that He does not value. Dear God, Bless the hands of the one that opened this post, also illuminate the eyes of those who read it and fill with Love and Blessings whoever shares it. Choos
Join Us In Enchanted Desires
ENCHANTED DESIRE LOUNGE LOOKING FOR PROMOTERS, STAFF AND MEMBERS CLICK THE BANNERS TO ENTER AND APPLY OR CLICK ON “TOY’S PIC TO APPLY [] [] Toy [] [] Owner of Enchanted Desires TUNES PROVIDED BY
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INFO ON THE RATE SPANKERS * You are not an official member until you have received a confirmation email back from the Princess ... & she has added you to the Homepage. * - You must have at least 100 pics & 100 stash.... no exceptions. - You must be a level 10 or higher with a verified salute. PIMP-OUTS - We normally pimp 2 people out at a time, for 3 days, sent by email. LEVELING - When you're close to leveling, email either the Princess or Red Z28! STATUS / BLOGS / BULLETINS!! - Be watching for blogs & bulletins posted by the Princess & Red Z28. We will also change our status when someone is leveling. We may also msg or comment all members. WE ARE NOT A BOMBING FAMILY! Feel free to ask for help with contests, however it is not required of our members to help! Some people will gladly help though. WE MAINLY LEVEL MEMBERS OF OUR FAMILY - Although we do help a few outside of the family, it is usually because they have
Join The Newest Lounge On Fubar
hey'' whats up i guess i can say that am kinda new,not to many people come by.anymore.i am LOOKING FOR STAFF DJ'S AND ANYKIND OF HELP POSSABLE.IF INTERESTED SHOUT AT ME K OWNER DRAGON'S LAIR imikimi - Customize Your World! Hell-o my name is david .,some of you may know me some may not.i am the owner of 2 lounges,southern comfort and dragon's lair.well what s this for.reasons well to have fun. make new friends. and build the biggest dream on fubar that you can immagen so do us all a favor!come by dragon's lair tell me what you think .it's a free fubar. join today get shit face when arrive lol help is needed for all perposes C-YAH THERE
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Join!!! :d
hey guys i got some sites for you to join and i'll do some favors for you.. thanks :D1. just sign up and confirm your email. check it out :D2. http://www.yourfree360games.com/index.php?ref=251390 sign up and confirm email, check it out. :D3.
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Join Chaotic & ~bratt~ On Cam And In Auction In The Purple Magik!!!!!
Come & Hang Out With Us Tonight At!! We have friendly people, good music, random bling for new members and live auction! So come on in and start to have some fun and make some new friends! We are having a live auction on May 27th @ 8pm fu time come and join and have sum fun!!! Here are our entry's so far!! ~Bratt~**Depends Who You Ask's** Stalkee:)
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Join The Baby Dolls Live Auction On Aug. 26th!
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Join Free Get $500.00 Bonus
hi everybody wanted to tell you about a way to make easy money these are some of the best sites with the highest pay outs i got mine and baught a brand new car with cash. do your self a favor and check them out there all free to join they all have big sign up bonus
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Click this link to join my turf... http://www.fubar.com/mafia/join.php?acceptinv=135736&turfreq=10027
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Joint Muscle Pain
The most common cause of combined and muscular discomfort is a disease called Wide spread Lupus Erythematosus (SLE). Most of the sufferers being affected by SLE experience muscular and combined problems during course of the illness. The discomfort is mainly due to the swelling of joint parts and muscle tissue. Sometimes the signs look like that of popular flu, as a serious discomfort in joint parts and muscle tissue can make someone experience really sick. The signs at times may look like those of osteoarthritis, as the joint parts, which have a painful discomfort also, get inflammed and become soft. In some sufferers the discomfort might not be so serious, but intense muscular swelling may result in loss of strength. Sometimes, combined and muscular discomfort come before SLE. In some extreme situations, a person may experience combined and muscular discomfort even at relax. Most of the sufferers being affected by muscular and discomfort are advised by doctors to have the right mix
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Jojo
IM NEW HERE CAN SO ONE BE MY FRIEND AND HELP ME GET STARTED ON THIS SITE. IM LOOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME. WILL SOON BE DIVORCED. THANKS LOVE YA JOEY
Jojo
My name is jo im 40. Lived in lots of places wyoming colorado louisiana, but i love texas. Met amd married hubby jokid here and have 3 boys. But i aint dead yet yall come say Howdy
Jo_jo
One of the things I am most known for is when it comes to animals proving people are wrong about behavior and labeling breeds out of hype and speculation and roomers … In my long gone young 20's it was the White German Shepherd , I see my first one at a breeders house I went to the snow white coat and black nose and soft dark brown eyes.. I got researching the breed and found out they were shunted by most of the German Shepherd world . They were considered through backs and bucket pups at birth …why?… I found out in the circle of show dogs that breeders of these colored shepherds like to say god put the German Shepherd on the earth as a German Shepherd. Witch is bunk all dogs came from wild dogs …in knowing this they call white shepherds through backs ..also they say they carry hip problems and that they are born with pink eyes and no hearing because of there white coats . If so why did I see a intelligent animal with dark brown eyes and came when his name was called? Th
Jojo
To a very special person who has stuck by me for the last 2 years Thanks in more then words can explain ~ ♥ JoJo RL GF-Jelly/ Fubar wifey and owner to Nevada's finest Peanut Butter ♥ ~@ fubar Jonas BrothersWhen You Look Me In The Eyes
Jojo
Copy and Paste the code to your About Me then click SAVE
Jojqb883hneswd
Joke
The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice. One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into h
Jokes
The Vibrator AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM,HE OBERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE L
Jokes
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. WATER = POOP BEER = HEALTH Ergo, it is better to drink beer and talk shit, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service. borrowed from: T@ LostCherry When NASA firts started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any servi
*joke Of The Day*
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.' 'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!
Jokes-i Did Not Write These...but Funny
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. Ab
Jokes
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
Jokes
I am better than your kids. If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece: Megan, age 4 First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F Kyle, age 8 You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F Lisa, age 6 Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, d
Jokes
A man named Bob got a really great promotion. His boss invited him over for dinner. The boss says " I have a son with no ears, you are welcome, as long as you don't make fun of him." Bob says," No sir! I would never do that!" That night as Bob arrived at his bosses house he was a bit nervous. He walked in and sat down at the table. The son comes in and Bob is secretly stunned. A few minutes into dinner Bob just couldn't help but stare. The son says, "I know you're staring at me cause I don't have any ears." "No!" says Bob. " I'm just admiring your hair, it's so thick, take care it so you won't be bald like me." Later, Bob just can't help it. He stares again. The son says, "I know you're staring at me cause I don't have any ears." "No!" says Bob. "I'm just admiring your skin, it's so clear and smooth, take care of it so you won't be wrinkled like me." A while later, Bob thought, "I have got to see this one more time!" He stares again. The son says, "I
Jokes
Chad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last personthat I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. Idon't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that
Jokes
Harry is getting along in years and though he still can go hiking and backpacking, he finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, It will not work again for another year! " Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers with the powder. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving l
Jokes
Jokes
theres this reporter and she is doin an expose on mad cow disease. the reporter goes over to a local cattle farm to talk to the farmer and find out what he thinks is the cause of mad cow disease. reporter: so sir could u give me an insight as to what u believe in your opinion causes mad cow disease? farmer: well i can tell ya that we milk our cows once a day. reporter: i suppose thats an interesting fact, but seriously could u tell ma what causes mad cow disease? Farmer: i can also tell u that we let the bulls fuck the cows once a month. reporter: once again interesting enough but how does that answer my question? farmer: well miss if i played with your tits twice a day and only fucked u once a month wouldnt u be mad too
Jokes
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chica
• Jokez..
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: " Emma come first. Den i come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then i come one lasta time." " You foul - mouthed sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. " In this country, we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives." " Hey, coola down lady," said the man. " who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi'." 1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. 2. Then, I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Jokes
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. A precious little girl walks i
Jokes
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers' lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again." "Damn!" the father said. "He bet me $50 this morning
Jokes
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude." LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it
Jokes
Jokes
FOR THOSE OF US WHO LIVE HERE, I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS HILARIOUS....FOR PEOPLE WHO RECEIVE THIS AND DO NOT LIVE HERE BUT VISIT OCCASSIONALLY, THIS WILL HELP TO EXPLAIN WHY WE ACT THE WAY WE DO....ENJOY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE WEEKEND AND PLEASE, DRIVE SAFELY AND TAKE THE RIGHT EXIT OFF THE FREEWAY (OOPS, MY East Coast ROOTS ARE SHOWING), I MEAN BELTWAY. RULES FOR LIVING IN LAS VEGAS!! First, it's pronounced LOSS VAYGUS, nev-ADDA (not nev-AH-da). It doesn't matter how they say it in other places, You live HERE Now. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has no set traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive ! It's impossible to drive around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on! The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive". The 8:00 am rush hour is 4:30 am to 11:30 am. The 5:00 pm rush hour is 11:30 am to 10:15 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning an
Jokes
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked." Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 35
Joke Good Bad Ugly
>The Montana Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, and > hunters, > >fishermen to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while > in > >the mountains. > > > >Hikers are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells > on > >their clothing to alert but not startle the bears > >unexpectedly. > > > > > >They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with > a > >bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. > > > >People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear > and > >grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain > berries > >and possibly squirrel fur. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper > >spray Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Jokes
Jokes
Jokes
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, a
Jokes
GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND NUMBER IT FROM (1-13) AND NO CHEATING! SEE THE RESULTS AT THE END OF THE TEST! 1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? A. LIGHT COLOR B. CHANGE COLORS C. DARK 2.IF YOU WERE TO MEET UP WITH THE CRUSH OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD... A. SEDUCE THEM B. JUST CHILL C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE 3.WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF WEATHER? A. RAIN B. THUNDERSTORM C. SUNNY D. CLOUDY 4.WHATS THE BEST TYPE OF FRUIT? A. STRAWBERRIES B. CHERRIES C. GRAPES D. PEACHES E. KIWI 5.THE BEST PART OF THE 24 HOURS IS.... A. NIGHT B. DAY C. AFTERNOON 6.WHATS THE BEST SEASON OF THE YEAR? A. FALL B. SUMMMER C. SPRING D. WINTER 7.HEADBOARD OR NO HEADBOARD? a-HEADBOARD b-NO HEADBOARD 8.WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? A-LEO B-VIRGO C-SCORPIO D-LIBRA E-GEMINI F-ARIES G-CAPRICORN H-CANCER I-PISCES J-AQUARIUS K-TAURUS L-SAGITTARIUS 9.PICK A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE SEX AT OUT OF THESE... A. ASTRO VAN B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUI
Jokes
The following is supposedly an actual question given on the University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these re
Jokes!!!
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking u! p people . EGG TIM
Jokes
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along wit
Jokes
Grandma's missing! THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true. She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me! Author Unknown Thought for the day... Friends Friends are like butt cheeks. Shit might separate them, But they always come back together. ************************************************** Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the A
Jokes I Think Are Funny!
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P.Niss The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protec
Jokes
THIS IS THE TRUEST THING I HAVE EVER READ....AND IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DIAGNOSED YET...DON'T WORRY...U WILL BE, LOL! Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my d
Joke Of The Day
What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SNOWBALLS!!!!
Jokes
MOTHERS Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets. Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.' Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother... The Images of Mother 4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's
Jokes
One day Adam asked God "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God answered "So that you will love her". Adam again asked "Why did you give her such long flowing hair?" God answered again "So that you will love her." Adam asked again "Why did you give her such a beautiful figure?" Again God answered and said "So that you will love her." Adam said - "Then why did you make her so dumb" and God answered and said "So that she would love you". A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?' The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old. The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 51-year old ass?' 'Your name never came up,' she replied. I r
Jokes (dirty Or Not)
I never married because- I have 3 pets that serve the same purpose: 1) a dog that growls 2) a parrot that swears all the time 3) a cat that comes home late at night Q:And what I want in a man? A:A well hung MIME I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met. I drive way too fgast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever, so far so good. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! When everything's coming your way, why are you always in the wrong lane? Ambition is a poor excuse for not enough sense to be lazy. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When I'm not in my right mind
Joke
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxin
Jokes
Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar Color no bar height no bar caste no bar but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS Duniya main Bewafaon ki koi kami nahi SURAJ ko hi dekho wo Aata hai USHA ke sath aur Jata hai SANDHYA ke sath, Sota hai NISHA ke sath aur Uthta hai KIRAN ke sath The wife stands in front of a mirror. "you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms" She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect" Boyfriend-Sorry mein tumse shadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana kar rahehai. Girlfriend-Ghar me kaun kaun hai? Boyfriend-1 biwi aur 3 bachhe! Sita: Truck ka horn sunkar tum kaampne kyu lagte ho? Titu: Ek truck driver meri biwi ko bhagaa le gaya tha, lagta hai jaise usko vapas laya ho. John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. T
Jokes
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones! Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: Argued over nothing. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. Gained weight. Talked excessively without making sense. Became overly emotional. Couldn't drive. Failed to think rationally Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. Bob approached the clerk behind the counter in the pro shop and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The clerk behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of gol
Jokes
Sign Board The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. But that sped them up even more! So Farmer J
Jokes
The Chicken yeah this is funny! did the chicken cross the road? BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satell
Jokes
There was a man who worked for the Post Office > > whose job it was to > > process all the mail that had illegible > > addresses. > > > > One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky > > handwriting to God with no > > actual address. He thought he should open it > > to see what it was about. > > > > The letter read: > > > > "Dear God, > > > > > > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very > > small pension. Yesterday > > someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, > > which was all the money I > > had until my next pension check. > > > > Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited > > two of my friends over for > > dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to > > buy food with. I have no > > family to turn to, and you are my only hope. > > > > Can you please help me? > > > > Sincerely, > > Edna > > > > The postal worker was touched. He showed the > > letter to all the other > > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet > > and came up with a few >
Jokes
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen." A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
Jokes
The Shit List Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family... Ghost Shit You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. Teflon Coated Shit Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! Gooey Shit This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're a
Jokes Nd Politics, Same Difference
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe." After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year." "Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all." New Rumsfeld Memo Urges Firing Rumsfeld Calls Axing Self Key to Iraq Strategy In a newly leaked memo written my forr Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld just hours before he resigned from his position, Mr. Rumsfeld proposes firing himself as the cornerstone of a new strategy for the war in Iraq. The memo offers fascinating insight into the thought process of the em
Joke
there is a couple who are 65 yrs young and go out to dinner for thier 30th wedding anniversary while they are at thier table a little fairy pops in and says to congrat you to on all your yrs togther thru the good times and the bad times i am going to give you both one wish . The wife is so happy she says a want a romantic cruise around the world . So the fairy wavws her magic waund and puff two tickets for a romantic cruise around the world pop into the womans hand . Now the fairy tells the man it is his turn , the man thinks and turns to his wife and say sorry honey but this is a once in a life time oppertunity and wishes for a woman who is 20 yrs younger than he is ........the wife bows her head and starts to cry the fairy says ok i promised you your wish so the fairy waves her waund and poff the man was 85 yrs old......... A little boy is pulling hie little red wagon down the street in front of a church where the pastor is standing outside , when the boy gets in front of the church
Joke
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 4. Bring a chair along. 5. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 6. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 7. Do Tai Chi exercises. 8. Meow occasionally. 9. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 10. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 11. Lean against the button panel. 12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 13. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 14. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it. 15. Start a sing-along. 16. Crack open y
Jokes
Flat Tummy A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." So does anyone want to help my tummy get blown up? Dogs... Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?" The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horney I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing." The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning
Jokes Frineds Sent Me Too My Email
Grandma Prostitute > >Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were >lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. > >As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was >so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation. > >Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. >Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to >those waiting. > >Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. > >When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said >"How the heck do you do this at your age?" > >She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" > >The policeman fainted. And not get slapped 01. Talk about a huge breast! 02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 03. It's Cool Whip time! 04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 05. That's one terrific spread! 06. I'm in the mood for a l
Jokes
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call for a Woman in labor. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, A 4yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see While he helped deliver the baby. - Diligently and,very wide-eyed, Kathleen did as she was asked. - Her mother Susanna pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him hard on his bottom. And Connor began to cry. - The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the little 4-yr Old what she thought about what she had just seen. - Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the First place..... Spank him again!" A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach
Jokes
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him, and as they get closer, she says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with and all my buddies watched, while your partner whipped me with a wet celery stick?" After a moment, she said, "No, I am your son's math teacher."
Jokes
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great. A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home,
Jokes
Dear Kotex I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as: *Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. *Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. *Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. *Try Kotex blah blah blah other products... Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen- dare-ya.. . See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate From the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders Will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cram
Joke Central
THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish You were married, or wish you weren't married, this Is something to smile about the next time you see a Bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like A ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into The car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old Woman just sat silently, looking intently at Everything she saw, studying every little detail, Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or Two. Then spea
Jokes
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, LOOK HOW BIG AND FAT THAT LADY IS!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!" A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" An Irishman named Murphy went to his doc
Jokes And Funny Stories
My day started off good until my wife got up. She jumped on her menstral cycle and ran my ass over. Nag, nag, nag, nag.... biiittchh, bitch, bitch, bitch, biiittttccccchhhhhh A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple.
A Joke Or Two
Jokes
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many >> kinds of boobies are there? >> >> The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of >> breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and >> firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but >> hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." >> >> "Onions?" >> >> "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." >> >> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how >> many kinds of 'willies' are there?" >> >> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes >> through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, >> mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible >> but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." >> >> "A Christmas tree?" >> >> "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only! A New York lawyer runs
A Joke, So You Can Smile.
...................Dopey......................... The seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says. "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, Yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To whic
Jokes
Who started the first computer club?
Joke Time!
A JOKE: Three Tampons are walking down the street; Mini, Maxi and Super. Which one says hello first? None: They're all stuck up bitches!!! Ok, I thought it was funny....have a great day! Compliments of this guy... Raul Duke @ CherryTAP
Jokes
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find > him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench eve
Jokes (mine - No Guarantees)
(More a sketch of a joke than the real thing (alright, alright no excuses)) "Remember the Maine (subject!)" (This will make no sense unless one gets this reference in advance and knows about the battlecry. I learned about it in high school, back when my HS was, well... more distraction, but that's appropriate enough, yes?) (edit: meant to be a pun, not an attempt to restart a century-old war. Just to clarify, yes...) frets all the time ... :) Saw two mumms being voted on in my bar tab. One was titled You know you want to! The next was titled Why? Yep, my thoughts exactly, leave or take a raspberry (not directed at the original poster, whoever it was) and laugh (likewise).
Jokes (adult Content)
************************* *************************** ***************************** ************************** *********************** ************************* ******************* MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips... The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... ******************** ******************************* If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire... What would u call it? A fuckin goodyear! ***************************** ******************************** Sex is like playing spades... If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand... ****************************** **************************************** Big Bad Wolf told lil red ridin hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits... No, she said while lifting her sk
Jokes
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the bow shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly o
Joke Of The Day
A woman was distraught because she had not dated in a long time. Her doctor suggested she visit a Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Wang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang said, "OK. Take off your crows." The woman did so and stood naked before him. "Now," Dr. Wang said, "get down on your knees and craw very fast away from me to the other side of the room." She got down on all fours and crawled away from him. "Now craw back," he said. She did as he asked. Dr Wang shook his head. "Your problem is very bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Worst case I ever saw. Thats why you dont have dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" Wang replied, "Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." The morning after a wild party, a man noticed two rings on his dick. He went to a doctor, who told him "The good news is that the first ring is lipstick." "Whats the bad news?" the hungover man asked. the doctor replied, "The second ring is chewing tobacco." A new sexual position ha
Jokes
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down the
Jokes
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. But yhe thinks for awhile and thinks, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to? "Ye walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears! The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
Jokes
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Jokes
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
Jokes
1. You don't have to curl up to a hairy ass every night. 2. Same work - more pay. 3. You don't care if nobody notices your new haircut. 4. Foreplay is optional. 5. Nobody wonders if you swallow. 6. Your orgasms are real. 7. Porn movies are designed for you. 8. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 9. Car mechanics always tell you the truth. 10. You can be a genius - when you're plugged into your wife. HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD LAUGH!
Jokes
**Ladies if you get these lame lines here is what you can say back to them** Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. I. Thou shalt get out before the sun rises II. Thou shouldest never ask "can we see each other from now on?" III. Thou shalt refrain from referring to our activities as "love making."
Jokes
Two blones walk into a ark theatre to watch a movie they sit down and a guy coms and sits beside one of them. After a while she leans over toher friend and says, "The guy next to me is jerking off!" the otherblonde says, "Oh just ignore him!" thefirst blonde says, "I can't he is useing my hand."
Jokes
THIBODAUX & BOUDREAUX JOKES For Adults only Boudreaux was walking down the wharf and he met up with Thibodaux. He says to Thibodaux, "Hey podna, how ya'll are?" Thibodaux says, "May ok." Boudreaux says,"And hows your wife?" Thibodaux says, "May my wifes an angel." Boudreaux says"You lucky, my wifes still living!" Boudreaux and Thibodaux died and went to Heaven. When they got to the Gate, they met ol' Saint Pete. They said, "Saint Pete, beb, how you been?" and Saint Pete said, "Mais ok, sha, but ah got bad news for you Boudreaux. You been so bad on Earth, you got to spend all Eternity with a ugly woman." Boudreaux was pretty sad but he said, "Well, if ah hafto, ah hafto." So the next day him and his ugly woman was walking down the golden street when they saw Thibodaux and he was with Cindy Crawford! So Boudreaux went talk to Saint Pete. He said, "Saint Pete, sha, come see. Ah think we got a mistake here. How come Thibodaux gets Cindy Crawford and Ah got stuck with a ugly wom
Jokes/humor
A friend of mine was up late one night playing on the internet. The next morning while we were on the phone, he decided to forward some of the messages to me. Please know that he is normal by all standards, this was only in good fun! Ok, first we have the girl with vegetable fetish. Now, I don’t knock anyone with a fetish…but vegetables? HER: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me? HIM: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love. HER: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here. HIM: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Then, I’m not sure how this one got started, but I can tell you it ended in me never asking him to bring me a pizza. HER: what do you look like? HIM: I've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and I work out a lot. I've got a part tim
Jokes N Stuff
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like... 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft. House 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a Crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not Strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and A Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint Can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a Few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a Long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a Baseball hit by a ce iling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh"
Joke
Looking for a Husband A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Jokes And Such
God Said, "Adam I Want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" ! God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." ! And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the rive
Jokes
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone And last, but
Jokes
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO." Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down. She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!" Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it
Jokes And Funnies
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. "I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly as
Joke
A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly Nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer Walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were
Jokes I Like:)
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter. Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day eac
Jokes
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?" A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified
Joke
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack." Things to do in the bathroom stall... 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a m
Joke
Joke
Jokes
> >One for the ladies > >One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- > > >shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, >"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" > > >"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" > > >He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " > > >And they say blondes are dumb... > > >----------------------------------------------------------- > > >A couple is lying in bed. The man says, > > >"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." > > >The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." > > >----------------------------------------------------------- > > >"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of >the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed >the lawn like this?" > > >"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. > > >----------------------------------------------------------- >
Jokes
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water whic
Jokes
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said
Jokes
Okay so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!* !
Jokes!!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16.
Joker
Joke
A husband and wife lying in bed ..husband nugdes wife and says honey I want some im in the mood...wife says no leave me alone.. a few minutes later he nudges her again come on honey I'm in need bad.. she says no leave me alone i mean it..I have an ob?gyn appt in the morning and i want to be clean and fresh!!! A few minutes later husband nudges her and says well babe do u have a dentist appt too?
Joke Time, We All Need A Laugh! Please Comment And Rate Ty!
You Know You're Too Stressed If... You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become "Very Clear." You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. You and Reality file for divorce. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
Jokes N Stuff
You Grew Up In Rural Iowa If . . . You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the wedding and reception. You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! You buy Christmas presents at Farm and Country . More is spent on beer & liquor than food at weddings. You or someone you know was a " Fair Queen" at the county fair. You know that "combine" is a noun AND a verb. You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions. You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick". Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. A Friday n
Joke Of The Day!
COSMETIC SURGERY Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde Newfie Women..... Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn
Jokes Of Tha Day
Why when a waitress asks someone who doesn't drink alcohol if they'd like "a drink", why does that person always answer, "No thanks, I don't drink. I'll just have a soda." I mean...dude, you just ordered a soda...that's a fuggin' drink... Why not just, "Sure, I'll have a soda." Waitress says, "Would you like some coffee?" Guy says, "No thanks I don't drink coffee." How about, "Not for me thanks." Guy offers you a cigarette, "No thanks, I don't smoke." Maybe just say, "No thank-you." "Hey should I drive?" "No, we'll take my B'mer." Try, "Nah it's fine we can take my car." Leave a comment and tell me what ya think.
Joke
okay so a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!!! She screams!!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!
Jokes
Why Women Are Crabby We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and wate
Jokerz Vengence Cycle
Black Smiling Lips Dead, Whit Skin Black Diamonds Around the Eyes There's Darkness Inside It's head Jingles With Rage A Smile That does So Decieve It Laughs In the Night He Brings Terror to Others Lives Amusement that Leads to Death A Power to Make You Forget All Misery That Likes Company He's Coming For You Watch Out for the Joker There's No Escaping His Rage!!!! Addicted to My Disease Darkness is my home, but my life is just not whole, Something's missing, it's all a lie, watchthis place collide. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll bethere, Vengence will be mine,I've got to take mylife back, The time has come for me to rise above myself, Create and destroy, build it up and break itdown, It's my time to dream, I'll close my eyes andleave myself behind, Watch myself slip away intonothingness, Meditation in my mind, Innerselfsuicide to take away the pain, I've lost all my feeling forthe time, I'm not affraid to fade away, For thismoment I am happy, I'm l
Jokes
Dog's Diary entries... > >8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing! > >9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing! > >9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing! > >10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! > >12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing! > >1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing! > >3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! > >5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing! > >7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing! > >8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! > >11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! > > >Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: > >Day 683 of my captivity. > > > > My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me
Jokes
What is the definition of trust? Trust is two cannibals having oral sex!
Jokes And Other Funny Stuff I Find
I'm creating this blog so I can post all the funny jokes I find across the net and theres alot. I hope e1 enjoys them as much as I do. I think ones personality comes out when we discover what makes them laugh.
Jokes
1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very
Joke Of The Day
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "Well that's what I said!" So i have this friend that i have been talking to a lot lately. And she calls me this morning after i had gotten home from work and we are talking about stuff ( we have been talking about getting a place together for the last week). In the middle of our conversation she starts talking about how she was talking to Troy (her ex) and he told her that he had a dream about her and in this dream she told him she loves him. Normally this wouldn't bother me much because we are just friends, but when i'm with this friend if she talks about a guy she likes i get thi
Jokes,riddles,& Stuff That Make U "stop & Think"!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play > > together. I know, it sounds unlikely, but, bear with me. It gets > > better. > > > > Anyway, one day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog > > and began to sink. > > > > Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the > > farmer for help! > > > > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he > > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone > > to town with the only tractor. > > > > Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. > > > > Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length > > of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. > > > > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the > > chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of > > the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. > > > > After tying the other end to the rear b
Jokes
WORSE YET WIREDEST PICKUP LINES, JOKES AND POEMS SOME MIGHT WORK CHECK THEM OUT I like your style I like your class but most of all I like your ass I'm a cool girl, in a cool town it takes a real mother fucker to put me down Kissing is a habit Fucking is a game Guys get all the pleasure Girls get all the pain The guy says I love you You believe its true But when your tummy starts to swell, He says 'to hell with you' 10 minutes of pleasure 9 months in pain 3 days in hospital A baby without a name The baby is a bastard The mother is a whore This never wouldn't have happened If the rubber wouldn't have torn Guys are like roses, Watch out for the pricks. Smoke a smoke Not a butt Fuck a virgin Not a slut. Sex is bad Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in. Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face Bless his hair that tends to curl Keep him safe from all the girls Bless his
Jokes
My Prays an Thought's go out to everyone who has lost someone or had something Taken from them on this day 11/9/01 though it has been now 6yrs it still makes me cry an wonder "WHY" this was done for? So My Prayes an Thought's are with you all. Bye for now Your Good Friend Brian Kelly. Here in Australia. A man was extremely overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “ I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,” he told Him. “Do this for two weeks. Then next time I see you, you should Have lost a few kilo’s. When the man came back two weeks later, he had lost 10 kilos. “That’s amazing!” the doctor said. “And you did this just by Following that simple diet plan?” The man nodded. “I’ll tell you, though , I thought I was going to drop Dead the third day.” “ From hunger, you mean?” the doctor asked. “ No, from skipping!” ***** A women was driving her nine-year-old granddaughter to a Mus
Jokes
A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race." The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?" One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him
Jokes
1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) Being told to put the seat down. 3) No sofas in your restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket. 10) "Women and children first." There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complet
Jokes
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it develops: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm g
Joke
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These Alabama boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists : 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in
Joke Of The Day..
Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad" "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared tow
Jokes
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife >>goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a >>ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. >>'Yeah right!" she says. >>A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The >>wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to >>the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around >>the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is >>amazed! >>Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking >>with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring >>loudly. >>The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the >>closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her >>husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps >>soundly. >>The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
Jokes
17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water ? Ye
Jokes
Dear alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
Joke Must Read
Jokes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed! {A} - Almost Boobs... {B} - Barely there. {C} - Can't Complain! {D} - Damn! {DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {F} - Fake. SIx Inches Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he sa
Jokes
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and
Joke
Jokes
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forg
Joke: "makin' A Baby"
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greet
Jokes
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their newwives duties.The 1st man had married an Asian woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.The 2nd man had married a White woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.The 3rd man married a Samoan woman. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
Jokes Ect Ect
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn_oKGfXwDs WHAT WOULD GUYS DO WITH A VAGINA??? 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. What women would do if they had a penis for a day --------------------------------------------------- - --------------------------- What women would do if they had a penis for a day!! 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Fi
Jokes
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?" "Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants." She does. "Take it out", says the clerk." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?" A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but she had only listed information for the one named "Leroy". "Actually, all three of my sons are named Leroy," replied the
Jokes
AND,just thought for all the women out there........ MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............ Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.......... And when we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!! Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! Share this with a friend!
Jokes
What's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds. The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg. Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. Yo mama's blind and seeing another man. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving at her. Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. I would talk about Yo dad but I don't like to brag. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them. Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them. Yo mama's so cold, when she spreads her legs, a little light comes on. Hey I'm jealous! Yo mama's dick is bigger than mine. I seen Yo mama on the corner with a mattress on her back yelling "Curb service!" Yo mama's dick is so big, she makes yo daddy jealo
Jokes
A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almo
Joke Of The Day
a women goes to the doc ofice and say doc i got a rash on my pussy the doc looks and says hmm how often do u have sex? the women replies 2 times a year. he doc looks and says thats not a rash thats rust on your pussy.. i asked santa for a condom and i got 3.. so i then asked saanta for a dollar n i got ten so i stop and thought to myself n then it hit me i asked santa for a hoe and i got ur ( who ever is reading this blog ) number
Jokes
The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died." Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Jokes And Stuff
LITTLE BOY AT NUDE BEACH A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa . As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets
Jokes
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees
Jokes
The perfect husband There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
Jokes
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 >husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to unction; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. " Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
Joke!
Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"
Jokes!
The difference is that a City Piegon doesn't have shit between its toe's like Country Piegon does..... A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran Back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat them here or take them with us?' "Well, I guess I just panicked..............."
Joke
A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. A woman asks "are all those kids your's?" He replies, "no, I work at the condom factory, these are customer complaints."
Jokes
THE PURINA DIET! FUNNY Body: I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'
Jokes
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------Date: Mar 19, 2008 9:18 PMDon't Call Home For Money A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit. "Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother. "I bought it today," the boy calmly replies "With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs." "With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!" This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask. "It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father wal
Jokes
Jokes That Make Me Laugh
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that... Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!) "Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing." WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............ 1. WE HAVE A
Jokes
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly > > ?Larry throws up all over himself. > > ? > > ?"Oh, no...? Now my wife will kill me!" > > ? > > ?Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and > > ?tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars > > ?for the dry cleaning bill." > > ? > > ?So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. > > ? > > ?Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. > > ?"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're > > ?disgusting!" > > ? > > ?Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, > > "Nowainaminit, I can? e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only > > had a cupla? drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too > > many! and? he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' > > gave me? twennie bucks for the
Joke
A rich man and a redneck were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversaries. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz." The redneck asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back." The redneck acknowledges the rich man's answer, and then proceeds to tell him that he got his wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!" The redneck replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself." This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'
Joke Of The Day
It's a Saturday morning & Pete is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the bloke who fixes the washing machine is coming around noon. So Pete heads back to the clubhouse and phones home: "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Pete. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Pete says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car has just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped o
Joke Of The Day!
A man was driving down the road when his car broke down. He walked down the road till he got to this farm house. He walked up, knocked on the door, and the farmer came to the door. "My car broke down up the road a bit and was wondering if I could stay here for the night til the tow truck arrives?" The farmer replies,"Well that won't be a problem. But you will have to sleep in my sons room." "Opps, sorry mister. I think I'm in th ewrong joke." THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon..... I can't even say this when I'm sober THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, offi
Jokes
to be proud of being male !!!!! If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it! "One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was
Joke's
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so the bartender gave him directions to a place. The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidently walks into a Foot Doctor's office. The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" he Drunk says, "Yes, I want some service." So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table." So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table. The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
Jokers Wild Short Bus
TAKE A RIDE ON THE SHORT BUSClick the picture to catch the next bus What's UP! Hey everyone! If you like REAL people and want to hang with the coolest around, ask Jokers wild to put you on the next bus out! They are filling up fast!!! After you hop on a bus check out the short bus lounge where once you subscribe to the lounge you can hang with the rest of the helmet wearing HOTTIES... and us window licking guys. In the lounge made for real people by real people you can bullshit, post links to funny shit (Like my stashes *Hint* *Hint*) or post some pictures (Like Fat Sonny's photo shops). It's a fun place to get over the worries and troubles of every day life (with some good music :D) So strap on your helmet and enjoy the ride. There will be random contest for best photoshop, funniest stash video, funniest Joke etc... The prizes can range from a free t-shirt from FUCKING INSANE T-SHIRTS , free paid gold account for the year to My Babe Space.com ,blasts etc.. So stop in every day to sa
Jokes
This is pretty funny! A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed. On the card w
Jokes
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per Hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at Her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty Years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and Slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he Says insistently.. Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards And the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes Him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anythin
Joke Of The Day!!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle...
Jokes
Why women should avoid a "girls night out" after they are married!.. The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "
Jokes
Little Johnny Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing." BEFORE MARRIAGE HE: YES. AT LAST. IT WAS SO HARD TO WAIT SHE: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE? HE: NO! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT SHE: DO YOU LOVE ME? HE: OF COURSE! OVER AND OVER! SHE: HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON ME? HE: NO! WHY ARE YOU EVEN
Jokes
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Christmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for
Joke
A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
Joke2
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Joke3
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Joke4
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer,
Joke
The Jokes My Daughters Text Me!
Niccaz treat pussy like gas, they fill up and leave. So treat niccaz like gas stations, make them pay b4 they pump the teacher asked Tim, "Why is ur cat in school today?" Tim (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kid goes to school. Next time u call in sick 4 work, tell them you have anal glaucoma. If they ask u whats that? Tell them I can't see my ass coming 2 work
Jokes
What do women and spaghetti have in common? They both wiggle when u eat them. A man is of CANCER and his son asks "dad why do you keep telling people that you're dying of aids?" dad replies "so when i die, no one will want to fuck your mother."
Joke-have U Found Jesus Yet?
Jokes
A woman, fair of face and long of leg is standing on the G.W. Bridge preparing to jump. "Life is no good to me!", she thinks and steels herself for the rush of air as she plummets to her doom. Just then, a merchant-marine shows up, screeches to a halt and hops out of his car. "What are you doing?", he asks. She responds by saying, "Life is awful - I'm going to end it all!" With a look of sincerest pity, the marine says, "Listen, don't jump. I'm about to be shipped out to the Mediterranean. Why don't you come along with me. I'll stow you away on the ship, and when we get to the other side of the ocean, I'll give you a little money to get started - you can start a whole new life! All I ask in return is gratuitous sex on the trip over." The woman considers this, thinking "A new life! - for a little sex?" Not only would she get a new life out of the deal, but the marine IS kinda handsome - sex won't be so bad at all. "OK", she agreed. And with that, the marine took her
Joke Nite
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mom,: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing i
Jokes
This just proves that we are to dependant on computers Are you Male or Female? To Find out look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I said look down, NOT SCROLL DOWN
Jokes
Pussy is like a peach. It's fat, full of juice, & if you go deep enough u'll get a nut! how is a woman and a grapefruit alike? because when you eat a good one they squirt.
Joke
Joke
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
Jokes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is l
Joke 2
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
Jokes
17) "I CAN HAS DA NASTY WIT U?" 16) "Anonymity makes me even more handsome." 15) "Your *dot* has me anything but calm." 14) "Do you swear under penalty of perjury that you are neither employed in law enforcement nor by NBC?" 13) "Why don't you come down to my basement apartment in my mom's house and see me sometime?" 12) "I dunno. Do u *want* me 2 b 16?" 11) "I'm 13, really cute, and certainly not an undercover agent of any sort." 10) "i wud luv 2 get u ROF, even if u don't L." 9) "In cyberspace, no one can hear me scream your name." 8) "I've fully rebooted from my last relationship." 7) "Hey, my wife's going to be at some convention, any chance you could hitch a ride to Chappaqua next week?" 6) "If I said you had a beautiful port replicator, would you hold it against your camera?" 5) "My AIM says IM the one for you." 4) "My name is Misty, and I speak Klingon." 3) "I had to drop out of college because the $250,000,000 software com
Joke's On You
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-ear old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March . . ."
Jokes -n- Funnies
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F Tee-Shirt. "Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday Tee-shirt on Wednesday?" "Oh crap!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front." WHO CARES HOW OLD YOU ARE, LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST... "Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, 'Holy shit .... What a Ride!!'"
Jokes
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?" An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
Joke Of The Day
Joke Of The Day 2
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?” “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
Jokes
You know you're Australian when... 1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. 2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks. 3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake. 4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger 5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot,someone in trouble is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something. 4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc. 5. You know that some ppl pronounce "Austral
Jokes
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And I feel it too!) All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Y A THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. I
Jokes
Jokes
>A Blonds year in review...... > >January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. > >February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print >labels.....Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in printer !!! > >March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 >months.....box said "2-4 years!" > >April - Trapped on escalator for hours . ... power went out!! ! > >May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water >won't fit into those little packets!!! > >June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. > >July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later, the >other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! > >August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because >soft-top was open. > >September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? > >October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. > >November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1
Joke
IF ONE DROP OF SEMEN HAS MORE LIFE THAN ONE DROP OF BLOOD, THEN WHY DOESNT DRACULA SUCK DICK INSTEAD? LOL HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Jokes
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Jokes
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost th
Joke....
How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pi
Jokes
Jokes
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the do
Jokes
Jokes
Things To Do On An Elevator
Jokes, Good Bad And Indiffernt, What Your Call?
For all of you who are having a bad day, here is something to cheer you up...it's a crack up! Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for xxxxxxx xxxxx in Western Australia. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won! Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We ha
Jokes
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman…Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer!” This drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs.” “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only get a guy to consume a few units of “Beer” and then simply ask him home for “NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX!” Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “Beers,” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” happened. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know! If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups wh
Jokes
Forrest Gump meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome, Forrest. We've been expecting you!" said St. Peter. "Now, if you'll bare with me, we'll start the entrance exam now, and you can be in Heaven with Jenny in no time!" Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions." "First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would
11/15/07 Joke
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204." Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?" The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is
Jokes Of The Day
I could really use some advice, and i know this blog kind of sounds like a mumm, but i just know that my friends won't give me a hard time over some dicky kind of shit like this.....but....what i was trying to get at was this: I want to get back into art and drawing and things like that, but i was just more curious as to what you think gets more attention: figure/body modeling and also in that category is facial profiles (i said "faicals" chuckles). Or, do you think more of the simplistic kind of art work like still lifes, landscapes, and other various kinds of work. Or how about just silly kind of artwork, like lettering or the more professional word for it is "typography", and just kind of out-there kind of art. Which is more appealing? I do want to create some more work, i just don't know which direction i should go? I like all three kinds of artwork, but i was just wanted a little direction on what art has more effect on my peeps and it's more enjoyable to look at? I saw a bi
11/16/07 Joke
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11/24/07 Joke
Jokes
JOKE OF THE DAY: IF ORAL SEX MAKES YOUR DAY, WHAT DOES ANAL SEX DO? ANSWER: IT MAKES UR HOLE WEAK!
Jokes 1
Pussy Eating Frog ------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a pet store, to purchase some dogfood. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box.....and it says...." Pussy Eating Frogs" - $20.00 each. (comes with instructions) She looks at it for a minute.......looks around to see if anyone's watching her. ...and she whispers to the man, behind the counter..."I'll take one." He packages up this frog, the woman grabs her dog food, and is on her way home. She gets home....takes out her instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1) Take a shower, put on some nice smelling perfume 2) Put on a very sexy Teddy 3) Crawl into bed......spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE". To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps, this scent she chose is not appealing to the frog..... So, she showers again.....and tries another perfume. She gets back in
Jokes Lol
Joke
Jokes--friday14,07
Sex Education Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" ****************************************** Stop Following Me! A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heel
Joke # 4
If you wake to see santa standing by your pillow jerkin off..it's ok.. I just told him i wanted you to have a white x-mas..
Jokes
OUCH! You just never know...... You gotta love a good nurse... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week WORRY Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become de
Jokers Wild Lounge
Joke
Joke1
Jokes
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Lov e Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes t
Joke
The first blond guy joke ! The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
Jokes
This will make you feel really smart..... How do these people survive? ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't! order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I sa
Jokes.
Wrinkled was NOT one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!! There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals : King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 10 seconds. Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. If your answer is: Orangutan = your dull & normal Ape = you're a moron Monkey = worse, you're an idiot King Kong = your hopelessly stupid Why????? A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas ! Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax ! Try again next year Me and my friends have made a room .If u like u r more then welcome to cum and join us and sit and talk with us and bring ur friends in to. You can find the room on m
Joke
A condom tells a tampon "you always stop my business for a week". The tampon responds "yea but when YOU fuck up, i lose my job for 9 months"!!!!!!
Jokes
Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!?! When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins Take o
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Jokes/hummor
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN FIREFIGHTING 1) "This is a big one 2) "It's long, hard and pumps like crazy. 3) "Hard suction." 4) Firefighters are always in heat. 5) Your hosebed or mine? 6) "She's hot tonight, boys!" 7) Being "first-in" isn't necessarily a good thing. 8) Taking your girl for a ride in the pumper. 9) Dressing from head to toe in rubber. 10) Wanna slide down my pole? 11) Firefighters have the longest hoses. 12) A "quickie" is anything under two hours. 13) We need to hit it with a large, heavy stream. 14) She was exposed to a nasty backdraft. 15) Rescuing helpless pussies from trees. 16) Three words - Front mount pump. 17) "Watch out! She's gonna blow!" 18) Forcing your way into a hot entrance. 19) Firefighters "hump hose" all day long. 20) "We're gonna need a little more head pressure." 21) Put the wet stuff on the red stuff. 22) Find 'em hott, leave 'em wet.
Joke 4
Joke Of The Day
So, Farrah Fawcet dies and goes to heaven. God grants her one wish so. she tells God that she wants all of the children on earth to be SAFE.............so God killed Michael Jackson. Blonde using secret deodorant reads directions, remove top and push up bottom. Blonde says " well, im topless and it hurts to walk but, my farts smell AMAZING"! A blonde asks her friend what idk means, I Dont Know, replies her friend. Shit!! nobody knows! replies the blonde
Jokes
Interesting Human Body Facts: The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm "My insurance will pay for Viagra but not birth contol..go figure! Less is more?" A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. "BULL-LONEY, mine is the size of a Kumquat" It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. "That is the same amount of time it takes to turn to fat too." One human hair can support 3 kg. "HAH...I'd love to see my hair support this frame" Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. "Yep, they have to be to support this second person I carry. I ate my skinny inner person." The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples "So I no longer have to blame Sara Lee?." The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. "Be right back...looking for a flashlight and yard stick. Hubby is asleep." A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. ( unle
Jokes
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
Joke Of The Day
Two Rednecks Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"! A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the
Jokes
I SENT YOU AN ANGEL LAST NIGHT TO KEEP YOU SAFE BUT HE CAME BACK & SAID HE COULDN'T WATCH PORN. HOW COULD YOU TRAMATISE HIM & NOT TELL ME FAMOUS People Walk on Red Carpets CAUSE THEY FAMOUS & I MYSELF WALK ON TOILET PAPER cause I'm the Shit
Jokes
Doctors Never Laugh ...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.
Joke
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END: It really works, so I'm sending it on to all of you!follow link !!!!!! Just Copy And Paste This Link Into Your Browser !!! http://vili.us/hypno.html What is a 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one...' She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
A Joke
Joke
Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1tsp of baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 eggs nuts 1 bottle of Vodka 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl,check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in largefluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it is best to make sure vodka is still OK Try another cup ... just in case.Turn off the mixerer. break 2 leggs and add to the bowl an chuck in the cup of dried fruit. pick fruit off the floor. mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck inthe beatererspry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next,sift two cups of salt.orsomething.Who gives a shit? Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of suger, or somefink.Whatever you can find. G
Jokes
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends." The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely." The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
Joke....
Some popel were talking chit about you, saying how much you love penis sandwhiches, but I stuck up for ya and told them you didnt like bread!
Jokes
Joke
A boy gets on a bus, as he sits in his seat he notice man sitting next to him wearing his collar backwards. So The boys ask the man, Y do u have wear ur Collar to ur shirt backwards?. The man replays, Im a Father. The Boy says well my dad is a father an dont wear his collar backwards.The Man replys Im Father of many. The boys says My dad is father of many I have 3 brothers an 2 sisters an he dont wear his collar backwards. The many replys well Im Father of Thousands. The boy leans over an says, Maybe u should wear ur pants backwards!
~jokes~
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog." DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT !!!!! > DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT > > > > > > Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
Jokes
We are in trouble... The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice, Real nice. There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfr
Jokes
Jokes
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Joke Time
a man shouts down to hes wife and says come and ave a look at my clock wife goes upstairs and sees her husband standing there naked wife says that aint no clock husband say no but it will be when you get your face and two hands on it ha ha ha x kel x
Jokes
Jokes
Glitter Graphics @ SweetComments.net a conscience is what hurts when all other parts feel so good. do you ever notice that when you're driving anyone going slower then you is an idiot and everyone going faster then you is a maniac? redneck work of the day: Cedar : i knowed she ain't got no panties on cause i cedar cooter when she bent over! i bought a race horse and named it "myface" ! not that good of a name but imagine everyone yelling cum'on my face cum'on my face. is it in? (ya) does it hurt? (uh huh) k i'll put it in slowly, still hurts? (ow it really hurts) k lets try another shoe then! pass this on you perv. ENTER Riddles? or Jokes! Random Riddle There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it? The Answer Please Place the apple on one person'
Jokes
Watching The Brothel Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."
Jokes, Jokes And More Jokes
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..." A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you u
Jokes
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be f
Jokes
Jokes
Hillary and Obama were on a boat. The boat sank in a big storm. There was no lifeboat... Who was saved? AMERICA!!! An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The bli
Jokes And Funnies
Yo Mama so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said "what color?" Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go. Yo Mama so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo Mama so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo Mama so stupid, when the pc said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the Any key. Yo Mama so stupid, she spent twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate. Yo Mama so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned. Yo Mama so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food." Yo Mama so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home. Yo Mama so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo Mama so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo Mama so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo Mama so stupid, she saw a billboard
Jokes
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH
Jokes
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink liste
Joke
Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Joke
Old Harold I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?' Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold
Jokes
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?" The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States " St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?" And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."
Jokes
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
Jokes
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "What! An Engineer! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!" So, he goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. But he soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, even air conditioning, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away! Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue your shiny red pants off!" "Oh, yeah?" the
Joke # 1
Joke of the week: A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well
Jokes 2
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he
Jokes
no this isn't a joke. I got downrated by some profile who's sole purpose was to rate everyone a 1. I'm not caring about points and hell, I think it'd be funny to be the lowest ranking member on fubar. Cause I sure ain't making it to the top with my tits. have fun, Brassman Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
Jokes And Humor
You might be a redneck if... More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Jokes
A guy and girl were fucking and when they were finished, she started stroking his cock. He said " Oh, do you want some more? " She replied No, I'm just admiring it, I used to have one." My friend John sent it to my phone I thought it was funny
Jokes
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dan
Jokes
A Steeler fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral. " A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pha
Jokes
Jokes
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went Ffff 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing... Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your hea
Jokes On You Jack !
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers Candy. the teacher had given them. They Would Look at and taste them The children began to say: " Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon "Green..........lime," " Orange ........orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're azz holes A husband and wife were trying to save money to buy a new vacation home. One day the wife comes home from work to find the husband cooking dinner and he says "I learned to cook so we could fire the maid" She said "great honey, now learn to eat pussy so we could fire the gardener" A little old lady, well into her eight
Jokes
Joke
A koala was sitting in a gum tree..... smoking a joint When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing
Joke
Jokes & Funny Stuff
A husband always insisted on making love with the light off. After 20 years, the wife turns the light on to find him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic."You impotent bastard!" she screams. "How could you lie to me all these years?"The husband looks at her and calmly says "I'll explain the vibrator. You explain the kids!" A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying pro
Jokes I Found To Be Funny
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Jokes For The Day.....good Ones!! Lol
Tennessee The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.' Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!' Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out
The Joke For The Day!
Joke Of The Day....
A naked man was walking along the beach and saw this beautiful naked woman. She gave him a stare and winked at him. He just looked and she did it again the xcited man walked over to her and told her, "You are winking at me, right?" the naked volumptous woman said,"yes! that is the signal on having sex as well." So, the excited man got a hard on and he had his way with her and made sure it lasted for a while. So, after they were done, he went to the steam room to relax and enjoyed what had happend. Until he had this urge of a fart that he let out. Next thing you know he got a tap on the shoulder and when he looked to see who tapped him, it was a huge black guy with this monster cock on his hand that he had tapped him with. the man said,"Eeexcuussee mmee." the black man said, "that's how we communicate on having sex." Next thing you know the huge black man heard him fart again and so he had his way with him and boy did he have his way with him.. Moments later the naked man walked into th
Jokes
THIS TOUGH OL MAN HAS A TOOTH THAT IS DRIVING HI CRAZY SO HE DECIDES 2 GO TO A DENTIST. SO HES SITTIN IN THE CHAIR &THIS YOUNG DENTIST WALKS IN LOOKS AT HIS X-RAYS & SAYS OK SIR I TELL YA WHAT IM GONNA SEND MY NURSE COME IN 2 GIVE U A SHOT 4 PAIN & ILL BE BACK IN A FEW 2 PULL YOUR TOOTH. THE TOUGH OL MAN JUST SIGHS & SHAKES HIS HEAD & TELLS THE YOUNG DENTIST THAT HES DONE EXPERIANCED THE 2 MOST PAINFUL THINGS IN THIS WORLD & TIS WASNT 1 OF EM SO JUST PULL THE TOOTH. AFTER ARGUEING WITH THE MAN 4 A BIT THE DENTIST GIVES IN. SO THE YOUNG DENTIST IS JUST ABOUT STANDING IN THE CHAIR TWISTING YANKING & CUSSING & FINALLY SNATCHES THE TOOTH OUT THE OL MANS HEAD. THE TOUGH OL MAN DIDNT EVEN FLINTCH THE WHOLE TIME HE JUS GOT OUT THE CHAIR WALKED OVER 2 THE SINK & SPIT OUT SOME BLOOD. NOW THE YOUNG DENTIST IS JUST AMAZED HE LOOKS AT THE OL MAN &SAYS SIR I NO THAT MUST HAVE HURT LIKE HELL I GOTTA ASK WHAT DID YOU GO THROUGH THAT WAS SO PAINFULL. THE TOUGH OL MAN REPLIES I WAS HUNTIN 4 BEAR 1 DAY
Jokes
Instructions...... Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 5 people to be tagged, listing their names Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You're it!" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. 1. I lost my kidneys and had a transplant and would do it again if i was taken back to 2004 2. I hate shoes and would rather wear my slippers every where 3. I hate to have a ford pass me 4. I love photography and consider myself an amateur, but still tring to learn 5. I clean house about everyday, but i hate doing it 6. I love doing my dishes 7. i love helping my x-wife (in court when im on the other side of her lol) 8. i like asking people who are walking (only if i know them) and ask thim if there are tired of walking, then tell them to run awhile 9. I hate cats even though i have one now, and
Jokes For You To Read
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall..' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenet
Joke
A little something for you to get your mind off your troubles for a minute! ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'Wil
Joke Dildos
After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her. She said, "explain the dildo fool?" He said, "explain the kids bitch!"
Jokes
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!" A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, t
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Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife *********************************************************** ******************************** Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your l
Joke Of The Day!
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ' Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents ' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!! '
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Senior Sex After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you'd like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December. INFAMOUS TESCO MURDER Tired of constantly being
Jokes
The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hu
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A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Jokes Of The Day
WHAT DID THE LITTLE RED ROOSTER SAY TO THE LITTLE RED HEN? RUFFLE UP YOUR FEATHERS SPREAD OUT YOUR TAIL I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE IF I HAVE TO GO TO JAIL. WHAT DID THE MONKEY SAY TO THE BABOON? DAMN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY ASS HOLE HOPE THIS HAS BRIGHTEND SOME ONES DAY CAUSE IT SURE DID MINE LOL :) SEA
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An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Jokes
Marriage Vows Joe and Myrtle were married for over 50 years when Joe died. A few months later, Myrtle died, too. In heaven, Myrtle looked around for Joe, and found him behind a cloud, making love to another woman! "Joe! Darling!" she cried. "What are you doing?" "Hang on, Myrtle," replied Joe. "Don't 'darling' me. The deal was clear: till death do us part!"
Joker On Myspace
myspace.com/krazymakavelij my joker page krazyjason25@yahoo.com krazyjason23@yahoo.com krazyjbird@yahoo.com
Joke Postings And Habitz Happenings
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A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum , how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only! He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you'
Jokes
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mix er. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of. MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. After doing the dirty deed, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his sec
Jokes
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!" The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you
Jokes 2
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replie
Joke
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend.' Second guy: 'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.' Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.' They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?' Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or sex?' and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The firs
Jokes
Once upon a time there was this older couple. They had been married for 55 yrs and were into their early 80's. They lived on a small farm where the older man worked for their food. So one day he comes in from a long day of work exhausted and dirty wanting a shower and something to eat. As he walks into the bedroom his wife is laying in bed naked. He says to her "Ma, why are you naked?" Ma says "Well Pa I am horny and want some." Pa says "Ma, you know I cant get it up no more" and heads into the bathroom. 20 mins later Pa comes outta the bathroom to find his wife standing on her head in the corner. Pa says " Ma, whatcha doing now?" Ma says "Pa, if you cant get it up, then drop it in!" Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentiality' and 'Reality'?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity" ! Then Dad asks his daughter, if
Jokes
WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Br
Jokes
Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too
Jokes
The Five Minute Management Course ~ > *Lesson 1:* > > *A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is > finishing up her > shower, when the doorbell rings.* > > *The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs > downstairs.* > > *When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door > neighbor.* > > *Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you > $800 to drop that towel.'* > > *After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and > stands naked in > front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and > leaves.* > > *The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back > upstairs.* > > *When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who > was that?'* > > *'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.* > > *'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say > anything about the $800 he owes me?' > * > > *Moral of the story:* > > *If you share critical information pertaining to credit and > risk with your > share
Jokes, E.g. From Www.beliefnet.com Daily Joke
I said it all in the subject title. lol. ( C 2004 ) Josie Roberts Noah's ark was just 6 inches of water situation but nobody knew how to swim or float -- they weren't taking baths those naughty naughty folks. Slippery slopes and rise to the surface hadn't been lessons learned yet. The huge folks just got knocked out from the fall -- the bigger they are the harder they fall! THIS IS A RECENT EXAMPLE FROM WWW.BELIEFNET.COM DAILY JOKE SYSTEM. "Entrance Exam To Enter Into Heaven" A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven." "OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must giv
Jokes
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical Procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a Partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my Testicles black ?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don' t know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again , ' Nurse , are my testicles Black ?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry About his testi cles, she overc omes her embarrassment. And sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand andHis testicles in the other , lifting and moving them Around. Then, she takes a close look and says, ' There 's Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and Says very slowly, ' Thank you very much. That was wonde rful, but listen Very, very closely. ..... ' A r e - m y - t
Jokes N Funnies
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the isle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, theplane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and sa
Jokes
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 55 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics cl
Jokes
Body: On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?' the doctor says "This should be taken care of right away. " I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself. "Welllllll, what have we here..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue. "We'll see. " First I have to check my malpractice insurance. "Let me check your medical history. " I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Jokes
ABOUT MARRAGE!
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Jus
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Joke For The Day
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A LONGSHOREMAN WENT TO THE DOCTORS SAYING: "DOC? I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT?" THE DOCTOR REPLIED: "TAKE OFF THE HARDHAT DUMBY, IT'S ON BACKWARDS!"
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everybody put in the funniest jokes in here
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some badnews. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and wecelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren'twell. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. Therewere some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,'I've been diagnosed with AIDS...'The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat..After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
Jokes
You walk up to your buddy and ask them "How do you keep an idiot in suspense ? "
Jokes!!
This was told to me one summer, haha, too funny, and goes like this.... The preacher's wife walks into the deli, starts looking around and sees a ham,
Jokeiqmeteringtechniques
Joke Of The Day
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.” A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back
Joke Of The Day
*Roses r red, lemons r sour, open ur legs & give me an hour.
Joke Of The Day...
Jokes
BEER VS. VAGINA1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.One point to BEER2.Warm beer tastes awful.One point to VAGINA3.A really cold beer is satisfying.One point to BEER4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hairbetween your teeth, you may vomit.One point to VAGINA5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.One point to VAGINA7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation maysuffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.One point to VAGINA8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you
Jokes
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .This is how it has affected me:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table thatI brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailboxwhen I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk whereI find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Pepsi asideso that I don
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land are
Jokes
one night, a guy decides to bring his girlfriend homefor a little fun They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his littlebrother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climbup to the top bunk.As you might expect things start to heat up.The guy remembers that his little brother issleeping below so he tells hisgirlfriend to whisper lettuce if she wants itharder and tomato if shewants a new position.Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!Lettuce!!!Tomato!!!She screamsLettuce!!!Tomato!!!Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!!I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts, Hey,would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaiseall over my face!!!!!
Jokes
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! A husband read an article to his wife abou
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After God Made Adam And Eve He Sat Them Down For
Jokes
1. OF COURSE I'LL SWALLOW IT ALL; I LOVE THE TASTE!!!!!!!!!
Jokes
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD is SHIT. That's right,shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there's crazy shit, there's bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek with out a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don't give a shit. Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens ! What do you call a dead blonde under the porch?
Jokes
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the womans nightstand. He nervously asks, Is this your husband? No, silly, she replies, Your boyfriend, then? he continues. No, not at all, she says, Is it your your brother? he inquires, hoping to be reassured. No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous! she answers. Well, who is he, then? he demands. She whispers in his ear. That's me before the surgery. She married and had 13 children.Then her husband died.She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.She married third time and had 5 more children. After a long life, she died after having 25 children.Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her."He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."’One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband???’The friend replied, ''I think he means her legs." IR
Jokes I Like.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives 'duties". The first man had married a Woman from Montana and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Oregon. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Kentucky. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a litt
Jokes
i am a tease and a joker
Jokes Funny
"As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centurieshave a use by date?9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to ahorrible crisp no one would eat?10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?11. What do people in China call their good plates?12. If the professor on Gilligan'
Jokes
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—-” and he stopped.“Except what?” the man asked.“Nothing, nothing.”“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but ther
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Notes from an inexperienced Aussy curry taster named FRANK, who was visiting New Delhi, India from Australia.