Sweet All Over's blog: "Jokes"

Excuse me for interrupting and I'm not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if you're packing that much ass.

You might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell everyone we did anyway!

Your mom was pretty good, so i figured you would be too.

I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.

It's a good thing I have my library card, because I'm checking you out.
Oh, sorry, I'm reserved for someone else.

Damn, I'm glad I'm not blind!

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

If I told you you had a gorgeous body, would you hold it against me?

You look like my second wife! And I've only been married once!

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?

If you were Sprite, I'd obey my thirst!

Excuse me can I borrow a quarter, it is an emergency. My mom told me to giver her a call the first time I fell in love.

I lost my number, can I have yours?

Let's make like fabric softner and snuggle

Do you like bananas or blueberries? Why? I wanna know what kind of pancackes to make in the morning.

Hey baby. Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm not a poet, but damn girl, you're hot!

Hi there. Inheriting 50 million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock!

Is your dad a thief or something? Because someone stole the stars and put them into your eyes!

I've heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?

Excuse me, but I'm new in town, can I have directions to your place?

Can I buy you a drink - or would you just prefer the five bucks?

I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

I wish I were a tear so i could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

You must be the reason for global warming because you're hot.

You know what would look great on you? Me.

Can I read your T shirt in brail?

Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

I think I need to call heaven because they've lost one of their angels.

Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get!

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

The body is made up of 90% water and I'm thirsty.

Baby you must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night!

Are you an overdue book? Because you've got FINE written all over you!

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

You know, winning the lottery doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

If I had a garden I'd put your tulips and my tulips together.

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you'de be called McGorgeous.

All those curves! And me with no brakes!

Can I even get a fake number?

You'll do.

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there is no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are,"he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Only In Texas ...
>
> Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
> Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
> The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in
> the head with his nightstick.
>
> "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
>
> "You're in Texas , son." the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in
> Texas , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
> car."
>
> "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from California and didn't
> know your laws here."
>
> The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the
> guy his license back.
>
> The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
> window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper
> smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
>
> "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
>
> "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
>
> "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked..
>
> "I know you Californians," the trooper says, "two miles down the road
> you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
> tried that shit with me!"

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .

This is how it has affected me:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye-- they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back ! on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.....

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
 mistake).
 One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors
 was ajar.
 I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
 keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the
 kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me
 that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

 Now fast forward a few months.....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks
 are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner.
 Mom had assignments  for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
 When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
 laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next
 came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost
 died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table
 with a'special occasion' Kotex  napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had
 even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My
 mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
 other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special
 occasions!!!'

  Two prostitutes were riding around town with a 

  sign on top of their car which said: 

  'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.' 

  A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either

 have to remove the sign or go to jail. 

  Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 

  'JESUS SAVES.' 

  One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!' 

  'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled .. 

  'Their sign pertains to religion.' 

  The following day the same police officer noticed the same 

  two gals driving around with a large sign on their car. 

  He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: 

  'Two Fallen Angels 

  Seeking Peter -- $50'.