Sweet All Over's blog: "Jokes"

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:


A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesita tingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:  the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

And Meredith replied, "That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestan t .

"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

     She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

     Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

     Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

     Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.  

     And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

     Keep reading-they get better!!!

     WOMEN'S REVENGE

     'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

     As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

     'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

     'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

     and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

     UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

     (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

     I know I'm not going to understand women.

     I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

     pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

     and still be afraid of a spider.

     MARRIAGE SEMINAR

     While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

     Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

     'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

     He addressed the man,

     'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

     Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

     CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

     A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

     The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

     He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

     She directs him down the correct aisle.

     A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

     She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

     He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

     to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

     and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

     So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

     (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

     WIFE VS. HUSBAND

     A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

     An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

     neither of them wanted to concede their position.

     As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

     the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

     'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

     WORDS

     A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

     30,000 to a man's 15,000.

     The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

     The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'   

     CREATION

     A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

     so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

     'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

     God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

     God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

     WHO DOES WHAT

     A man and his wife were having an argument about who

     should brew the coffee each morning.

     The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

     and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

     The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

     you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

     Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'&nb sp;

     Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

     So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

     The Silent Treatment

     A man and his wife were having some problems at home

     and were giving each other the silent treatment.

     Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

     at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

     Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

     'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'

     He left it where he knew she would find it.

     The next morning, t he man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

     The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

     Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A farmer named 'Larry' had five female pigs. (no lipstick)

Times were hard, so Larry decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.  

At the fair, Larry met another farmer who owned five male pigs. 

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. 

The farmers lived sixty miles apart.

So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, Larry, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the  only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' 

The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.

So Larry hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. 

This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning Larry was too tired to get out of bed. 

He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon....and one of them is blowing the horn!!'

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
Marched straight up to the counter and said,
 
 " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a
Job."

 The social worker behind the counter said,
 
 " Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very
Wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
Daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply
All of your clothes.
 Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
To satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment
Above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

 The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me!"

 The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . You started it."

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.  After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

    He replied, 'No.  I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints.'

On his 74 th   birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby   reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile   dysfunction.

After   being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the   medicine man, all the time wondering what was to  come.

The   old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to   the 74 year-old.

With   a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine   and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.  

When   you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your   life and you will be able to perform as long as you  want."

The   old man was encouraged.  As he walked away,

he   turned and asked,  "How do I stop the medicine from working? "

"Your   partner must say  '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded.  "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The   old man was very eager to  see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife   to join him in thebedroom.

When   she came in, he took off  his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  

Immediately,   he was the manliest of men.

His   wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What   was the 1-2-3 for?"

And    that, boys and girls, is  why we should never end our sentences with a   preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!

Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam..


When it was time, they told her about the facts
of life.

They warned her about going
out

And

Getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
get a bad
Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of

Tater
Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get

Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring
Cousins.

When she went off to
Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the

Greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
when she went out West,

To
watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.


Yam said she would stay on the straight and
narrow
And
wouldn't
associate
with
those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other

Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And
Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato
University ) so that when she graduated she'd really

Be
in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!


Mr And
Mrs.
Potato were very upset.


They
told
Yam she couldn't
possibly

Marry
Tom Brokaw
Because he's just.......

A
COMMONTATER

Alittle boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

One day a household-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied "What does your shirt say?"

He yelled back, "OHIO STATE"

And they say blondes are dumb.

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A couple lying in bed, the man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you."

______________________________________________________________________

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

____________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you
 call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
 A: A rumor

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A man and his wife,
 now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
 On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because
 they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
 The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
 Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
 The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
 Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!
 Gotta love that fairy!

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Lord,
 I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and
 Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
 beat him to death.
 AMEN

______________________________________________________________________

Q: Why do little
 boys whine?
 A: They are practicing to be men.

____________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you
 call a handcuffed man?
 A: Trustworthy.

_____________________________________________________________________

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
 A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

______________________________________________________________________

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
 A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

_________________________________________________________________________

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

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