Lost One's blog: "Jokes"

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we-- Give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking dry wall..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye. . .

FOR THOSE OF US WHO LIVE HERE, I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS HILARIOUS....FOR PEOPLE WHO RECEIVE THIS AND DO NOT LIVE HERE BUT VISIT OCCASSIONALLY, THIS WILL HELP TO EXPLAIN WHY WE ACT THE WAY WE DO....ENJOY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE WEEKEND AND PLEASE, DRIVE SAFELY AND TAKE THE RIGHT EXIT OFF THE FREEWAY (OOPS, MY East Coast ROOTS ARE SHOWING), I MEAN BELTWAY. RULES FOR LIVING IN LAS VEGAS!! First, it's pronounced LOSS VAYGUS, nev-ADDA (not nev-AH-da). It doesn't matter how they say it in other places, You live HERE Now. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has no set traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive ! It's impossible to drive around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on! The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive". The 8:00 am rush hour is 4:30 am to 11:30 am. The 5:00 pm rush hour is 11:30 am to 10:15 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends some time late Sunday night. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue. For the most part, you can do anything you want, as long as it isn't in a school zone. Rainbow Blvd. has THREE exits from the 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead "Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and." Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month. The 215 beltway intersects on the North and the South with many of the same streets, such as Jones/215,Decatur/215 and Rainbow/215. You must be specific in your directions or the repairman will end up 25 miles from your house. Ditto for newcomers. Many major roads just end abruptly in somebody's garage, a Home Depot, a Casino or McCarran International Airport Runway and start again after the interruption. That was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. Never attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like rain, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend. Once a year, when it rains, the Las Vegas Wash and the City of Las Vegas become as one. The wind blows every day, and it is impossible to live in Las Vegas without some kind of allergy drug. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. No highway or major road will ever be completed. Get used to it! And, yes, we all know that man in a teddy and a tiara on Fremont Street. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do. And, these are my favorites: You know you're from Las Vegas, Nevada when... You think a red light is merely a suggestion. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after September but clear out come May. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof. You no longer associate bridges with water, only shade. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. You can say 115 degrees without fainting. (But it's a dry heat!!!) Every other vehicle is a 4x4. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. The pool can be warmer than you are. You can make sun tea instantly. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?" People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts! You notice the best parking spots are determined by shade instead of distance. The Air Conditioner is on your list of best friends. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. In summer the water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to the mailbox. No one would dream of putting vinyl/leather upholstery in a car. And no, we do not live elsewhere and commute every day! People actually live in Las Vegas, and love it!

To Whom It May Concern: I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer, and it kills water. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free Replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African Spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking Lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day! .... -------------------------------------------------------------------- New Study A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.....

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Fred is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue? "The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year." Fred rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Marsha. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life....just as the medicine man had promised. Marsha, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.