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Lulu's blog: "Jokes"

created on 09/20/2007  |  http://fubar.com/jokes/b131812
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Christmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Michelle, It blows my ****ing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-up? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Jessica, Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Timmy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa

Women vs. Men

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
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