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Fun Ky Monkey
Welcome To The Funky Monkey Train. Wanna come Jump on the funky monkey train? sure ya do!! all you have to do is add/fan/rate all members on the train. There is only 1 rule on this train tho! NO DRAMA!! Ok lets get this funky monkey train going. once you have added everyone please send a private message to both Tracy and Summer so you can be added and your tag can be made. Thank you And Have Fun!!! OWNER Tracy{Shadow Leveler} Fu Owned By Summer Uk & Onwer Of Summer uk !!!@ fubar OWNER ~♥~Summer~♥~@ fubar Fun in the Sun Laid in the Shade!@ fubar ONE&ONLY SYCHO {FU-SLAVE TO JOHNNY}OWNER OF FUBAR ADDICTED BOMBERS/CLUB FAR
Funkeltitten!!!
I has just been brought to my attention that the German translation of GlitzyHooters is Funkeltitten. I like it, it's staying. Anyone want the German translation of theirs, go see Tom. Goodbye for now. Funkeltitten xxx
Funky Town!
Let’s go to Funkytown! Dusty is having an all 80’s Auto 11’s weekend! She is trying to get closer to Prophet. Rate some pics, listen to some “blasts from the past”, and then private message her for a custom tag (if you’d like one). (No SB's please)
Funkydippin
i am shane taivalantti from england.i am in to boxing football keeping fit.i love to cook and in to going clubs pubs like going out for meals.and like nights in watchen a good dvd.
Funky Symbols
Note: character entity names are case sensitive.Special Characters for HTMLCO Controls and Basic Latin[ " ] quotation mark[name: "] [number: "][ & ] ampersand[name: &] [number: &][ < ] less than[name: <] [number: <][ > ] greater than[name: >] [number: >]ISO 8859-1 Symbol Entities[ ] non-breaking space[name:  ] [number:  ][ ˇ ] inverted exclamation mark[name: ¡] [number: ¡][ ˘ ] cent[name: ¢ ] [number: ¢][ Ł ] pound[name: £] [number: £][ ¤ ] currency[name: ¤] [number: ¤][ Ą ] yen[name: ¥] [number: ¥][ € ] euro sign[name: €] [number: €][ ¦ ] broken vertical bar[name: ¦] [number: ¦][ § ] section[name: §] [number: §][ ¨ ] spacing diaeresis[name: ¨] [number: ¨][ © ] copyright[name: ©] [number: ©][ Ş ] feminine ordinal indicator[name: ª] [number: ª][ « ] left angle quotation mark[name: «] [number: «][ ¬ ] negation[number
Fun Life
After the Orange hair episode, my hair really started to recede. My woman bugged me to do something about it. I tried all kinds of ointments, etc and I think I actually lost more. But then, I saw IT!!!!!!!!!! Burt Reynolds had IT. Infact he was the spokesman for NEW HAIR. a hairpiece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammm ... If Burt can do it, so can I. So I bought me one.. actually two. The New man went home and everyone was elated. "Bob looks sooo young now!!!!!!" Well, I was doing some night club singing and it sorta fit into my new style and everything was going great now. One day the family and I went to a Cafeteria restaurant. I had my one year old grand daughter in my arm and was pushing the tray down the line and suddenly Alexandra reached up, grabbed my hairpiece and YANKED IT OFF! I grabbed it real fast and slapped it back on my head and continued down the line. As I was walking up to the table, everyone was laughing. "HUH?" My woman handed me a mirror. SHIT! I had s
Funloving_37
Fun Lovin Woman
hope everyone is having a safe new year so far my birthday is jan. 19. im 26 happy holidays have fun and be safe
Fun, Love And Lots Of Friends
Funny Stuff I Find Or Come Upon
I know we haven't known each other for that long and I really shouldn't be asking you for this, but I want it so bad! Don't get me wrong it's just that I haven't had it for a long time. I could already feel it going in so hard and coming out so soft and wet. No one has to know about this, I'm desperate, and your help will be very grateful. You must think I have a lot of nerve asking you for this but I can feel my tongue around it sucking all the juice out until there's no more left, this has been on my mind all day long and I hope I'm not being forward but can I have a piece of gum? JUST CLICK ON THE BANNER AND COME ON IN!!! DJ* Dollface*Angel~Fyre*N*Ice Virgin@ CherryTAP How sexually stunning are you? Stunningly SexyYou are insanely full of sexiness. You know what you want & you know just how to get it. Your lover will enjoy how you put them over the edge. Keep up what you're doing, maybe some people could learn a thing or two f
Funny Shit!!!!!!
http://vili.us/hypno.html You are 90% Bisexual You are very bisexual. The choice between guys and girls is often agonizing for you because you really don’t have a preference. But you always double up your chances every night for getting laid. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see
Funnies
"And I Quote" You were born an original - Don't die a copy Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you'll die tomorrow A broken heart continues to beat Follow your heart... but take your brain with you Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death I'm old enough to know better, but too young to care Fall seven times, stand up eight times You never lose by loving, you always lose for holding back You don't fail by not succeeding, you fail if you refuse to get back up Listen closely to your enemies, they tell you your faults Always forgive your enemies - they hate that You may regret things you do, but you regret the things you don't more Don't be sad it's over - be happy it began - so don't regret the past - you can't change it When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch "Bunnies" Bunnies are brown, Bunnies are white,
Funny Net Musings !
1. Do you still have all your real teeth? Nope, had them pulled for braces. 2. If you could look like any celebrity, who would it be? No one 3.How much $ is in you wallet right now? bwahahahahaha 4.Have you ever had braces? Yup 5. Do you go tanning? GO tanning.........? I go Burning! 6. Everyone says theyre funny but be honest, are you? Usually....at least I think so and that's what really matters 7. Do you have big feet? Compared to?.......... 8. Do you wear underwear every day? Who's? 9. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? About the same age 10. Do you have more than 5 best friends? Nah 11. Confess, who have you kissed on your top 8? I don't have a top 8........whew! Got outta that...LOL 12. Do you like cheese? Yummmm Ceeeeeeeeese 13. How many tattoos do you have? 11 14. Do you like your hair? When I don't, I just buy more.......ha ha 15. There can be only one True or False: true 16. Have you
Funniest Shit Ever
MySpace, YourSpace, OurPlace, A disgrace? Comments wont post, No reading of blog? Into my page... I cannot log. There's an error here, An error there, After 6pm (EST), I pull out my hair! Now, I do see, That the cost is free, Zip, zero zilch... To folks like you and me. However, advertisers must tire, When a page does expire, Their ads unseen... Profits none higher. From California to Beijing, We should all join hands and sing, One beautiful harmony... "PEACE, WE'RE JOINING LOSTCHERRY" So, ok...this is actually a man's point of view, but out of respect 4 men (aka dogs) I have decided to spread this assholes (who I truly adore) OPINIONS. And then I want my ladies 2 back it up with straight facts!! OK!! Men..Just do what ever it is that U guys do!! ENJOY!! One of life's biggest misconceptions is that men don't like to settle down with women because they have to stop fucking aroun
Funny Things :d
Camel Toe A few days ago I was at the auto parts store when a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. No one had any clue what the part was -- even the manager. "Come on!" she said, exasperated. "Every car I've ever had has one! But mine fell off, and I need a new one." Finally, I stepped in. "Would it help to look under my hood, and you can point out what it is you want?" I asked. "Yes!" she exclaimed, and I led the blonde to my car with a parade of parts guys right behind. I opened the hood. "Is there a 710 on this car?" I asked. She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!" And here's what we saw:
Funny Videos
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Funnies
   A is for apple, and B is for boat,                                       That used to be right, but now it won't float!                                          Age before beauty is what we once said,                                              But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... The  New
Funny- Previously Written
hi I am just bored and hungry. I have penutbutter and jelly, and bread. But I can't get the lid off my jelly. I must have been bored or drunk or something and skrewed it on reallly tight. Guess that makes me a tight skrewer. I don't want to eat just penutbutter and bread. So I'm sitting here hungry. The store by my room is doing ronovation. So right now, they aren't selling frozen foods. Otherwise I could walk over and get a hotpocket. So all I have in my room is pb and jelly and various alchahol. And I can't get the fucking lid of the jelly!! So how is your day going? Eliminating Sexism in the Army through Policies and Training People everywhere deserve to be treated fairly. Treating people equal, promotes the feeling that we are equal, where as treating people differently promotes the idea we aren’t equal. Why treat someone different, if they are equal to you? Sometimes differences in intelligence, strength, and skill level have to be
Funny
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."But madam," he said, "you must know that your derriere is exposed!"The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!" Philosophy GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-
Funny Shit, Cool Crap And Stuff I Just Want To Put In This Blog...muahhh
i love the way you fit in my arms or the way i make you smile i love the fact that your always there to listen in times of trials i love your charm and beauty your smell, soft lips, and your hair i love how much i love you even tho im not there i love the way you make me nervous i say the wrong thing and i trip i wish i had lots of money to take you sail round the world on a ship i love how my heart skips when ever your on the phone i still think of you everytime i put in that cd deftones there are so many times i should have told you how i really felt inside and then maybe things would have been different but these feelings i can not hide you mean the world to me babe
Funnies
>Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are >met by St. Peter He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives >that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone >you wish to be... The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and >*poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* >she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.. " St. Peter >looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked " Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. >Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring >a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to >St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it >back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara >Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." > >If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! IF YOU SEE SHEEP.......    YOU NEED GLASSES!!!!!! Free Myspace
Funnies
Do this survery you'll be amazed! http://memoriter.net/flash/test.html Random sings
Funny Videos
Wal-Mart Greeter An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Wal-Mart with her two kids. Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she demanded of the Wal-Mart Greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!" > > "Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the Greeter. He chose a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.' > > "If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman."Sorry,Ma'am," the Greeter said,standing aside." You and The twins have a nice day". The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike." The greeter agreed."No they don't, Ma'am,I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice." Guy Does Over 50 Impersonations Not bad for a regular guy.
Funny
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE or PMS, does it take to change a light bulb? A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHAN
Funny :)
Hope you all have a good day :)) and please answer the smiley's question lol
Funny Blogs
1.The Goddess worried that man would always be lost because men hate to ask for directions 2..The Goddess knew that man would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) 3.The Goddess knew that man would never buy a new underwear when his seat wore out and would therefore need woman to get one for him. 4.The Goddess knew that man would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 5.The Goddess knew that man would never remember which night was garbage night. 6.The Goddess knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 7.As "Keeper of the Garden," man would never remember where he put his tools. 8. When Goddess created man, she stepped back, scratched her head, and said, "ROUGH DRAFT!!" 9. DUH!! And the numcer 10 reason... The Goddess is a girl!
Funny Stuff
Funny Clips Lmol
Get video codes at Bolt. Bottle of Merlot... A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This isfrom the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dol
Funny!!!
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mum almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mu
Funny Stuff
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 09. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 08. See if they could finally do the splits. 07. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet. 06. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 05. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 04. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 03. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 02. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 01. Finally find that damned G-spot. What women would do if they had a penis for a day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 09. Get a blowjob. 08. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 07. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 06. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl
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Funny Things
1-Skin signs tell all 2-Sick people don't bitch 3-Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing. 4-About %70 of the battery patients more than likely deserved it. 5-The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are. 6-There is no rule six, insert your own. 7-When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say. 8-All bleeding, seizures, falls will stop....eventually. 9-All people will eventually die, no matter what you do. 10-If the child is quiet, be scared. You find humor in other people's stupidity... You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm... Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you... You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants... You believe a good tape job will fix anything... You have the bladder capacity
Funnies
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes.
Funny As Hell
My girl is really cool and I think she is great but sometimes I find her saying things that makes me pause and think "what is she thinking?". Just the other day I was describing a print I wanted to photograph and she says to me, straight faced as ever, "You have a superly brilliantly mind"...uhhh what? Just today she tells me about a book she is reading by Anne Rice and she drescibes the book as having, and I quote-"lusty love thoughts"..Ha, gotta love her. Lusty Love thoughts, I told her it sounds like she should be writting for penthouse in a closet wearing gorilla pants or something. I suggested she even change her profile name on here to Lusty Love Thoughts. "Lusty Love Thoughts"...classic Heather.
Funny Stuff
Rejected Hallmark Cards "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... -- What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!... -- Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you.... -- have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... -- After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... -- I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... -- that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... -- Like the need for therapy." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... -- I never knew what evil was before this!" "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. -- You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married... -- but not to you." "Yo
Funny
"What cuss words really mean" Body: The mom calls the husband a "bastard" and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and hears his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!" So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?" His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat" and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "Shit" and billy said "Dad, whats shit" And then his dad says "Well billy, Shit is a type of Shaving cream " and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!" and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?" "Well billy fuck is a way cutting the turkey" and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says "Hel
Funny
Your Fortune Is Baseball got it all wrong — man with four balls cannot walk. The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator You Were a Dog You are an excellent companion and a loyal friend. A good protector, you smell trouble before it arrives. What Animal Were You In a Past Life?
Funny
Funny Shit
New Music Video From David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff - "Jump In My Car" That's right, it's Hofficial... your favourite cult icon wants to take you home! The one and only David Hasselhoff of "Bay Watch" and "Knight Rider" fame returns with a cover of the1975 classic 'Jump In My Car' and its a doozy. Recorded in Sydney last year with the legendary Harry Vanda (AC/DC, The Angels), the Ted Mulry Gang tune has been re-vamped with full Hoff gusto and this music video promises to rock the socks off all his Hofficial fans. Watch it, enjoy it, share it on Google Video, courtesy of Sony BMG Australia.Want more? Buy the buy the track on iTunes Australia by clicking here:http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=155871591&s=143460
Funny Video Of Me
Get this video and more at MySpace.com
Funny Videos
Funny Videos ha ha. made you look
Funnies
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or filtering and/or fermenting. WATER = poop WINE = HEALTH Ergo: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service... Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for t
Funny Videos
This light show is made every year at a real house and is programed to go with a simolcast on the radio to the music. Scared - video powered by Metacafe This is amazing... there are subliminal messages when Jingle Bells is played backwards... click this link to hear. Let me know what you hear. It is spooky!
Funny Pix/animationz
MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts MySpace Layouts blog layouts
Funny Stuff
A little 'Johnny humor' to brighten your day! Little Johnny Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, - Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... at this point
Funny Ass Shit And Cool Shit I Found On Youtube.com
u have to play them each separately of course but give them each time to dl all the way funny mime version of the song torn i think it is battle of lord of the dance i thought this was awesome two tappers and the lord of the dance dudes battling dot from madtv on tv show about jesus bein in her school picture i love when she farts and blames jesus too funny and how mean her dad is to her for being so silly with a great imagination guess some parents wouldnt want that in a child i would i would die laughing all the time many times over
Funny
What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
Funny Stuff
I saw this on a guys Myspace "About Me"... Which he got from George Carlin.... "I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural, postmodern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a hightech lowlife. A cutting edge, state of the art, bicoastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! "I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hotwired, heatseeking, warmhearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive. "Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet and pushin' the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I’ve got
Funnies
You scored as Dog. You are the Dog. You are the most loyal of your friends and you protect them at all costs. Being what you are makes you happy and your friends like that about you.Horse100%Dog100%Wolf92%Ram92%Crow92%Salmon92%Dragon83%Fox83%Eagle83%Bear67%Deer67%Stag
Funny Clips
Funny
Funny Shit
A man walks into a grocery store and notices a woman staring and then waving at him..He walks over to her and says.you look very familiar...."Do I know you". he says....The woman replies."Yes you know me' your the Father of one of my Kids...The man replies."Oh my gosh...Are you the woman from my Bachelor party that tied me up beat me up while your friend shoved a giant Dildo up my ass???..the woman looked at him in shock and said."NO,I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER"!!!!!!
Funny As....
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral." Free Video Hosting   Watch More Videos Free Video Hosting   Watch More Videos Thanks for watching...if you liked it ..leave a comment...cheers
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Is just like Vampirefreaks, Just as annoying, And just as stupid. With the same boring people. I am here for one purpose and one purpose only: To Rid this Website of A damned fucking Art Thief. This Art Thief Goes by the name of Untruthful_reflections. Pay the thieving Cunt a visit, Since his pictures arent actually his, They belong to my friend Ryan. Good day!
Funny Jokes
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger? A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "D
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Funny Thoughts...
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A. A love call. Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill? A. Leave the plunger in the toilet. Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Doughnuts. Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A. 100 people who don't do dick. Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory? A. Two test tickles Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. sky is blue Water is wet I'll make you cum I'll make you sweat Pressed up against my body Movin up and down Slowly but firml
Funny News
As you know, Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She’s thrown her hat into the ring. And then bill threw his ring into the drawer. Party! Party! The knock against Hillary running for president is that she’s smart, but not electable. Or as political experts call that: a Democrat.   John Edwards, who is also running for president, is being criticized because the new house he just moved into is one of the biggest in North Carolina. It’s 28,000 square feet on 102 acres. See, Edwards became famous for talking about the two Americas. Now both of them can fit into his backyard.   According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana.   On a campaign trip yesterday Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men because she had to put up with her husband which . . . explains why Hillary wants to lo
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Watch all 3 parts or you going to miss the point Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
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Funny Things
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought
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Fun Naked Things
How can I post photos here...this is so frustrating...
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boner alarmAdd to My Profile | More Videos
Funny Joke... In A Bad Way... Lol
"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay, Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "And what happened, honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and i
Funny Shit
GENTLEMEN!! IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs fe
Funny Funny Funny Yet Sad
Sadly someone is taking this site seriously, but it's worth a click to laugh at it http://www.americansforpurity.org/
Funny Stuff Lol
SAD NEWS Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Doug
Funny Stuff
Your Name Is Too Too Sexy! :) Your name scored 203 in the "How Sexy Is Your Name Test" How Sexy Is Your Name? You Should Get a Rose Tattoo Sexy and classic You are pure rock and roll, party girl. So is your tattoo. What Tattoo Should You Get? YOU'VE BEEN MOONED BY THE CHRISTMAS ELF :-P
Funny Funny!!!
a burnette mother walks into her daughters room and sees a smoked cigarette. "i didnt know my daughter smoked." a red head walks into her daugters room and sees an empty beer bottle. "i didnt know my daughter drank." a blonde walks into her daughters room and sees a used condom. "golly, i didnt know my daughter had a dick." a few days after christmas, a little girl was waiting at the cross walk with her new bike when a police officer on a horse comes up next to her. "nice bike," he tells her. "did you get it for christmas?" "yep," she replies. "well," says the officer. "im sorry, but your bike doesnt have a reflector on it. im gonna have to give you a ticket." he hands the little girl a ticket. she looks up at the officer. "nice horse," she says. "did santa give it to you for christmas?" the officer chuckles. "yep." then, the little girl says, "next year, tell santa that the dick belongs on the bottom of the horse, not the top." NOTE TO ALL BLONDS: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE
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ChAtS FuNkY CaTs MiXUploaded by astre FunnycatsUploaded by Emitdart Baby Panda SneezesUploaded by haios
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You Are 23 Years Old Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. What Age Do You Act? Before you read too far, please make sure you have a sense of humor and are not easily offended. The ideas in this were taken from random thngs I heard from friends or saw in bulletins. It's for my own entertainment only, I just thought I'd share! ;) By the way, I never write poems, so deal with the formatting mistakes lol. Now, on with Harry the Cherry! We
Funny Stuff
A woman got revenge on her cheating boyfriend by hijacking his MySpace page. Sam Deakin found out Matt East, 25, was having an affair with one woman and trying to date another 20. So she changed the welcome note on his page to say: "I'm a pathological liar. I cheat regularly." She then mimicked the Mastercard TV commercial, reports the Sun. She wrote: "Dinner in a posh restaurant...$100. Night in a top hotel...$200. Finding out your boyfriend is a lying scumbag and changing his MySpace page so everyone can see...PRICELESS." She changed his password so he couldn't hack in and alter what she had done. The site received more than 250,000 hits in five days with women slagging off Matt as a "total loser". Mum-of-two Sam, a website designer from Bournemouth, Dorset, said: "I wanted to show him up for who he is." Sam revealed he asked one girl: "You, me, handcuffs, whipped-cream. How about it?" The site has been closed by MySpace. Matt, of Bournemouth, said: "I a
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Funny
You Are 31% Feminine, 69% Masculine You are in touch with your masculine side. You are not overly sensitive and not easily moved. Occasionally, though, something will get through and touch your heart! Are You Masculine or Feminine? When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I Politely said, "This is Pete. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging
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South Park The Movie (Naughty Language)Add to My Profile | More Videos
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check me out in the sexiest female body....comment and rate me....~kisses http://cherrytap.com/viewimage.php?u=156422&albumid=102669&i=1345394944 A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey, Pal, I think your girl friend has gone home." Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman
Funny
A monkey was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up anotherjoint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and hollers, "Hey!" The monke
Funny Video Walking Glutes
These Glutes are Made for Walking Glutes bouncing to the beat.
Funny Shit
If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match? Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
Funny Stuff
I was in a store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog....Duh!! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus story and she was totally buying it. I told her that is was an easy, inexpensive diet and that they way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food
Funnies :)
1) Talk about a huge breast. 2) Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3) It's "Cool Whip" time!! 4) If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!! 5) Whew!! that's one terrific spread!!! 6) I'm in the mood for a little "Dark Meat"!! 7) Are you ready for seconds yet?? 8) It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?? 9) Just wait until it's your turn, you'll get some!! 10) Don't play with your meat!! 11) Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!! 12) Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?? 13) I didn't expect everyone to come at once!! 14) You still have a little bit on your chin and lips!! 15) How long will it take after you stick it in?? 16) You'll know it's ready when it pops up!! 17) Wow!! I didn't think I could handle all of that!! 18) That's the biggest one I've ever seen!! 19) How long do I beat it before it's ready?? 20) It's ready!! It's ready!! THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICU
Funny Star Trek Joke
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met Condoleezza Rice. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." Condoleezza Rice said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs." "My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." " Condoleezza Rice laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Funny
Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin , is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City . I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time
Funny Shit
ok i was at this party last saturday night with some homies we were havin fun so my bro decided to make this drink him n a homeboy made up i dunno if any of y'all have tasted somethin like this but a get a 2 litter of mountian dew, half a bag of smarties and a fifth of everclear.... mix all that shit up inna milk jug shit or somethin shake it til all the smarties are gone, but jus warnin ya dont try n think your smarter then everyone else cause ya smashed the smarties if ya do that it will make it taste like shit! this shit will get ya FUCKED UP n it takes the kick of takin everclear straight A costume party is planned with the theme: "Dress as an Emotion." On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink!" A
Funny Stuff....
Funny
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He Thinks - this is OK . Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. ..... In one second the sharp
Funny Shit
My boyfriend is so much fun. He just let me highlight his hair!! Next I get to pluck his unibrow!!! I'm giggling just thinking about it!!! :P He's suck a sweet heart. Last night he helped me make a blanket for my daughter. He even bought the material for it. It's one of her Christmas gifts...such a sweetie!! :D Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him In the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "! When we pull you over in West Virgi! nia , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then
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Who let the dogs out?!!!!Add to My Profile | More Videos falls and wallsAdd to My Profile | More Videos Want one? Go to www.geocities.com/testiflash
Funny Shit!!! Hahahaha Who's The .50 Cent Hooker, With A .25 Cent Discount??????
Famous people walk on red carpet cuz they ar rich........ I walk on toilet paper cuz I'm the shit!
Funnies...
A is for the Angel who sang, "Peace on Earth", B is for the bells that rang out the Baby's birth. C is for the Christmas candle, lighting up the night, D is for the drum that makes one boy's Christmas bright. E is for the Eve when we're all excited! F is for the fun when the tree is finally lighted! G is for the gifts Santa leaves on that special night, H is for the holly with pointed leaves and berries bright. I is for the icing on our Christmas cake so tall, J is for Jesus, the reason for it all. K is for the kindness shown without reason, L is for the Lights of the Season. M is for the Manger bed for Jesus at His birth, N is for Noel we all sing on earth. O is for the oxen, the first to adore Him, P is for the Presents the Wise Men lay before Him. Q is for the quiet night, with hardly a beat, R is for the reindeer with speedy tireless feet. S is for Santa bringing Christmas Joy, T is for the lighted tree, to amaze each girl an
Funny Things :)
There is nothing wrong with rating what you want...not everybody is a 10....and if you don't feel they are, then give them what you want...or don't rate at all :) Now here is my question...do you think it is fair for someone to purposely go through your pics and downrate them?? For example...say you have a couple pics of your children or pets...I just think its kind of odd that people would go look at all your pics and give decent ratings or not rate any except maybe pics of your children, pets, house, or whatever....and then rate them with like a 2 or 3... I know accidents happen...like downrating while a page is loading...but I know that I correct this when the page is loaded....its just weird to see ratings come up in my alert box, a 7, 5 and 4....and then I see which pics got the low rating and I can't believe someone would be so petty as to rate low on my children... Any opinions on this one?? Joke of the Day! There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his
Funny ...
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?" "Well" replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs." "That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew. "No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I've been having physiotherapy
Funny Links
cut and paste links below Plays it the right way the first time but the second time it is backwards you have to hit the play button twice. Turn the volume up http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf Subject: Granny Guard http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf
Funny Shit
So this was something I could not keep to myself. I went to the store this morning on my way to work. I needed gas and I decided to pick up some organic chips (because hey I'm trying to diet). Anyway I paid ...got back in my car, and just as I was about to pull out of the parking lot, this guy, who had to be at least 60 walks by me, he had these old man glasses and a ball cap (pretty normal) until you realize he's wearing an eighties workout get up. You know the shirt cut off just above the belly so you can see your stomach. His pants, or shorts (because they were cut off at the knee) I couldn't quite figure out if they were spandex, if not it fooled me. They were so tight. As he passed me I noticed this tiny pink thong a womans thong, I kid you not a womans thong showing from the back of this guys pants. I was laughing so hard I was crying. He stops before entering the store and changes his mind, turns to head back past me to his really nice Mercedes, when it became comepletely obviou
Funny Vids. ( I Dont Want Them All Over My Main Page, So I'm Putting Them Here Enjoy)
this is a good one... all you ladies take notes... heh heh heh Anal SexAdd to My Profile | More Videos
Funny Stuff
Top 10 Scientifically Inaccurate Movies Armageddon We could put together a long list of all the things wrong with Michael Bay's feel-good ode to global destruction, but NASA has already and they counted at least 168 mistakes. But perhaps the biggest problem is that the plot itself -- splitting a Texas-sized rock in two with a single nuke -- has a Texas-sized hole in it. We don't have a nuclear bomb anywhere near powerful enough to do the job. As strange as it might seem, this is a case of a Michael Bay movie not having a big enough explosion. Independence Day That mammoth mothership hovering over the earth in geostationary orbit would be doing more than just freaking out the world's population. Because of its close proximity and mass -- 1/4th that of the moon, according to the film -- the flying saucer's gravitational pull would cause massive tidal waves, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes. The aliens wouldn't even have to roll out their anti-matter ray to blow up the White House -
Funnies And Other Stuff
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap. The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys? I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!" "Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself. I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit. Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the
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Lee Evans : Bohemian rhapsodyAdd to My Profile | More Videos So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels
Funny, But True?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.? Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all you
Funny Stuff
Sex Advice From A Friend Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been. The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night". The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?" The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night." His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?" The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing! The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. The white man asks, "What happened?!" The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!" The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?" The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, ey
Funny Stuff
Entrepreneurs How To Sniff Out A Liar Melanie Lindner, 05.13.09, 4:40 PM ET There are plenty of dangerously skilled liars--and not just the Bernie Madoffs and Jeffrey Skillings of the world. Indeed, under the right (or wrong) circumstances, we're all guilty fibbers. According to an oft-cited 1996 University of Virginia study led by psychologist Bella DePaulo, lying is part of the human condition. Over the course of one week, DePaulo and her colleagues asked 147 participants, aged 18 to 71, to record in a diary all of their social interactions and all of the lies they told during them. On average, each person lied just over 10 times, and only seven participants claimed to have been completely honest To be fair, most of the time we're just trying to be nice. (When your wife asks if you enjoyed the dinner she cooked, most husbands who know what's good for them say, "It was delicious.") Such "false positive" lies are delivered 10 to 20 times more often than spurious denials of culpability,
Funny Things....
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm i
Funny Shit
The Smurf Orgy It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have... you know... sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding yes! And why shouldn’t they? They’re people, too. What most people don’t know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason is because Smurfs only have sex once a year. Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you’d be blue, too. Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weather-Smurf’s direst predictions. I guess good ol’ Mr. Sun is a voyeur. In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS. Pa
Funnies!
Funnies!!
The Cowboy Boots" Body: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he s
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Funnies And Surveys
Read the following, both the letter and its reply. it\'s so funny!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , Lad\'s Night Out 4.2 and Day At The Races 1.1 run more infrequently than before, if at all. I can\'t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run any of these, my favorite applications. In addition certain other programs have manifested from nowhere including Housekeeping Allowance 9.2, Washing Up 1.0, Vacuum the Floor 3.1 and Cosy Night In 6.2 I\'m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn\'
Funny
WHAT IS RACISM You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK. But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP. You have BET. If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists. If we had white history month, we'd be racists. If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists. If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 o
Funny Stuff!
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. Plus, just like Larry the Cable Guy said, "If i can blame my gun on killing someone, then I can blame a mispelled word on my pencil." I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others becaus
Funny Sayings -kids
Humorous Sayings In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. You can't have everything, where would you pu
Funny!!!!
Funny....
Funny Names
Now since I have been on here, I have seen quite a few profile names scroll across the top. My two favorites so far are "I didn't lose my virginity, I know were I left it" and "I swing like Helen Keller at a pinata party" LOL does any one have any more they crack me up.
Funny :)
A teacher was talking to her grade one students about stuttering. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!" A little flab? One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the
Funny Shit
Our father who art in Philly, hockey be thy name. Thy will be done the cry will be won on ice as it is in the stands. Give us this day our pucks and sticks and forgive us our penalties, as we forgive those who cross check against us. Lead us not into elimination but deliver us into victory. In the name of the fans, Lord Stanley, and in the name of the Flyers. Amen. DJBARTABis up for auction Come place your Bids on this Sexy Sexy Man EXCALIBUR RAWK RADIO PRESENTS DJ BARTAB HE KICKS AZZ!!!!! > DJ BARTAB IS DJ'ING RIGHT NOW IN THE BEST LOUNGE ON FUBAR WE KICK AZZ!!! COME SEE THE BADAZZ RAWKIN OUT!!!!!!! HAVE SOMETHING U WANT TO HEAR ASK HIM HE WILL GET IT FOR U THE BEST HE CAN!!!!! CLICK ON THE BARTAB TO ENTER!!
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looking for a lot of friends
Funny Shyt
Your sexual experience is like a street racer You like to have fun all the time, and if hooking up is a consequence of that then so be it. You are very easy going and have a rocking life. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com
Funny Shit!!
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Funny Lol...
Funny
AS A HUSBAND EMERGED FROM THE BATHROOM HE NOTICED HIS WIFE HAD A HEADACHE. HE SAID TO HIS WIFE, PERFECT TIMING I JUST FINISHED POWDERING MY PENIS WITH ASPRIN. YOU CAN HAVE IT ORALLY OR AS A SUPPOSITORY... WHICH EVER YOU PREFER... Here's the rules!! Put in the subject "I'm up for sale" and see who wants to own you The first people to leave you a MESSAGE. saying "I own you", owns you It's that simple p.s Repost because this is funny and surprising to see who gets you first! if u dont repost this you will have the worst day tommorow and message me wit your answer "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a Ride!""
Funny Shit
ask the fruitcake laddyAdd to My Profile | More Videos
Funny Shit
Dating a Marines Daughter being the daughter of a Female Marine this is still true! hehhee Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
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Redneck Love Poem Kudzu is green, My dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky, To have a sweet thang like you. Your hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin’ in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like a bass, Which excites me in May. You ain’t got no scales, But I luv you anyway. You have all your teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd. Still them fellers at work, They all want to know, What I did to deserve, Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duck tape, Yo’re there for your man, To patch up life’s troubles, And stick’em in the can. Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that singer, Named Naomi Judd. When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, Yore age keeps on hidin’. And when you get old, Like a ’
Funny Ass Jokes!!!
awright, you know you're the class clown. so share with us!!
Funny...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie,the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." BUSH FANS...NO OFFENSE...BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THIS IS FUNNY! THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: Love
Funny
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.! The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. Its amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, its not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. ITS A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen until they get into what theyre after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole now this is where the theory begins. She doesnt want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They dont real
Funny
Women: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Men: Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. Clean up. Have another beer while oil is draining. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriv
Funny1
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Cla
Funny2
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Ch
Funny 3
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls
Funny 4
It's one day after Christmas I'm crabby and I'm broke. I'm so full of ham and fruitcake I think I'm gonna croak. It's nice to see the relatives I wonder when they'll leave. They've been camping in my bathroom since early Christmas Eve. They're eating everything in sight and sleeping in my bed. I been sacked out in the basement with my beagle, Fred. The relatives have all gone out and left their screaming brats. The toilet bowl is all plugged up and I can't find the cat. It's Christmastime at my house, the relatives are here. They eat me out of house and home. and drink up all my beer. I love the decorations, and the sleigh bells in the snow But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go. Those cookie crunchers fed the dog a twenty pound rib roast. His feet are sticking in the air like skinny old fence posts. Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys. They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all the
Funny 5
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Funny6
One-Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA. Two-Star Hangover: No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails. Thee-Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are d
Funny Pics
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Funny7
It's an incentive to show up. It reduces stress. It leads to more honest communications. It reduces complaints about low pay. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. It encourages carpooling. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. It makes fellow employees look better. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Funny 8
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... a
Funny9
20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I can
Funny Things
Funny 10
All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here: 1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know. 2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray,Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that. 3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week. 5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been moreliterate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have laps
Funny Joke Let Me Know If You Like
how do you make you lover scream durring sex? call him and tell him who your with..... whats the diff. between a wife and a girlfriend? 45 pounds whats the diff, between a hubby and a boyfriend? 45 mins. I want a boyfriend!!!!!!!!!
Funny 11
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. .... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. .... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
Funny 12
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' ...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. ...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. ...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. ...Please don't drive when you're not driving. ...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline ...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference! ...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine
Funny13
R: You're the one W: Next. R: You really know how to satisfy a woman. W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane? R: You're the best I've ever had. W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl. R: What color are your eyes? W: Is my discharge still brown? R: You make me forget my problems. W: You make me forget I'm just 15. R: I think we should go away for the weekend. W: I think we should go to the clinic. R: I love you. W: I love you.
Funny 14
"I can't believe that outfit she is wearing"; (said disdainfully). "Look at that guy!... Over there... behind the woman." "I think that's a man dressed as a woman!" "Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?" (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her. "I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case." "Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!" "Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron." "I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you!" (This one might only get you punched, but its worth a try.) "Do you think she's prettier than me?" (Give her a taste of her own medicine!)
Funny 15
Tired of people telling you how to get through the holidays without gaining ten pounds? Bah humbug! Here are tips to really enjoy the next week 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum-balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that is has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4.
Funny16
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years -and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave th
Funny 17
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge If you th
Funny 18
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV. BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted. CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together. CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit. COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling. CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one). DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal. EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes. FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat. FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair. FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers. FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served. FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert. GERMS: The
Funny18
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden sc
Funny 19
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated; 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
Funny 20
Your last name stays put The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtf
Funny 21
1)Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2)Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3)Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4)On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5)St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6)Garbage would take itself out. 7)Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8)The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9)Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10)Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11)Two words..."Ally McNaked". 12)When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would a
Funny
i am trying to get a platnum cherry and i need 2,500 comments to get it. i have 353 so far please click on the photo below and comment bomb or at least leave me some love it would be greatly apperciated. thanks in advance. A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Funny
DisorderRatingParanoid Disorder:LowSchizoid Disorder:LowSchizotypal Disorder:LowAntisocial Disorder:LowBorderline Disorder:LowHistrionic Disorder:LowNarcissistic Disorder:LowAvoidant Disorder:LowDependent Disorder:LowObsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Low-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! ---- Personality Disorders -- There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. Move to Alaska Tom had been in the liquor
Funny 22
With just a few days before Christmas all the stores are bustling with excitement and noise. I was really lucky…I got in the checkout line behind a petite woman who was checking out with about a million toys, a few groceries, and a couple of personal items. Halfway through ringing the lady out a box of twenty-four regular “Tampax” refused to be scanned by the electronic eye. The cashier casually picked up the microphone and said. “Price check on register five, regular “Tampex”, box of twenty-four.” The lady turned blood red … in the face. (sorry) But the cashier just kept on ringing up the rest of the ladies merchandise. As the last item beeped it’s way through the laser red scanner the quiet customer leaned across the conveyor belt and said softly to the cashier, “The Tampex is kind of an emergency.” Again without a cognizant thought the cashier grabbed the microphone and yelled quite loudly, “We need that price check on register five.” And again this very polite lady
Funny 23
One day, close to Christmas, Cathy was gift-shopping with her friend. On the way to their 3rd mall that day, Cathy accidentally hit a cat on the road. She hated to leave it their to be squished by and other drivers, so she got out, took one of the empty JC Penney bags and put the cat in (she covered in tissue paper first). Then she put it in the trunk and continued on her way. Once they got to the mall, Cathy and her friend got out to rearange the bags. She took out the JC Penney bag with the cat and put it on the ground until she was situated. When she turned back to get the bag, she saw a lady walking quickly towards the mall with the bag in her hand. Cathy and her friend knew what would happen, so they quietly followed her into the mall, but stayed back so they wouldn't be detected. They followed her into a restaraunt where she sat down and ordered food. Cathy did the same while her friend was in the bathroom. Finally, she saw the woman take the JC Penney bag and look inside.
Funny
when we have children , we never know what they are goin to be in life , when my son joined the army in march 07 it broke my heart , worse thing was signin over my parentalship to the army but they never took my heart an respect for him he joined up to become a driver for the royal lagistic corps , we never saw eye to eye when he was at home we had personality clash goin on so as you can imagine now im feelin so guilty , im right behind him on anythin he does in his life may not like it but im strong for his sake ,he came home on his fourth week for 4 days lemme say them 4 days were so precious to me tym just went so fast an hed changed so much i was stunned at how much someone can change in so little weeks but hes a strong lad i have so much respect an faith in him hes my angel as my other son jenson is the brothers had missed each other so much it was nice to be together again , as we took him the train station to go back to his barracks i had to hold the tears in as i didnt want hi
Funny Stuff
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE 1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy" 2. "You Were an Accident" 3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" 4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!" 5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" 6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" 7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" 8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" 9. "All Dogs Go to Hell" 10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" 11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" 12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" 13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" 14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" 15. "Bi-Curious George" 16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" 17. "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" 18. "You Are Different and That's Bad" 19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy" 20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games" 21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your
Funnies....love'm
-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.) -- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. -- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.) -- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. -- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. -- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. -- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds.
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Music Video Codes - MySpace Layouts
Funny 24
A warning label on a washing machine at a laundromat that warns, “Do not put any person in this washer” has been chosen as the nation’s wackiest warning label in M-LAW’s annual Wacky Warning Label Contest. The contest, now in it’s tenth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products. Grand prize winner receives $500 and a copy of new book based on the popular contest Bob Wilkinson of Northville, Michigan won the $500 grand prize and a copy of the new book, “Remove Child Before Folding, The 101 Stupidest, Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever,” by M-LAW president Bob Dorigo Jones. The washing machine warning and other winning labels were selected from a list of finalists by listeners of the Dick Purtan show on Detroit radio station, WOMC-FM. Bob Wilkinson of Northville, Michigan, holds the $500 grand prize check he won for sending M-LAW a warning label on
Funny 25
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Check your email. 3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 5. Check your email. 6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her. 7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 9. Check your email. 10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grad
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Check this out! It's way too funny! :) http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
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FURBIES ALWAYS WINAdd to My Profile | More Videos Stupid DogAdd to My Profile | More Videos BOMB ME PLEASE SHORTY
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German Man Chainsaws House In Half In Divorce Split A 43-year-old German decided do something many other men have only thought about, he settled his imminent divorce by literally chainsawing the family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck. The trained mason measured the single-storey summer house -- which was about 8 meters long and 6 meters wide -- before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls to create two halves. Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said: "The man said he was just taking his due. But I don't think his wife was too pleased". After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother's house where he has been staying since. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs: Phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently althoug
Funnies
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." ARE YOU TIRED OF THOSE SISSY "FRIENDSHIP" POEMS THAT ALWAYS SOUND GOOD, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY COME CLOSE TO REALITY? WELL, HERE IS A SERIES OF PROMISES THAT AC
Funny Stuff
I believe Alice knows that his fans LOVE and ADORE him......He does more than most in his shoes!!!!! He deserves to be in that hall but maybe his hall of fame is US!!!! They will never listen to his "disobedient children". So let them stay BLIND....WE DON'T NEED THEM!!!!!
Funny Stuff
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. 'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer... I hope you're ready for this one? ~ ~ ~ ~ "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied. " Redneck Friends Body: FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs Redneck FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell
Funnies
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit." A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, 'Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these.' The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and min
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Funny
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . > >1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. > >2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. > >3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. > >4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." > >5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. > >6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write: "For Smuggling Diamonds" > >7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." > >8. Don't use any punctuation > >9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. > >10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. > >11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is"To Go." > >12. Sing Along At The Opera. > >13. Go to A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhym
Funny Stuff
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. My dad sent this to me tonight i thought really funny The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home found my wife in bed with the Mexican gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison." I was on youtube and fo
Funny Shit
Cinderella was fired from disneytoday, she was found bouncing on pinnochio's face screaming "lie you little fucker lie"...
Funnies That Weren't Completely Worthless
Sung to the tune of I Will Survive Ladies, try not to laugh too loud when you sing this! SING IT GIRLS!!! At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now - go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It too
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dancin hippo!Add to My Profile | More Videos This is why I want a kitten ...Add to My Profile | More Videos LOL this is to muchAdd to My Profile | More Videos FartAdd to My Profile | More Videos funny fartsAdd to My Profile | More Videos Crow Genius
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Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from www.sexiluv.com
Funny Facts
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under." Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... What is a gluteusmaximusplasty? A gluteusmaximusplasty is a tushy tuck. You get your derriere reduced. Ulysses S. Grant was ticketed for speeding in his horse and buggy. He was fined $5.00. Coca Cola was originally marketed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage. There are 14 bones in your big toe. 40 Percent of McDonalds Profits come from happy meals. A bunch of bananas is also known as a hand and i
Funny Sh&%t!!!
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, water-drinkers are consuming one kilo of poop each year. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other
Funny Things From The Net
You've been seriously injured at Action Park. You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas. You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges." You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags." You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am. Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you. You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from. You know what a "jug handle" is. You know that a WaWa is a convenience store. You know that the state isn't all farmland. You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey - there's "The Shore," and you know that t
Funny Shit!
1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER 2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy 3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER 4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy 5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy 6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy 7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy 8. You normally don't find old beer. -One point to BEER 9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY 10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY
Funnys From Craigslist
Vagina seeks Penis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2005-10-21, 8:32PM CDT I am a 31 year old Vagina in fairly good working order seeking a nice Penis for fun and good times. Preferably not on the beach though, I do find that the sand chafes. I can't do any really fancy tricks but I can breathe underwater. I don't know if you're interested in threesomes but I always come with my best friend, Clitoris. She's a bit shy and doesn't always ask for attention but boy, is she a happy bunny when she gets it and I must say that I feel much better too. Oh and by the way, and this is probably the deal killer, I also come with a woman attached. Sorry, can't get rid of her, she's quite nice I guess, wish she'd lose some weight or not sit down so much, it's quite squashy down here. So if you're looking for skinny, I'm afraid you had better look elsewhere. She's a bit daft and get this, she wants to 'settle down and get married' S
Funny Shit!
Ok i stashed this too but i know some people never look at stash and i thought it was so funny I had to post it here too... I know this is a little late but still SO FUNNY!
Funny Stuff
Just a Theory The question is who, what, and why we are here A question that will linger after a full case of beer Are we children of God that inhabit this earth Or the product of monkies who kept giving birth Now rarely do people bring aliens into the picture Our only two choices are evolution and scripture Now scientists want DNA, facts, and samples All I have is a false theory with an accurate example Let's just say two aliens got drunk one night Were looking for action so their spaceship took flight Crash landed here first thing they saw was a monkey Who's friends looked good to, so the spacemen got funky They sobered up, realizing what they did And beat up the monkies who had us as a kid They left their children to be a hybrid gimp With extraterrestrial intelligence, yet dumb as a chimp Aliens skip through the universe like a sudden flash We can fly to Chicago and hope we don't crash They have enormous eyes and are hairless beings We have ha
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Body: In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Some of the other names also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. ********* The New Pepsi Drink ************* Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highball
Funny Stuff
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not s
Funny
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Funny Shit
THE VIBRATOR AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, O
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Funny Jokes
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's
Funny Sh*t Very True!
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN, HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL." "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN." Lmao Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothi
Funny Stuff!
The year's "Best Comeback" line If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. & nbsp;The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your
Funny Vids I Cant Post Elsewhere Cuz Its A No No !
Five~~~~ Six~~~ ~~Seven Ok awesome stuff I LOVe this Guy!!!
Funny Pics
if you are in need of a good laugh or you want to see some weird shit come and look at my pics I swear you will at least giggle a little bit so if your bored come check em' out, but if you do laugh at least rate them please
Funny Shit!
That's right bishes!!! You can't keep a good man down!!! Shady326 was deleted by an unknown source and we are trying to help him get back on his feet!!! Come show the man some love!!! Just click on the pic of the hot chick to visit his profile!!!!! lmao ♥ Music Video:WITHOUT ME (by Eminem)Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone Brought to you by: AlyCat ♥'s Shady326 -Owned by Shady326-~*Stiletto Girl*~@ fubar EGADS I'M FOR SALE!
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Destiny And The PoopReporter Posted 12.18.2002 by Dave (10557) Fate did not want us on this bus. Fate had abandoned subtlety, and had wrapped herself around my leg, begging us to not to board as I dragged her up the steps and on to the awaiting Greyhound. It was ten before five on a brisk fall afternoon in the ugly bus station a mile east of the house where George W. Bush lives. Fate's first warning: as the guy announced over the speaker that the next bus to New York would be leaving at five, the girl at the counter insisted there wasn't a bus until six. Odd. But, knowing Greyhound tickets are valid for any time, we chose to ignore her. I bought one for myself while Jenny was in the bathroom, but the girl wouldn't let my buy one for Jenny until she saw Jenny's ID. Odd. While I waited for Jenny to emerge, a dude in a leather jacket offered to sell me a ticket he guaranteed was valid. Now, I know from experience that nothing valid is ever sold by dudes in leather jackets. Bu
Funny Poems...go On Have A Giggle!!
Jingle Bells (Aussie style) Dashing through the bush, in a rusty Holden Ute, Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot, Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs, It's Summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute. Engine's getting hot; we dodge the kangaroos, The swaggie climbs aboard, he is welcome too. All the family's there, sitting by the pool, Christmas Day the Aussie way, by the barbecue. Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute. Come the afternoon, Grandpa has a doze, The kids and Uncle Bruce, are swimming in their clothes. The time comes 'r
Funny $h|t
I cant take cedit for this as i saw it on a bulletin but found it so funny i had to share it! This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE 1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate. 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises
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1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Funny Shit
This is the coolest thing I've read in ages! My uber gorgeous, way fucking cool, sleaze-boy friend, Jaculyn Fucking Jayne, from MySpace wrote this and it was too good not to share it. No matter how you feel about the bands involved, you have to admit, it oozes of his literary genius. A killer journalist you will be, my dear! Check out Jaculyn Fucking Jayne's MySpace page here. ENJOY! ~TP **************************************************** You know, I joke around a lot and don't take many things seriously, but this is something that I hold close to my heart. This is an issue that everyone should be worried about and take action again. I'm not talking about something made up like big foot and gay marriage, I'm talking about an issue much more important than anything like that. According to the Chicago Sun, since this cyclone of mind numbing agony has been in existence, at least 170 million unsuspecting victims have been taken in his wrath. Yes
Funny Shit
what a two weeks it's been but rest easy I will be back around more often schools were closed for a week and I had a million things to do hope everyone is well and thanks for all the luv Have a kick ass weekend girls and boys xoxo
Funny Stuff
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face Bless his hair that tends to curl Keep him safe from all the girls Bless his arms that are so strong Keep his hands where they belong Bless his dick, the one i sucked Bless the bed, in which we fucked And if my Mom happened to walk in Bless the shit I'd be in. Amen! Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated And it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and Sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew Eating right could be so easy. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cig
Funnies....
STUPID HUSBAND.... >> He forgot his Wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. >> She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." >> The next morning, Mark got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. >> Confused, the wife put on her robe, Ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. >> She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.
Funny Jokes
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.... Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!" Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have i
Funny But True Headlines
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Do they ever read what they write?] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning:
Funny Bulitens! ^_^ Lmao
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL". 3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face. 8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away. 10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences. 12. You have met over 100 AOLers. 13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!" 15. Yo
Funnies
There once was an American Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her andtook her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed
Funnies And Anecdotes
If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher, you will love this! Do you have a pair of scissors like these? I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home... Quote from the mom: 'This is my kindergartens' artistic rendering of a pair of scissors.' I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard.' Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
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Funny Shit
The truth about what happened? and proof???? Wait till after Friday and u will see all the proof and facts! I did not deserve this and MY DAUGHTER did not either! That is all i am going to say! Thank you and god bless you! KT LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK > >Today my baby girl's 18th birthday... I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those dang payments! > >So I calls my baby girl, LaKeesha, to comes to my house, and when she get there, I told her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she EVER be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face." > >So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. > >Baby girl walk through the door... I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" > >She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy"... and watch t
Funny.....
so i am home from work....help me out guys...keep me entertained im laughing my ass off
Funny
A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" *************************************** There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been l
Funnys
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) ~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse! . This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having s
Funny
>>Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school >> > > past >> > > a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a >> > > football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He >> > > holds up the football and says "See this football? >> > > Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" >> > > The >> > > little girl runs in the house crying and tells her >> > > mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys >> > > the >> > > girl a football. >> > > The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and >> > > the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah >> > > na nah!" >> > > The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See >> > > this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have >> > > them!" >> > > Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is >> > > riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he >> > > drops his pants, points at his most private of >> > > parts, >> > > and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and >> > > you
Funnies
1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians? - Hair balls. 2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? - You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive 3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? - Come in five flavors. 4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy? - Crust ! 5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? - Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork 6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? - If your girlfriend chews before swallowing OMG! OMG! OMG ! 7. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together? - A red headed bitch with a yeast infection 8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? - By sticking your finger in his honey 9. What is the ultimate rejection? - When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep 10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? - I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. 1
Funny Shit
>An interesting car ad here... >This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished >filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the >side >of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person >had >been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot. The ad was >never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly >phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in >the >middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front >of >the car then following it along the road....Spooky! Is it a ghost, >or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the >ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background >about it >near the end of the commercial. > >Be sure to listen... It is pretty spooky.
Funny Things I Have Found
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. " nick condoms---just do it toyota condoms----oh what a feeling pringles condoms----once you pop you cant stop kfc condoms----finger licking good j-ford condoms---the best never rest bounty condoms---the quicker picker upper energizer condoms--- it keeps going and going and going m&ms condoms----it melts in your mouth not in your hands star trek condoms---to boldly go where no man has gone before
Funny!
ok so i playied violin for 9 years and this had my sides hurting.. and it one of my Fav. ohhh ty silveroaks!! http://www.youtube.com/v/JdxkVQy7QLM
Funny Tx Pi Phi Delta Theta Chant
Running through the jungle with my dick in my hand I'm a mean mother fucka I'm phi delt man line a hundred bitches up against the wall I fuck 98 but couldn't fuck'em all so I backed off jacked off ate the other two and when I go to hell I'll fuck the devil too. AHHHHHHHHHHH SHHITTTTTTTT!
Funnies
MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts
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Darned If I Know......... > > A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find > out about something > exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When > the time came to > present what they'd found, the first little boy walked > up to the front of > the class made a small white dot .on the blackboard > and sat back down. > Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's > a period,'' said the > little boy. > > Well, I can see that,'' she said, "but what is so > exciting about a > period???" > > Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, "but this > morning my sister was > missing one. Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, > and the man next door > shot himself."
Funny
How To Get A Ticket 101 Easy way to meet with a Highway Patrolman Sex After Death A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Norma, Norma". "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" " Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona." Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great
Funny Jokes
Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests atheart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went t
Funny But Not!
The sex fairy ? This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ============= 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============= 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. =============
Funny Bike Ad
Funny
FW: Fwd: FDA Watch In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market
Funny Shit
Staff Notice With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated. The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be tak
Funny Stuf
Cool Slideshows
Funny And True
FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food. REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!" FAKE ASS FRIENDS: never seen you cry. REAL FRIENDS: cry with you FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: know a few things about you. REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!" FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile. REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
Funnnyyyyy...muahahaha
Funny But True...
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA. This guy should run for President one day... "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other Liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights." ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but No one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have
Funny Shit
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Two fleas from Wisconsin had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Las
Funny Crap
This is WRONG on every level! Heheheh... I know it's nowhere near halloween, but it's still funny and wrong.
~ Funny Chit ~
watch how fast he gives that evil look and just laughs so hard , cute kid Funny Dog runs all over and the cat just setting there waiting lol hehe Yea dear lets get some beer and chips and set on the balcony and watch the idiots drive in the snow :) hehe Watch the 1st one he hits 10 times before he stops lol
Funny Crap
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. 5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly. 6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day. 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. 8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone. 9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. 10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew. 11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk. 12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. 13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. 14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts. 15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. 16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. 17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have o
Funny Stuff
I have heard of some funny shit in my time but this is some of the worst ... I'm sure you all have heard of some "Dear" columns where people write in to get advice ... well get a load of these guys ... Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling aro
Fun Night
YEAH LAST FRIDAY WAS THE BOMB DIGGETY!~!HEHE YEAH BOTH MY BROTHERS CAME OVER N ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS AND YEAH IT WAS FUNN FUCKED UP N HAVEN A BLAST WELL I WASNT FUCKED UP BUT THEY WERE IT WAS FUNNII AS HELL BUT ANYWAY HOLLA AT ME SOMETIME~!~ YEAH THIS SATURDAY ITS GOING TO BE THE BOMB DIGGETY~!~*!~*~ YEAH GET DRUCK PARTY HEHE YEAH THATS HOW WE ROLL PEOPLE HIT ME UPP IF YOU KNOW ME~!~*~*!
~~funny Shit~~
OKAY, TODAY WAS A LONG DAY, BUT, I DID GET A COUPLE OF REALLY GOOD LAUGHS. OKAY SO MY CO-WORKER AND FRIEND WAS BEING FUNNY TODAY. SHE WAS RANTING AND RAVING (VENTING WE CALL IT) ABOUT HER HUSBAND AND STUFF. AND THEN SHE WENT TO HER OFFICE. SO ME KIDDING AROUND (WHEN SHE CAME OUT TO TALK TO THE BOSS) TOLD HER TO GO BACK TO HER OFFICE AND LEAVE THE BOSS ALONE. OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. CAN'T REMEMBER TOO CLEARLY. I'M KINDA TIRED BY NOW. IT'S NI NI TIME!!!! SO WHAT DOES SHE DO!!!!! SHE SAYS T YOU BE QUIET OKAY. I WAS LIKE HELL NO SHE DIDN'T!!!! AND I STARTED LAUGHING!!! I WAS LIKE NO U DIDN'T SHUT ME UP!!! SHE'S LIKE NO, I DIDN'T, I SAID PLEASE BE QUIET. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. WHATEVER!!! THERE IS SO NOT A DIFFERENCE!!!!! ANYWAY!!!!!! SO SHE WAS TALKING TO THE BOSS AND THEN I MADE SOME COMMENT OR OTHER AND DOESN'T SHE SAY T YOU KNOW WHAT I TELL MY KIDS? I'M LIKE WHAT AND SHE SAYS I TELL THEM "OKAY IT'S QUIET TIME NOW OKAY?" OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DIDN'T GO THER
Funnies..well Hopefully!
Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not." (SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "
Funny P/u Lines
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Wh
Funny Shit...
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit junp out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, being a sensitive man and an animal lover, pulls over and jumps out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible,! " he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road anot
Funny
----------------Girls---------------------------- ------- -----are like apples------------------- --------on trees. The best ones----------- ------are at the top of the tree.-------- ----The boys dont want to reach------ ---for the good ones because they ------ -are afraid of falling and getting hurt.---- Instead, they just get the rotten apples- ---from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think -something is wrong with them, when in --reality, they're amazing. They just ---have to wait for the right boy to------- ----- come along, the one who's----------- ----------- brave enough to----------------- -----------------climb all---------------------- ----------------- the way--------------------- -----------------to the top-------------------- ---------------- of the tree.------------------ SEND THIS TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU THINK ARE AMAZING
Funny
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of worki
Funny Stuff :)
Funny
the time has come for grown ups to do just that grow up, the senseless boo hooing over pics, blogs, comments and the like, as being unsuitable is rediculous we know they are unsuitable when they are labled as such or as adult it is the same cartoons are just that cartoons plants are plants get over it this is not school lets act accordingly we are old enough to monitor ourselves if there is a prob tell the person be a grown up i promise they will not beat you up on the play ground at recess so lets just get along none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue -- I will
Funny Shit
understanding women Current mood: calm Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy
Funny
Funny 2
HELLYEAH LYRICS "Alcohaulin' Ass" A little bit of sunshine A little bit of booze A little bit of me And a little bit of you A little bit country A little bit of blues A slice of heaven And a little piece of you...come on Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Alcohaul...in' ass A little bit thirsty A little bit used A little bit of whiskey And a little pinch of chew A little bit tired And a bad attitude A little bit of drinkin And another piece of you Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Alcohaulin' Alcohaulin' You drove me to it So there was nothing i could do You pushed me down Split me right in two Now i found the long hard road Carried the weight of you Boy oh boy god damn Only one thing left to do Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaul...in' ass [ www.azlyrics.com ]
Funny Thing
Funny
Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the hell's he gonna cum? Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag!
Funny Shit! This Is Why I Love The Internet!
CyberMaster: Hello, sub_lime. What do you look like? sub_lime: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? CyberMaster: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Ohh and I have one of those stick things. A crop, I think. sub_lime: I'm feeling very submissive. I want you. Would you like to screw me? CyberMaster: OK sub_lime: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. I get on my knees for you. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. CyberMaster: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. I dropped my stick er..crop. sub_lime: I'm pul
Funny, But True
i was asked in the shoutbox to enter a best tummy/abs contest, i hate contests so i linked her to a pic as a joke, now that pic is in the contest,lmfao ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ best abs/tummy on fubar contest starts monday the 13th till thursday the 16th itll be around noon time est for the start and around 10pm est for the end Bombing is ok comment = 1pt rate = 2pts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ anybody that knows me knows i dont usually care about contest but... it would be funny if my pic won this one,lmfao soooo.... if ur bored go rate n comment thanks ~NNC~ *have an awesome day!!!* im not sure who wrote this, i copyed it from a friend n im pretty sure hes not the one who came up with it, but i thank him,its very important info every guy should know!! 95% of females can't cum from sex UNLESS we're on top...and we're on top why? Duh so we can stimulate our clit...by doin' our
Funny
Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories. Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile. Having nice sex burns 358 calories. Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories. Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal Take off her Bra With two hands..........................8 cal With one hand.........................12 cal With mouth.............................85 cal Put on Protection hard ........................... 6 cal soft..........................315 cal Foreplay Looking for target...................8 cal Finding G spot ......................92 cal I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal Entry Holding her..................12 cal On the floor.................8 cal With Differen
Funny Shit
They're here already! You're Ass Munching! You're Ass Munching! Which movie was this quote from? Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) (the word was 'next') I'm a goddamn marvel of modern Fucking. Get your own quotes: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/movie.phpmethod
Funny Quotes
Well this shows you who your true friends are when you need them they are never there for you you post bulletins to get their help and nothing they don't even open it up. Sheww this just fustrates me so much. But for the few that DID open the link and go rate my boys THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH. If you would like to look and help me out then I will post the links below... [ CherryTAP.com photo: 1507213742 ] & [ CherryTAP.com photo: 3889961556 ] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good se
Funny But An Odd Joke
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
Funny Stuff
Funnies
A guy goes to see his Doctor, because he's been a little too, well endowed, shall we say. In fact. It's 25 inches long. Can't get any woman to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the Doctor says there is nothing that he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks may be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (YIKES!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks-- let's try this again. "Will you marry me?" he asked the
Funny As Hell
I got this idea from Sweet Turtle, god bless her turtle heart :) Sing this to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy". I call it, "The little fubar guy" OK? In the key of "M"....mmmmmmmm Said the newbie to the Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? Read it on a bulletin, Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? The bling, the bling, that he gave to me, Was because my NSFW pics are free. Was because my NSFW pics are free. Said the Twisted Fu to the Barfly Do you see what I see? In an unmarked folder, Barfly Do you see what I see? Some bewbs! Some bewbs! Nice as I have seen! And she’s showing them off for some bling, And she’s showing them off for some bling. Said the Barfly, to the Fu-gee Did you read what I read? In some stupid mumm, Fu-gee. Did you read what I read? Fubucks, Fubucks, man this really sucks! She’ll open her NSFW for fubucks, She’ll open her NSFW for fubucks. Said the Fu-gee to the mighty Fuking Would you help me out some? While you’re ratin
Funnies
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal Democrat drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." -- Long Live Foamy the Squi
Funny Shit
Go to google Click maps Click get directions Go from New York to Paris, France Then scroll down to #23 ENJOY!
Funny
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn funny. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the d
Funny
Can you see what is wrong with each picture? If not you need to re-think driving. :} Please Conment bomb me for this contest!this is the link to your photo:
Funny As Hell
Funny Thing From The Posts?
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. 2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation. 3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up. 4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault. 5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it'
Funny
In Memoriam Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Doug
Funnies
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were l
Funny Stuff (or Not So Funny)
SOUTHERN BIRTH SIGNS: What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols: OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in thei
Funny Couple Stuff
Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my des
Funny
WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE? One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." < Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"
Funny Stuff I Found In Bulletins
Thought this was great,,gives me ideas,lol 16 things to do at wal mart 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where
Funny Stuff
Funny Hahaha!!!
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? W
Funny Stuff
Aquarius My favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don’t expect anything in return, you won’t be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under your skin though, so beware. It’s easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they don’t want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent, but you are in the room with them, chances are they are in heavy thought. But don’t worry, chances are they are thinking about you and fifteen other things. Water bearers look at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by simply walking in the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too much of themselves to others that don’t give a shit, then get shy to those that care about them.Go figure. They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it’s a learning experience. Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world.Female Aquarians can’t masturbate enough. Males never get the chance to masturbate because everybody wants a piece o
Funny
Funny Things !!!!!!
Clocks in Heaven! > >> > >>> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the > >>>Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, > >>>"What are all those clocks? > >>> > >>>St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a > >>>Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." > >>> > >>>"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" > >>> > >>>"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating > >>>that she never told a lie." > >>> > >>>"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" > >>> > >>>St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have > >>>moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life > >>> > >>>"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. > >>> > >>>"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling > >>>fan." Weight Loss Program For Men A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb
Funny Shit
roses r red, nuts r brown, skirts r up, pants r down, body 2 body, skin 2 skin, when its stiff, stick it in. send to 10 ppl and see if u get it back that means someone wants to F*** YOU. if i don't get this back i guess ur not my friend. if u have a lot of luv 4 someone.....copy and send to ur whole friend list and in 5 mins ur true love will call or im you. da sex train - if u get it ur cute... u get it twice ur a hottie...u get it 3 times ur sexy...4 times ur f***able Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!! Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories. Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile. Having nice sex burns 358 calories. Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories. Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal without........
Funnies
Hi all again, i've uploaded a load more funny pics if you fancy a giggle :o) Enjoy! (Looking forward to Dazzy's comments as usual)! LMAO Jeff :o) Hello all...! If you get some time and need a laugh come and take a look at the new pics i've added to my 'funnies' folder....hope you enjoy & have a giggle! Jeff :o)
Funny Stuff
Funny Photo Contest
Photo Contest: Alright Check This It Out My Friends - My Family There Are (18)# Photo’s Below Only One Of These Photo’s Is A Fake Aka A Phony-Bologna LoL ! Examine Each One –n- E-Mail Me Back With The One Right Answer If You Get It Right I’ll Send You An E-mail Conformation With The Right Answer… I’ll Than Send You A Cool Prize To Your Page Ok Good Luck Cause Your Going To Need It Enough Said Haa LoL.. 1. Little kitten Being Crushed Though The Sofa Help Me Meow. 2. A Man With Is Packing Large; Hey No Homo. 3. 80 Pound Red Lobster Out Of Water. 4. 6 Foot Giant Cat Fish Out Of Water. 5. Giant 36 Foot Python Snake Eats A Sheep that’s is Also Pregnant. 6. Giant 36 Foot Python Snake Has More Teeth Than A Great White Shark. 7. A Women Who Can Pleasure Herself. 8. A Man with a Giant House Cat. 9. A Giant 47 Foot Squid. 10. A Man With A Rare Medical Condition Disease That Has Effected Has Penis.
Funny
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." The next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma
Funny Sick Poem
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for yo
Funny Stuff
Funny!!!!!!
IF A MAN WANTS YOU If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got
Funny & Sweet Things!!!!!!!!
WHY GOD MADE MOMS Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of ? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wa
Funny
Funny
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obv iously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
Funniest Shit Ever Look For A Laugh Searous My First Blog No Bs
http://www.cherrytap.com/stashEntry.php?stashId=1568712 check the stash top see the funniest compulation video of cats doing dumb ass shit lol its great
Funny Stuff
Funny Stuff
Funny But True
I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother
Funny
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great riendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When
Funny Stuff
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims into various unwholesome activities. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.' In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered. For a video to see how beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Funny Stuff2
Man charged with battery after passing gas towards police officer Call it a case of assault with a smelly weapon. Police in West Virginia accuse Jose Cruz of passing gas -- then using his hand to fan it toward an officer. According to authorities, Cruz was pulled over in a traffic stop, smelled of booze and failed three field sobriety tests. He was hand-cuffed and taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. A criminal complaint charges that Cruz scooted his chair toward an officer, then lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly. " Cruz says police denied his request to use a bathroom. He now faces a number of charges, including drunken driving and battery on a police officer. http://www. kltv. com/global/story. asp?s=9073162 Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph. Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be I'
Funny Stuff
. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from ****ing and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me. 7. You **** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a****bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay
Funny Stuff
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the p
Funny Shit
A top 10 list about Eve 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
Funny Drama
I posted a new pic and am using it as my primary at the moment. The pic states "mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park" I thought that I might as well share the story with my friends on here as to why I chose this picture. Yes, I live in a trailer park. I live in a trailer. I do not live in a mobile home community. Thats a joke, its a trailer park.We have our share of trailer trash, however just because you live in a trailer does not make you trash. Me, all trailer no trash..... Anyway about a year and a half ago the trailer next door to me was up for sale, the neighbor on the other side of me has a daughter with two grown childern, she bought it and moved in. only one child lives with her and he at the time was 15 and is a bad child. seriously a demon child. Well, we had many many problems. their late night fights, music blasting at all hours. cars comeing and going all the time, (they were selling drugs). So, of course me and a few neighbors were trying to get them
A Funny Joke
Wal-Mart Greeter A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." And have a great day!
Funny, Haha!
Ohhh guess I have a messed up sence of humor. This video cracked me up! "the OMG part" is a tear jerker! LOL FartAdd to My Profile | More Videos STRIP CLUB 101 For those of you that might stop off at your localstripclub this weekend this is too damn funny. The small little things to know when you go to a stripclub from a pissed off dancer. 1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the f**king deed to Trump Towers... what the f**k do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a f**kin' dollar, put it down on the tip rail and blow my world away already. 2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...f** k you. 3) You with the tight - ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh? 4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me
Funny1
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" " Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden." "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's like
Funny
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O
Funny Names
1. YOUR SPY NAME: (middle name and current street name) - Brianne Chaparosa 2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy. - Nita Reese 3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name) - Let's go with JLa..my nickname in HS 4. YOUR GAMER TAG: (a favorite color, a favorite animal) - Green Giraffe 5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) - Brianne Albuquerque lol 6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) - Lam den rox 7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards) - Annej Neddafcm 8. PORN STAR NAME: (First pet's name, the street you grew up on) - Macy Dakota 9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your dad drives) - The Green Porsche 10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of the main
Funny Shit. Xd
READ FROM THE BOTTOM UP!!! I COPYED THIS OUT OF MY SHOUTBOX!!! lmaolmaosofunny. ->lamekos: No. lol, I'm just better than you. And it's obvious. Sadly, I've never admited to being better than anyone. But then again, It doesn't take much to be better than you. lamekos: ITS HURTFUL HUH?? lamekos: IS THAT WHAT UR MOM TOLD U ->lamekos: First off, I don't have children, second, If you were my child. I would kill myself for giving birth to such-a moron. lol. I mean, c'mon. My children would have more of a brain at the age of 3 than you do right now. lamekos: REMEMBER IM NOT 1 OF UR MANY DIRTBAG KIDS TRAMP ->lamekos: Now shoo, run along. ->lamekos: No, that's all you know to say. But, check it. You go brush up on your insulting, grammar and vocab. Get back to me, and we'll try this again. And maybe, just maybe you'll be sucessful in your attempt to insult without getting your ass handed to you. ;) lamekos: THATS ALL UR WORTH ->lamekos: Aww, a stupid bitch! Lol I l
Funny
virgo:THE VIRGIN Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCORPIO: The lover˘ľ Can be mean somtimes. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- LIBRA: The sex addict Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazi
Funny
funny This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you >skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly >all true!!!! > > > > ================================= > > > > Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? > > > > Female customer: A white one... > > > > =============== > > > > Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. > > > > Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? > > > > Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. > > > > Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. > > > > Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still >on my desk... sorry.... > > > > =============== > > > > Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the >screen. > > > > Customer: Your left or my left? > > > > =============== > > > > Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? > > > > Male customer: Hello... I can't print. > > > > Tech support
A Funny
I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog – and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked i
Funnies
LADIES - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares! LADIES - Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You're probably sitting on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway. And finally the most important tip.... LADIES! - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. REAL WOMEN - HUH!!!!!!!Leftover wine?? REAL WOMEN R HARD 2 FIND, N IMPOSSIBLE 2 FORGET
Funny
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Funny Contradictions!
1. why is phoenetic not spelled the way it sounds? 2. why are there interstate highways in hawaii? 3. why do planes have flotation devices under their seats and not parachutes? 4. if the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day/ 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 5. why are braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up atm? 6. why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 7. why is brasseire singular and panties plural? 8. why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?
Funny Stuff
Spider spider on the wall, What a stupid place to crawl, Didn’t you see it had just been plastered? Now your stuck you silly bastard. Little miss druggie, Sat in her buggy, Smoking an ounce of weed, Along came a spider and sat down beside her, And sold her a kilo of speed. Humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty dumpty spunked on the floor, All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, Bent the bitch over and fucked her again. I am a farmer who lives in a bog, I’m widely known for the size of my knob, It’s too big for women so none I can keep, But it’s just the right size for shagging my sheep. Little Jack Horner, Sat in a corner, Licking his girlfriend dry, He stuck in his tongue, And sucked out some cum, And said, “Fuck me that was better than pie.” Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle, To have a bit of fun, But Zippy got silly, Pulled out his Willy, And shoved it up Bungle’s bum. Sex is a temptation, Caused by a sensation, When a man puts his dictation, In a womanâ
Funny Bugs
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Funny Shit!!!
I took a giant step today, and it's kind of scary. I e-mailed 2 different guys about trying to get onto an open mike night comedy show. They are both supposed to be this Thursday, I have wanted to be a stand up (only I'd sit, cause I'm lazy) since I was in my single digits. Cut me some slack about the previous joke, I was in my single digits when I thought it up. I honestly don't know how I'll do. The last time I did anything like this is was to most of a Middle school and it started like this "Hi my name is Shane, and I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict…" in a bad Bill Shatner impersonation. Well, I started drinking again, and I'm doing more drugs than I could ever conceive of at that age. Grant it, it is mostly heart medication. But, hey drugs are drugs. That all I'm saying. Where was I, oh yeah, comedy and 2 open mike nights. The first one is incredibly structured complete with it's on rules and regulations. Don't misunderstand me, it still seems like a lot of fun. Most of
Funny Jokes I Have Found
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. >For >example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of >Acetaminophen. Aleve >is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is >also >called Ibuprofen. > > >The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful >consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that >it has >settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were >Mycoxafailin, >Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. > > >Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid >form, >and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as >a >mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff >one. >Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning >to the >names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashione
Funny's
A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful blond woman waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
Funny Stuff!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" L
Funny Stuff!
BATTLE OF THE SEXES CONTINUES 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression o
Funnys
teddy sent me this i had to share it will you all its so funny FEMALE "COMEBACKS" Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks! ----------------- Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Wom
Funny
>Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around >the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum >speed on the long corridors. > >Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other >residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. > >One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and >Kooky >Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. > >"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that >thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat >wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down >the hall. > >As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold >popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of >insurance?" > >Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to >him. >Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." > >As Ethel neared the final corr
Funny
1) "Under the Bleachers" by Semore Butts 2) "Trails in the Sand" by Dick Dragon 3) "Bushels of Berries" by Hairy Butts 4) "Mad dash to the Outhouse" by Willie Makit.. Iluistrated by Betty Dont 5) "Sliding down a pole" by Peter Burns 6) "Rusty Bedsprings" by I P Knightley 7) "Shit on the Wall" by Who Flung Poo 8) "Cellophane Bikini" by Seymour Hare 9) "The Yellow River" by I P Freely 10)"Tracks in the Sands, by Won Hung Wo 11)"The Crooked Santa" by Phil Mysak 12)"Brown Spots On The Wall" by Hoo Flung Poo... 13)"Shit on the Wall" by Who Flung Poo 14)"Sex on the Beach" by Sandy Shortz 15)"Why Cars Stop" by M.T. Tank 16)"Animal Illnesses" by Ann Thrax 17)"Unemployed" by Anita Job 18)"40 Yards To the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Betty Wont 19)"Ruptured chinaman" by Won Hung Wo *Does anyone know of anymore of these types of books? After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon
Funny Or Not Let Me Know
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the docto
Funny
the post office came out with a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris but it is not selling because only 3% of men know how to lick it right.
Funny Shit!
This was sent to my mom.. I laughed so hard I was crying..lmao A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you! Kinda brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it? WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
Funny Shit
Funny...but Not...;)
Have you ever really thought...what is love...? Could one find that special someone, their true love... It is so hard to believe people and have trust in them. I am a great example because i have been hurt so many times. I fell for people I thought cared about me, but what ended up happening was they were only playing with my heart to get me where it hurts the most. So yes my heart cant take no more heartbreak cuz it feels like i can die. I am teaching myself to guard my heart, and trying to show a friend to as well, because she has gotten hurt to. She has watched me fall head over heels for these guys and then get stabbed in the heart.. I dedicate this to tracys memories of me. We used to have great times working together... taking breaks, drinking coffee, laughing,playing a card game. Tracy you were always there for me. I just want this one memory of me to stay with you... well i want them all, but this one you can laugh at....ok wait all of them you can, cuz i always got you to la
Funnies!
How was everyone's holiday? Ours was interesting. Started off going out to Grapevine lake to see the big fireworks show out there with my Beazil's parents. My best friend, Becky and her son came along to watch. Beazil's parents decided to stay home last minute, but we still wanted to see the fireworks so we went on without them. On the way there, I started smelling something and said out loud, "Man, I hope that's the car in front of us. It smells like something is burning." Beazil replied in a tense voice, "It's anti-freeze. There's smoke coming out from under the hood." Of course, that had my alarm bells ringing and I jumped. "What?! Smoke?!" I hadn't been able to see it cuz it was only a little and it was blowing away on the drivers side as we went. I immediately looked at the temperature gauge and it was on H-O-T!!!! I freaked. I tried to tell Beazil that he had to stop the car now! EVERYONE knows that if the thermostat says it's hot and it's smoking..
Funny Stuff
Posted from a California Punk: CALIFORNIA: - I can wear sandals all year long - I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore" -Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well...Miami can hang. - I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often - I know what real cheese & avocados taste like -Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal -We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down. -I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's! -All the porn you watch is made here, cause we're better and thats how it is - I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear - I know 65 mph really means 100 - When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont fuck around on the road - The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border) - My
Funny
Funny Things
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to, "Please be gentle... I'm still a virgin". "What?" exclaimed the new groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband #3 was an automotive technician; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the engine running. "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, ..he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband #5 was a scientist; he understood the basic principle but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art procedure. "Husband #6 was an Administrator; he thought he
Funny
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIs that why so many of you are single????
Funny
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
Funny Stuff
keep honking I'm reloading just a little closer and I will flick a booger on your window shield
Funnies!
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
Funny Stuff
Subject: 25 signs you have grown up 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog/cat Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15
Funny
has anybody heard of or watched monty pythons flying circus i have its funny comedy i watch it on my tv or computer
Funny Stuff
ok yall...guess what? I am pregnant! 5 1/2 weeks wooooohoooo....feeling a little shitty with morning sickness but otherwise i am good :) Gemini You are a master flirt. You know just how to pick up hotties, but it is usually just a one night stand because you are out to have fun. You like sex to be fun. You are not afraid to spice it up with some sex toys, blindfolds and food. Your ideal partner would be open minded, and into having fun too. Sex matches: Libra, Aquarius Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com nicki will go to jail for ... Resisting arrest while having sex 'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com
Funny Stuff
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com" Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to r
Funny Games I Found
Play Games at AddictingGames Play Games at AddictingGames Play Games at AddictingGames
Funny Shit
19 Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate - Stick your palm up under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" - Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." - Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. - Say "Hmm, I've never seen that color before." - Drop a marble and say "Oh shit! My glass eye!" - Say "Damn, this water is cold. - Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a place 6 to 8 feet high. Sigh relaxingly. - Say "Now how did that get in there?" - Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus." - Fill up a large water bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling "Whoa! Easy boy!" - Say "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters." - Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Wh
Funny...
The Golden Years: I CAN NOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!! ( i found this in my gramma's kitchen) lol
Funny
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife &6 kids to support. Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico" Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a lar
Funny Videos
Funny, Take A Look
1991 xj6 sov. 117,000 miles looks,runs,and drives great forest green with tan leather all power and moon roof blue book on this sweet ride is 5,700.00 asking 4,500.00 or best offer. A real MUST SEE. This is a story about four people named everybody,somebody,anybody nobody. there was an important job to do,everybody was asked to do it, everybody was sure that somebody would do it. anybody would have done it but nobody did it, somebody got angry because it was everybody's job. everybody thought anybody would do it but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done. 5280 to go to level..
Funnny This Is
i just woke up its 9.37am 111/7/07 i think that world time should be the same and then we could allways be together as one time zones should not be god should not of done i6 that way ans yes if you dont know2 am a christaIN BUT HERRS ANOTHER THING I DONT G CHURCH AS I THINK WITH ALL THE POVERTY IN THE WORLD CHUCH SHOULD BE LIKE IT WAS IN THE BEGINNNING THERE CHUCH SHOULD BE ON THE WSTREETS OR ON A PIECE OF GRASSS AND IF IT RAINS THAN WE ALL WOULD BE WASHES WITH GODS HOLLY WSPIRIT AS I BELIVE RAIN IS HOLLY WATER AS IT WASHES THE DIRT OF THE STREETS AND GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND GET DRESSED BE BACK SHORTLY PLEASE RATE MY BLOGGS I NEED VOTES JOIN MY LOUNGE ASWELL LINK TO MY LOUNGE IN BLOGS ASWELL IN BLOGSS IS ONE WITH MY MSN AND YAHOO MESSENGER ADDRESS I HAV E CAM AND MIC DEREK GOD BLESS YOU ALL, WHEN I COME BACK AM WRITING SOME MORE GOT OF THE BLOGHGING B OOK GOD BLESS YOU ALL DEREK MRDJ2007
Funny Stuff {or Maybe Not?}
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
Funny Sh*t
NuttinButtSexxy
Funny News
Funny Stuff
New Power Mobility Scooter Prototype
Funny Things That Happen To Me And Friends
I just tried the online ordering at Pizza Hut. Everything went well, created my online account, found a coupon and placed my order. That was easy, but what I didn't know was that the store would call me to confirm my order. When I got the call I knew who it was because I have the # programmed into my cell phone and it came up on caller ID. I answered the phone "West Salem Pizza Hut, how may I help you?". Dead silence for about 5 seconds then the girl says "Sorry wrong number" and hangs up. Wanting my pizza I called Pizza Hut back. The guy that answered was laughing so hard I could hardly understand him. I told him who I was and confessed to my little prank. When my order got here the delivery guy smiles at me, says "That was a good one" and hands me my pizza with a free order of bread sticks, compliments of the Manager. LOL
Funny Quotes & Sayings
Good afternoon cyberspace! Just a collection of amusing quotes and sayings I've come across while surfing the web...hope you enjoy them! You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! -- Drew Carey I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -- Sting A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. -- Oliver Herford I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle. It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone! Do stairs go up or down? If Hooters were to become a door-to-door serv
Funny!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "
Funny How Life Is
why is it we play the games we play? why is it we always hurt the ones we care and love? why do they always hurt us? no matter what why does joy and happiness anyways turn to sadness? why does love turn to pain? I'll love you always. twunt goodbye. got to love this video
Funny
Warning: Beer contains female hormones. Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too
Funny
Funny Stuff
Funny Yet Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape
Funny
Test for Dementia (a.k.a. Alzheimer's-mental deterioration) Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Thir
Funny Jokes Lmfaolol..........
Murphy's Law of Sex 09-07-07.....3:31AM. Body: Murphy's Law of Sex Body: Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the sam
Funny Brain Teaser Eye Game Have Fun Cherrys Peace.........
Funny
I don,t understand it. Can anyone explain it to me. I mean I am hornier than the average guy. I just don't understand the foot fetish. With so many things to look,touch and play with why the feet. Little Tommy couldn't sleep at night. There was too much noise coming from Mommy and Daddy's room. One night he decided to see what all the noise was and opened his parents' door. It was dark and all he could see were shadows moving in the dark, so he went back to bed. The next morning he asked Mommy why she and Daddy were making so much noise and why she was jumping up and down on Daddy. Not knowing exactly how to answer his question, she decided to make something up to keep him happy. This is what she told him: "Daddy is getting fat and I have to jump up and down on his belly to make him skinny again." Little Tommy thought a minute about what Mommy had just said and replied very thoughtfully "that will never work Mommy, the neighbor lady comes over every morning after you go to
Funny
Funnies...
1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer. 2. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. 3. Thou shalt not project hairballs from the top of the refrigerator. 4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television as if thou art invisible. 5. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 3 A.M. 6. Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it. 7. Thou shalt not trip thy humans, even if they are walking too slowly. 8. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. 9. Thou shalt not jump on the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. 10. Thou shalt attempt to show remorse when being scolded. A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, Wh
Funnies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-4
Funny Facts
* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. * When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. * If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. * All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. * The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. * All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. * It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. * The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. * Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
Funny Shit!!!
Funny
Funnies
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry around your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." * 1-star hangover No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries. ** 2-star hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental c
Funny Shit
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED." 11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE" 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED PERSON." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - Sh
Funny Shit!
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it! This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try T
Funny Jokes
************************************************* (Big Sale Day) It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" ************************************************* (The Good of a Bad Relationship) Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
Funny True Story
In order for this to make ANY sense you have to understand I am a fabricator of sorts.I am too cheap to buy something I can build or make or if I am bored I will invent something interesting.I am known in my neighborhood for this.I am often heard saying if I cant fix it.it aint broke,or you dont really need it ...lol I had the lady a few houses down come over an ask me while I was tinkering about my garage if I could really fix anything.I replied yes pretty much .(see above quote) It was at this time I noticed her carrying a brown paper bag.She sheepishly handed me the bag ,I took the bag an hesitantly opened it.Inside the bag was one of hte biggest vibrators I have ever seen.She asked me if I would try an fix it.I was about 10 beers deep an said sure what the hell ,the kids were gone as was the wife.She smiled a smile about like some kid anticipating the arrival of Christmas an went on her way.I shrugged opened another cold beer an put the device on my bench an started to take i
Funny
Funny Shit!!!
I jacked this shit from CHAOS!!!! THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS and IF YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE I DON'T GIVE A 'FUCK' ITS FUNNY ANYWAY SO LAFF AT IT...LMAO!!! Fuck is such a versatile word... Greetings: How the fuck are you! Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer. Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Confusion: What the fuck...? Retaliation: Up your fucking ass! Denial: I didn't fucking do it. Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway? Suspicion: Who the fuck are you? Directions: Fuck off. Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty! Business: I hate this fucking job. Oedipal: Motherfucker. The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history: Where the fuck is all that water coming from? -Captain of the Titanic That's not a fucking real gun. -John Lennon Who's going to fucking know? -President Nixon Any fucking idiot could understand that. -Albert Einstein What the fuck was that? -Mayor of Hiroshima It fucking does "so" look like her. -Pi
Funny Stuff
POST THIS IF YOU AREN'T SCARED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE THINK OF YOU:  0 = EWWWWWWWWWWWW!?  1 = DEFINITELY NOT ATTRACTIVE.  2 = DECENT  3 = CUTE 4 = FINE AS HELL!  5 = I'D DO YOU!  6 = PRETTY DAMN SEXY!
Funny Poems And Sayings
She wanted embroidered on pants and her bra a message that told him that he'd gone too far. A motif that told him "If you can read this, You're much too close, so give it a miss." "Certainly Modom," the saleslady said. "In what kind of script would you like it read? Copperplate? San Serif? Bold wouldn't fail." She thought for a moment and then she said… "Braille." She bathed with roses red, And violets blue And all the sweetest flowers That in the forest grew.
Funny Song
If your looking for guy who's a bit of a slob well im him. with only one pair of jeans and a dead end job well im him, if your looking for a looser, drug and alcohol abuser,,, if your looking for guy that'll bring you down well im him. If your looking for a guy that'll promise the world well im him. and then leave you knocked up to go fuck other girls well im him, if your looking for a guy with a two foot bong that says alot of dumb shit and does every thing wrong if your looking for a pile of shit with a dick well im him! ill lay around your place, make you pay for every thing, and ill tell all the girls I meet im just your friend, if your looking for a guy that will tell you lies like he feels complete when he looks in your eyes if your looking for a guy who will ruin your life well im him! An old friend of mine wrote this have not talked to him in a very long time but found this and I always got a kick out of it thought every one else would! Why do we live only to die why
Funny
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Funny Shit!
Funny
GRAPHIC PHOTO! How Babies are Delivered. This is a really helpful photo for any of you who have kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, godchildren actually, for anyone who spends even a little time with young children. Eventually, you'll have to face the 'where do babies come from?' issue, and this picture is definitely worth a thousand words. But prepare yourself -- it's pretty explicit! You might want to look at it privately before sharing it with the children in your life. Don't delete, a must see! A Friend Is Like A
Funny Video Clip
http://www.glumbert.com/media/sizematter click on this its funny
Funny
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very n
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Funny Videos
OMG this is hilarious :D this is pretty cool for a bunch of lego men lol I have tears in my eyes through watching this, my type of silly humour lol :D
Funny Stuff
1. The guy you pass up for another one is always better, its a proven fact 90% of the time. And even if you dont talk to the one you pass up anymore, you will find yourself thinking about him, and realized that you possibly could be happier. And even if you dont talk, and it seems like he doesnt like you anymore, believe me, he thinks about you everynight if he loved you at one point. 2. Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try. 3. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone. 4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. 5. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he g
Funny
A man havin an affair for 4-5 years with the same woman gets some news. She says Im pregnant! Thinkin of his wife kids, and business he tells his mistress to go back home to her home country and when she has the baby send a post card and he will send money to support the baby.So as not to spill the beans he tells her to simply write spagetti on it. About nine monthes later the mans wife walks in and says honey u got the strangest postcard today.He says give it here and Ill explain later.She hands him the post card ,he reads it and faints. The post card read " spagetti spagetti spagetti spagetti, two with meatballs, two without..send extra sause
Funny
always do you see the positive always do you believe the best in people you are a fool things are never as it seems belive in fact not emotion a wise man said you will get hurt, and you will understand your actions make a change wearing your hear on your sleeve is asking for heart ach friendships come and go love may not last forever once a fool always a fool these are thoughts to remeber. The Sex Fairy This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ============= 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
Funny Jokes!!!
Honeymoon Sex A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after
Funny Things
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS......................... ...... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WA
Funny
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and he asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie. "Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard and pop up claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetry dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and th
Funny Stuff
Pre-Booty Call Agreement This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _______(DD/MM/YY) by ___________ (fill in name) and _____________ (fill in name (if known)). This agreement shall cover the following rules and principles: 1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening. 3. No calls before 9pm -- we don't have anything to talk about. 4. None of that "lovemaking" crap -- only sex allowed. 5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask. 6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup," unless you're from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement. 7. All gifts accepted -- including money. 8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged. 9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers
Funny Stuff
What is Butt Dust? What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE(age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six. "STEVEN(age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window. " BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was dr
Funny
funny email Current mood: amused Category: Friends this is funny... i just received this through another e-mail account of mine.... A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." ; "Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to r

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