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Funny Gross
REDBURN, VT—Next week, Thomas Holwell will be released from prison, having served a six-year sentence for disinterring and sexually assaulting 17 corpses. He will move back to Redburn—and the news is not sitting well with the town's substantial dead population. As a precautionary measure, the town morgue will fill the orifices of all John and Jane Does with concrete. "The people I've dealt with here seem really tense," said Henry Phelps, chief mortician at Redburn's Shady Grove Cemetery, the final resting place for many one-time residents of this sleepy New England community. "A lot of them were alive six years ago, when all that horrible stuff went on. I sense a nervous edge in them that goes way beyond rigor mortis." "Until now, when people died, they felt that their corpses would be safe because Holwell would always be behind bars," said John Cullums, owner of Cullums Family Funeral Home. "But they were wrong. Dead wrong." Shady Grove Cemetery officials have already hi
Funny Stuff.......
Found this on the 'net, and had to laugh like crazy. So many of these are true. Feel free to post a comment, or, add to the list. YOU MIGHT BE A SWINGER IF: 1. You see a really hot girl walking down the street and you say to yourself "I wonder if she'll do my wife!" 2. Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couple name on it. 3. You are running out of excuses to tell your baby-sitter why you come home at 4 am on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings and have a Freshly F'cked look. 4. Your closet is filled with 5" high heeled shoes and you have more lingerie than most department stores. 5. You close an email to your sister with Bi Bi. 6. You go to Jamaica once a year and "Hedo" means something to you. 7. You are running out of reasons to tell your "normal" friends why you can't go out with them. 8. At work, when someone tells of a risque‚ sexual adventure, most are shocked or stunned, and you say "Cool!" 9. All of
Funny Stuff
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several More tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too.
Funnies
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so. Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother." So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, he said, "There's trouble still. You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother." But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Funnygirl61
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. (Perhaps) If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So….. If you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit." Love and appreciate all the women in your life new page sucks, have to search to the end of page to post comment I've been on the same level for a few week already, would like some feedback an how to reach to the next level. stuck on fu-fighter, next one is twist-fu. I have tried everything to past this level and nothing is working, can anyone help me pls. I will thank u for ur help.
Funny As Hell
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under." Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear!!! Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.... But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch. Thought for the day: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
Funny Happenings
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-yea
Funny Shit
Funny Shit
Well Im fed up with people telling me how to Rate. I will rate you as I see fit. I am fed up with your fantasy. REALITY CHECKS FOR ALL!!!! If you need one your gonna get one. If you would like to be a Bringer of Truth let me KNOW I will be happy to have you, If you've been the target of unwanted hating let me know I Will bring forth the Truth.
Funny Stuff
Tyreal came home from school disappointed. 'I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff'. Mother: 'Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?' Tyreal: 'Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an 'F'. 1. HOTEL - My M omma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know. 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL . 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard. 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little. 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time. 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space. 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man s
Funny Joke
Did you hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of museli? He got dragged under by a strong currant! what do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with a family of rabbits living up his bum? Warren!
Funny Joke
Funny Stuff
Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 5 people to be tagged, listing their names . Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You're it!" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. 1. I have a phobia about touching food that someone else has bitten off of. 2. I can draw cartoons, people etc by looking at the pictures, but I cant for the life of me draw anything that requires imagination. 3. I lock my car doors even if my windows are rolled down. 4. I love frogs. 5. Kiwi and Oranges are my absolute favorite foods. 6. I enjoy cooking but loathe doing the dishes. 7. I am the annoying person who will fix a crooked picture frame on someones wall. 8. I can't ever remember where I park my car, whether on my own block or at a store. 9. I love promotional stuff, if its free, its for me. 10. I always write a shopping list so I
Funniest Jay Leno Interviews
Funniest Jay Leno Interviews
Funny Recipe
Kitty Litter Cake 1 spice or German chocolate cake mix 1 white cake mix 2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared (I like Bird's® dessert mix) 1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies green food coloring 12 small Tootsie Rolls® 1 new kitty litter pan 1 new plastic kitty litter pan liner 1 new pooper scooper halloween recipes Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble. Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored. When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Important: mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently. Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/
Funny Stuff
Funny
Colonoscopy ? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." ? "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated
Funny
A MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE WORKING IN THEIR GARDEN ONE DAY...AND THE MAN LOOKS OVER AT HIS WIFE AND SAYS: "YOUR BUTT IS GETTING REALLY BIG, I MEAN REALLY BIG. I BET YOUR BUTT IS BIGGER THAN THE BARBECUE." WITH THAT HE PROCEEDED TO GET A MEASURING TAPE AND MEASURE THE GRILL. AND...THEN HE WENT OVER TO WHERE HIS WIFE WAS WORKING AND MEASURED HIS WIFE'S BOTTOM. "YES, I WAS RIGHT, YOUR BUTT IS TWO INCHES WIDER THAN THE BARBECUE!!!" THE WOMAN CHOSE TO IGNORE HER HUSBAND. LATER THAT NIGHT IN BED, THE HUSBAND IS FEELING A LITTLE FRISKY. HE MAKES SOME ADVANCES TOWARDS HIS WIFE WHO COMPLETELY BRUSHES HIM OFF. "WHAT'S WRONG?" HE ASKS. SHE ANSWERS: "DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO FIRE UP THIS BIG-ASS GRILL FOR ONE LITTLE WEENIE???"
Funnies
Nine Words Women Use 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and wh
Funny Stuff
Try to think of 4 words that ruin sex ... and keep the chain going Shay - " Get off my daughter '' angel~ " eww whats that smell" Melissa ~ " I can't feel it" Reid ~ "Mom's next door, Dad." Timothy- "That's Not My Vagina." Brandy~~ Is it in yet??? nana ~~ i got a headache Danni~~ Shit the condom broke Tionna ~~ Bring me the tweezers! Brandy -- The kids are here! Angie - Oh no, not again! BRANDI-ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Linda- Forget to take my pill Rhonda- "My husband is back" Honey- "OMG, What a dog!" Jo- "Are you done yet?" Curmudgeon at Law - "Great, I'm stuck again." Chantal- "That's not the hole." Don- "My name isn't George" JeNiLu - "That all you got?" Mara- "Your brother is bigger"- never a good idea, trust me lol X-Stripper - "Ha Ha Ha Ha" Jackie" It is THAT small?" Paul~ "pick the scabs first" Kristen- "I don't feel a thing". (that's dedicated to the ex i never dated, Mike) Roderick- "I think I'm bored." Alex "Thats a wierd rash!" Sam "I'll finish mys
Funny Stuff
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !
Funny
Funny
Wow I havent been on this site in like forever! Since my last visit Ive gone to awesome concerts switched jobs 4 times Met some great people Got another tat cherries on my hip. Partied like a rockstar made hella money! Got sexier got some awesome looking school girl coach glasses. Tried lots of food Ive never had before like crab and slurpee Gambled alot learned a lot of life lessons and jus kept it south burb gangsta gutter as i wanna be cause im a m to uckin scorpio for life. I am the wild chery. Last night and today i drank with a monkey that had never drank before I took pictures to capture all the moments they are in my default album so for a great laugh ya might want to check them out If I have to be nice all day to strangers (customers) once Im off the clock I am no longer required to be nice to anyone so for anyone with a clue dont say anything stupid to unless its been at least an hour since ive been off work
Funnies
Funny Things Kids Say.. (middle School And Grade School)
This was repeated so many times last year I can never forget it.. Milk Milk Lemonade.. around the corner fudge is made. Don't bust my nuts.. they're tasty. I just said umm TMI. I really need to get home I can't be late or else I'll miss Golden girls (8th grade boy) LMAO Boy has he been getting teased about this one.. Hurry hurry you're gonna miss Golden Girls and he starts running.
Funny
IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORS, AND THE WORD WAS GOD AND ALL ELSE WAS DARKNESS AND VOID AND WITHOUT FORM. SO GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH. HE CREATED THE SUN AND THE MOON AND THE STAR, SO THAT THEIR LIGHT MIGHT PIERCE THE DARKNESS. AND THE EARTH, GOD DIVIDED BETWEEN THE LAND AND THE SEA, AND THESE HE FILLED WITH MANY ASSORTED CREATURES. AND FROM THE SLIME, IN A LAND CALLED LYMPSTONE, GOD MADE DARK, SALTY CREATURES THAT INHABITED THE SEASHORE. HE CALLED THEM (MARINES), HE DRESSED THEM ACCORDINGLY, IN BRIGHT COLORS SO THAT THEIR BETERS MAY MORE EASILY FIND THEM IN THE HOLES AND BURROWS THAT THEY SCOURED OUT OF THE GROUND. AND GOD SAID "WHILST AT THEIR APOINTED LABORS THEY WILL DEVOUR WORMS, MAGGOTS, C AND K RATIONS AND ALL CREATURES THAT CREEP AND CRAWL." THE FLIGHTY CREATURES OF THE AIR, HE CALLED THEM (AIRDALES), AND THESE HE CLOTHED IN UNIFORMS WHICH WERE RUFFLED, PERFUMED, AND PRETTY. HE GAVE THEM GREAT FLOATING CITIES WITH FLAT ROOFS IN WHICH TO LIVE, WHERE THEY GATH
Funny
There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana . The Montana Wage &Hour Dept. Claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the rancher. Sex Bully A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 5
A Funny Interview;;;;
Funny Little Blogs..
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up.. 7. Drive off. ******************************* AND I CAN JUST PICTURE THIS............................. :-) FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to c
Funny Thing Is
I am so tired of relationships. Why my boyfriend has to treat me like shit is beyond me. Everytime I turn around he is pissed off and taking it out on me. I am tired of being beat on physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel so alone. I can't really have friends and when I try to have one he moniters what I can and can't say. I give up. If this is what life is then why live it? I just don't get it!!! I have gone out of my way to help others with their contests and whatever else they needed but when I needed help while I was in a contest I didn't get any help from my friends. Why is that? I posted several bullitins and a couple of blogs but everyone was to busy to either read them and just did not want to take time out of their busy schedule to help me out? I am not harping but a little frustrated about it. You want help but when someone else wants help in return they can screw themselves right? I give up.. I am in one more contest but I think that will be the last.. So sorry to ask
Funny Stuff
so farmer john calls the local sheriff and says sheriff you gotta do something about these speeders they are killing my chickens so sheriff syas ok ad gets the towns folk to put up a sign drive slow school crossing well the ext day farmer john calls the sheriff hey man it is not working so the sheriff tried again this time he put out the sign slow down children out to play well the next day farmer john calls the sheriff and says sheriff this is not working either can i build my own sign sheriff says ok so three days later sheriff calls farmer john says how is the sign working he says just fine nobody has killed a chicken in three days so the sheriff thiinks for a bit then the shriff goes and sees this sign thinking it might work in town the sign read nudeist colony slow down and look for chicks
Funnies
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice." A rich North Carolina man had a party and invited all his neighbors, including Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating and flirting with all the women. The host said, "I have a 10-foot long man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Finally, Leroy slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbeli
Funny Stuff
By the time you read through this YOU WILL > UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS... > > > > In order to continue getting-by in America (our > home land), we all need = to > learn the NEW English language! Practice by > reading the following = > conversation until you are able to understand > the term = "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". > > > > With a little patience, you'll be able to fit > right in with the growing > trend!!! > > > > Now, here goes... > > > > The following is a telephone exchange between a > hotel guest and > > Room-service: > > > > Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." > > > > Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed > room-service." > > > > RS: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to > oddor sunteen???" > > > > G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and > eggs." > > > > RS: "Ow July den?" > > > > G: ".....What??" > > > > RS: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?" > > > > G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... > Scrambled, ple
Funny
Funny
Funny Things
STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!) Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two "Triple-A batteries" in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to e
Funny Stuff
imikimi - Customize Your World In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen..Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amocicillin. And Advil is also called Ibuprofin. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of..Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were...Mycoxafailin...Mydixadroopin..Dixafix..and of course...Ibepoken. Pfizer corp. announced today that viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviosly we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails". "highballs".and just good old fashioned soft drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction b
Funny
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better th
Funnys
CHILI COOK-OFFS NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud. INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. " Here are the scorecards from the event: __________
Funny Stuff!
This was taken from www.jokes.com. Looks like this really happened. Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story spacer This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his be
Funny Stuff
NO it is not fake. (Read below Video) A lyrebird's call is a rich mixture of its own song and any number of other sounds it has heard. The lyrebird's syrinx is the most complexly-muscled of the Passerines (songbirds), giving the lyrebird extraordinary ability, unmatched in vocal repertoire and mimicry. Lyrebirds render with great fidelity the individual songs of other birds and the chatter of flocks of birds, and also mimic other animals, human noises, machinery of all kinds, explosions and musical instruments. The lyrebird is capable of imitating almost any sound .. from a mill whistle to a cross-cut saw, and, not uncommonly, sounds as diverse as chainsaws, car engines and car alarms, fire alarms, rifle-shots, camera shutters, dogs barking and crying babies. Lyrebirds are shy birds and a constant stream of bird calls coming from one place is often the only way of identifying them and their presence. The female lyrebird is also an excellent mimic, but she is not heard as often as
Funnies
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
Funny
Did I like retard another to it send retard a like this reading time sweet your took you since. (Now, read it backwards) LOL
Funny Stuff
You know live in Orlando when. . . You know the meaning of OBT. You find yourself humming the jingle for Premier Adult Factory Outlet. You have to be over 90 years old to know what snow feels like, and have seen it in another state. Your air conditioning bill is higher than the annual budget for most small countries. You call Amway Arena the O-rena! You were born somewhere else, and have come to retire. You turn the heat on in your house when the temperature dips below 65. OBT is the first thing you think when you see a girl in a halter top and go-go boots. You know where six major motels are around your house. You know where Parramore Street is, and you go out of your way to avoid it. You buy a new sweater that will only be worn once a year. You know who Don Reed and Bob Dance are. Your social calendar revolves around football games. You know what Fashion Square, Altamonte Springs, Florida, Oviedo, and Seminole Towne have in common. And which
Funny!!
Female comebacks Here ya go, ladies...the comebacks you've always needed >Man: Where have you been all my life? >Woman: Hiding from you. >Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? >Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more >Man: Is this seat empty? >Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down >Man: Your place or mine? >Woman: Both...You go to yours, and I'll go to mine >Man: So, what do you do for a living? >Woman: I'm a female impersonater >Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? >Woman: Do not enter. >Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? >Woman: Unfertilized >Man: Your body is like a temple >Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. >man: I would go to the end of the world for you >Woman: But would you stay there? >Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy >Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. >Man: If I could rearrange the a
Funny Things
As you can see below, i was rated lots of one's today by a guy that clearly has no self esteem. went to the mumms to see what was going on and came across his, he was bashing ppl of fubar for thier morphs, dirty pics, and other things, so ofcourse i commented on it, lol i should have known better. I just made a very common sense observation that if didnt want to come aross any of the things in his mumms that he should leave fubar. well he shouted at me in the shout box with "ok spanky", well ofcourse not totally knowing what he was talking about i asked him if that was supposed to be a dirogitory comment at me..he proceead and continue to show my big boobs cause that was all i had, and in response to the comment i left on his mumm he retaleated with " and here comes the big boob fatty" which i thought was pretty funny, well he then came to my page and rated these pics 1's until i blocked him. just wanted to let all of my friends know to be on the look out for this guy if he hits ur pag
Funny Stuff!
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help & please support the US. Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himse
Funnies
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks. "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School" He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, Picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.
Funny Stuff
- THE BASICS 2 - Name Hope Ashlee 3 - Gender Female 4 - Age 18 5 - Screen Name Gurltwista04@yahoo.com 6 - Birthday August 16, 1988 7 - Race Mixed 8 - School/Grade College Sophmore 9 - Job School 10 - Status Taken 11 - Hometown Springfield, Oregon 12 - Current Town Lewiston, Idaho 13 - Parents Still Together Yes.. 22 years 14 - Siblings 1 younger brother 15 - Pets Dog= Abby 16 - Smoker nope 17 - Drinker yes 18 - Virgin NOPE 19 - Orientation Straight 20 - Drugs Nope 21 - APPEARANCE 22 - Hair Color Dark Brown 23 - Is it Dyed? Yes 24 - Eye color Bright Green 25 - Height 6'0 26 - Style hummm 27 - Glasses/Contacts/None? Nope 28 - Freckles Yes 29 - Body Type Pear Shaped 30 - Shoe Size 9.5- 10 31 - Piercings 8 32 - Want More? Nope 33 - Tatoos? Nope 34 - Want More? yes, I want some.. not alot=trashy 35 - Braces? Yep.. had them 36 - Overall Best Feature? Eyes/Lips 37 - Overall Worst Feature? Ears 38 - Do you get most of
Funny Names
Pimp my Testicles Yankee Doodle My Poodle Thou Shall Not Cum Punani Tastes Good Seargant Cock Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Cum In My Tummy! 20,000 Legs Under The Sea 28 Gays Later 8 Mile Cock Official Porn Names: A Clockwork Orgy A Few Hard Men A Horse’s Tail A Tale Of Two Titties Abs Of Cum - Abs have cum? Alice In Penisland Ally McFeel Apollo 69 Ass Ventura: Smut Detective Assablanca Babewatch Backseat Confidential Barbara's Bush Battlestar Orgasmica Beauty & The Bitch Beaver & Buttface Beetle’s Juice Beverly Hills 9021-Ho! Beverly Hills Cock – I’m sure Beverly Hills has more than just one! Bi-Curious George Bi-Dazzled Big Trouble In Little Vagina Black Cock Down Boldfinger Bone Alone Booty & The Beast Bruce Allmeaty Butch Lesbian & The Lapdance Kid Charlie's Anals City Of Anals Cliff Banger Cockodile Dun-me Confessions Of A Candystriper Coo-Coo For Coco Cocks Cool Bummings Crocodile Blondee Cum & Cummer Cumming To America
Funny
Funny Stuff-mostly Seen Someplace Else And Stolen
Cubans are Cubans St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you." We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. My flute is missing, mojo sauce is all over the place, they are making guayaberas from their robes, they have domino tables set up in the cafeteria, and they're wearing baseball caps instead of halos." "They refuse to stop making Cuban coffee and doing BBQs on heaven's stairs and some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Cubans are Cubans, Peter. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, ask the Devil." Peter calls - the Devil answers the phone "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returns to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Peter replies "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil again says "Hold on, Hold on........" The Devil comes back to the phone .
Funny Stuff?
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, A gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old ma
Funny Stuff
There were three sisters, Molly, Polly and Fanny. They all went clubbing. Only thing was they all had really big feet. This guy started dancing with Polly and said “Wow you have big feet”. So Polly said “If you think my feet are big you should see our fanny’s!” i have a female friend who hasn`t been shy in letting me know that she likes men aswell as women. what is making me wonder is that she has told me she wants me and now today i have found out that she has sort of started getting the same stuff as me (clothes,cd`s,stuff for work)scary thing is she has now also started copying sex acts i have told her i have tried and she keeps asking me for more and more details. should i be scared or what??? D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
Funny Nip Slips Videos
Yoga MomPosted Feb 07, 2006A mom doing some yoga exercises is in for surprise when her toddler crawls by.
Funny
A new enlistee had to have his long hair and sideburns cut. As he sat down in the barber chair, the barber asked, to his surprise, if he'd like to keep his sideburns. "Oh, yes!" he said gratefully. Whereupon the barber cut off the sideburns and said, "Here — catch!" One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. 'Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night, the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I. ' The UPS man thinks a moment a
Funny
Body: ~*SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR EMAILS*~ I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day Thanks to you, I have learned that my pr
Funnies
Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 15 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 10 people to be tagged, listing their names . Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You're it!" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. 1. I would do anything for my friends and family that I am capable of. 2. I hate my job. 3. I HATE it when people lie/steal from me. 4. I HATE it when people tell me they'll be there for me and never are. 5. I HATE it when people play with my feelings wether it be guys or my female friends. 6. I love FuBar!. 7. I want to see Fubar my girly friends. 8. I want to be an Vet. 9. I think my body is ok. 10. I tried to kill myself when I was 16. 11. I lost the love of my life(RIP). 12. I don't speak to my parents. 13. I want to have another baby. 14. I believe in ghost. 15. I want to marry a man. I am
Funnies
CLICK THE PICTURE TO GO TO THE LOUNGE PLease re-post this to your friends THANX!! See you in the lounge. I'm there now with about 20 other short busers. So come check out Joker DJ'ing and one of the most active, funniest and FU'ed lounge on Fubar Big Boobies Is ALL ALONE in there right now! HELP! THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, And tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself
Funny Statements
These Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the country: "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through" "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Funny
I remember a time when all my tears were over grazed knees and mummy and daddy were all i had the please when boys were grose and i was happy with being just pals no front teeth, and cute piggy tails back when mummy's word was god when bed time was set all the memorys of childhood and the friends i wont forget when life was easy and we spoke about it all when the hardest thing was homework and the wake up call for school parties were for cake and the mummies time to chat i could handle all the grazed knees if i could go back to that
Funny Shit
Funny Ass Shit
Funn
Funny
A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." The Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste
Funny Story!
Funny But True News
ANGLETON, Texas, Oct. 3, 2007 (AP) Negligent homicide charges have been dropped against a former Lake Jackson woman who had been accused of killing her husband with a sherry enema that led to alcohol poisoning. Court records show the charge against Tammy Jean Warner, 45, of Texas City, was dismissed Aug. 31 because of insufficient evidence, the Houston Chronicle reported in its online edition Wednesday. Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas. Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk. The Associated Press Oct. 1, 2007 01:07 PM NEW YORK - After years of painful soul searching, Rhiannon O'Donnabhain - a former construction engineer from a devout Irish Catholic family in Boston - decided to surgically change his sex to female in 2001
Funny!!
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS-SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER." SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL. YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER." BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY." The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad
Funny Shit
Funny Sh*t
okay so a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*! Just Being A Woman Being a woman take
Funny Shyt!
Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up a
Funny
just wanted some feedback on this. why do people put down there status as call me??
Funny
radio station pranking the guys wife, she flips out. listen till the end! lol
Funny Videos
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=21098453 This is one of my favorites by Michael Martin Murphey ok, here's the deal, you get to ask me six questions, as naughty and daring as you can think up. Send to me, and I'll answer them truthfully. Repost this, and you'll be surprised about what people want to know about you... 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. http://www.jibjab.com/starring_you/receipt/1167974
Funny Stuff
FACTS TO PONDER: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000 (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000 (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. Now think about this: Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188 Statistics courtesy of the FBI So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the
Funny Story
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short... I bought the device and brought it home, loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with just 2 AAA batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my ca
Funny Funny Funny
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a ! not-so- audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade; with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to t he last stall: 'Mommy, areou gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet
Funny
Its funny how hello is always accompanied with good-bye Its funny how remembering good memories can make you cry Its funny how forever never seems to really last Its funny how much you'd lose, if you forgot your past Its funny how friends, can just leave you when you're down Its funny how when you need someone they’re never around Its funny how people can change and think they’re so much better Its funny how many lies can be packed into one love letter Its funny how people can forgive even though they can’t forget Its funny how one night can contain so much regret Its funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be but the funniest part of all, is that none of this seems funny to me
Funny Poems
They gather in the full moons light On lonely roads at dead of night With shinning eyes that pierce the mists They prey on passing motorists Sure footed over rock and crag A victim fresh to feast they drag And all that’s left when feedings through Is a baseball cap and a training shoe No wolf or hound will prowl the moors And ghosts and ghouls stay home indoors So when shrill screams disturb your sleep Beware the Cumberland killer sheep
Funny
Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants " After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Conver
Funny Ass Shit
THIS SHIT CRACK ME THE FUCK UP! CHECK IT OUT! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750777
Funny Sh*t
Funny And Irony
Both his sis and our sis-in-law (his bro. wife hehe) decided, rather our nephews did i guess lol, to be born on the same day 2 years ago. They were 2 weeks apart in their preg. though. Now the irony of it was the wieghts or our children where the weights of our nephews with the oz.(or lbs. same difference) switched. Here's what I mean. Our son weighed 8 lbs. 2 oz. and our daughter weighed 6 lbs. 11 oz. when they were born. Well, our one nephew was born at 8 lbs. 11 oz. and our other nephew 6 lbs. 2 oz. Now how's that for irony. OH and his sister (whose been like a sister to me) had her son at the EXACT time I had our son. LMAO wow talk about a clost nit family. Here's more to add to it. They are BOTH prego again and I truly believe it's gonna be girls this time. Well, one already knows it's a girl the other is just now prego so they won't be having these at the same time but prego together again. I swear these two can't do anything apart. lol
Funny
Funny Vids
Funny Stuff
The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tyred. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good
Funny Things
This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify. > > > > > > The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you > > whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each > > answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down > > UNTIL you have answered the question! > > > > > > > > > > > > 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and > > close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple > > things in an overly complicated way. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
Funny Pics
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Funny Chit Lol
Your Ideal Sex Position is...Sideways Deep. Hard. Submissive.This position is very intense.But afterwards you won't be very tense. 'What is your Ideal Sex Position?'at QuizUniverse.com MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH!!IT'S AMAZING!! FIRST EVER TO GET NEW ANTI-LOVE SHOT!!JADE SAYS SHE'LL NEVER GO BACK! A Beverly Hills woman, 40 year old Jade (last name not provided), is the first American to receive a new vaccine developed by Whittier Labs, a Florida research facility. Dubbed "the Marriage Vaccine", Whittier Labs is quick to point out that the breakthrough, whose chemical trade name is "nyetsx4moi", is not really a vaccine at all, but rather a chemical which, when injected intramuscularly, inhibits a person's interest in the opposite sex. "What nyetsx4moi actually does," says company spokesperson Deborah Viccors, "is totally negate the body's automatic responses to the opposite sex. Men can take it, and so can women. In effect, it makes the opposite sex virtually invisible
Funny Stuff
Prove to me that i dont do this for nothing I help MANY of you with your stuff, PLEASE help me with PebblesInAZ's Fubucks givaway Dont forget to add fan rate her too Attention Tattoo Artists/Shops, Piercers, Artists, Bands, & Musicians!! Hey. My name is Rockstar. I am CEO/President of Girlz of Modified and Modified Management . Just want to let you all know what we are about. Girlz of Modified is an all female street promotional team. Our girlz live all over the united states and Canda. We offer promotions such as flyers, internet and radio promo, merch, etc. We also have a model for hire which means the Girlz of Modified are availale for photo shoots for cd covers and flyers. Modified Management is a management and booking company. We will set up press kits, live performances, and help establish a professional images for bands. We are currently looking for a few bands,Tattoo shops, Artists,and piercers to work with. For promotion all bands,Tatt
Funny Stuff
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~~ each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without
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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... He knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we
Funny Schtuff
Midgets. Gotta love 'em! Most people don't agree with me when I say that midgets would make good pets. Actually, they tend to look at me like I'm a freakin' psycho! They just don't get it. A well trained pet that could perform better "tricks" than most other pets. Here we go. Midgets: Why They Would Make Good Pets 1. Already house trained. 2. They can clean up after themselves. 3. They can hold down the fort while you leave on vacation. 4. They can refill their own water dish. 5. They're midgets... and your pet. How cool is that!? 6. You can make a joke that your pet is a mini-you... and it causes good Mike Myers flashbacks. 7. You can make them do the housework. 8. Don't feel like cooking? Chef Stubby to the rescue! 9. You can dress them in costumes and have them wrestle other midgets. 10. If you find a good quality helmet, you can throw them! Midgets: Why They Would Not Make Good Pets 1. If you tell them to clean up after themselves,
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FOR MY BABY IM SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT YOUWONDERING IF YOUR DOING THE SAMEI SEE YOU EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYESI SEE YOU WHEN IM AWAKEI CANT GET YOU OFF MY MIND I LOVE YOU SO MUCHYOUR MY EVERYTHINGI HAVE ONE THING I NEED TO KNOWDO I MAKE YOU HAPPYLIKE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME HAPPY GOD I HAVE BEEN FLOATING ON CLOUD 9KNOWING THAT YOUR MY WIFE If You Have No Tunes Click Here Close That Tab And Refesh My face blazes red. He holds me tight. A smile spreads across my face. He places a kiss at the base of my neck. I intertwine my fingers in his hair. I press myself closer to him. Then he kisses me roughly and bites my bottom lip. I tug at his shirt while he tugs at my shorts. I place kisses upon his bare chest. He runs his hands up my thighs. Still, we hold each other closer. This love we share is strong. This love we have is beautiful. This love we know is amazing. This love.
Funny Stories Of My Life
About 6 months ago, my G.daughter, Alexandra, came home from work and we were eating dinner. Suddenly she asked me if I had ever heard of Parrots attacking ships out at sea. Duhhhhhhhh! I sat there and said....WHAT???????????????????????? Then she told me that a girl at work was telling her about her mother being on a cruise and was worried about parrots attacking her ship. hahahahahah. I sat there just starring at her. "ummmm parrots honey?????????" "yes, Grandpa! I saw that movie about the birds attacking people but never heard of parrots attacking people. I didn't know that they could fly that far out to sea to attack people on a ship." hahahahah I sat there, and finally said..."honey... are you sure she didn't say PIRATES????????????????" I then told her that they are having a big problem with PIRATES attacking ships off the west coast of Africa near Samolia and Nigeria. hahahahaha She sat there and looked at me and said....."OH SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought she said
Funny Pics
Glitter Maker Funny Saying Graphics Glitter Maker Funny Saying Graphics
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The Lucky Charms® Test An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: Pink Hearts Yellow Moons Orange Stars Green Clovers Blue Diamonds Purple Horseshoes Cereal Shapes Lucky Charms® is a registered trademark of General Mills, Inc. and is © copyright 1996 by General Mills, Inc. All of the shapes and characters are also property of General Mills, Inc. The information provided on this page and the pages linked to this one exists solely as a parody and is in no way connected to General Mills. FEEDINGTHEDESIRE Pink Hearts If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form cohere
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Funny Shit
Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life." 1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7) 3. Oysters' balls are called pearls! (James age 6) 4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. ( Billy age 8) 7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Mi
Funny Football Blogs!!!
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NAUGHTY APPLiCATiON" ***Best one will get a reply*** 1. Your Name: 2. Age: 3. Favorite position (s)? 4. Do you think I'm hot? 5. Would you have sex with me? 6. lights on or off? 7. Would you have to be drunk? 8. Would you take a shower with me? 9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me? 10. Would you leave after or stay the night? 11. Do you like cuddling afterwards? 12. Condom or skin? 13. Do you give Oral pleasures? 14. Do you like to receive Oral Pleasures? 15. Have sex on the first date? 16. Would you kiss me during sex? 17. Do you think I would be good in bed? 18. Threesome? 20. How many times would you like to cum? 21. Would you use me as a booty call? 21. Can I use you as a booty call? 22. Do you like foreplay? 23. What is foreplay to you? 24. Can we take pictures of the act? 25. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Email your answers..... SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SEND THiS BACK T
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A man cooks a deer but doesn't tell the kids what it is.. So he gives a clue.. It's what ur mother calls me! The son yells "Don't eat it.. It's a f*ckin Dick" !!!!
Funny's
LIZARD BIRTHING If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. " But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduc
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I took this from http://www.fubar.com/user/852813. This may all be true, but you can ask my husband, I'm not this type of women. LOL _________________________________________ THE Man Rules������������������� At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work
Funny Stuff
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born A Death Certificate shows that we died Pictures show that we lived! . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly. ----------------------------------------------------- I believe -. . . That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I b
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Funny
A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The Pagan asks, "Where am I?" Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven." The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven." Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?" "Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland." Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling." "What should I do now?" Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left." The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"
Funny Stuff
OK ALL THIS IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO BE A PART OF BUT I THOUGHT ALL WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF IT. I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE DOORNOB FAMILY... NUMBER 1 DOORNOB IS... Hitman6 FOUNDER & PRESIDENT OF THE ~GIT-R-DONE REBEL FAMILY~@ fubar NUMBER 2 DOORNOB IS... ♥Äïmêê♥™ CO VICE PRESIDENT & HEAD OFFICER OF ~THE GIT-R-DONE REBEL FAMILY BOMBSQUAD~@ fubar NUMBER 3 DOORNOB IS... ~TWEETYJINXIN~~SECRETARY OF THE ~GIT-R-DONE REBEL FAMILY~RL WIFEY OF HITMAN6@ fubar NUMBER 4 DOORNOB IS... Gothic Rose WRR Army@ fubar AND TO INTRODUCE THE NEWEST DOORNOB NUMBER 5... angellegs6900~GIT-R-DONE REBEL FAMILY~@ fubar
Funny Fuckin Shit
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart so they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more th
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Funny Sex Poem
A Funny Name
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then why does my name spark reaction? It's a common name, Though not for commoners. It is a name for kings and great men. It is a name of respect. Why then, do people laugh? The name itself means "to be honored." Why should that be funny? Is it because a month holds the same name? And if so, that's hardly my fault. Why should I be troubled? Maybe it's because, There are so many ways to say the name, Or a part of the name, And still have it mean the same thing. There's Augie, Gus, Augustus. . . It seems like there's more than that. . . I've been called so many things. . . But maybe there's a good side to this too. Maybe I can get away with all the things I do, Because of my name. "That's August, he's crazy, You can tell just by listening to his name." Now I admit that I march to the beat of a different drummer, And I admit that I have done, And still do, some crazy things now and then. . . But I
Funny Sh*t
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does i t affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thi
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1. What's so good about the person you like? hes sweet and caring and treats me right 2. So, where's your dad? taft 3. Do you drive yet? been driving 4. How do you feel about racism? not me 6. Who was the last person you talked to on MSN or AIM? dani 7. It's Friday night, what are you doing? goin to be at danis 8. Name a song that reminds you of old memories? photograph by nickleback 9. Do you like the color grey? no 10. Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about? yes but i love the feeling i get 11. How's the weather? its raining and i love it 14. Last time you didn't tell the truth? that would be high school 15. Name something great that happened today... i got me a gift card to red robin lol 16. Do you regret doing something today? nope didnt do anythin but work 17. What would you like to tell your ex? alot of things. but its best that we dont talk 18. When you think of the rainbow, what color pops in your head?
Funny Joke
Chinese Love naughty jokes? Click here to joint this group A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try sumting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a very puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Funny
A man breaks into a house to look for money and food. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the man gets on top of her, kisses her neck then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is a nut case. Look at his clothes and his crazy eyes! He probably escaped from an insane asylum and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you." His wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey I love you, too."
A Funny Story
Here is a funny story about that something that happened to me as a kid. When I was 18 I had a few friends that I used to party with. One day we decided to drink some beers and we had 1 dude with a fake ID that could get served in any liquor store. There were stores in-town we could go to but they jacked up the prices and being a white boy you were taking your life in your hands. The problem was the guy with the ID was a super nerd, a real nice guy and a good friend but a forgetful dork. He was the kind of friend that you hung out with when all else failed, he was good for free beer and a place to throw a party. We used him and in return we made him popular and he got to hang out with the fine ass chicks I knew. So on this day we decided to have a small party but when we got to the store we learned that the Dude (I will call him JL) forgot his money. Now his parents were out of town and he lived in a nice neighborhood, as did I. his neighbors knew his parents were out of town and
Funny
The Funnies On Life
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ********** Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ********** For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ********** There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ********** Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car ********** An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ********** Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ********** I was in the express lane at the store q
Funny Info
Funny Stuff
Things Men Need to Know 1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. 3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts. 4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day. 7. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. 10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed. 11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubberneck
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little
Funny2
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ri
Funny 3
Born a Baptist Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bu
Funny Stuff
Things Only Southerners Know Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large
Funny...
9 THINGS WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine". 4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and har
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Funny Email
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS!
Funny 4
Funny 4
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Funny Stuuf Sent To Me By Friends!!
Driving Rules For Louisville, Kentucky 1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Loo-vull" 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has its own version of traffic rules.... the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.) 3. To find anything in Louisville it is required that you know where the "Old Sears Building" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. 4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. 6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", "Gene Snyder Freeway", "I-265", and "841" are all the same road. 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville. The barrels are moved around in the
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Funny Stuff
MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS > > A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular > Contractions" to his first year medical students. > > Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor > decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in > the front row and said, > > "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" > > She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." > > The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class. RED-NECK PICKUP LINES 1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away! 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only
Funny Video
Funny Stuff
I love christmas but this song was hillarious and My favorite word is FUCK, so had to add this on here.. OMG FUNNY SHIT You know you're from Kansas City when... ...you know that Kansas City is actually two cities in two states, and you make sure people know which one you're from. ... you know just how fierce the KU vs MU rivalry is; and that you'd best pick a side and stay loyal. ... you've given the following answers: "Yes, we have tornados." "No, I don't know Dorothy." "No, I've never met the Wizard and I've never been to Oz." ... you whined through the 90's about Marty ball and now wish he was back so the chiefs could just make the playoffs. ... you think that every year is the year the chiefs will win it all. ...you know the royals suck, but you refuse to let any Cardinals fan forget about the 1985 world series. ... you know the following numbers: 648-8888 and 321-2277 (and can sing the accompanying songs).
Funny Shit!!!!!!
Funny Shit!!!
Funny Lil Sex Poems I Get..
bite me,blow me suck me,fuck me very slowly if you kiss me dont be nasty use your toung to make it tasty.... roses are red Lemons are sour Open ur legs and give me an hour...... Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Father Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!......... Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply.......... Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream...... Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid........ roses are nice violets are fine. ill be the six if you be the nine......... roses are red violets are blue condoms will rip now watch you get screwed.....
Funny Lil Sex Poems I Get..
Funny Shit
Imagine if the Indians had killed a cat instead of a turkey.... we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving slave APPLICATION FORM (Females only please) slave’s name:> All slaves MUST fill in and answer the following questions, be very detailed. Location:> E-mail Address:> Ethnicity:> Age:> Date of Birth (MM/DD/YY)> Virgin:> Height:> Weight:> Neck:> Hair Color:> Eye Color:> Measurements:> Waist:> Hips:> Bust:> Cup Size:> Circumference of Breasts:> Left Breast:> Right Breast:> Nipple Size:> Nipple Color:> Pubic Hair:> Bra Size:> Panty Size:> When you have completed this application, email to master4hire ASAP! If there is anything further you wish to let me know about, please do so!! Girl In A T ShirtSee more like this on kontraband.com
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Funny, Fun, And Kinda Sad!
Unable to see what’s in front of me, Blinded by my own pride, Soaking at the bottom of the bottle, Drowning off of these pills I only smile ear to ear, When I just plainly don’t care, I only sneer, When I just plainly think of fear Useless, Unforgettable, Unforgiving, Meaningless, Nothingness These are the many things I fear of becoming, love me when you can, need me when you want, call me if you care I'm tired of seeing what isn't there, talking to all my friends whom seem to care more then you, I don't care anymore that you do or what I become this is me saying good bye, this is me saying so long, this is me telling you fair well I'M RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD THINKING OF THE THINGS I NEVER SAID IF LOVES MEANS LETTING GO BETTER FOR YOU TO KNOW I DIDN'T GIVE UP I FOUGHT AND I TRIED HELL I GAVE IT ANOTHER TRY HOLDING YOU TILL MY ARMS AND HANDS FELL ASLEEP BREATHING YOU IN AND DREAMING ALL THE SAME OH I WISH I LOVED YOU CAUSE HE
Funny Things I Notice.
Rules of OKLAHOMA 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.( my favorite) 2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I- 35 and I-44 can get your ass out of here. 4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. Yeah, we eat oklahoma pork chops & corn on the cob. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 8. The 'Opener' refers to the
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I lost a lot of time with you. I have not been here as long as you, and yet, I have pushed harder to see you then you have to see me. It's almost as if it would be better if you were never in my life... I don't understand you, and yet no one really understands me. I don't even understand me. I don't get how you can block out the pain you gave me, my sister, "our family". I don't understand how you can just come and go with no feelings at all. You always said I was like you, but I am nothing like you... I am me, Courtney... the girl that has turned into a women and has spread her wings, and stopped needing you a long time ago. Yet, time and time again you have made it clear that you need me, you need us, your just not man enough to say it still to this day. You tried to talk to me the other day... I tried to be kind, but it was so hard... Now I don't know what to do, I'm once again a girl with a broken heart and I can't help but me bitter like you. I lost a lot of time. A
Funny Stuff
This is too funny... Don't forget to post your "new" name below in a comment. 1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesy e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus i = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = hubble x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = butt
Funny
Funny News That's Sadly True!
Well, it appears SOMETHING seems to delay the mail. Just by 93 years or so. Not too bad huh? go Post Office! http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/14/long.lost.card.ap/index.html http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2007/11/ga-man-tries-de.html What more can I say? This guy needs to go back to first grade and learn some lessons on cut-and-paste, let alone about not lying, being a good boy, etc. http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/2007-11-27-DeadDonors_N.htm Yes, read the bottom. A woman dies, leaves all but $10,000 of her $1.7 million dollar estate to the Democratic Party... but that last $10,000 went to a man with a profession that's blue collar and butt revealing. Kudos to him. Now why she left the rest to POLITICIANS is the real question!
Funny Shit
On the first day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... One little ol' Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the second day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... 2mg of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway, 2mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... 4 in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital NOW, Three stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle, 2mg
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Funnies!
Marriage (Part I ) > >>牋?Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and > >after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: > >'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time > >I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. > >I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless > >I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. > >I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing > >when I want with my old buddies, and don't you > >give me a hard time about it. > >Those are my rules. Any comments?' > >His new bride said: > >'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex > >here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' > >(DARN SHE'S GOOD!) > >************ ********* ********* ********* ********* > >Marriage (Part II) > > > >Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding >anniversary! > >The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone > >that rea
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Funny Shit
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED * 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings ARE Disoriented * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me * 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... * 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Funny Stories
Ok...put your hand out in front of you and make the "thumbs up" signal. And then suddenly hide your thumb inside your fist. Do this a few times. You've just learned to sign the message, "My basketball coach has no thumb." How do I know this? Well my wife and I signed our son up for little league basketball. The other night we took our son, who is five years old, to his very first basketball practice. The first thing I did was introduce myself to his basketball coach. He stuck out his hand and as I looked down to shake it, I immediately noticed that the dude was missing his thumb on his right hand! No problem...I was cool. I went right ahead and shook it without missing a step just like any other right-thinking polite American would do. I supressed the urge within me to say, "Dude! WTF happened to your thumb?" Yes, I supressed the urge to say that. Instead I looked him square in the eye as I gave him a firm handshake and told him it was a pleasure to meet him. I asked a few
Funny Joke This Shit Is Funny
(girls don't read this if u don't have a sense of humor) This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. and funny so just go with it (Girls -- Have a sense of humor!) One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her
Funny Man
Funny Stuff
Old Marine Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay, " and walked away. The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at t
Funnies-something For Everyone With A Sense Of Humor
THOU SHALL / SHALL NOT 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the bi
The Funnest Night So Far!
Hey everyone that reads this I just want to tell Romeo-aka Kevin and Short Bus THANKS for the great time last night. I had so much fun hanging out with you both. To bad I had to work today or I am sure we could have made one hell of a night out of it. We are going to have to definitely do this again! If anyone wants to know what I am talking about..I invited all my Fubar Friends to Sharky's last night to my party...hmm well ok to my get together. The only 2 that showed was Kevin, and Short bus and thats because I picked them up..ok well Kevin brought his friend Terry. But he ended up heading out with some other friends. So I guess if you all read this and want to experience such a great time like we did last night then you will all come to my next party December the 7th at Traffic in downtown Springfield...karaoke night!!! Be there before 9pm to get a good seat and prepare to have a blast! Muwaahhhhhss I luv you both thanks again for the great time last night-OH AND IF YOUR A PERVE REA
Funny
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and
Funny Stuff
A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes ins
A Funny
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Funny Puppet
Funny Joke
Funny Stuff
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a qui ck-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed ano
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Funny Videos ( Nsfw )
Schweaty BallsAdd to My Profile | More Videos Do you think its funny? Click to Watch Video Click to Watch Video
Funny Little Thing
Heeyyyy I want you to leave me a gift under my Xmas tree right on my profile page .... :D wanna have some free gifts :D
Funny Poems I Heard
ONE FINE DAY, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, TWO DEAD SOLDIERS GOT UP TO FIGHT, BACK TO BACK THEY FACED EACH OTHER, DREW THEIR SWORDS AND SHOT EACH OTHER, AND IF YOU DON'T BLIEVE THE STORY IS TRUE, ASK THE BLIND MAN HE SAW IT TOO!!! THE ROAD WAS DARK, THE SKY WAS BLUE, AND ALONG THE ROAD A SHIT WAGON FLEW, IT HIT A BUMP, A SCREAM WAS HEARD, A MAN WAS KILLED BY A FLYING TURD. SICK I KNOW..LOL A man reads a book in a bed next to his wife & his finger went to tease his wife's pussy. Wife asks, "You want sex?" "No, just to wetting my finger to turn the page!"
Funny Stuff
You Might be a Hillbilly if… You’re twenty-five and still working on your MBA; You tattoo your children’s names on their arms with a needle charred over a candle flame; Your health insurance doesn’t cover pre-existing conditions; The last time you fought with your sister, you stabbed her; You clean your own pool; You pull your pregnant wife off the John Deere and punch her senseless whenever you have a 12-pack; The farthest you’ve been from home is Italy. And There’s No Doubt You’re a Hillbilly if… You think Ken Lay is innocent. You torture animals to impress your girlfriend. You allow your server to pour the wine before you taste it. You killed a classmate in kindergarten and another in grade school. You donated less than $10,000 to your alma mater last year. You can’t see a cross without reaching for your lighter. You do your own taxes. But You Might or Might Not be a Hillbilly if… You study for the
Funny Dum Shit
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he
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please watch.. this is funny http://fknblazed.com:80/movies/snow.htm
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HOW TO MAKE LOVE Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. 4 Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers. 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 Notes: 1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town. I can't decide..help me out here..unfortunately this mumm is brought to you by a seriously bored Doc If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it consider
Funny Christmas Stuff
Funny Stuff
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coca-Cola was originall
Funnys
DIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
Funny Chit....
this shit is hella funny... Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER I must send my
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Comment on this video! More videos at myYearbook Mouse
Funny!!
TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4.. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all.. 13.. "Could you write a
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Funny News!!!!
Every Hummer Owner Spontaneously Combusts In what atheists are calling "proof of God's existence," every owner of a Hummer spontaneously combusted yesterday. This tragedy is the latest in a string of several hundred related incidents in which Pontiac Aztek owners were mysteriously decapitated and owners of Honda Elements were fatally poisoned by an excess of fecal matter that eventually backed up into their bloodstreams. Decreed God, "They got what was coming to them." Although God had originally planned to merely set aside the ninth circle of Hell for the owners of these abhorrent vehicles, He recently came to the conclusion that a more Old Testament-like approach was necessary. Not to mention the ninth circle is already at capacity, what with all the condom users and seed-spillers. "What happened to the days when I used to smite people at the drop of a yarmulke?" asked God rhetorically. "I missed the old me. And the owners of Hummers were guilty of all kinds of sins:
Funny
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful well endowed 19 year old blond. She said "Santa, will you please stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you please stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you please stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"
Funny Stuff
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Funnies
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got Him at church." "And why did you take Him?" The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it." MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
Funny - About Me
Funny Crap
You Are Bold and Fearless You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are very charming... dangerously so.
Funny Stuff
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HEW WHATS UP EVERYONE. I ADDED SOME MUSIC VIDEOS AND A COUPLE FUNNY VIDEOS. THE FUNNYIST VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE IS IN THERE. CHECK OUT THE VIDEO DAD ONSTAGE. BE SURE TO STOP BY AND CHECK THEM OUT. PLEASE COMMENT AND GIVE ME A THUMBS UP. THANKS HAVE A GREAT EVENING AND A WONDERFULL HOLIDAY.
Funny But Clean Jokes
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I st
Funny Green People
Just wondering if anyone besides me been having new members coming by for a visit and rating you a 1 or trying to copy pix from your photo gallery? If you haven't yet here is your warning!
Funnies
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." __________________________ An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit aroun
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Funny Jokes
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What is! the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? ! Because it's worth it. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intenti
Funny Joke! Lmao!
So I called the suicide hotline tonight.. I got a call answering center in Pakistan... I told them that I was feeling suicidal... They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck. LMFAO!
Funnies
Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you... 1. I'll respond with something random about you. 2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of. 3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in. 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. (if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.) 5. I'll tell you my first memory of you. 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of. 7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you. 8. If you play, you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. ** (taken from jessa she's awesome)
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1. Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head. 2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny. 3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you. 4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years. 5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year! 6. Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy. 7. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts. 8. Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl. 9. Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that. 10. Take up s
Funny Shit
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
Funny Stuff
Thought this was funny and had to share..... 7 types of sex this is so damn true... The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen sex. This is when you have been with you partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (very popular) The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex.
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in all my trips "around the block" i HAVE payed attention and here to help some of ya young bucks are some pointers to help save ya ass 9 WORDS WOMEN USE , 1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
Funny Things
Lights on, door open, nobody at home. As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar. About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box. She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum. As tight as a Camels ass in a Sand-storm. She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher. I've seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard. I've seen better hands on a clock. As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day. She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo. She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel. She's as fit as a butchers dog. She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag. Uglier than a hatfull of assholes. This guy is all foam, no beer. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. I hear you're connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs... I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much. I
Funny
I bet we have all heard at least one of these lines in our lifetime!!! LOL I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELLDONE "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I' m going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught m
Funnies
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the lit
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "? A. Abo
Funny!
These are lyrics to a song that has really stuck to me and it's sad but it's how I feel sometimes. Cold As You By: Taylor Swift You have a way of coming easily to me. And when you take, you take the very best of me. So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin' And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted. (CHORUS) Oh, what a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you. You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray. And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away. And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you. (CHORUS) Oh, what a shame. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. So just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywh
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1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 10. Follow patrons of Borders/BarnesNNobles around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics(or any religious text). 11. Ask mall cops for stories of War/Cop stories 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally scream
Fun Night Out
just writing this blog cos i got asked to write ne, and only thing thats really happened is me getting a bottle smashed in my face lol, and then hit with a knuckle duster, (i won the fight though i think, as i didn't get knocked down at all, or even moved lol, and i almost sparked him out with one kick :D) but anyways, thats everything thats happened recently, :D xxx
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Funny Shyte
30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know: 1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are. 2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER. 3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too. 4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful. 5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around. 6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're dating you. 7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us. 8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more. 9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool. 10. We never shave our legs. So get over it. 11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............ 12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't. 13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us. 14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98
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Funny Shit Right Here......
Funny Joke
A man walks into a drug store to get tampns for his wife. He asks the clerk were they are, she tells him wich ile they are on. He looks around the store for a few minutes. When he gets to the rgister he has cotton balls and string. The clerk is curious and ask's " Weren't you looking for tampons". He said " I sent my wife to the store for smokes she came back with tabbaco and rolling papers. And said it is cheaper this way. So I figure if I have to roll my own to save money so does she".
Funny
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Funny Stuff
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attra
Funny Parents
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.... I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out o ree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He
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~funny Things To Do To Get Back At People
Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sex" Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nas
Funny Sh*t
Bentonville, Arkansas - Wal-Mart Corporation today announced that they are preparing to sell sex toys in select stores around the country. The mammoth retailer spent a full year on customer research and reached the conclusion that in select rural markets, where it’s stores are most popular, there is definitely a pent-up demand for sex toys among women. Starting with a rural Iowa location, Wal-Mart plans a pilot operation for this new sales effort over the summer. The new store-within-the-store, referred to as the “Home Pleasure” department, will feature vibrators and dildoes at reduced prices. The store reportedly will offer the wildly popular Martha Stewart “Prison” line of vibrators in addition to its regular offerings. According to Wal-Mart spokesman Edward Kennedy, “While we expect some risk in this venture, our research indicates that women in rural parts of the country have largely unfulfilled desires and needs for these items”. Kennedy additionally pointed to recent stud
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Funn Poems Some Nsfw
screams of sorrow fill the night unsure of myself against their might not knowing what comes with the sun for tomorrow i know i must stare down the gun there is a man i do not know that will push a button to make me glow nukes will fill the air that is death for whom i stare so ill ride my camel's hump and dread that last bump ill drop my guns and run away cause ur taxes i will not pay i set my property on fire because thats what Saddam would desire but u put out that flame and forced me to hide in shame so now i sit here looking at the walls of the cave wondering if i should come out and behave cause i know what awaits me in here to live a life with out any beer but if i face the sand spiders and come out there you will arrest me and il hve to suck on bubba's pear so to ala i pray please protect me from his spray
Funny Or Weird Images I Found This Week
Some you may remember that I used to do this funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I'm going to start doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each week in this blog. I don't have the time or interest to make this post inoffensive every week, so if you can't handle a joke, go back to Disney.com We'll kick off tis week's blog with "An Open Letter to Ann Coulter" from my favorite new person, Henry Rollins. Some you may remember that I used to do a funny/weird/interesting image blog once a week on my old Fubar profile. Well, I started doing it again. Basically, I spend way to much time on the internet, and I run across a lot of stuff that's funny, interesting, or just plain weird, and I'm going to post what I find from each we
Funnies
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?" "The drugs are wearing off," he replied. 1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress? 2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth? 3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed? 4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"? 5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit? 6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral w
Funny
sex is like nike just do it dick is like gaderaid is it in u pussy like wendys taste great even late this blog is like an std pass it.
Funny Sh*t
You know you've seen the folder... c'mon join the club. who wants to be in muh gangster fam-lee?? let me know if you wanna be a gangster too.. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bow
Funniest Shit In The World..
I'm out in the wonderful world of dating. I am at the stand point of really hating it. Every single I have been on a date with has promised the world in hopes of getting pussy in return. When I don't give it up, they run like Forest. Every single one I have come across is either mental or so desperate for sex they don't give two shits about anything else. They will pay for dinners and nights out on the town, or anything you please. They will throw on the charm and make you feel like a princess. Anything for the chance to get you into the sack. FUCK YOU! I know I'm sexy and I'm beautiful. I love sex, love love love sex... BUT that's not all I think about. I don't revolve my life around it. Yeah I'm bitching right now. Hell Yeah I am. I am sick and tired of going out on these lame ass dates with the expectations of sex. And I turn them down and they say "oh its okay, I want to take it slow" "I like you a lot" "Your worth the wait".... and.. then.... They never call again.
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Dear Sanda, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ________________________________________ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ________________________________________ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to
Funny Hillary Clinton
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Funny Q&a
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it. Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Funny George Bush Quotes
The media likes to make political leaders their scapegoat. News sells better when leaders entertain the masses with their klutziness or foot-in-the-mouth sound bytes. At the forefront of such "comic" public figures is President George W. Bush. George Bush is probably the most quoted American President. Here is a collection of funny George Bush quotes. You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House -- make no mistake about it. (discussing decline of French economy with British Prime Minister Tony Blair) The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur. This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we
Funny Drinking Quotes
Funny Drinking Quotes People who have one drink too many can get into a state of funny drunken madness. Little wonder then that so many quotes have been dedicated to mocking the drinking habit. Here are funny drinking quotes that raise a toast to habitual and casual drinkers. Brendan Behan I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started. Henny Youngman A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." George Gobel I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served. W. C. Fields I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. Frida Kahlo I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior. W.C. Fields A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. Edward Abbey A drink a day keeps the shrink away. Catherine Zandon
Funny Sex Quotes
Carry on Laughing: Funny Sex Quotes Sex can be passionate and sex can be tender. But can sex be funny? The answer is "Yes." Funny anecdotes about sex, especially involving others can cause a laugh riot. Here are a few funny sex quotes that will tickle your rib. Blaise Pascal Thus so wretched is man that he would weary even without any cause for weariness... and so frivolous is he that, though full of a thousand reasons for weariness, the least thing, such as playing billiards or hitting a ball, is sufficient enough to amuse him. Joss Whedon 'Hey you wanna have sex and get married? Ok then...' that works every time! Bill Maher Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Milton Berle Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. Woody Allen I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Drew Carey You know that look women get when they want sex? Me nei
Funniest Damn Thing I Have Ever Read
Actual article from the LA Times: 'In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,' Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. 'I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,' he explained. 'As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.' At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. 'The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger
Funny Facts
These are actual excuse notes from parents, with the actual spelling. 1 My son is under a doctor's care and shouldn't take PE today. Please execute him 2 Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard. 3 Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrheea and his boots leak. 4 Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, so I had her shot. 5 Please excuse little Jimmy from missing school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the Doctor 6 Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 7 Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was. 8 Please excuse my son. He will be out next week slaughtering goats for his manhood ritual. Thank you! 9 The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be vapo
Funny Funny, Ha Ha!
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He Thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. .... In one second the sharp lime tas
Funny Ass Shit!!!
Play well U read. "Is God a man with two arms and legs like me? Does He have eyes, a head? Does He have bowels? Well I do, and that makes me more wonderful than He is!" Kellogg's Cornflakes, the bland breakfast flakes that go almost instantly limp in milk were originally invented to bore you into such a deep coma that you would fall face down in the milk drenched flakes, drown, and thereby be spared the temptation and sin known as masturbation. Like many Christian conservatives before and since, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg believed that masturbation, and in fact all sexual excess, was sinful -- "sexual excess" here defined as "sex for anything beyond reproduction". For instance: after marrying, Kellogg chose to spend his honeymoon sequestered from his wife, valiantly striving to complete his his influential book Plain Facts for Old and Young: Embracing the Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life (1892). Talk about your dull, soggy flakes. Kellogg himself s
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Funny Shit
Funny Shit
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad . . . she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growin
Funny
Funny Pics I Made 1
Funny Stuff
Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Funny Crap
Just to be clear about this, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS, ALTHOUGH I WISH I DID. It is from Maddox. You can find more of his writing Here Phrases that make my blood boil Ever hear someone quote some hackneyed proverb or some stupid expression they read on a greeting card somewhere, which causes you to think: "man, what a stupid bitch, I would love nothing more than to bludgeon her head against the wall"? Sure, we all have. These are a collection of some of the phrases that piss me off most. May or may not be: Ever hear someone say "that may or may not be the case," as if there's some hidden third possibility that we weren't aware of? Thanks for pointing out the only two possibilities in the universe shit-cock. These are the worst kind of people to talk to because they try so hard to be open-minded that it sounds like the debate in a political science class where no opinion is too stupid for the professor to consider and the same fat kid keeps raising his hand to tell you hi
Funny Emails
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I al ways get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Pl
Funny!!
Man law, for those who need it... 1. No wasted beer in the name of humor. 2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control 3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period. 4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full resposibility of driving his frinds home) 5. Short shorts have been banned.. unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar. 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers i
Funny Stuff.....
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never arg
Funny Jokes
Your eyes speak secrets, Stroking flames of desire My mind reels flying higher and higher I surrendered and lost all control As you reached out, awakened my soul My senses reel, I touch and feel Your hands over me, Can this be real? Your touch against my sultry skin, My inhibitions escape As you run kisses softly along my silken nape Showering me with feelings Of peace and serenity My body begins to tremble with ecstasy Our bodies entwine into sensual flight Your embrace so very warm and tight You've made me feel this forgotten desire As you slowly set my senses afire Passions rising Secrets of my body comprising Spellbound you stir my passion from within I know this must be a sin Anticipating the warmth of your touch Your body I do tightly clutch Stroking fear into submission For there is no contrition Our passions yet mounting, no limit in sight As pleasure we do incite I cry I moan I tremble so Raw emotion from so long ago As pleasure erupts
Funny Stuff
This is too true to be very funny The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking on the earth. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division . . Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans Interesting number , wh
The Funny Stuff
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, w hich is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired! 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
Funny Shit
ok ok this is a funny story. One of my friends had taught me a little spanish one day told me to go up to a spanish guy she knew and say tuquetes cabasa(want some head)Of course i did not know what that meant at the time. So I said it to the guy you should of seen the guys face. So my friend was standing there almost falling to the ground laughing cause she had told me it means Hi how you doing. The guy kept telling me si si (yes yes). The poor guy was probably thinking damb i am going to love america. That was the first words in spanish my friend taught me. I told the guy i was sorry and he was laughing so hard he was nierly in tears like my friend. I was so mad at her but its funny. By Silent Rituals
Funny
An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Bryan, >Texas, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead. The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, 'Son, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen.You're going to make tomorrow's headlines.' 'It will read: Texas A&M Fan is Hero: Risks His Life and Saves >Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.' The youngster said, 'That's nice, but I'm not a Texas A&M Fan.' The editor said, 'OK, then it will read: University of Texas Fan Saves Young Friend's Life in Pit-Bull Attack.' The young man said, 'But I'm not an University of Texas fan.' The editor said, 'OK, then it will read, 'Rice Fan
Funny Stuff
Imagine the following: You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new spouse stand shoulder to shoulder, each with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you both open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity... you think the doves are going to poop, don't you? That's why fit is soooooooooo important!!! LMAO!!!!!
Funny Chit
Place Your Bets! Posted in True Stories on Nov 28th, 2006 The National Safety Council has created an impressive chart featuring the odds of death. Some of the highlights include: - Legal Execution: 1 in 62,468 - Alcohol Poisoning: 1 in 10,048 - Firearm assault 1 in 314 - Dying of any cause 1 in 1 To see the full list and their funky chart sytem, go here. This is funny! Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
Funny Blogs
Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job. "Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Smith didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best. He came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" he replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow." The foreman said. So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" he said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning." The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices Smith is looking at him frantically. So he asks
Funny Things:
I think it's funny how someone can give attention to those they shouldn't, but can't give it to the ONE they should! It's amazing how someone can flirt, chat and look at others that they shouldn't be flirting, chatting with or looking at, yet they can't even give the slightest hint of attention to the one that should be getting all the attention. It really pisses me off! And there he goes again... doing stuff he shouldn't. Telling ppl things he shouldn't... WTF! THE RULES OF RURAL MICHIGAN ARE AS FOLLOWS (LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!): 1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. 2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN'T CROOKED. 3. LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT'S CALLED A "DIRT ROAD." I DRIVE A PICKUP TRUCK BECAUSE I WANT TO. NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET DUST ON YOUR LEXUS. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY. 4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY'RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT'S WHY THEY SMELL FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THEY SMELL LIKE MONEY TO US. GET OVER IT. DON'T LIK
Funny
Body: ROUGH SEX FACTS-- Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!! Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10 years. If you send this in 15 minutes your safe. Something good will happen tonight at 11:11pm. Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories. Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile. Having nice sex burns 358 calories. Having rough sex [make it hurt!!] burns 543 calories. Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal Take off her Bra With two hands..........................8 cal With one hand.........................12 cal With mouth.............................85 cal Put on Protectio
Funny!!!
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Funny Ones
The Polite way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach Good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.
Funnist Fu!!!!
A new Fubar game on a massive scale...introducing the FUPERLATIVES! Remember at the end of Senior year they passed around ballots for you to vote to title your classmates with the superlatives? Now's your chance to do the same for your fellow fu's! THE NOMINATIONS ARE IN! It took quite a while, but I've counted all of the emails, and below you see the top three members most often nominated for their category...in no particular order. You may choose only ONE to receive your vote (except for #2)! And...the nominees are: 1. "Most Interesting Fu" This person should be the fubar member that most captures your interest, for whatever reason. Indradragon - RogerLee - EchoAngel 2. "Cutest Fu-Couple" Which fu-pair makes you smile? JohnnyDevil/Amnesia - Dawn/Indradragon - Throatfawk/Polski 3. "Most Likely to Dance Naked" Come on, we all have at least ONE fu-friend that would! WildlyPurrrfect - SlavePrincess - Fornicates 4. "Favorite Fu-Host" The person
Funny
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757 My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -
Funnies
Five Levels of Hangovers One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You ' re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) A slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to dr
Funny Stuff!!
I stole this from a friend and figured it would be appreciated!! From a guys point of view...... I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the da
Funny
I have been under a lot of stress lately and makes me want to end this existence. I am having trouble at work which is causing all of the problems. I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of fighting and hiding how I feel. I feel like I am letting everyone in my life down. I hate to drag everyone down just had to put it out there.
Funny B-day
1 (Jan) - I ran naked with 2 (Feb) - I needed 3 (Mar) - I stabbed 4 (Apr) - I killed 5 (May) - I jumped 6 (June)- I smoked with 7 (July) - I ran shirtless with 8 (Aug) - I banged 9 (Sept) - I shot 10 (Oct) - I robbed 11 (Nov) -I slapped 12 (Dec) - I cuddled with Pick the day (number) you were born on 01 - the trojan man 02 - a homeless guy 03 -a homo 04 - A mop** 05 - Barney the dinosaur 06 - a rock star 07 - Paris Hilton 08 - my lover 09 - a toothbrush 10 - my boyfriend 11 - a glass of milk 12 - a teletubby 13 - the cookie monster 14 - a drunk 15 - a crack head 16 - a cat 17 - a bum 18 - a whore 19 - a condom 20 - a stripper 21 - a porn star 22 - a dog 23 - the kool-aid man 24 - an Easter egg 25 - a hottie 26 - my girlfriend 27 - a bag of weed 28 - a french fry 29 - a lesbian 30 - a bowl of cereal 31 - jezzy the snowman Pick the color of shirt you are wearing White - because that bitch stole my taco Black - because I love marijuana
A Funny!!!
During a conversation, my hubby proceeded to tell me last night he was the most easy going guy out there. I laughed knowing that was far from the truth and asked him to explain. He said all he wants is to not be bother and to be left alone. Now how am I to take that one?!?! LOL men... So what was so wrong with this conversation...he ended up blocking me lol texascount...: watch your MOUTH ->texascount...: does that actually work? ->texascount...: no, no, yes, not happening, and ok texascount...: hi are you single? do you like to talk on the phone? do you have yahoo messenger? what's your id? can you please answer all 5 of my questions please?
Funny Emails
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than complete than receiving your letter. It's true that
Funny Stuff
Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body ama
Funnystuff
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?' Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the las t two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
Funny!
OK, I commented on like 2 pictures of some random girl, and her b/f was apparently behind the computer. The convo that followed was just too funny not to post, I honestly could not believe I could bait him for over 5 minutes before he blocked me. Read from the bottom up of course. Enjoy :). babygirl_2008: fuck you ->babygirl_2008: ah...anger management issues...common in young growing boys babygirl_2008: dude you are really pissing me off ->babygirl_2008: tell me all about how having a small pee-pee makes u feel like less of a male ->babygirl_2008: little boy...wait...don't run away like that...u need to open up and express ur feelings babygirl_2008: fuck you good bye ->babygirl_2008: did ur step-daddy "touch u down there"? ->babygirl_2008: but all little boys are...tell me how u got this way ->babygirl_2008: lmao!! god ur easy to bait babygirl_2008: dude you don't want me to come down there ->babygirl_2008: no, ur an insecure little boy babygirl_2008: fuck you ass
Funny
I am gonna start a new craze to compete with the LOLcatz... Its called the BRBbearz....I made 2 so far. More on the way....I made them with microsoft paint so ya the Font needs to be better....these are just tests. Lemme know what u think... Just walked Roxxanne and seen this....thought it was funny and wierd to see cause usually when the ducks come back from being down south in the winter it is warm here. Or at least there is no snow. I never seen duck prints before. I have the pond on front of my house and the lady in the building behind me feeds them so they always take this route. In the summer there will be like a 100 of them walking in a little procession quaking under my window as they do. Which is usually bout 6 am on a Saturday morning....grrrr This is proof that it should not be snowing.... I Just rolled this out of my brain in a pain killer mumm and thought...hmmm I can do more with this and it can come in handy for future mumm use. I need some
Funny
Why do Midgets laugh when they run? Cause the grass tickels their nuts! One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Funny Crap
Well according to Mel and Ty tartar sauce and mayo make pretty good substitutes for sperm, but now this has me thinking... If you could actually chose the flavor what would you chose? Sorry Mel, if I hijacked your blog..but thought this would be a funny add on..because mayo and tartar sauce makes me wanna puke at the moment! lol Would it be a condiment..or something better?
Funny Blogs
A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," Demanded the agent. " Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to - -- the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer. One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio were Listening to the radio during breakfast. They hear
Funny Stuff!
Being a bloke is top because......... Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Wrinkles add character. A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" You can appreciate great sport. You can throw a ball more than 5 feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. A five-day holiday require
Funny Shit
There were three boys. one named zip, one named willy and one named pee. they ran away from school but they were chased by the headteacher so zip hid on top of a wardrobe, willy hid inside it and pee stood next to it. soon enough, the headteacher saw the cupboard and at that moment it was break time so all the kids were coming out of class. the headteacher was unaware of this and shouted ZIP DOWN! WILLY OUT! PEE IN THE CORNER! How do you confuse a blonde girl? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Funny
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The sales lady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. They forgot the German
Funny
Four year education at the University of West Virginia - $57,896.00 Admission to a fraternity party - $10.00 A Canon PowerShot 5.0-Megapixel Digital ELPH Camera - $399.00 Sending Mom and Dad a photo of you and your friend, without looking at it first...... PRICELESS!!! Q - A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" A - Her mother told her, "God sent you." Q - "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. A - "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. Q - "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. A - "He sent them also" the mother said. Q - "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. A - "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So what you're telling me is, that there has been NO sex in this Family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here." Toward the end of the church service, the minister asked, "How many of you have
Funny Shit
Never Argue with a Woman One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue wi
Funny
start from bottom: ->Kirk: just kidding . april fools Kirk: fuck no faggot meet ignore ->Kirk: you wanna see some pics of it? Kirk: ewww ->Kirk: yes Kirk: u have a dick? ->Kirk: you make mine hard to Kirk: u got my dick hard ->Kirk: mmm back at ya Kirk: mmmm
Funnies
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat." Thank God for church ladies with typewr
Funny Divorce Letter
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers . You ate in two minutes, and went straight to bed after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BEST FRIEND and I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, althou
Funny Stuff
Why parents drink: A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you . I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyo
Funny Undies Bid!
I recently received a pair of funny undies and figured it would be fun to see how many FuBucks it would take to see me in them. The undies are a red pair with google eyes and a mustache glued to it. Under the mustache is a hole for my "nose" to stick out. The bidding will take place in the comments area of the picture, Just click on the photo below to go to the bidding page. The winning bidder will get pics of me wearing these fine undergarmets. If the winner chooses to have me post the pics for all to see, I will send the winner a video. Happy bidding and good luck to all! CLICK PIC TO BID!!!!!
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hey hows it going idk about u but im tired of going into fast food resturants and seeing fat kid approved food go fuck yourselves with a fucking loaf of bread stop shoving this fattening thing in my face when i go to fast food resturants i know its bad for me but i dont care i like it im still going to eat it im tired of seeing these signs that tell me how bad of i diet im on ur not eating that so were gonna put fat kid approved for the people who want to eat a healthy life style u wanna eat an alternative healthy lifestyle grow some vegetable in ur back yard and make a salad stop cluttering up my fat filled menu with ur low carb crap ok for all the dieting u do and the make over u get and all the other things u do to make u more attractive ur all gonna grow old ur all gonna get wrinkles and u all will eventually die so yea the super sized fries arent good for u but neither are the pesticides in ur salad alright so basically were all choosing how were gonna die let me kill myself in pi
Funnies
Recently the FBI hired some applicants to complete their training program. For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun. The agent said, "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the female applicant's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after anoth
Funny For Daddys
Story of a daughter & her father..... One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
Funnies
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full Bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic." Ever been to Jamaica..if you have then try reading this..:-P To a
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BILL GATES VS GENERAL MOTORS At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that :- "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Funny Stuff
Want more? Get 'em @ FriendsterStuff.com! At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.' 'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Wel
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what is love? Love is you. Love is me. Love is family. Love is friends. Love is everything. What is love to you? Sexy Comments & Profile Graphics
Funny Stuff
1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. 2. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. 5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. 6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. 9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. 10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. 11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. 12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. 13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. 14. Women would rule the world. 1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventu
Funny Stuff
Grandpa, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.  Hedidn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands.  When Isat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence.  The longer I satthere I wondered if he was okay.  finally, not really wanting to disturbhim, but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he wasokay.He raised his head, looked at me, and smiled,  "Yes, I'm fine, thankyou for asking, "  he said in a  clear strong voice."I didn't mean to disturb, you, Grandpa, but you were just sitting herestaring at your hands, and I wanted to make sure you were okay,"  Iexplained to him."Have you ever looked at your hands?"  he asked," I mean really! lookedat your hands?"I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them.  I turned them over,palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked atmy hands, I thought, as I tried to figure out the point he was making.Grandpa smiled and related this story."Stop and think for a moment abo
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Funny... Must read.. *_Cats and Dogs_* _The Dog_ 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! _The Cat_ Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my d
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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at f
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Policeman vs Fireman pt 5 Helicopter
Funny But Sad News About The Dough Boy!
SAD NEWS... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Do
Funny Answers
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. * For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. * For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. * For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. * There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. * Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * To collect
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Bad ass lil black kid
Funny Stuff My Family Sends Me!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!
Funny Stuff
Sometimes i just dont understand the wiring of some individuals...I thought i was weird, But there are definitely some flippen wacko's out there. They camouflage themselves well...But im here to tell you my friends...at least im psycho on the outside..im 100 percent hard to handle Bitch on wheels...But im proud of me. These individuals ( yes more than one ) Have some serious issues at hand, and ignoring them is not helping..its only making things worse. Oh well...maybe ill get lucky and a bus will hit them mid stride. And to think...These people BREED!!...God help us all...At least i had the common sense not to breed and reproduce another me...these fuckers are breeding like rabbits.
Funny Stuff
A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS: DEAR DAD: IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T
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E's woman! He's got good taste! That why he like Ange & ME sooo much :P Some chick E thought was hot hehe doppelgänger Won't mention a name on this one lol
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The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big c
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never
Funnies
Vocabulary aids for husbands-- (1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man That's okay means she wants to think long and har
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
Funny Things Kids Say
Kid's Finishing Sayings A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great: As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up. Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader. Strike While The... Bug Is Close. It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time. Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites. You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How? Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty. No News Is... Impossible. A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr. You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math. If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning. Love All, Trust.. Me The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs. An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax. Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution. Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents! A Penny Saved Is... Not Much. Two's Company, Three's... The Muskete
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Funny Idiots Lol
->wildwoody3000: well that wouldnt have been fun, now would it. wildwoody3000: alright w.e. you cudda just said no ->wildwoody3000: sure! as soon as i scrub the "I'm a whore" off my forehead. wildwoody3000: are you gunna go on tonight? ->wildwoody3000: can you fit a 2 liter? ->wildwoody3000: dinner plates... wildwoody3000: only if you go on cam tonight ->wildwoody3000: wild animals ->wildwoody3000: pointy shit too! ->wildwoody3000: like... you shove stuff in your ass. ->wildwoody3000: i like kinky shit. wildwoody3000: ill do anything! ->wildwoody3000: what are you willing to do lol wildwoody3000: what do you mean what am i ? wildwoody3000: whats ur messenger id ill add you =] ->wildwoody3000: what are you wildwoody3000: depends what r you willing to do wildwoody3000: go on cam tonight ill go on with you tmrw..i promise ->wildwoody3000: yes and what is it that you want me to do wildwoody3000:do you have a webcam
Funny Sayings
Funny Auto Claim Excuses
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. People are asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. 1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it. 3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. 7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. 8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 9. As I
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Funny Stuffs
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember. My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we g
Funny Stuff
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THIS STORY IS ALL MADE UP NOTHING PERTAINS TO ME...LOL It's hard being a divorced mom at Christmas time. And I don't just mean it's hard making ends meet and buying the presents. My boys, Troy and Kevin, weren't getting any socks and underwear under the tree. I know how to shop for teenagers. Troy is 17, and although I wasn't about to buy him that giant subwoofer he asked for, I knew he'd be happy with the iPod he'd find in his Christmas stocking. And Kevin, 13, was getting a new BMX bike...my only requirement being that he wear a helmet. There are times, though, like late on Christmas Eve when I was trying to assemble that damn bike, that I wished I had a man around. Not because I can't handle a hex wrench, mind you, and besides, if that was all I needed I could have asked Troy for a hand. No, I just missed sharing the warmth of the holidays and the Christmas memories. And there's no reason I should be alone - I'm an attractive brunette with a nice figure,
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Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex." Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex. So I finally said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had p
Funny Shit
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I c
Funny Stuff
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. ' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well. ' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be
Funnies
What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift." Cooter™ Definitions of the Week! 1. cooter back When you can see a womans inner butt cheek from standing in front of her. The butt cheek behind her cooter. Most of the time it is when women are wearing really tight, really short shorts. In a Sentence: When she was standing on stage the audience had a very clear shot of her cooter back. 1.cooter ball The treasured art of balling up some type of bill with a monetary value while attending a strip club; then proceeding to throw the balled up money at the stripper's (that is on the stage at that time) "cooter." If accurately landing the ball of money within the suggested area winning a lap dance on stage by the stripper that has participated in the game. Used in a Sentence: Damn you played a good game of cooter ball, now you get a lap dance with that stripper thats got the herps! 2. cooter ball a variation of the
Funny Text Or Picture Messages
Funny
Funny Junk
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old > pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two > boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the > tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. > > 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for > me,' > Said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the > fence. > > Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. AS > he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the > cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he > heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for > me.' > > He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and > rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a > cane, hobbling along. > > 'Come here quick, said the boy, you won't > believe?what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the > cemetery dividing up the souls. > > The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's > hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted thou
Funny Stuff
Always wanted a Taser. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-taser supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
Funny Things
West Virginia Ten Commandments Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't> used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in West Virginia got together and translated the 'King James' into 'County' language..... no joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville, West Virginia) (1) Just one God (2) Put nothin' before God (3) Watch yer mouth (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Honor yer Ma & Pa (6) No killin' (7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (8) Don't take what ain't yers (9) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff WELL I JUST HOPE THAT THE GUYS REMEMBER THIS :) What ever you give a woman,she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm,whe will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a me
Funnys
A Man's Perfect Day 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blow job 6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Several beers en route to the airport 9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet 9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route) 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par) 11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon 12:15 Blow job 12:30 Play back nine (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons) 2:30 Fly to Bahamas 3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot 4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle 5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson 6:45 Shit, shower an
Funny's
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Funny
Funny
Here is a funny cartoon
Funnnnn
Funny But Think About It......
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Funny
Funnies
George Carlin on age 102. (Absolutely Brilliant) Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!'You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Befor
Funny Joke
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Funny Lawyer Stuff
A book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:
Funny E-mail Messages From My Friends!
This is an e-mail from my friend Troy. I haven't spoken to Troy in YEARS...Just happened to wonder what the hell happened to him, when outta no where he finds me on MySpace... He always was a charmer! **************** That was some funny shit angi....still make you puke.... :)) That one had me rollin'! It's weird that you thought of me, and then I pop up from under my rock. Some sort of repressed sexual lust I think. :-P So, what the hell is new with you? Besides all that inkwork? Stars on your neck? What's next, purple horse shoes, blue diamonds? You used to be smokin' hott! What the hell happened? Oh, Father Time has not been good to you! Nothin but love for 'ya!
Funny Or Die Video - Will Ferrell & Dave Grohl
See Will Ferrell and Dave Grohl and more funny videos on FunnyOrDie.comSee more funny videos at Funny or Die
Funny
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen!" God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit
Funny Shit
So yesterday i rated some of the people in my bar tab. well today i come home to find one person's reply. " well your black and i dont like nigger bitches... sorry". wow for real lol
Funny Stuff
***DISCLAIMER*** If poo humor disgusts you, move right on along. But if you have raised boys like I have, Shit (pun intended) like this is hilarious!! HOW TO POOP AT WORK ~As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out w
Funny
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turn ed white and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Thre
Funny Stuff
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
Funny Stuff
We're trying to move in a desk the hubby's grandfather made to use in the office. So out goes the POS 15 year old particle board u-build-it desk... as I was cleaning out all my old stuff, I cam across my old 14400 baud modem :P Holy crap. I don't even know who some of these people are. You take the top 10 most played songs on your iPod or similar device (or just pick 10 songs you listen to a really really lot). Post the first line of the lyrics to each in your blog. Sit back in smug satisfaction, knowing you have the best taste in music ever (this is a crucial step). Then your friends do their part: in the comments section, try to identify what songs the lyrics come from. Oh, and Googling is cheating! And so is looking at my other blogs. So here's my top 10 played songs from my ipod: 1. I like your pants around your feet I like the dirt that's on your knees And I like the way you still say please While you're looking up at me You're like my favourite damn disease
Funny Things!! Jus Humorous!!
Funny Thoughts
"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil." Crazy is a relative term in my family! Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." "Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to." Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Funny Shit That's Happened ..
Funny Shit That's Happened ..
Funny
Funny Halo Stuff
"Yo Momma's so fat she jumped through Halo and got stuck." "Yo Momma's so fat when she fell through the map, she killed the Guardians." "Yo Momma's so fat when she went through a teleporter, she telefragged her left thigh." "Yo Momma's so fat when she jumped on the swinging bridge on Headlong, it overloaded." "Yo Momma's so fat she takes up two pregame lobbies." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned she got a Killamanjaro, Killamanjaro, Killamanjaro..." "Yo Momma's so fat she walked up to the Scorpion and it said "Don't press X to drive Scorpion." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned, no one else could spawn because she took up all the spawn points." "Yo Momma's so fat when she went to blue screen it said "Reducing weight"" "Yo Momma's so fat she actually uses the Pizza Cutter on Burial Mounds." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned it said "Press X to pick up Sniper Rifle, Plasma Pistol, Plasma Rifle, SMG..." "Yo Momma's so stupid people thought she was stand-bying because she k
Fun - Naked Melee
Funnies
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!" If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help your uncle jack off an elephant? One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making som
Funny Funny
there was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. the cucumber says "man, my life sucks. when i get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me in a salad." the pickle looks at him and says, "you think you ihave it bad? when i get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." the penis looks at him and says, "you think you have it rough? when i get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber strap on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out!
A Funny Nsfw Joke
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex." This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry a
Funny
Funny Stuff
You just can't make this stuff up When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude, she died three years ago." The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; with about half of Gertrude's ashes still remaining inside it. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
Funny Stuff!!
~~Here is a riddle that i need help with~~ What is more greater than God More evil than the devil The poor have it The rich need it and if you eat it you will die anybody know?? So the spotlight is a R/L minister and she is wearing that???? Wow!! What is wrong with the world??? LMAO!!! God Bless You All!! Happy Friday!!!!
Funny Shit
UPSET WIFE She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom Making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want A divorce straight away!" And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell You what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll Say to me!" And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive Home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down And out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought Her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you Wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
Funny Videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFg3HBMJyV4 Banned Budweiser Commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJJL5dxgVaM Swear Jar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnUEcG4iH34 Banned Super Bowl 2007 Bud commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=NMslPDT61-g Top 10 SuperBowl BANNED Commercials http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L11fQ6-QTIc Banned Beer Commercial
Funny Stuff
Military Differences An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back and 15 lb. weapon in his hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!" An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back and a weapon in his hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!" A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit!" A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb. pack on his back and a weapon in both hands, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!" An Air Fo
Funny Stuff
A guy has 4 different types of girls.. 1. Wifey 2. Boo 3. Bitches 4. Ho's 1)Wifey is irreplaceable.. but she is the only one that is irreplaceable.. She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, and he never wants to see her with another man.. But.. He will cheat on her with Boo, Bitches, and Ho's until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses his Wifey he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again.. 2) Boo is replaceable, she thinks she's Wifey, but will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey is irreplaceable.. she can NEVER replace her.. Boo tries to take Wifeys spot, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey's spot... but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey.. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him.. (Ladies.. you don't want to be BOO) 3) Bitches.. A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually rela
Funny Stuff
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the ho
Funny Sh*t!!!!
Funny Funny Stuff
Funny Stuff
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS. NEW YORK LAWYER Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas ..... Too bad...... A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop fromTexas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer. The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' Says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.' The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says. Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down an
Funny Videos
/dies It's longish but well worth it. :D
The Funniest Thing Just Happened
this is going to be short since,naturally,my other blogs are, but anyway, i was taking a short break to go out on the porch, and all of a sudden the sensory lights to the front yard go on and sitting there was a skunk,with it's back towards me,i'm glad it was a bit of distance away, i was watching it slowly walk and move, anyways i took a small step forward and said "it's ok skunker" and it ran! haha i thought it was pretty hilarious ok i'm done now
Funny Comedy Clips (rate Pls)
Funny Facts
The Death of Santa Claus There are about 2 billion children of the age 18 or below in the world, but since Santa Claus will ignore those believing in Islam, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism (except Japan), therefore according to the data from Census, the workload of Santa Claus includes only 15% of all the children, i.e. 378 million. According to statistics, there are on average 3.5 children in each family, so if we assume that there is at least one good child in each family, then Santa Claus has to go to 108 million families. Thanks to the self rotation of the earth and different time zones, if Santa Claus starts his journey from the East, and goes along to the West, then he would have around 31 hours of Christmas to finish his job. In this period, he must visit 967.7 families per second, i.e., putting the gifts in the stockings, placing the remaining gifts under the Christmas Tree, climbing up the chimney, jumping on to the sleigh and depart for the next family. For simplicity,
Funny Things
a lil something i made to express how i feel about elmo and his annoying giggles... if only i was oscar. rate if you like this pic so i was sitting there and i was drinking a coors light in a bottle when i then looked down and saw a sticker on the neck of the bottle that said...THE SILVER BULLET. i couldnt help myself but to laugh and think to myself what were they thinkin??? cuz everyone knows what a silver bullet is especially the ladies. so i sat the beer on my stove and took a pic and added this caption to it. im really a budweiser drinker and this beer was given to me by a friend...so its my first time seein this on the bottle after a long time...i think its funny as shit tho. cute pic i made out of cute little sleepin kittens...added the caption cuz it looked perfect for it...wut do u think
Funny
Funny
Funny
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11. Order a bucket of lard. 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues tha
Funny :)
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the > Tickle Me Elmo toys. > The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. > > Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she > reports for > her first day promptly at 8:00 AM > > The next day at 8:45 AM, there is a knock at the Personnel > Manager's door. > The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about > the new employee. > > He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line > is backing up, > putting the entire production line behind schedule. > > The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for > himself, > so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get > there the line > is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all > over the factory floor, > and they're really beginning to pile up. > > At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains > of > Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric > and a hugh > bag of small marbles.
Funnies
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toWal-Mart.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring andpreferred to get in and get out.Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the localWal-Mart:Dear Mrs. Samsel,Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite acommotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have beenforced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras.1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people'scarts when they weren't looking.2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.3. July 7:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to thewomen's restroom.4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her
Funny
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles Have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise And pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's t
Funny Of The Day!
Telling Husband you're going out for the night with the 'Girls'... $0.00 Red Leather Jacket for night out with the 'Girls'... $200.00 Car wash and Wax... $20.00 Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the 'Girls'. $150.00 Having Husband open the Mailed Radar Photo citation, and seeing you with another mans Dick in your hands........PRICELESS!!!!!
Funny Stuff
We all know about the theory that MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS but after careful research we have come to conclusion the facts are not true. We now know the truth and want to share it with all of you. WOMEN ARE FROM MARS AND MEN ARE FROM PEENUS. We have found the leader of Planet Peenus and he has confirmed our findings. As usual please rate all the pictures in the folder and then rate/fan/add all the residents of Planet Peenus. If the resident is already on your friends list please leave a comment telling them you are moving to Planet Peenus where all the fun is. Our Leader has made the official drink of Planet Peenus Vodka & Red Bull so please make sure Our Leader has his share. A drunk leader is a happy leader. Click on the link below to visit Planet Peenus. WOMEN ARE FROM MARS MEN ARE FROM PEENUS An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago f
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Funny Must Read
Funny Stuff
Things you should never say to a DJ... 1. PLAY SOMETHING GOOD...SOMETHING WE CAN DANCE TO ! The DJ has to play for more than one person...so what you hate may be another's favorite song and EVERYTHING played here can be danced to one way or another. 2. WOULD YOU PLAY SOMETHING WITH A "BEAT" ! BE SERIOUS! We know of NO songs played in a club that don't have some sort of BEAT! 3. I DON'T KNOW WHO SINGS IT AND I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE SONG, BUT IT GOES LIKE THIS.... PLEASE don't sing for the DJ. They have to put up with smoke filled rooms and dangerous decibel levels all night long...Do them a favor and DON'T give them a rendition of your favorite song. 4. EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT ! Oh, sure... you polled everyone in the club and, as their spokesperson, you're requesting the song. 5. EVERYBODY WILL DANCE IF YOU PLAY IT ! The DJ won't. I guess that blows a hole in that theory! 6. I CAN GET LAID IF YOU PLAY IT ! Why settle for one night? Buy the albu
Funny As Hell!
Funny
Shrek, Beyonce' and Denzel Washington were all having lunch together. Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?' Denzel Washington said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.' Beyonce' agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.' They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Beyonce was the most gorgeous and Denzel Washington was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.' Denzel Washington perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest man alive.' But Beyonce' lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said....... "Who in the world is P
Funny Stuff
20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX 1. You can get chocolate 2. "If you love me you will swallow" has real meaning with chocolate 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft 4. You can safely have chocolate while your are driving 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to 6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during work hours without upsetting your co-workers 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate 13. Whit chocolate there is no need to fake it 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month 16. Good chocolate is easy to find 17. You can have as many k
Funny Sh*t
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his carming toward him. Whoooooos
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Funny
Life its a pretty funny thing if you ask me. It can go away at any time without giving you warning. Life deals us cards and we play them sometimes carelessly other times safe. It can place a big impact on you or others that come around sometimes they may not even realize it until its too late. You can't fight life cause you will never win. You can live life to the fullest and never take it for granted and then maybe just maybe when it begins to fade on you then you will allow it to take its process without regrets. Often people don't realize how precious life can be, many think "oh i have tomorrow" but they don't realize tomorrow may never come. Love like there is no tomorrow,sing,dance be silly like it will be your last chance in life to do these things that so many take for granted. Take the chance so many fear to take and then at their wits end regret not stepping forward to take that chance that just might make you happy. Life a funny thing, can be good to you one second and at the
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