Zero Edge's blog: "just appreciate it"

(This is not a cry for help. I will be fine, I am okay, and I hope to understand that I am not the only here. Please understand, this is a battle I am not fighting on my own. If any along the way might be hurt, I apologize as this is close to me. It's okay to have an open conversation on this as long as it is healthy and open to criticism. Name calling, or an insult at this point would be moot, so I encourage you to hold those out.)

Hello, good day to those who are reading, my name is Zero, you can call me Emmanuel interchangeably works both ways. I have been a member of this site for nearly eleven years now, so it's been a long time since I have been a member of this place. To those who don't want the so-called drama, there is the home page on your screen just hit and ignore this. 

I am a manically depressed, bipolar, mood-swinging with anxiety problems lunatic and I have been with it for nearly two decades. To self-diagnose myself would be, I knew what it was like to have that deep sadness when I was nine years old. My bipolarity did not come into full swing around sixteen and my anxiety problems, well just like any test taker out there who knows how to handle taking tests and cramming the minute before it begins yeah, that's it. 

I am a mess, completely. I have been broken so many times, just for being nice. I sometimes forget how to feel not out of indifference but out of fear in doing something about it. I have shut myself out from my family. I don't know how to approach them because I don't know what I would say when I am looking them in the face to letting them know that everything is not okay. I get scared. I still don't know where to start with them; if I did, it's not going to happen anytime soon. The impartiality of being able to speak it through the non-professionals or perhaps to you guys, especially to the closest people I have known here for years has been relieving. It's been easier to let go than keep it bottled up in here. If you ever want to know more about me, ask. Do not assume, ask. Talk to me, and I will tell you what ails my mind. I have my weight on my shoulders, but that does not mean I get to keep things hidden from you. 

I have my suicidal thoughts, I do. I understand what it's like to look at the edge. I have lost friends from overdose and all other kinds of ways they exited themselves out. I have friends who have survived from cutting themselves or worse. They are okay, and we talk about it among other things in life. Being depressed has had me leaned on it over the years, but I keep bouncing back from it, titanically it is a massive feat to be a resilient person. 

I don't love medications because I grew up taking them and I have that sudden urge or reluctance even to make it. I think it's the latter more than the former for in fear of growing up with it when I was being treated for my ability to walk. It was difficult for my pain from therapists to make sure I would walk, and I did, to run was also a feat so yeah. I don't want the psychiatric theatrics because of the counterarguments, the mind games, etc. Clashing with them is not going to work. I think it's comfortable talking here or if I were in a room with peers of the same caliber, it would fit just to sit down and let go. 

Maniacally, I wish I was always usual but that's not in the cards. Bipolarity, even just being happy and sad in a balanced way I would find it more comforting than prolonged periods of time. Even with my anxiety, I wish I knew I could remain calm also if it's taking a test. It will at least get me on the right track, right? At times I will have my bluntness, I will sound off snarky, witty or jerky. If I do, please point it out. Outside, I am happy, but I am also saddest on the inside. I don't want to hide the truth of protecting myself. I know my frailty comes with a price. I have socially lost friends over it. It takes a particular direction to understand where I would go with it. It's a hard pill to swallow and a harder truth to accept, but I will continue to do my best. 

There lies a volume of stars at night and when I think of it I think of the way I saw you that night,

You were standing up there next to the waterfall and as I walked up to you, you said,

"There are stars tonight" I nodded.

I pointed to the waterfall and you nodded and I said, "There, see that water falling, see that's the result

of the stars dropping in every night from the sky but you know they never fade even as they fall from the 

water because you're the reason they are still out there. They can keep falling from this waterfall but 

who you are in this waterfall are the formations to where the water flows because you give me this love

I don't deserve but you make me happy so much I will take the plunge for your love that will keep me 

falling to be with you."

As that water kept falling, we took a sit, enjoyed those stars, and as she gave me that simple kiss on the lip

you smiled and said "Can you just be here for me for the rest of the night? Mr. Waterfall?" 

(This small poem is based on the picture I have here http://www.fubar.com/it-doesn-t-remind-me-of-anything/photo-90078-2071051-2763094039 I don't have a real life girlfriend or anyone special so this is a piece I write for people to appreciate. ) 

I was out this weekend, no computer only television and my cellphone. There was the radio but I didn't turn it on because I wasn't really interested these days in the radio. As I was out there across town with just those "big technology" besides anything electronic over there I pursued the outside. It was on the bay and I loved it but there were only few lights but what mattered was not the lights, the big million dollar houses lined up and even the city which was few minutes from where I was. It was nature, the crashing waves, the crimson sky that veiled the night sky and finally the moon which hid mysteriously in the city life. 

The crashing waves were everything for me as it reminded me that the sound it produces is its own. It was a breezy night as if a hat needed to be flying up there in the night sky. It needed a dance partner nevertheless for the trees that were swinging with it were composing already their melodies and chords. The waves was a reminder that life within them can keep coming but it will crash for it is predetermined. The clouds formed a curtain, a curtain that didn't need to be torn by the winds it kept blowing. When the moon showed itself from those clouds it was colored in vermillion. It didn't need to scream its beauty around but what it did was present itself slowly as each cloud line formation drew inches away from the moon. No stars were there to show it needed audience but what it presented was a dance. The trees were the musicians that night, the waves were the audience for each time they crashed it was their form of applause. The cloud was the veil where it hid not only the moon but it was Cupid that night for I fell in love with the moon it showed.

A vermillion colored moon that had showed its true beauty! To that, I give tribute to her beauty by writing this beautiful piece!

"Oh how you have seized upon this velvet night, for your glamour had captivated all the stars but you, and with their brightness bring forth luminescence! 

For your grace ever so immaculate let it be beautiful like the moon shining at its brightest not waning for
its dazzle is never going to fade for they will shine on like the wishing stars at night! 

So lady divine, let sadness fade and sing your heart of joy for you and I will be in the plane of gods wehre your 
sight to them will be anything more but plain!"

Stars, fishes and sand grains are everywhere but what they have in common are what I see in you...

The stars at night though shining brightly with their luminosity your eyes are enough for what I need to stargaze during the night.

The fishes though they come in schools or in singles you live off your own beauty without them.

Finally, the sand grains wherever they are found I cannot begin to count the times we would spend, memories shared and find each other's love in our hearts. 

Hi part three of me. I guess I can't sleep when I think heavy things. There's a part of me when I want to go crazy and I do go crazy. I had yet punch someone though but I'm sure that if I do I'll make sure to knock that person out.

When I do go to bed though I just look up at my ceiling for a long long time. Then I start asking questions. Questions that I keep giving hypotheticals to but the ifs don't matter to me. I've lived a life full of challenges, risks and troubles. The questions that I ask are so damn silly sometimea I just want to answer it.

My friends are my most valuable prized treasures that I discovered. No matter how disturbed, violent or eccentric they are. They are what makes my day. I wouldn't trade them for any given day. So to all my friends here in fubar thanks!

Hi my name is Emmanuel John Fabic known as Joker. I am 21 going 22 four Saturdays from now. I am 5'7 and 180 lbs and who knows maybe overweight. I have brown eyes and I am not the sexiest man alive but if you think I am thank you. I am not here to boost my ego but I am here to be a friend. I always have smiles in me and I am happy for that. 

My friends here mean a lot to me than anywhere I've met. I've come from different sites but out of all them this is the place where you can be open to people that they may say you're a stranger but if you talk to them. They will reach out to you. I've been here for about 4 years, on and off. I'm not here for the points or for the bling so let's keep talking. My friends are like my family they are so close to me and they make me feel alive than anyone else.

I hate the feeling of rejected because I want to be accepted not exempted but accepted in this world as me. I am me. i am nice, cool and relaxed. I am a writer, singer and a pianist. Don't ask me to play Beethoven because I don't know how to do that yet. I am very passionate of what I do best and no matter what I'll keep on doing beyond best.

I have big dreams of going out there in the world. I do and one of them is still traveling around the world. Just go anywhere, live in that place and learn.

This is me, I am Emmanuel the Joker.

Beauty that travels is the beauty that is worth than the thousand suns that burns outside. For fishes and pearls can be found in oceans but the beauty you have is way better than those fishes and pearls. For you have that nevermelting ice that keeps me chilled to the bone but its warmth never goes away. The beauty that keeps traveling will keep getting more beautiful even if the world is small it's never enough to contain your growing beauty.

Hi my name is Joker and I arrived in America with only two languages that I only knew how to speak fluently. In 11 years that I have been here I started picking up different languages. My purpose is to find connections and make contact with different cultures that’s why I wanted to learn them. I’m not showing it off as trade skills but I want to understand people’s culture and not act ignorant in front of them. Here are the languages I learned, hope you can keep up!

Nagsasalita na ako ng Tagalog nung bata pa ako at marunong na ako magsulat sa buong buhay ko. Kaya hindi ko nakakalimutan magsalita dahil yun ang pinaguusapan namin sa bahay.

J'ai étudié le français en 7e et 8e année. Là j'ai continué de étudiant de première année de année dans les écoles secondaires et arrêté. Aujourd'hui je ne parle pas beaucoup de cela, mais même alors je peux encore comprendre ce que la personne est de me dire en français.

Español fue más interesante como la mayoría de las palabras en Tagalo provino de la lengua propia. Luego de nuevo recogí el lenguaje rápidamente aunque no suficiente fluidez sigo entienden lo que diría porque refleja tan bien que he entendido lo que la gente diciendo.

English wasn’t that hard either as I started learning how to speak it when I was only 3 years old. I started reading magazines, newspapers and books by then. I thought it was hard but it wasn’t.

After high school I started picking up other languages quickly. Starting off with German, I learned how to speak some of the formalities and numbers fairly quick. However, my French teacher told me that German like French is part of the Romance languages so some of the words have similarities so I was able to pick up more words.

Few months later, I wanted to learn how to speak Japanese because of my mom’s side. I knew of course konichiwa, konbanwa then I started picking up verbs from it. After that I started to develop sentences from just watching their animations and drama shows. I rely on subtitles sometimes but even there’re discrepancies in between them. Sometimes I just rely with no subtitles because it’s better that way just to understand what they are saying than reading their lines.

I learned how to speak some Italian long time ago. My old art teach in middle school taught me how to speak some of it. He taught me how to say mr./mrs., hello, and goodbye. Today I learned some more when I played Warcraft when one of players I met was from Italy. She taught me ‘how are you,’ good/bad, and I love you. After that I played Assassin’s Creed 2 and since the settings in Italy I picked up a few more from the game. Of course curse words were involved so I learned that but I prefer the formalities over that. Another time that I picked up Italian was when I watched “Life is Beautiful” and one of my favorite lines in that film was, “Buon giorno principessa! Come stai! Last night I had a wonderful dream about you…”

I learned some Russian from some students that was in my medical school and they taught me the formalities once more. I learned how to say hi/hello, goodbye and what’s up. It’s a beautiful language and I would be more so happy to write it too.

Now comes Arabic, I played World of Warcraft for almost 6 years and I met a group of Kuwaitis who speak Farsi and with that I was intrigued with their words. Even the language itself that comes from your throat and your nose that is about to spit. It is very strong. I was able to understand again what they say and even they were shocked to hear me say to them in English what they were saying to each other. They taught me how to say the formalities and thank you.

Finally and recently, I met a Singaporean also from WoW that spoke Mandarin. I asked him how to say the formalities, I love you and best friend in that order. Soon after…well within five minutes of talking to him I picked up real quick. So now I tell him wok wo da han-hao ni su wo tsui yao hao da pan xiu which literally translates to “I’m good my best friend.” It’s not something that can be spoken fast because it will bring different meanings to the one you’re speaking to.

With that I learned about ten languages, though not all are fluent and written I am able to understand the context they are being used. I still want to learn how to speak other languages especially Latin and Celtic as they are one of the other oldest languages in the world.

I must be dreaming every morning
Waking up that tomorrow is already here.
I must be thinking she's there but
deep down I know that she'll be here when
I see her coming down the road.
I must have knocked so many doors,
truth is I keep slamming them everytime I'm not satisfied.
I must keep shining because there are so
many stars out there and I don't want to be miscounted
after all I shine and when I do I make sure that it's
bright enough for people to see.
I must keep learning after all I need to
know what experiences are and what makes it
different between us.
I must be honest to myself because people deserve
that I commit to them and that I don't want to decieve them.
I must understand that even distances are measured
there's no way that people won't understand you unless
you open to them up in every way.

So now...

I have to wake up and smell the flowers.
After all they're too beautiful to miss.
I have to wake up and smell the coffee.
After all they were just roasted and so good to drink.
I have to wake up and prepare for the world.
After all I don't know who I'll meet, what I'll expect,
or even know where I'll be for today but I know
I have to prepare for everything that it will challenge me.

But I know in the end...

I got to live up to my fullest.
There was no one who told me I was wrong or right.
My views that I see from the top was there in the end of the day.

I know deep down I will find myself in the comfort of someone.

So I'll wake up and tell reality, "I'm ready and if you want to bring me down, I will not back down! I will stand up and make you know that I'm a man not a boy!"