The past week has fucking sucked. If I already didn't feel like shit about myself and every aspect of my life before I got here, Kenny made sure that I definently do now. With his negative comments every 10 seconds and his complaints about everything from my appearance to my display name on Myspace, I now feel even worse about myself than ever. I've been called a bitch, a retard, a cunt...every name he knew he could use to hurt me. This all in front of our son, who proceeded to repeat the word "asshole" clear as day, 2 times after one of our arguments. I won't even get into the PHYSICAL stuff that happened during our arguments either.
I've decided that I'm better off being alone. Wow, what a fucking realization. Everyone has told me I would be....I just needed to figure it out on my own. I want to start feeling good about myself again, but there's no way in hell I can do that with someone by my side who will point out every negative thing about me that they can come up with. I'm sick of it. I'm done. I've broken up with him, this time for GOOD. If he wants to see his son he can come to Maryland. If he doesn't have his check in the mail for Riley on time every month, I'll take him to court. It's as simple as that. I'm not even willing to be friends with this son of a bitch anymore. I feel bad for Riley, but its better this way. At least Riley won't be around this and grow up to think its acceptable to insult his mother on a daily basis.
Like I said before, I don't remember feeling this shitty EVER about myself. Today is December 3rd as well. That means it has now been 7 yrs since the day I was sexually assaulted. I was 14. Some of you remember when it happened, and some of you remember me talking about it. Its fucked me up every year since then. Although my mind has blocked out most of what happened that night (The mind is very kind), its still the whole concept that I deal with. I'm so fucked up over it still. As if this day wasn't hard enough to deal with...I'm away from my family...my whole support system....and 9 hours away with someone who just violates me emotionally all over again.
At least I won't have to deal with him anymore. I'm actually very excited about going back to Maryland and starting my new life. I'm trying to figure out how I will explain this to my family, but I'll manage. I'll be happier and I think they will notice a change in my overall mental state. Maybe oneday I'll even be able to look at myself in the mirror again and say "Hey, you're not half bad"....
