Morbid Mandy's blog: "Just life in general"

Just as I thought things couldn't get worse, it does. I have to have surgery on my left knee on the 29th, and I have absolutly NO ONE to fuckin help me with my home or my daughter afterwards. So I'm fucked, royally. Friday, I have to get some testing done and be examined to see if I have epilespy, because Thursday, I felt like I was having a panic/anxiety attack, but my face, hand, and feet went numb and tingly, my whole body started shaking really bad, and I was crying uncontrollably, and my dr agreed that it could have been a mild epileptic seizure. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance WITH my daughter, and all they did was checked my heart rate, blood, and to see if I had a fever. Why the fuck didn't they do any testing on me that day? Now, I have done some reading about epilepsy and seizures, and some of the things I have read about them, compairs to what I experienced Thursday afternoon. Fucking great, huh? I'm already suffering BPD, Bi-Polar, PTSD, and still suffering from PPD. How much more demons am I gunna have battling with me in my life time? Then one of the paramedics that came into my home called DFS, because my home wasn't in "top shape". Note: I was in the middle of cleaning my home, and then the attack happened. So after I got home from the hospital, I stayed up until 3 am, making sure MY HOUSE was fucking sparkling and to MY likings. The woman from DFS showed up around 3 pm, and was upset that the people called to have me inspected, because in a case such as mine, and the state of mind that I was in the pervious day, they shouldn't have called DFS AT ALL. She was pleased that my home was spotless and clean, she saw that I had plenty of food in my fridge, freezer and my pantries, and went on her happy lil way out the door. NOW the story gets even better.............The childrens dad calls me this evening, so I could talk to my daughter that he has. All of a sudden, I hear him in the back ground, yelling, screaming, and banging around. Then I hear his ex fiancee yelling back to leave her alone, and to quit hitting her. My daughter, went into her bedroom, and hid in her closet scared, and telling me that she didn't wanna be there anymore, because daddy yells all the time. So I went upstairs, and asked my landlord if I could use his home phone to call 911 in Columbia, Mo. Well, I told the dispatcher what the hell was going on and let them know that this isn't his first time being abusive towards a woman, that he was abusive towards me before, during and after both pregnancies for nearly 4 years. So She said that she was going to have the police out there for me, and that I was going to stay anonumos. By that time, my daughter was hysterical on the other line, and I was getting angry, because I can hear them in the back ground yelling and screaming. The police finally showed up, and I can hear my daughter crying, and then an officer asked who I was, and I told him that I was the mother of the baby...............and I can hear my daughter in the back ground screaming that she didn;t want her dayy to go to jail. He was resisting arrest, so they had to fight him to the ground, and I was on the phone for like 5 minutes yelling for someone to come back and tell me what's going on because my daughter is there, but no one did. I had to hang up. It took me an hour to finally get a hold of his ex fiancee, and she told me that he was going to be in jail for the rest of the evening, and that she had to take my daughter to a reletives because she's not the mother, and her family didn't want any problems with the ass when he was bailed out. So now I'm worried where my daughter is, and how she's doing. If I have to go and get her, I will, and I'll bring her back to Utah with me. She CAN'T be around that psycho asshole of a father anymore. She'd rather be here anyways, with her sister and I, than to be with that freak. I have so many damn worries and stress going on, I just need prayers from everyone who believes in God, and I'll pray also.

Today I got a phone call from a place that I applied for, and I got hired. I have been calling them and bugging them about the job, and Monday I was informed that they weren't hiring at the time, but Stacy called me and said that some people were quiting the day shift hours, and Doug was looking at my application to hire me. So I go in this comming Monday and finish fillining out the major paper work, and I start working at Harbor Freight Tools. I am so excited to finally have a paying job, because $ 420.00 from the state isn't enough to live off of for a month, especially with rent, bills and my daughter. Second good news is, I called my new employment councler from Department of Workforce Services, and she said that because I'm a new client, I wasn't going to be put on phase 2 (that's when they take another $ 100.00 off my cash aid check) so instead of $ 220.00 for this month, I was blessed to get the full amount of $ 420.00. So now I can pay my utilities, and what I owe to my ex boyfriend for the memory foam pad he gave to me. Third good news but scary, is that I got the results from my MRI from yesterday, and I was reffered to a knee specialist for minor surgery. I ruptured my major muscle in my left knee, and some other ligaments, and now I have to proceed with minor surgery. The scary part is the surgery, but I have to prepare myself for it, and know that my knee will be getting the medical attention it's been needing for a while now. So yeah, that's how my day started, and I'm very pleased and feel blessed, because I'm finally getting on the right path to being a better person, mother and having a better life for my daughter and I.

Well, today Adam is moving out of our home, leaving my daughter and I here. That's fine, but I already miss him, and I don't want him to move out. The facts are: We argued too much about dumb things, I allowed my emotions take over, and made matters worse, and he said I have a habit of pushing him away and pulling him back, and he knows that it's because of my 4 depressions. I hate that, having 4 different depressions burdened on me all at once, taking control over my life, and now I'm losing Adam out of my life living wise. He's not the only one sick of my emotions taking over and getting the best of me, I'm tired of it myself, and I wish I could just be rid of them and be normal. Things'll probably get better for the both of us now that we're not living together as friends, and I surely hope that they do, because we both agreed that we don't want to be out of each others lives permanetly, but living together is making it impossible for us to deal with each other and the unnecessary arguing. Maybe I shouldn't have been so emotional with the arguing, and how I talked to him. Because of my actions, he's moving out, and I can't stop him. Because of my actions, I was the one who lost him as a boyfriend.......just because of these 4 fucking depressions that are taking over my life, I lost the best guy I ever had in my life. I'd rather him be my best guy friend than nothing at all. I do love him, more than he knows, but that doesn't excuse me to treating him like poo............I miss him so much, and tonight is going to be the first night sleeping alone without him.........*crying*

I'm The Girl Who... *I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you... *I'm the girl who likes to be kissed under the stars, more then inside your bedroom or in a expensive resturant... *I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss... *I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything... *I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes... *I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and remember each one... *I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends... *I'm the girl who will listen to you talk... *I'm the girl who loves when you hug me for no apparent reason... *I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.. (its cute) *I'm the girl who loves you for you ; and doesn't care what other people say about us... *I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend... *I'm the girl you can be yourself around and not have to worry about what im thinking cuz i will still love you for you! *I'm the girl who doesn't care about your past because it is in the past

Ok, so here is the follow up on what's been going on. Regardless of mine and Adam's situation, things are better than after we he broke up with me. There is weird tention between the both of us, but to me, I see minor flirting between us still. I am wanting to get a job, that way I can get a place of my own, that way things aren't so weird if either of us was to find another person. I for one am not going to be looking and do not have the desire to look for anyone right now, because I still have hope that maybe he'll rethink things and wanna retry our relationship that I know deserves a chance longer than 2 months. He says no, but no one can honestly predict what the future hold (even if they say they know for sure, no, things and feeling ALWAYS change) He knows how I still feel about him, and who knows, maybe (that's a BIG maybe) my feelings for him might *kinda laughs at that "MIGHT"* change if his feelings change for the better for me. Who knows? I mean I can totally understand why not having me as his gf and still taking me to my appointments and such would be stressful, but honestly, nothing has changed. He's doing what he wanted to do in the first place, is to continue being a part of mine and Trinity's lives, help us out and still help take care of us to make sure things are good for us. Anyways, for those who are reading this and said in a since "I told you so, maybe you'll learn after this" Don't assume anything, because you never know, things for Adam and I could turn out again for the better and we'll work out for good. But there is that other senario, but for the record, I hate the "I told you so" shit, it pisses me off. It just shows that you're satisfied that I'm not with Adam relationship wise, and you think you might have a shot, well, you don't. Not to seem rude, but that's just life, and you move on. I may or may not end up back with Adam, but I know this, I'm staying here in Utah, and moving on with y life for the sake of my daughter well being and mine, not for the sake of Adam maybe comming back to me. Ok, so that's the other part of the fill in. I was supposed to fly out back to Ca, because I did wanna get away from Adam, but hearing it from other people that it's smarter to stay here because of the medical situation and the fact that Trinity needs to stay in one damn state instead of bouncing her around just when I get mad, is in fact not a thing for me to continue doing to her. So I took those into consideration, and realized, leaving here would be rather selfish of me because it's me running away from all my emotional problems, and dragging my daughter with me. We have our dr's here, and dropping al that important help is a bad thing. What kind of mother am I setting myself out to be for my daughter if I just keep moving her around? She'd end up retaleating and even dispise me for moving her around so much if I was to continue moving her around like I have done. I had to make the smart and make sinceable decision, and that was to stay here in Utah for her sake and mine. Sure I was looking foward to being around my family (especially my mom) and friends again, and even my cat Skittles, but I know my family understands why I made this decision to stay here rather than to go back to Ca. Honestly, I have nothing but traumatizing memories in Ca, and it's too damn expensive to live there as a singel parent and no help but ur own, and what offeres I would have had from family and close family friends. Ca has nothing to offer me but hell, so I'd rather live here in a state where I have found hapiness and have gotton my shit together, than to go back and royal fuck my life and my daughter's life up because of my selfish wants and needs. I'm going to lay off of Adam about trying to get him to be my bf again (even though it'd be easier if we did just get back together and stayed together), because it'll just end up in him resenting me and not wanting anything to do with me or my daughter, and the living situation will hopefully be kosher, because I don't want comfritation and drama between Adam and I in front of my daughter. He looks so sweet when he's sleeping. It makes me wanna lay down next to him and hold him close to me, but I have to resist and respect that we're not together anymore. It sucks, because I got so used to cuddling with him (in and out of bed), draping my arms around his neck and kissing him, all that great couples stuff, but to not being able to do that sucks ass, and I miss it and him. Anyways................. : (

I know a lot of you pro'ly won't give a shit, but it's something for me to brag about. I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, all thanks to my antidepressant!!! It's made clear that it decreases your appitite, but I was skeptical about it. But I did. I need to lose 32 more lbs to reach my goal weight!! I'm happy about that, and I hope I can reach my goal weight by the summer. For my height I was told that my weight that I'm at now is considered obease, and very unhealthy for 5'0. But the reason why I weigh so much is because I had 2 children and have been struggling with alternate ways to lose the mama weight gain. HAHA, my bf said it's because I'm on top during sex so I'm getting a work out, hehe *blushes*.......Maybe he's right. Anyways, I thought I'd share the news with everyone

For those of you that are parents, and experienced the joy when ur child (ren) went potty in the toilet, I know you'll understandy why I'm blogging about this.......For the the people who aren't parents, you'll understand when you have children how great these events are when ur child is a willing partisipant. Trinity, after taking a shower with me, got her potty seat, put it on the toilet, and went poop all by herself!!!! Note: I've been trying to potty train her for sometime now, and to have her (as a 2 y/o) do this on her own is a BIG deal!!! I'm so proud of my little girl!!! I love her so much Ok, that was the good news I had to share with everyone!!!

Thursday I stayed home from work because I was sick, thinking it was caused by my antidepressant, but in fact it was just stress and my nerves. I didn't wanna go to work either way, because of all the shit that's going on there, but at the same time I wanted to, just to get some experience training on my job. Anyways, it was also someones b-day that day and we went to celebrate it with their family. Well, Trinity ended up throwing up all over the kitchen floor, so my bf and his mom were helping me clean up the mess, while I cleaned her up. Then she threw up on an antique rocking couch, so I had to give her a bath while my bf and his mom cleaned that up.......Lets just say she ended up throwing up a few more times over there, so we had to leave. Friday I had an appointment with my psychitrist, and I got my Cymbalta updosed to 60 mg instead of 30 mg. Adam and I ended up getting into an argument (our personal issues), and he left to go visit his mom just to have some time away. I hate when Adam and I argue, it's mostly over silly shit, but this time is was serious. Things are great now (as far as I know of), but now he's sick with the same crap Trinity is still going through, only I told Adam I'd have a weak stomach cleaning up after him, if he threw up on our bed and sheets, or the floor. Adam understands that. Both of us didn;t get a whole lotta sleep, because either I was tossing and turning on his side of the bed, and he was up and out getting sick. So to help him keep his mind off of it, and so we could go to sleep, we stayed up and talked about the Army, money, eating habits, so on and so on. We didn't get back to sleep until I say 4 am. Then I finally slept good, until I was awaken by my daughter throwing up. This happened twice after that, and then she woke me up again with another problem (I'd rather not say, because it should be self explanitory on what happened besides throwing up), So all in all, I got fucked outta sleep as always, but it's ok, I have to tend to my daughter when she's sick, and now make sure Adam is ok enough to make it to the rest room. I feel so bad for the both of them, and I really hope I don't get it. I have to wait until my daughter takes a nap just so I can get what sleep that's much needed. At least I got her Pedealite Pops, gatorade, Adam got them 7 Up and Saltine crackers. But she's refusing the crackers, so I have to try to encourage her to eat them so she doesn't get anymore sick. Man I tired and a little hungry.

Ok, so I have this temp. government job at he DWS. It's basically clarical work. I'm not supposed to have my tattoos showing, my tongue piercing in, and I have to dress business/casual. I have a BIG problem with not being allowed to have my tongue piercing, because yesterday I had it out for most of the day, and it kinda closed up, so I was pissed off about that. About 15-20 minutes before I got off work, I asked one of the girls I work with if I could try to put it back in, because it was semi closed, and she said it was ok. So I kind pryed it in, and now it's in again. It's not offending anyone for one, and 2 why should I take out my piercing just to kiss ass? That's not me, so today, I left my bar in my mouth, and so far no one has said anything to me about it. I mean if I was playing with it and exposing it, I could see how it would offend people, but I'm not doing any of those, so hey, it stays. Today has been kinda lazy, so not much is going on. I helped staple papers together, highlight paper work, copied papers filled empty paper bins, and this and that. Now, I'm on my lunch break, and I have about 20 minutes left. Hopefully I get to go home early again. Tomorrow sux ass, because I have to get up extra early, get Trinty ready for day care, and have Adam take her, then I have to catch the bus at 7 am, and it's fuckin freezing ass cold at that time. Ok, enough about work. I talked to my oldest daughter last night, and all she said to me the most was that she's rather be here with Adam, Trinity and I than to be with her dad and his fiancee. It's heart breaking to hear her say those things, because the childrens father only has my oldest just to hurt me and use her against me in a lot of way. I miss my daughter so much, I hate not having her here with me. My girls are my life, and if I was to lose my youngest to that man, I'd go insane even more than I am. Other than that, my daughter is getting better from having strep throat and the flu, which is good, but she still has a raspy cough, just like Trinity still does. Anyways, I have 15 minutes left of lunch, so I'm done for now.

Yesterday was a very long day, and very tiring. We got out of th house on time for my 8 am appointment with my NP, just to see what kind of mental illness I'm really dealing with. Note: I was in a mental hospital in Ky, and there I was diagnosed with not only with Bi-Polar, but with PTSD, and I'm still suffering from PPD. But this time, more question were asked and another case was determined on what I'm really dealing with. BPD (boderline personality disorder) is the wrost depression known, and that's what I have. And according to my NP, she said that most antidepressants don't help that depression because it's that strong. But she is trying me on Cymbalta 30 mg and then after 7 days, she's is allowingme to have 60 mg for my antidepressant and I have to join group theropy, but also see my normal psychitrist for my situation. So that explains why I'm so depressed and down on myself with myself esteem and why I'm always thinking the unthinkable. I just wanna be a better mother for my daughters becasue they need me. I love them enough to go through this, just so I can handle my everyday life the way I ought to. Then at 3, I had an appointment/orientation for my temp job at the DWS/Welfare. I'm being trained to do clarical work, filing, and other stuff. I have to dress in casual/business clothes, so Adam took me clethes shopping and shoe shopping. We went to Meryvens, and the business clothes are bufugly. Then we tried Dillards, and they had bufugly and expensive clothes. So we went to Journey's and got me my first pair of Dr. Martens, and a pair of sexy black heals, but classy. Adam actually apporved of them, and the 3 guys that worked there said they looked good on me. Maybe that was sales compliments just to get us to buy them, but hey, I gottem and they're cute. Then we went to this "Plastics" clothes shop, and I found 2 cute pamts and blouses, but because I gained a lotta weight, I couldn't fit into my regular size. I was so pissed off, and ready to give up. Finally he suggested Ross, I agreed, only because that was my last hope. Adam and I found 2 cute women business suits, and that was it. No tattoos allowed to be shown or piercings, so I couldn't get these cute business dresses or skirts, because I have a tattoo on each leg, and I have to take my skull bar out of my mouth, which pisses me off, but oh well, I need to learn something other than being a mother and house keeper. Today was just a lazy day. I spent time with Trinity, an on Internet, not as much time with Adam as I wanted, but oh well, I can;t force him to be around me. We spent like maybe an hour or so doing silly things, but that's about it, besides eating together at the dinner table. I understand that he has to read his school books for homework and to study, but he's been pretty shady today. I'm not complaining too much because we all have our days. It's like 9:42 pm, and it feels later than that, and I'm freakin tired as hell. That's because of my Cymbalta and my Motrine. Ok, enough for now, I'm way too tired to think right now, and feeling like shit.