Ok, so here is the follow up on what's been going on. Regardless of mine and Adam's situation, things are better than after we he broke up with me. There is weird tention between the both of us, but to me, I see minor flirting between us still. I am wanting to get a job, that way I can get a place of my own, that way things aren't so weird if either of us was to find another person. I for one am not going to be looking and do not have the desire to look for anyone right now, because I still have hope that maybe he'll rethink things and wanna retry our relationship that I know deserves a chance longer than 2 months. He says no, but no one can honestly predict what the future hold (even if they say they know for sure, no, things and feeling ALWAYS change) He knows how I still feel about him, and who knows, maybe (that's a BIG maybe) my feelings for him might *kinda laughs at that "MIGHT"* change if his feelings change for the better for me. Who knows? I mean I can totally understand why not having me as his gf and still taking me to my appointments and such would be stressful, but honestly, nothing has changed. He's doing what he wanted to do in the first place, is to continue being a part of mine and Trinity's lives, help us out and still help take care of us to make sure things are good for us. Anyways, for those who are reading this and said in a since "I told you so, maybe you'll learn after this" Don't assume anything, because you never know, things for Adam and I could turn out again for the better and we'll work out for good. But there is that other senario, but for the record, I hate the "I told you so" shit, it pisses me off. It just shows that you're satisfied that I'm not with Adam relationship wise, and you think you might have a shot, well, you don't. Not to seem rude, but that's just life, and you move on. I may or may not end up back with Adam, but I know this, I'm staying here in Utah, and moving on with y life for the sake of my daughter well being and mine, not for the sake of Adam maybe comming back to me.
Ok, so that's the other part of the fill in. I was supposed to fly out back to Ca, because I did wanna get away from Adam, but hearing it from other people that it's smarter to stay here because of the medical situation and the fact that Trinity needs to stay in one damn state instead of bouncing her around just when I get mad, is in fact not a thing for me to continue doing to her. So I took those into consideration, and realized, leaving here would be rather selfish of me because it's me running away from all my emotional problems, and dragging my daughter with me. We have our dr's here, and dropping al that important help is a bad thing. What kind of mother am I setting myself out to be for my daughter if I just keep moving her around? She'd end up retaleating and even dispise me for moving her around so much if I was to continue moving her around like I have done. I had to make the smart and make sinceable decision, and that was to stay here in Utah for her sake and mine. Sure I was looking foward to being around my family (especially my mom) and friends again, and even my cat Skittles, but I know my family understands why I made this decision to stay here rather than to go back to Ca. Honestly, I have nothing but traumatizing memories in Ca, and it's too damn expensive to live there as a singel parent and no help but ur own, and what offeres I would have had from family and close family friends. Ca has nothing to offer me but hell, so I'd rather live here in a state where I have found hapiness and have gotton my shit together, than to go back and royal fuck my life and my daughter's life up because of my selfish wants and needs.
I'm going to lay off of Adam about trying to get him to be my bf again (even though it'd be easier if we did just get back together and stayed together), because it'll just end up in him resenting me and not wanting anything to do with me or my daughter, and the living situation will hopefully be kosher, because I don't want comfritation and drama between Adam and I in front of my daughter. He looks so sweet when he's sleeping. It makes me wanna lay down next to him and hold him close to me, but I have to resist and respect that we're not together anymore. It sucks, because I got so used to cuddling with him (in and out of bed), draping my arms around his neck and kissing him, all that great couples stuff, but to not being able to do that sucks ass, and I miss it and him. Anyways................. : (
