38953's blog: "JUST FOR FUN"

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lions jersey and carrying a little wiener dog that also has a Lions jersey on with a little Lions helmet too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game." The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave." The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the wiener dog jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?" The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years." ********************************* Collection Plate The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100 bill in the plate please stand up." A gay man stood up and said, "I did." The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!" ************************************* A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Ma am, the Crisco is in aisle 3." The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere" The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?" The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" "Lard ass.." ******************************************* A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-35 south, just outside of St. Paul. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, What happened? What's the hold Up? Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levin, Barney Frank, John Edwards, Andrew Young, Jimmy Carter, Cindy Sheehan, George Soros, John Murtha, Russ Feingold, David Durben, Al Franken, Rosie O'Donnell and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection. The driver asks, On average how much is everyone giving? About a gallon.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,they're dead." SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Medicare Problems The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? " The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. " He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide. You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safeties built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss this with some friends, over a latte, and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?" Wife: "You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist!"

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT

AT THE PEARLY GATES OF HEAVEN A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything during your lifetime on earth of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago."

THIS GUY IS FUNNY

GOTTA KEEP TAB'S ON THOSE BOB'S Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, and their sex life is becoming ho-hum, so for his birthday she surprises him, blindfolds him and when she removes the blindfold they step out of the cab, they are at the local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" He's fast on his feet: "I recognize her, she's also a daytime waitress at the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over h im and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Here are some malapropisms from the legendary quote master Yogi Berra. After reading these, you'll be more than convinced that he knew how to laugh at himself. "Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical." When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV: "He must have made that before he died." "If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em." "A nickel isn't worth a dime anymore." "The future ain't what it used to be." "There's nothing like a home opener, whether it's at home or on the road." "You can observe a lot just by watchin'." "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours." "Never answer an anonymous letter." "Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed. He's just naturally amphibious." "When you come to the fork in the road, take it." After a poor game: "I think they just got through marinating the greens." "We made too many wrong mistakes." "It's deja vu all over again." When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?" "I usually take a two hour nap from one to four." Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees' brawl in a nightclub: "Nobody did nothin' to nobody." "I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car." New York mayor Lindsay's wife, on a hot day: "You look nice and cool, Yogi." Yogi: "You don't look so hot yourself." For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to "Pair off in threes." Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" Yogi: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into four or eight slices: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight." Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company. A woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated. Yogi said, "No, ma'am, it's not even carbonated." After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it, and added, "Even the music was nice." "I never really said all those things I said." Yogi's son, Dale: "The similarities between me and my father are different." And his most famous quote of all. . . "It ain't over till it's over." Learn to laugh at yourself ---- It's the best therapy of all. Author Unknown (except for Yogi)