emotionalbypass's blog: "JUST AS I AM"

Wow, I did not think it was possibly but I am finding out that that it is so. I have had a clean house for the past two days now. No toys on the floor, no jackets on the floor No shoes all over the place, And not to mention no juice and sticky stuff on the Kitchen floor. I am proud of myself and my boys think we might have a new thing going. LOL But Have found out that I need to give them better lessons in using my microwave before they ruin the one I have. We have had to small fires in it in the last day and that is not good. However when my 5 yr old attempted to make a grill cheese sandwich on the stove he did a very good job with no problems. Of course Mommy standing there watching him to make sure we did not have an incident like we had with the microwave. We also made Homemade Brownies with Homemade food. I know when I was younger I loved to go to my Grandparents House just for the homemade cooking and since my boys don't have grandparents to do the homemade cooking for them I try to as much as I can. But anyways My son tells me tonight that I need to just do it in todays world and not worry about the homemade way cuz he thinks in todays world the food tastes better.LOL I could not help but laugh at that comment. I asked him Why he said that and he said well somethings just taste better coming out of the box then they do homemade. LOL So I asked him about Mac & Cheese And He was nice enough to tell me that it is better homemade then the box. Well other than cooking I have also been watching movies, and watching my boys ride there bikes and they even got to go on a couple of walks this weekend. So I have to say if you have not been able to catch me on here I am not ignoring no one I just been enjoying my precious and dear little ones while I can. They will only be little once and When there all grown up than that is it. Well I hope you all have had a Blessed and Safe weekend. And hope you all are ready for the new week.

SOMETHING I HAD TO DO FOR MYSELF(Tried to avoid it but couldn't) You were there for me when no one else was. You were there when everyone else gave up. When I had no place to go you gave me a place to stay. You introduced me to sugar water. lol Man I miss those times. You always knew the right thing to say and when to say it. When no one else could get a smile on my face you always brought the smile out of me. You always listed you always cared. There were times you put me before your girlfriend. There were times when she would get mad and jealous. We laughed together, We cried together, we yelled at each other, we screamed at each other. Hell there were times people thought we were married. I couldn't ever lie to you you always seen right through me and through my feelings you always knew when I was trying to cover up something or not wanting to talk about something. You and I we didn't just connect as friends or as best friends our bond was deeper. we were lovers at one time even though we had our relationships on the side. We could never bring ourselves to dating each other. Our love was like no other. You always said you would die at age 22. I always replied"don't say that you have a long life ahead of you" Man I miss you. Wish you could hold me now. Wish you could be here. Damit why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave me? My boys would have loved you. Some days I wonder if there will ever be another friend like you in my life? but then again I wonder if I will ever let anyone get that close to me again? You seen right through me.My own mom couldn't see the things you seen in me. and my husband today yeah he knows me But he don't always understand me like you did. You know I woke up the other night and thought I saw you? Some people would think I am crazy but the hell with them. You told me to always be strong. You told me to always hold my ground. Our friends use to tell us all the time I was too mouthy for as sweet as I was. You gave me my first cb handle. We use to play skunk and we would meet in the downtown square. Then I got pregnant with my first son back in 99 and you told me he would be just as much trouble as I was when he got older. Then I got married in 00 and you were upset you couldn't be there. Then three months went by and on Aug 15,2000 that was the day we were all amazed to find out the news. The park we use to hang out at alot. You had to drown in the pond. You will always be in my heart in my mind and in my thoughts 3 places no one not no one can take you away. I love you LVP always and forever. You will never be forgotten. The memories will last. And never be forgotten. Love APB That is the name you gave me in our skunk days.

What do you do when all else fails? What do you do when it seems you have no where to run? What do you do when you are up agianst all odds? Everyone dancing around you happy as can be. They all wearing the pretty little smiles and not showing that they are hurting too. You watch and listen when all you really want to do is scream and hollor out help me. What do you do ? You tell your friends that you are alright. And that you are doing good. But deep down inside it is hurting you. It is eating at you. You don't know what it is But you don't know how to find it out the root of it either. what do you do ? How do you cope? Is there any hope? The kids play and ride there bikes and there happy as long as you don't show that your hurting. They laugh and giggle all day long. They cuddle at night with you. But what do you do ? After there in bed all tucked in tight. Sleeping and off in dream land. It is suppose to be your time to relax and rethink the day. But all you can do is ask yourself why am I feeling this way/ Why can't I figure out the problem? After all I am suppose to know myself better than anyone else. What do you do ? There is yelling there is arguing there is all kinds of mixed emotions through out the day. How can you justify them all. How can you sort through them all. What do you do ? Is it normal to feel this way? You feel distant from the world. You feel distant from your family and you never thought it would be possible but you feel distant from your children most of all. Your friends may or may not show that they care. But even if they did show they cared you stay closed . What do you do? You know it is not healthy holdin these feelings inside. And you know that there is that Special somone that could get through to you and help you out. but he is not around. What do you do ? Where do you turn? How do you exscape the prison inside of yourself. You hear people say it is just a phaze you are going through and that it will pass with time. but you know that it is much deeper than that. You don't know why you don't know what you don't know when and you don't know what or where and you have to find out. What do you do ? It leaves you all mixed up inside one minute you laugh the next minute your crying the next your not even talking anymore. Your not even trying. What do you do ?

I Haven't written for awhile and really can't explain why. I just have a blank for words on to as what to write. I get like that sometimes. It's been raining all day here the last couple of days I will be glad when it stops and the new things grow seems how the old things are already washed away by the waters. Seen a Rainbow this afternoon that looked somewhat pretty. Along with all the puddles and the mud. If the kids would have not gotten sick I would have probably jumped in them with them. I am tired but yet I can't sleep. I toss and I turn and I just end up getting up again. Sometimes I get so sick of these restless nights. Other nights I don't mind it. No one ever tells you the truth about life how somedays it will seem like you won't be able to get through them and other days will be fine. Everyone wants to go on about there business like everything is alright but you know they are hurting deep down inside. You see people and you think to yourself that they have it all but really they don't have nothing just like you when it is all said and done. These are just random thoughts going through my head. Don't ask why? I just felt the need to right them down or did I? Oh well either way it is already said and done and in the past. Sometimes we feel so big to the world only to find out that the world is a small place after all. There will always be someone bigger and badder and bettter and stronger and we can not beat them all. But that is not to say that we should go without a fight. School Uniforms who heard of such a thing. They are enough to pull your kid out of school. What ever happen to the freedom of expression and you can still have a dress code with out the Uniforms. I hate seeing the kids wear the same thing everyday day in and day out. How are they suppose to define you they are as people? They have the teachers telling them what to wear and what to think? Why can't they damn teachers pay for the damn uniforms if they want the students to wear them? I never voted for that to pass. Okay so maybe it is just me, but I know that is not true cuz my son has asked the same thing and he is only 7 yrs old what is wrong with that picture. I can't explain these feelings or these thoughts they are just in my head pouring out through my fingertips and showing up on my screen. Why Oh Why must it be this way. Will it ever stop or will it just keep going on this cycle. The world is full of so many questions and maybe just maybe we never get our answers cuz we don't ask them in the right form. But who is to tell us the right form? That is just like the question why? It goes with no matter what you say and ends up being a never ending question. Well I am going to stop this thing now cuz you have better things to do instead of get into my head. Or try to figure out my thoughts out. It is just funny how one minute you have nothing to write and a whole bunch of nothing turns out into a blog. Imagine that.

There is at least one person on your list that wants to fuck the hell out of you. So lets play the fuck or Pass! game. The rules are simple... if you want to fuck the person who posts this, send them a "message" saying "yep, I'd Fuck you." SCARED? lol this sH!T's funny YOU HAVE TO RE-POST THIS!! and see who replies. There is at least one person on your list that wants to do u so!!! repost this as "Fuck or Pass" Don't be a bitch and not re-post it

I can never let that day go and out of my head. The nurse asked me if I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl. It plays over and over in my head just like it was yeasterday. I see you and I know you were not meant to be in this world with your brothers and I see your pretty face looking down and smiling each and everyday. I have a love for you and I will never let it go. I see your hands reaching there so tiny and so soft and I see your eyes just as beautiful as they could possibly be. I know you are healthy and your at peace. I know you wait till the day as much as I do to meet you at last. You are in my dreams and there is not a day that passes that I do not think about you. There are even days that I cry and do not understand why and then I see an image of you and I know why. I keep asking myself what would life be like if God would have let you be mine. I keep asking myself why did he have to take you after all that time. I keep playing the what if game like so many other moms do. I know what I would have named you and there is no doubt about it. Cuz in my thoughts and my dreams I do not need anyone to tell me what you would have been I know without a doubt. That you were my little girl that I always wanted. I see you day in and day out and I know you are waiting for the day that he finally lets us meet. I know that you are proud of the family you have yet to meet. Maybe I am crazy and if so well that is just me but I sometimes feel as though you are holding me instead of me holding you when I am weak and think I can not go on. I know you are in a better place than this life. This life here is so hard and cruel. But I know that you are in a peaceful and joyous place so I am not sad about that. IN LOVING MEMORY OF THE ONE THAT GOD SAID THAT I COULD NOT HAVE.