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Biker Chick's blog: "Just Stuff"

created on 10/06/2006  |  http://fubar.com/just-stuff/b10802
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN: - Your best friends are named after animals. - Your best shoes have steel toes. - You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. - Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire. - You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them. - You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer. - You’re only sunburned on the back of your hands. - You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet. - Any day you ride is a good day. - Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it. - Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket. - Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk. - Your garage has more square footage than your house. - Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines - You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars. - Any one of your bikes is worth more than your car. - You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike. - You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off. - Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement. - You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip. - You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home. - Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell . - All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild. - Your girl asks you if you can move the bike so she can watch the t.v. better - You had to borrow a helmet to take a girl for a ride on your bike around the block from the bar and hit every bump in the road. - You quit your job to go to Daytona. - You have your bike torn apart in your living room. - Sturgis is your dream vacation. - The plumber won't come back to replace the heater till you roll those damn bikes to the other end of the basement & drain the gas out of them so he can weld the pipes. - You know from painful experiance why you dont carry your wallet in your back pocket. - You call someone a wimp because they have a Blister on their thumb. - Return home from a long run & pass right by your house. - You think God invented winter so you can get the bike ready for Daytona. - You know how many teeth are on your rear sprocket & how much torque to use on your head bolts. - You started a BBQ with a welding torch. - You have a dog named Harley
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat. 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is accept! able to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.

WOW I have the greatest match with a young Judy Garland.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat" The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not HIM. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El- Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's "Pussy" doesn't stink any more, it's all clean and shaved, so now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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