I asked for strength, that I might achieve
I was made weak so that I learn how humbly to obey
I asked for help that I might do greater things
I was given infirmity so that I learn to do better things
I asked for riches that I might be happy
I was given poverty so that I learn to be wise
I asked for power that I might receive praise
I was given weakness so that I learn how to need
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life
I was given life so that I learn to enjoy all things
I got nothing that I asked for
but I received more than I knew existed
Almost despite myself
my unspoken prayers were answered
I among women am most richly blessed
~ author unknown ~
9-13-2009 MADE BY DJ PIMP DADDY
Thank you Daddy
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Day after day and night after night I sit here. Why am I consumed with this all encompassing sense of empty sadness? At night I can hear all the nocturnal sounds... crickets making their endless chirping – coyotes calling to each other – the horses making their habitual demands. I am surrounded by life but none which can touch me.
So, I sit and I wait. Eventually I allow my imagination to roam across the wall of my prison. I start at the far upper left corner of the wall and make a tracing pattern across to the opposite end. Then back again to the other side…. back and forth until the pattern is completed on each wall. The scrutiny of my eyes seek out each and every flaw to be uncovered.
Why do I look for flaws? I know there are flaws. I've seen them a million times over. Yet, here I sit waiting and watching and listening.
There is a door – an escape. I have traced the pattern of the door as often as I have traced the walls. I stare at this alien thing in my domain as though I expect someone to walk through the door. Perhaps a valiant rescue attempt. But no one ever appears.
There is an alternative action. All I need do is stand up and place my hand on the door knob. Open the door and walk to freedom. I look at the door and study the structure.
I ponder the thought of an existence on the other side of this phenomenal object that distracts my solitude. There are no obvious answers. Only fear of the unknown. Walls of solitude offer sanctuary. No harm is allowed within these confines.
At last my attention diverts from the door of freedom. A single teardrop makes a sudden appearance and falls on my hand as if to say don't do it. Don't touch that door of damnation. Once again I allow my imagination to roam across the wall of my prison.
I start at the far upper left corner of the wall and make a tracing pattern across to the opposite end. Then back again to the other side…. back and forth until the pattern is completed on each wall................
My mind permeates with deadly thoughts
More cursed than ancient lethal tortures
It is the way my mind works……
I cloak my heart with a woven crown of lilies
My thoughts scrimmage though lush foliage
And threadbare skin is slick with sweat
It glistens like an image without a mirror
Silent movement echoes each step silent
My body tensely poised to snap a recoil
Attuned to foreign sounds that abound
As pale lips form a deceitful smile
I gracefully move into fading light
And take up guard in my rightful place
My home called the shadowlands
Ancient kindred spirits call out to me
Tis spoken in an unspoken language
Passed along with the sound of the wind
They call out to me as I quietly pass by
I have no form and give no substance
Yet my body casts off patterns reflected
You come seeking my tribal legend
Aching desire for the touch of my flesh
Yearn for a kiss from my tender mouth
Expectations to feel the velvet wings
I have sealed the hooded doorway
Cast off the scent of your love
Turned away your sweet taste
Removed my image from you
Replaced my shredded heart
With merely a stemmed lily
Look no more in my dreams
This Lilly has a sour bitter sting
I take pleasure in dark of night
Show me a man's playful heart
And I will see only lustful betrayal
I promise decay, dust, and ashes
This Lilly now thrives on cruel sorrow
I thrust my cold hand into your chest
Rip out your heart and crush it down
This sweet Lilly has a gift from man
I place each carefully weeded talisman
Upon the stone cold Altar of Fate
Seduction is only a promised offering
Enter my Shadowlands if you dare
I am fragile hearted and live a life vested in my native spirituality. I am sitting here alone in my room a breeze enters in the window, music softly playing, as an ancient ceiling fan creaks in tune to the music. I, this imperfect girl, write this imperfect letter to you on imaginary imperfect paper. Yet here you are in my heart and in my mind. I know now that I love you.... I cannot imagine anything better than knowing that you care enough, are curious enough, or otherwise motivated enough to be here reading my words. You saw me and you stayed around to discover me. When everyone else saw me as a mystery you saw me as a gift -- a package to be slowly unwrapped one small layer at a time and your goal was to move closer to my heart. I take a deep breath and hope to be able to express my happiness at finding that you really do exist. When I look at you, I see a man who is strong yet fragile as me, intelligent, sense of humor, honorable, humble, kind, warm and tender, you are all these things. It is so easy to love you. As I fall asleep I always dream of you. The touch of your hand, your breath caressing my face, soft voice whispering in my ear, the warmth of your body letting me know that you are close by. From distant alien lands we found each other....
How does one gain some measure of immortality My lifes journey has taken me many exotic places And has taught me uncountable viable life lessons Some of my past actions mutated into wild monsters While other actions became stepping stones on my path I now know that death is an attainable inevitability The fame of virtue is as always unattainable immortal When once again the eternal fire burns on Sand Lake Listen to the wind and let its refuge bring you here
As I write this my heart is aching with pain and I think maybe I will never be able to write again. We used to spend every moment together. Now you simply disappear. At first I would get angry. Now I only feel a painful hurt. Last night I gave you a gift but you did not even take the time to look at it there was a deep burning hurt my heart. Again tonight you said you would be right back and never returned. I can understand once or twice but not every night. I will never let the hurt show on my face. Maybe only a single tear drop falling down my cheek will betray my feelings, give you a glimpse, a shadow, or a trace of my true thoughts. I want to smile as I look up at the sky. I want to watch the moon brighten the night. I want to watch the clouds pass above making whimsical designs. I want the stars to guide me and I want wings to lift me and let me fly. Right now I suffocate when I try to breathe. These chains you have bound upon me will not release my body. I am sad because you pursued me relentlessly and told me you wanted me. I am sad because I shared so many personal secrets and fears with you. I am sad that I do not really know you at all. I am sad because I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you or if we even had a relationship at all. I am sad because I will never know how you really felt about me. I am sad because I cannot remember our last happy moment. I am sad because now I have lost hold of all my dreams. I sit here and ponder about what will come next. My life seems to have stalled. I do not know when I will be able to trust again. When we first met it only took a second for you to say hello to me. Now I know you left and forgot to say goodbye. It would be better never to have met you in my dream only to wake and reach for hands that are not there.
Yes Forrest Life is Like a Box of Chocolates Forrest Gump's mother was right when she said life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you will get When I have a box of chocolates I do not immediately tear open the box. I will set it down and I will look at the box every time I walk past it. I will pick up the box and read every word printed on the box. I want some indication of what is inside the box. Finally, I will open the box and look at each piece of candy .sort of analyze each individual piece. Then I will put the lid back on the box and think about it some more. Next time I will look over the candy and pick one I think might be interesting. I take the tip of my finger and press on the top of the candy to see if I can tell anything about the selection. If it looks okay then I will take just a small bite of the candy. If I don't like what I find I will spit out the little morsel and throw away the offending piece. If I find a piece of candy that I do like I will eat it and be happy with it. This process is repeated over and over on each piece of candy. I do not eat all the candy in a hurry. I make the box last over a long period of time because we all know that one day this box of candy will be empty. Occasionally there is one surprise. I press on the top of the selected piece of candy and I discover that it's not like the others. I do the nibble test and am pleasantly surprised to find an exotic flavor. When I come across a rare unusual piece of candy I do not devour it. I eat very slowly. I want to enjoy the entire flavor and make it last as long as possible. I want this exotic taste to linger as long as humanly possible. It's a rare find and must be held apart from all the candies in the box. It is a symbol of all the good things yet to come and I want to hold onto this moment of exquisite pleasure. I live my life the same way I eat my box of chocolates.