Steve's blog: "Just Stuff"

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spa sms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries... All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 ' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Where do I start, I am 32, been married for the last 11 years, I have three kids, 13F, 9M, 7F. People have asked me lately where I am from and I have to be honest it feels like nowhere. I was raised in New Orleans, La. went to high school across the lake from N.O. and then I left and joined the Military. I spent four years in the Air Force. I spent time in Portugal and traveling around the world. After my departure with the Air Force I moved to Delaware. And spent time on the East Coast where I vowed I would never live. My wife brought on the desire; we started our family there and stayed there up until three years ago. The company I worked for moved me to Idaho and the middle of nowhere and spent two years there, I have now moved to Nebraska. However I have not had a chance to live there due to traveling requirements. So as you can see I am not really from anywhere. But if asked I grew up in the south. I have learned in my years that family is the most important thing in this world. My kids are my most prideful things. You can see my kids on my pics. I like to be challenged and in my friendship I enjoy conversations and getting to know and learn about people. I love you go to places and people watch. I can sit for hours and wonder what are they doing? What do they want out of life? Why are they here right now? What makes them seem sad, happy, laughing and so on? So I have the same feelings when I look around LC ( then Cherrytap, Now Fubar) at the people on here. Why here? What do they do? What are their lives like? Where do they live? Are the pics real? Is this who they say it is? Stuff like that. I tend to take charge of things, not pushy and will be more than happy to hand over the reins, but it just seems that people allow me to. I have a very commanding presence and can at times intimidate people. Once people get to know me they find more of whom I am and that I am very thoughtful and caring. I do not mean to come across and mean but at the same time I can be so to the point that people take it as mean. I normally tell it how it is. I am a very strategic thinker, and I love new ideas about things. Learning new things and how things work are both things I can do for hours. I am very much a Yankee baseball fan; I started liking them back in 96 when they were called the underdog. At the time I did not watch much if any baseball and really had no idea about payrolls or the history. But I liked the team and what they stood for. So I have followed them ever since. Yes I have been disappointed with their playoff results. My sister is my closest person in this world. She is six year older than me and while we were growing up she was always so much ahead of me. I took a different path than she did but in the last ten years our paths have caught up. Her and I now see things very similar and think a lot alike. She knows me better than any one else. I guess that is a big thing about me not many people truly know who I am or what I am about. I guess it really comes down to people don’t take the time to learn so I don’t care to share. But in trying to give people an idea of who I am I have to. She lets me know just how special a person I am and can be. So I guess you will just have to write me and find out if you want to take the time to know me. Like I said most people don’t care to take the time, so if that is you don’t bother. But remember it is your loss, I may be the greatest friend you ever have or the best person you have ever known.

Subject: Chili Cook Off > >If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope >for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this >slowly. > >If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third >judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know >how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time >Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at >the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster >named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL. > >Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to >the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other >two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, >besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I >accepted." > >Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > > >***************************************************** > > >CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild > >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames >out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > >***************************************************** > >CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... > > >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > >Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to >give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw >the look on my face >************************************************ > >CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > >Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like >I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more >beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in >the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer. > >***************************************************** > >CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... > >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or >other mild foods not much of a chili. > >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to >taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was >standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to >look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? > >***************************************************** >CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... > >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding >considerable kick. Very impressive. > >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I >can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili >had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring >beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. >It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. > >***************************************************** >CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... > >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of >spices and peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. >Superb. > >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that >Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow >cone. > >***************************************************** >CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing >uncontrollably. > >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen >anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my >stomach. > >***************************************************** >CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold >but spicy enough to declare its existence. > >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor >hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed >out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if >he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really >hot chili? > >Judge # 3 - No Report

I am looking for a picture of a middle finger. You know a gesture of the bird. I know I have seen pictures on here before like that. So to save myself time in trying to hunt them down I thought I would just put this out there. If you have one let me know. Thank you in advance for your help.

Where do I start, I am 30, been married for the last ten years, I have three kids, 12F, 7M, 6F. People have asked me lately where I am from and I have to be honest it feels like to nowhere. I was raised in New Orleans, La. High went to high school across the lake from N.O. and then I left and joined the Military. I spent four years in the Air Force. I spent time in Portugal and traveling around the world. After my departure with the Air Force I moved to Delaware. And spent time on the East Coast where I vowed I would never live. My wife brought on the desire; we started our family there and stayed there up until two years ago. The company I worked for moved me to Idaho and the middle of nowhere and spent two years there, I have now moved to Nebraska. However I have not had a chance to live there due to traveling requirements. So as you can see I am not really from anywhere. But if asked I grew up in the south. I have learned in my years that family is the most important thing in this world. My kids are my most prideful things. You can see my kids on my pics. I like to be challenged and in my friendship I enjoy conversations and getting to know and learn about people. I love you go to places and people watch. I can sit for hours and wonder what are they doing? What do they want out of life? Why are they here right now? What makes them seem sad, happy, laughing and so on? So I have the same feelings when I look around LC at the people on here. Why here? What do they do? What are their lives like? Where do they live? Are the pics real? Is this who they say it is? Stuff like that. I tend to take charge of things, Not pushy and will be more than happy to hand over the reins, but it just seems that people allow me to. I have a very commanding presence and can at times intimidate people. Once people get to know me they find more of whom I am and that I am very thoughtful and caring. I do not mean to come across and mean but at the same time I can be so to the point that people take it as mean. I normally tell it how it is. I am a very strategic thinker, and I love new ideas about things. Learning new things and how things work are both things I can do for hours. I am very much a Yankee baseball fan, I started liking them back in 96 when they were called the underdog. At the time I did not watch much if any baseball and really had no idea about payrolls or the history. But I liked them team and what they stood for. So I have followed them ever since. Yes I have been disappointed with their playoff results. My sister is my closest person in this world. She is six year older than me and while we were growing up she was always so much ahead of me. I took a different path than she did but in the last ten years our paths have caught up. Her and I now see things very similar and think a lot alike. She knows me better than any one else. I guess that is a big thing about me not many people truly know who I am or what I am about. I guess it really comes down to people don’t take the time to learn so I don’t care to share. But in trying to give people an idea of who I am I have to. She lets me know just how special a person I am and can be. So I guess you will just have to write me and find out if you want to take the time to know me. Like I said most people don’t care to take the time, so if that is you don’t bother. But remember it is your loss, I may be the greatest friend you ever have or the best person you have ever know.

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg THE PAOMNINEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the ! frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh!!

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If: 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE. You watched the >Pound Puppies. >3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Belair and can do the >Carlton. >4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy. >5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to >start a club of your own. >6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls. >7. You know that WOAH comes from Joey on Blossom > >8. Two words: Hammer Pants > >9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock > >10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes >or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect > >11. You can sing the entire theme song to DuckTales (Woo ooh!) > >12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. >13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. >14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big >screen...and still know the turtles names. >15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer >class at school. >16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt >in a knot on the side. >17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter,House) > >18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. >19. L.A. Gear....need I say more? >20. You wanted to change your name to JEM in Kindergarten.(She's truly >outrageous.) > >21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all the >Ramona books. >22. You know the profound meaning of WAX ON, WAX OFF > >23. You wanted to be a Goonie. >24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe) > >25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose >fell off and his cheeks shifted. >26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. >27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pailkids in >the schoolyard. >28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. >29. You still get the urge to NOT after every sentence. >30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts. >31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band. >32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up. >33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you >exchanged handmade friendship bracelets. >34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in >neon colors, too) > >35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying I know you >are, but what am I > >36. You remember I've fallen and I can't get up > >37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. >38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide > >39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. >40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds. >41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. >42. You remember Popples. >43. Don't worry, be happy >44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. >45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do... getting >yelled at by younger hip members of the family) 46. You remember boom >boxes. . and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all >that. >47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies. >48. You know what it meant to say Care Bear Stare!!" > >49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony 50. You >thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot. >51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac. >52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't >even flinch when people refer to them as NKOTB 53. You knew all the >characters names and their life stories on Saved By The Bell The >ORIGINAL class. >54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART. >55. You just sang those words to yourself. >56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. >57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better) > >58. You remember when mullets were cool! >59. You had a mullet! >60. You still sing "We are the World > >61. You tight rolled your jeans. >62. You owned a banana clip. >63. You remember Where's the Beef? > >64. You used to (and probably still do) say What you talkin' about Willis? > >65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it. >66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!