LadyIcedKatt's blog: "Journal...Life leading to/after gastric bypass"

I had my 2nd adjustment 2 weeks ago. I had not lost weight by the surgeon scale (I'd lost 1 pound at nutrionist office and another pound at family doctor office, aka 2 pounds in 2 weeks). I did loose a few ounces type thing but I don't count it if its not full pound. I did fine until after the shot was done. For some reason this time I started bleeding badly. The blood soaked an area about 3 inches long by 1 wide on my pants and shirt then started dripping. I was standing at the check out waiting and felt something wet and thought "Ok that's strange, the saline is leaking back out." No I have no idea why I would think that but I did rotflmao. So anywhoo I said to the nurse after I lifted shirt to check "Um I'm bleeding, bad." So they took me back to the office and there was several drops of blood on the floor. You could tell where I'd gotten off the table and walked over to the counter to look at the sample band and show Sue. They put a pressure bandage on it and it stopped bleeding purrty quickly. Don't know why I bled this time when nothing was done differently. Other then that the adjustment was uneventful other then a little bit of stress. I didn't have any problems doing the test drink. So 2 weeks later (yesterday) I went to the nutrionist again and weighed in. I lost 6 lbs. I'm down a total of 95 lbs now from my highest weight. I was surprised actually. I was expecting another stand still on the scale number. I don't really expect gains btw. Just no losses. Needless to say its starting to sink in that I'm getting really close to my first 100 lbs lost. Only 5 to go! Seems so unreal at times. Its taken forever but its happening :) I found out why your not supposed to drink fluids during and for 30 minutes after eating. I thought it was just cause it would work towards filling the pouch etc. Nope. What happens is the liquid helps push solids through past the band into the "normal" stomach. Can we say Katt had massive brain fartage with that lol. I was so embarassed. I was like dddaaaaahhh. Oh well. I'm learning. I also found out that the reason why meats n bread are now becoming hard to eat because they feel like they are too dry is because its letting me know the pouch is full! Not because the food is too dry lol. Another lesson learned. Its a bit hard to figure things out when you don't know to ask questions about this or that lol. So if you go to have the band put in, any kind of questions you have, be they strange or normal, ask. Get info. I have been asking questions as I think of them btw. Like I asked why does meat seem so dry when going down type thing etc. Tis why I'm learning details I've not run across in all my reasearching of the band. CuriosityKatt ;) I have to go back to surgeon on the 10th. I think I am going to go with the 3rd adjustment. I want to go as tight as I can so I can get more weight off. I'd like to loose 50 to 75 lbs the next year. Hopefully it will be a higher number but I'm trying to be realistic and set obtainable goals. They say to expect it to take 3 years to get the weight off with the band. My goal is to do it in 2. Considering I'm about 1/3+ of the way there already, I'm purrty sure I can do it. I had better anyway lol. A few weeks ago I started a xmas club account at my bank that automatically takes $ out of my pay each week and deposits it and I can't touch it until next Oct. What I'm going to do then is just take what I get this year and put it back into new club and vwahhhlaa. 2 years from now I should have the $ needed to take my vacation to Australia! Yep. That is going to be my big reward for getting this weight off. I'm going to go meet 3 very dear friends in Tazmania and visit 2 places in Australia. A dream I've had for many years. I WILL make it a reality :) More to be written later. PS. I hope everyone has a Happy, Healthy, Fun filled Holiday season. May you all be blessed with everything you deserve and want.

I've been getting so many people asking me what the band is etc I figured I'd go ahead and re-explain it in here. Please realize that I'm using my own terms for things and go with what I've researched and been told by surgeon. Different doctors may do things differently. You'll have to talk to your doctors for better information on what they do when etc etc etc. What I put is just a simple guide as well as showing what I have been through. Basically the band is kind of like a C clamp that goes around the top part of the tummy. There is a pouch type thing that lines the inside. As the band is sitting on top of stomach, a small portion of the tummy is folded over the band to hold it in place. Now the folding over part I've seen in some sites but not others. The inside of the "clamp" is lined and there is a line that runs from it to the skin. The portal as its called, sits under the skin (you can't see it but you can feel it when you tense tummy muscles). After surgery, you wait for a while and then the adjustments begin. Mine was done right in the doctors office (the adjustment). The doctor first numbed the area around where the portal is at (was a bit of a sting and then he moved it around injecting more numbing stuff. It felt a bit weird but didn't hurt too much.) After giving the numb agent a couple moments to work, he filled a larger syringe with saline. The needle for that one is about 4 inches or so and thicker. I was like OMG lol. But there was not much pain at all when he inserted it and the needle went into the portal so I only felt it at the beginning "punch" through. When he pulled the needle out, it felt like it was being pulled out of a stopper lol. If you've ever filled a syringe from a bottle, you'll know what I mean by the feel. The whole process only took maybe 10 minutes if that. After I was told to drink a couple swallows of water to see if I felt anything. I didn't. I had my first saline injection on October 1st. Boy was that an experience. I was scared to death. Danged near had a major anxiety attack lol. After words I felt rather foolish for my over reaction but hey, we all deal with fear our own ways don't we. I've had a rough couple days trying to readjust to food amounts again but I'll get there. I'm eating less and definitely going slower with chewing etc lol. My weight stayed the same after 1st check up until the adjustment. The doctor told me to expect that due to introducing regular food again. I hope to loose 14 pounds before I go back for the 2nd adjustment. I go October 29th. The reason I want to loose 14 pounds is because that will put me at my first 100 pounds lost total. I'd lost all but 18 pounds of that before surgery. I've been dealing with some painful pressure when I eat at times. I've been driven to tears its been so bad. So I'm working on realizing when I feel full. More often then not I don't feel full until after I am done with the meal and thats when the pressure begins. Sometimes its felt like the band was being shoved up through to my throat lol. I think the worst experience I had tho was the night I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I'd gotten a fountain drink. Now I get soda occasionally but its always diet and I flatten it so the carbonation is almost totally gone (flat soda ick lol). I only drink diet drinks now. Anywhoo, that day, I was dieing for a mountain dew. I hadn't had one in a couple to few months. I'd had a pepsi before that and did fine. However, with the fountain drink I got a straw. BIG mistake! HUGE! I was in agony. I couldn't figure it out at first. I was like I'm sipping slowly, its been over an hour since I'd eaten, the soda is flat, why am I hurting so bad! Then I saw the straw. I was omg that's why. I'd forgotten that your not to use straws. The nutrionist warned me that the first time you forget, you definitely won't forget after that. Boy was she right! Drinking from straws puts too much air in the tummy. I knew going into this that it was going to be hard and I'd have times of suffering physically, mentally and emotionally. I have had a time of saying (only slightly serious btw) of omg surgery was a mistake lol. No matter what happens, I'd still do it again. Some of the things I intend to start getting into is receipes for stuff I like as well as tasty low fat etc etc etc foods. Most things I will put will be quick stuff. Easy to do type things. If anyone wants to know other things, feel free to contact me. My goal here is to help people but can't help if ya'll won't let me know what you'd like to know lol. More to be written later.

Ok so I've said before I was going to do pictures. I've got some of me in '06 and some with surgery time frame. This is actually going to be the hardest entry I've done yet. Granted I'm brutally honest about being fat. Obviously or I wouldn't be doing this journal. But it is easier to talk then then show because I have a massive hang up about how I look. In my mind, no picture of me looks good anymore. Yes I know its a hang up I need to get over and I will. I am working on thinking good about myself and knowing that I can be pretty and that it is ok for me to think good about myself. But even as I bitch and moan to one of my dearest friends about doing this, its like he said, I wouldn't be true to myself if I DIDN'T do this. Hopefully as time goes on it will be easier for me to put pictures in here to show my progress. So here I go biting the bullet and posting links to pictures. Being honest here, its got my stomach churning and eyes tearing up in anxiety. That's how hard this is lol. Silly me. I know. The first 2 are the only shots I have of my full body. Taken back in '06 http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt061.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt065.jpg These next 2 are a couple from same day as the full body but just top half. http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt063.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt062.jpg This next one is same day as those above but showing my feet (wanted to show off new shoes lol they were my first "girly" pair of shoes in ages and I still have them. I wear them all the time. I will soon get pictures of me with them on again to show the difference in how much smaller my feet have gotten since that day). A little product hit that I don't do but "SAS tripad comfort" shoes are the best I've had. The only shoe's I've got that have lasted more then a few months with just about daily wear. Being a big purrson tends to wear shoe soles out quickly. I've gotten my $70 back many times over both in comfort and it keeping my back from killing me (when my shoe soles break down, my back sends me into so much pain I can hardly walk). I've had these sandals for about 2 years now and they've held up awesomely. http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt064.jpg This next one is day of surgery when I was recovered and put back in my room. Obviously my belly is still bloated from the gas they used to create space to work in. I didn't think to get get straight belly shot before surgery tho. My bad. http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/DayofSurgery8-19-08.jpg Now the next few are 5 days after surgery. http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Day5e.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Day5d.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Day5c.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Day5b.jpg This shot is a month or 2 before surgery. Wanted to show a bit of a better one lol. http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/Katt7-08.jpg These 2 shots are tonight (3 weeks after surgery). http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/9-14-081.jpg http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk32/WyldFyreKatt/Family%20Friends%20and%20Me/9-14-082.jpg For those that may forget or not know, I'm 5' 11", my highest weight was 438 to 440 (I round up to 440 as I am not sure if I gained anymore after that final weight gain spurt). At last weigh in (2 week check up after surgery) I was down to 352. I lost 18 pounds in 2 weeks after surgery. So there ya have it. Ya'll finally get to see the real purrson behind the insanity. What you see is Crystal. What you read is Katt. Now I want to get to be CrystalKatt aka Crystal who feels as alive as Katt does when talking and pestering my internet friends. The true me. More to be written later.

I saw the surgeon today. I've lost 18 pounds since surgery 2 weeks ago. People have been telling me the last couple to few days that they are seeing a difference. Apparently its most noticeable in my face. It dawned on me today that from my highest weight of almost 440 (I was like 438 or 439, not sure if I gained any after that but I don't think I did). Anyway it dawned on me that I am getting very close to having lost 100 pounds total. I am allowed to go back to normal activity (as tolerated type thing). I can even start back to work tomorrow (the 4th). I'm going to call work tho and see if they will let me take the next 2 days off and then use 1 week vacation and then for 2 weeks after that use a week vacation as 4 hours a day. I need some time to build my strength back up and get into the swing of things. I've been off work for almost a year. 9-11 will be 1 year since I worked. So yea, I'm hoping I can ease into things. I said in entry 52 I would give stage 3 diet. Most of it is the same just some changes that I'll list that way this one isn't a huge list again. For the next 2 weeks I'm to follow stage 3 and begin introducing "normal" foods 1 at a time. I of course have to watch portions. Stage 3 has: From Veggie group 2 servings (same as 2). From Fruit group 2 servings (same as 2) From Milk group 4 servings (same as 2) From Starch group 3 servings (1 more then 2) From Meat group 4 servings (same as 2) From Fat group 2 servings (same as 2) So in other words diet is almost the exact same except for the fact that there is 1 more starch serving and I can start working towards solid foods. I have to write what I eat for 3 days before I see Nutrionist so she can calculate what I'm getting calorie wise etc. Its been a bit tough not being able to eat normal foods. Specially when living in a house full of people that are healthy weights or only a little bit heavy. But its showing me I have more will power then I thought I would have. I'm just going to go insane wanting a TACO!!!! More to be written later.

Its been a week full of ups and downs emotionally but I'm healing good physically. I'm going through the issue of missing foods now. I know its only for a couple/few months or so but its still a pita when all around you everyones eating what your craving. Oh well, I gotta do what I gotta do. I just wish the foul moods would stop. I've been cranky a lot cause its so stressful in this house. Does not make a pleasant recovery or ease things when adjusting to such drastic diet changes. So I'm on whats called stage 2 diet. Heres a break down of what I'm allowed. Fair warning this is one of my long ones but this time its due to showing samples of what I'm allowed to eat etc, not my normal babblings. 4 cups of water or other sugar-free beverage each day, to be drank only between meals. Allowed things like the sugar free popcicles etc between meals too. 4 small meals a day. Must have 2 children's chewable vitamins. The vitamins are important because of the fact this diet does not give you calories, protein, vitamins or minerals. Its to be followed for up to 4 weeks after surgery. I see the surgeon on the 3rd so it may change up to stage 3 (lapband procedures go quicker then the actual bypass). The diet is very similar for both, but the lapband moves through it all a LOT faster. The tips add that all food must be blended until smooth and your to strain for parts that did not blend. You can season to taste but may want to avoid spicy food (THANK GODDESS I tolerate spice so far. I use garlic and hot sauce a lot because I'm so sick of bland food lol). Beside the samples in ( ) are my thoughts on that food lol. From the Milk group, 4 servings a day. Samples are 1/2 cup skim or 1% low-fat milk (I do the 1%, if I have to do skim, I wont drink milk). 1/2 cup low-fat, lactaid milk (ick no way), 2 tablespoon nonfat dry milk powder (FORGET THAT, dry milk makes me gag), 1/2 cup sugar-free, low-fat or non fat yogurt with fruit pieces removed (I like blueberry), or 1/2 cup sugar-free pudding (can we say chocolate pudding burn out after 3 days but I'm starting to want it again lol). From the veggie group, 2 servings a day. Samples are 1/2 cup veggie juice (like v8, tomato etc, I do the v8 type, yum and makes it easier to take my pills using the v8), 1/4 cup blended veggies such as asparagus (gag), beets (meh, tolerable), carrots (if cooked right), eggplant (forget it), veggie soup (meh boring but ok), greens (wth is that?), spinach (I used to like trying to be popeye but has to have vinegar or forget it), tomato sauce (yum), zucchini (forget it) and green beans (if they are french cut, yum). From the fruit group, 2 servings a day. This group is a good source of vitamins, minerals and fiber. Samples are 1/2 cup diluted, unsweetened fruit juice (I do orange juice, kind of icky watered down but its tolerable), 1/4 cup blended, unsweetened fruit or 1/2 jar strained baby food stage 1 (I have not had freshly blended fruit yet and have been putting off the baby food sue got me as I hate pears and banana puree does not appeal). You have to be careful of doing full strenth fruit juice because it can cause dumping syndrome. Your also to avoid strained fruit desserts and junior or toddler foods. From the starch group, 2 servings. This group is good source of energy, b vitamins and iron if fortified. Samples are 1/2 cup blended soup of any kind (meh some are ok if spiced with hot sauce and or garlic now), 1/2 cup cooked cereals such as cream of wheat (yuk), cream of rice (gag), oatmeal (a couple bites of fruit flavored but I still haven't eaten any) or grits (blah), 1/4 cup blended starch veggies like creamed corn (meh), winter squash (no way), mashed potatos (a daily staple now), sweet potato (no way, I gag), and peas (yum). From the meat group, 4 servings. This group is a good source of protein, energy, b vitamins and iron. Samples are 1/2 small jar strained baby food plain meats (I actually like beef, chicken and turkey, tastes weird only in the sense of how its pureed), 1/4 cup egg substitute (not bad), 1/4 cup blended low-fat cottage cheese (I love cottage cheese), 1 tablespoon smooth peanut butter (yum), 1/4 cup water packed tuna blended (yum normal but haven't tried blended yet), 1/4 cup/1 ounce cooked blended meats such as beef, fish, turkey, chicken, pork, veal, yummers to all other then haven't had any yet blended). Small amounts of fat-free gravy or broth can be added for flavor (I'm big time burned out on broth as I was drinking it the first couple days and do broth as a soup). From the fat group, 2 servings. Samples are 1 teaspoon regular margarine or oil (I like olive oil), 2 teaspoons diet margarine (haven't tried), 1 tablespoon low-fat mayonnaise or salad dressing (haven't tried). Needless to say this diet is rather bland but what I'll eat is ok. I'm just burned out and its only been a week lol. I want crunchy fooooooood. Oh well, one day I'll get my taco :) I'm having a bit of trouble coping with portions. I don't go over, I just realized writing this that I am actually not getting enough of a couple groups. Mainly the meat group. I've already been told by my aunt and sue that it looks like I'm loosing weight already. I think its just the deflating of my tummy from the gas (it took a couple/few days) but guess I'll find out on the 3rd if they are right. I'll share stage 3 diet soon (next step). I also intend to get a bit more into emotional issues, physical issues, will have pictures of what tummy looked like day of surgery, day 5 after and more then likely (if I can get the nerve to actually do it) full body shot pictures of me from a couple years ago as well as recent. The pictures is hard for me but I figure it may bring things more home for people as well as show before and after type things. More to be written later.

Well its finally over with. I had the lapband put in on the 19th. Everything went good. I'm recovering good. Still a bit sore but I'm up and about almost normally. I feel so much different since I got it done. Not physically, mentally. I've got a ways to go but I feel like I've changed. A bit hard to explain but its a good thing. I have 5 small cuts on tummy. I don't really feel the band much but its not been "inflated" yet. 6 weeks is when surgeon will start putting the saline in the little pouches so it will start restricting food intake. I'm eating (well mainly drinking) soft foods like pudding and soups. I'm on stage 2 diet. When I see surgeon on the 3rd, I may be moved onto stage 3 which is where I'll be allowed to take regular foods and blenderize them so they are soft. Sue and I are going to come up with different ways to follow diet but make foods a bit more interesting. I'm doing mostly bland stuff. I haven't really felt hungry yet but I'm also sipping a lot of water and doing 3 small meals (if you want to call eating some fat free, sugar free pudding and brother with couple crackers meal lol). I'm still having a hard time with the multi time a day eating but its getting a bit easier. Lady that was in same room with me had the actual gastric bypass done right before me (like couple hours) and I told her I was doing this journal and when we exchanged numbers, I asked her if she'd be willing to talk with me about what all she's going through etc and she said she would. So hopefully we keep in touch and I can use her to help show the difference between the 2 ways. Well getting tired so gonna have to stop. I'll try to give more details on what I've gone through so far etc over the next few days so hopefully won't have long books but frequent chapters lol More to be written later.

2 days left till surgery. I've been struggling with a lot of emotions. I've tried several times to make myself update this but my mind just wants to jump like rabbits. For a few days I even had incessant chattering going on in my brain that was driving me mad! Thank Goddess for Bill and Sue. They helped get that slowed down. BTW by the incessant chatter I mean I couldn't stop thinking and wondering about anything and everything and it was to the point I couldn't even rest right. Between the stress of everything thats going on here and concerns over surgery and after thoughts, I'm turning into someone far from my normal me. It worries me. Heck what ISN'T worrying me lately. Seems every one of my dearest friends have something going on, anywhere from roommate's issues to online family thats got health problems. I know for the most part I can't do anything other then send up prayers and try to be there for them when then need to vent. I'm sucking at that big time lately tho. I just can't help but worry. I want the best for those I care about. Well I want the best for everyone but I can't worry about the whole dang world (although lately it seems like I am lol). When I started the process 2 years, 2 months ago to get this done, I knew I was going to go through hell. I've been preparing myself for it the whole time. Also preparing myself to expect the unexpected. I never thought that not only would I have the surgery concerns but also a lot of hard hitting purrsonal issues that would take me to my limits. Just has me sitting here going "WOW Its a wonder I've not been put back into F5" (nut ward). For the first time I've had some doubts as to if I'm doing the right thing. Logically I know its the stress but I've had the thoughts of post-poning the surgery. I won't, but the thoughts been there. I keep getting told by my online family/friends that I need to relax and chill. I shouldn't be having to deal with so much when I'm getting ready to go under the knife. I agree. I just can't stop whats going on. The Goddess is definitely testing my strength of will and I'm quite sure the strength of endurance to deal with me for a few of my friends. I've been so bitchy, whiney, crabassy, frustrated and just plain crazy its a wonder a couple of them haven't said fuck off till I'm normal again. Shows me who's true to me tho. :) I'mma lucky Katt. I know I may continue to drive them insane with my out of control emotions and extreme moods but I know who'll stand no matter what with me and I'll NEVER forget that. I hope the Goddess blesses them big time. Definitely takes a strong group of people caring a hell of a lot to help someone pull through this surgery thing. If you or anyone you know is gonna go through this, have patience! Hopefully those heading for the surgery aren't going through what I am and won't be so wacky. But if they are, image the turmoil they have to be going through. They are giving up a part of their life. Between some things Sue and Bill told me a few days ago, I've come to realize some of why this is so hard emotionally on me. I've used the weight to keep people away. I protect myself from being hurt, again. I get the weight off, I'm gonna be seen for me because I won't be able to hide behind it anymore. Its been a way to keep people from loving me. Or so I thought anyway. It took a while for some but they saw past my subconscious hiding. Thank Goddess they did. Well seeing as this is a book already, I will either cut this off or do a 2nd section. Sue, Bill, Michelle, Michele, Wendy, Kim.... THANK YOU. Thankies to everyone and anyone not mentioned but those listed have been here mostest for me recently. More to be written later.

Sure has been an insane time for me lately. My brother came to stay for 2 weeks. It was supposed to be 11 days but he wanted to go home Monday instead of Friday so it went 2 weeks. I was tickled pink! We mended some wounds that have bothered me for quite a long time. Time will tell if he will come again to visit but he said in front of Aunt Liz that he does want to. I'm really happy about that. Of course I been stressing over waiting. And waiting. And waiting. No insurance to surgeon office updates every time I called. Then things around here got BAD. Shane, Sue's youngest son was almost killed in a motorcycle accident a week ago. He is a mess. But luckily he was so healthy that he is improving faster then doctors thought he could. He's had 4 or 5 surgeries so far repairing the damage. Due to having to take care of the animals here, then Dylyn the 3 yr old grandson Sue was added to the picture, I haven't been able to go to Pittsburgh to help them and its tearing me up. His idiot mother decided she wanted to commit suicide for the 10th or so time since I've been living here (3 years next month). She's an attention has to be completely on her type and did it just because no one was pitying her anymore IMO. I'm not making light of that so please don't think I am, I've tried to commit suicide myself and spent years wanting death. I'd NEVER make light of it for anyone. I'm just sick to death of every time something goes wrong with someone else, she has to try suicide. Literally. I'm not blowing that out of purrportion. She just doesn't want to die because she always makes sure someone is going to find her before she bleeds out. She's always causing drama in this household and this was the final straw. I sat there and watched her promise her son when he said "Mommy don't go to hospital." She told him she wouldn't. Left and a couple hours later we got the call. She's done it so many times now that her 3 yr old knows when she's going to do it!!!! We are all soooooo stressed its tearing us all down. Anywhoo theres other miner things going on but obviously the last week has been a literal hell time for everyone in this house. Sue and Coley have been in Pittsburgh since Shane was life flighted there. Even the animals are not their normal selves. Thank Goddess Siera and Bubba came to stay with me to help me take care of Dylyn and the 3 dogs or I'd of lost it totally. So, you may be asking "What the heck does that have to do with gastric bypass journey?" I'm a stress eater. When I stress I eat and eat till I make myself sick. This time frame is so stressful on me I've actually, for the first time since '91 or '92 slammed my fist sides into a wall once and counter twice full force. My fists were clenched so tightly, every knuckle hurt for days as did my forearm. However..... Even tho I have had a couple times of eating a lot, for the most part I'm NOT eating like I would have 5 years ago. I've made some major strides in controlling my stress eating if I do say so myself! Its mainly been a sweets craving. Its not easy at times but I tell myself to watch it and just try to think of the fact that stress eating is part of why I got this fat. Not once during all of this have I gotten the out of control, shove food down my throat till I can't shove no more mental anquish feeling. That used to drive me insane. I couldn't control it when that feeling hit. I think this is a sign that not matter what happens to me after surgery, I'll not gain the weight back. I've learned to control my out of control self and I KNOW I will make it finally. Yea I'll slip but I know slips are ok as long as they are controlled. I'm gonna make it. Did I happen to mention that I got a call yesterday (the 24th) that ends with me having SURGERY ON AUGUST 19th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its going through! Its official! The date is set and theres no turning back. I still can't believe it lol. I've been waiting for sooo long! It will be 2 years, 2 months since I started trying to get this done next month (NOT including the 6 to 8 months I've tried to get it through the VA Hospital). A couple silly facts. The 23rd was Siera's birthday. Today (25th) is Coley's birthday. I think their birthdays brought me some luck because the call came in the day in between lmao. Also August 21st is my 38th birthday so I'm having surgery 2 days before lol. I'm gonna call this the Lucky Birthday Time lol. So anywhoo, I have to get some testing done that had to wait for the date to be set and get with the nutrionist within the next 2 weeks. Then things will get interesting. I'll more then likely be writing a lot more often so ya'll can follow what happens etc. 26 days and counting. My 38th year is going to be one hell of a year! I'm gonna make it. I'm so excited I'm as wiggly as a kitten about to pounce lol. I'm also scared to death lol. Thank you to EVERYONE thats been supporting me and sending out prayers etc. They've finally been answered! Wrap your arms around your waists and squeeeeeze hard. Thats a hug from me since I can't give most of you one in purrson. More to be written later.

I came across this in saved files. I'd forgotten I'd wrote it during my 2 month absence from the internet. The vision is a dream I'd actually had. Rough time frame of this writing is Oct 2007. Not sure if it should go in journal yet. (((((UPDATE...I decided to go ahead and make this an official entry))))) Have you ever felt like theres a void in your life thats being fulfilled yet you still feel that void as painfully as ever? I am not sure exactly how to explain how I feel but its like something is being added to the void I've had for a very long time. But the void is there, ever present. I wonder if it will ever fill and leave me whole. Complete. Truly Me. Someone has been calling to me for quite a while via astral. Someone I know. Yet don't. I seek answers to things I doubt I will find until I go to the Goddess. I've asked so many times for the empty to be filled. For the loneliness that never leaves to fade away. Yet deep down, I know it may never be. Not in this life time. I've known for a few years that I'll not be with my Alpha Soul Mate. I've known for many years, I'll die alone. Sometimes I hope and beseech the Goddess to let me be wrong with that knowledge. But its rare, it seems, that I am wrong when it comes to my instincts. Maybe the void I live with will fill at my passing. So my next life will be fulfilling. One can only hope. I wonder how I will think and feel about things when I've reached the final stage in my surgery process. Will I feel the same emptiness that plaques me now? Will I be overwhelmed with emotions I've never felt? How will I change as a purrson? I pray the Goddess will not let it change my essential being other then to bring more joy and fun. I see myself one day standing nearly naked on the edge of a cliff. A raging river below, heavy forested mountains surrounding. The wind swirling about me harshly. Yet comforting. A storm brewing. Swiftly moving closer. I reach into a box or a bag and pull out a handful of ash. As I clutch the ashes to my chest, I call out for forgiveness for my foolishness of my past. Then let my hands fly swiftly from my body, releasing the ashes as the wind whips so hard, it nearly tumbles me. I reach again for another handful of ash and again press it to my heart. As this time I again throw the ash to the wind, I cry out for peace. Then I empty the container with the last of the ash and cry out for wholeness. I then start crying. As the tears start streaming down my face, the rain begins to fall. Lightening strikes and thunder rolls. The wind whips my air about me fiercely even as the heavy rain plasters it to my body. I raise my arms, lift my face up to the sky and smile as the rain drenches me. Washing away the pain I've lived with for so long. I twirl in this stance, my smile growing wider each circle. Then I am climbing down to the river's edge and step knee to waist deep in the frothy water. I sink to my knees and briefly under the water. I use handfuls of sand to scrub my entire body until it is red. I then dunk under the water again and let the sand fade off me. As I am stepping from the cold water, I feel as if a new me has arrived. Those ashes..... Everything from my past that I've burned. Making way for the true me to come out and play. I wish I could walk into the arms of the one that stands in the shadows. Ever present and always felt but never fully seen. But that was not seen at this point. Who knows.... Maybe the future will be different when this vision comes true. I know the release will. I promise myself to make it happen.

Its been 3 weeks today since I saw the surgeon. I didn't hear anything by Friday. I called the surgeon's office this morning and there was still no word *sighs*. Guess I'm in for more waiting BLAH! My brother showed up today. I found out with his health problems he has to do 3 specific exercises daily. I am going to start taking walks with him (20 minutes, I think I can survive that as long as the heat doesn't bite me in the butt lol) so I'll start getting some minor exercise done. Hopefully by the time he goes back home it will be a habit for me. I need to do it anyway. Since I've been off work I've not been walking around no where near as much as I should (bad me, I know). I've been hearing that people that have had the surgery get far more active quickly. I was watching some TV with Chuckie earlier and they were about amusement parks like Dollywood. I think I'd like to make a goal of next summer having enough weight off to go to a place like that. Roller coaster rides are the bomb! I haven't been on one in so many years tho. Water slides too. Those are great fun (from memory), minus the massive wedgies from hell rotflmao. NOTHING more interesting then picking your swim suit and shorts outta your tushie in front of a bunch of people. Hmm, I wonder what other activities I could get back into and when. The future holds many mysteries for me. Now to just get this blasted waiting time over with! Oh yea, that last remark about waiting.... That was for you readers. I got a letter today in the mail. I got approved for the surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!! More to be written later! (will update again in a day or 2 when I get things sorted through as to surgery date etc)