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MONDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
****************************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Gender Gap
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
****************************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
THE TAXIDERMIST
A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!" ****************************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Dog vs. Fox
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.
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Contraband Viagra
A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it -- my wife isn't."
****************************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Blonde Cruise
A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5."
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
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Coming From All Directions
A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming, and I knew you were the only one with brakes."
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His Holy Crossword
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
****************************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Blonde's Helicopter Lesson
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
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Get in Line
A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.
The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
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Gloves for His Love
A young man goes to the department store to pick out a pair of gloves for his sweetheart. He is accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, who purchases a pair of panties. Unfortunately, the bags get mixed up, and the man ends up sending his sweetheart the pair of panties, along with this heartfelt note:
"Dearest Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. Your sister was very insistent that the shorter fashions are easiest to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the salesgirl showed me a pair that she's been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. When she tried them on for me, she really quite smart.
The salesgirl recommends that you blow in them when you take them off as they will naturally be a little damp. Also, be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.
I wish I could put them on you for the first time, but no doubt, other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. Regardless, I'm sure all who see you in these will have great admiration for my excellent taste and your fine looks."
MONDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
8. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
9. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
10. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
****************************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
11. Your kids are eating candy morning, noon, and night.
12. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
13. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
14. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
15. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
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You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
16. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
17. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
18. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
19. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
20. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
21. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
22. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
23. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
24. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
25. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
26. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
27. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & dI, will TTYL".
28. You type faster than you think.
29. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
30. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!" ****************************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
31. You double click your TV remote.
32. You can now type over 70 wpm.
33. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
34. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading
35. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
36. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
37. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
38. You start introducing yourself as "jim at net dot com"
39. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a WWW site address on TV
40. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
41. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
42. All of your friends have an @ in their name.
43. When looking at a web page full of somebody else's links, you notice that all of them are hilighted in purple.
44. Your dog has its own home page.
45. You cant call your mother ...she doesn't have a modem.
****************************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
46. You check your e-mail. it says "no new messages"...so you check again.
47. Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.
48. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
49. You dont kno wthe sex of 3 of your closest friends., because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
50. Your husband tells you that he has had a beard for 2 months.
51. You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom & stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
52. You tell the kids they cant use the computer because "Daddy'd got work to do" - even though you dont have a job.
53. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built in key-board & mouse.
54. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
55. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
56. You never have have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ..because you never log off.
57. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF
58. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ..so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
59. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road your first instinct is to search for the 'back button'
60. You turn off your modem & get this awful empty feeling, likeyou just pulled the plug on a loved one.
****************************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
THE MAGICAL FROG
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
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GENIE IN A BOTTLE
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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THE TWO SCOTTISH NUNS
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
****************************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
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Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?" Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
MONDAY'S JOKE
Top 10 Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
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The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
******************************************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
HOT OLD COUPLE ON A FENCE
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric. ******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Gator Bite
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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Sexy Lincoln
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Beer Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
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Karate Chop
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."-------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
A Man Is a Person Who...
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her. * A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad. * A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her and she gets mad - says, "Now what are you mad about?" * A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad., and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" - and she says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
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Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
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Top 10 Reasons Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because damnit... you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still be enjoying candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the number one reason: 1) You can do the whole neighborhood
WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
The Benefits Of Being Female
1. You can get rid of leg hair without pretending that you do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs. 2. You absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of your sexuality. 3. When you buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad. 4. You can use cosmetics should you wake up looking like something the cat dragged in. 5. You can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'little woman syndrome' 6. You don't have to get your strength up between sessions ... and it's much easier for you to get laid in the first place. 7. You can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts. 8. You never ejaculate prematurely. 9. You can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 10. You get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when you blow up your computers. 11. We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games. 12. We got off the Titanic first. 13. Your boyfriend's clothes make you look elfin and gorgeous - Guys look like complete dicks in girls. 14. You have total control over our eyebrows. 15. You can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 16. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy. 17. You can cry and get off speeding fines. 18. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool...and football. 19. You live longer, so you can be cantankerous old biddies. Wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...men die earlier so you get to cash in on the life insurance. 20. We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals. 21. Taxis stop for you. 22. You get drunk quicker and cheaper. 23. You have no desire to arrange your possessions in alphabetical order. Ever. 24. You've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 25. It does not enhance your social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But you look INCREDIBLY cool if you do. 26. We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever. 27. You don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
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Benefits Of Being A Guy
1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds 2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes 3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase 4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter 5. You can open all your own jars 6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight 7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying 8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go 9. You can go to the bathroom alone 10. Your last name stays put 11. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade 12. You can kill your own food 13. The garage is all yours 14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment" 16. Cleaning the toilet is optional 17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes 18. Wedding plans take care of themselves 19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend 20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3 21. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry 22. You don't have to shave below your neck 23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night 24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices 25. Chocolate is just another snack 26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat 27. Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything 28. You never have to worry about other's feelings 29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think 31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day (women now can in Ontario) 32. Car mechanics tell you the truth 33. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut 34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me" 35. One mood, all the time 36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him 37. Gray hair and wrinkles add character 38. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks 39. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back 40. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's 41. The remote is yours and yours alone 42. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom 43. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed 44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies 45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected 46. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room 47. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet 48. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny 49. If you retain water, it is in a canteen 50. It is easier to empty your bladder behind a tree or car or in an alley
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
The Difference Between Small & Large Breasts
Women With Big Breasts... ....can get a taxi on the worst days ....have a neat place to carry spare change ....have always been the center of the arts (art) ....make jogging a spectator sport ....can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ....have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ....usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ....can always carry a little extra ....always float better ....know where to look first for lost earrings ....rarely lack for a slow dance partner ....have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women With Little Breasts... ....don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ....always look younger ....find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ....can always see their toes and shoes ....can sleep on their stomachs ....have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ....know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ....know that everything more than a handful is wasted ....can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ....can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
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SOMETHING YOU CAN TELL THE CHILDREN
Cop Jokes Just For Kids
What did the peanut say when it entered the police station? I've been a-salted! . . . . Why are policeman so strong? Because they hold up the traffic! . . . . Why did the policeman arrest the kittycat? Because of the kitty litter!
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Things Girls Think Guys Should Know
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out. 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. 3. Don't say you understand when you don't. 4. Girls are petty, get over it. 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't. 8. Size does matter. 9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big. 10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys. 11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a bitch. 12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes. 13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize. 14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it. 15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it. 16. We are drama queens. 17. Fashion police do exist. 18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it. 19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about. 20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times. 21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it. 22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out. 23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it. 24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not. 25. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets. 26. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. 27. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't. 28. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it. 29. Most importantly- we are always right- so don't forget it.
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Top 10 Reasons Hockey Is Better Than Sex
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 9. The puck is always hard. 8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 7. It lasts a full hour. 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 5. Your parents cheer when you score. 4. Periods only last 20 minutes. 3. You can count on it at least twice a week. 2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. 1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
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More Cop Jokes Just For Kids
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects. . . . . A man went to a policeman. "I just had my watch pinched from under my nose!" yelled the man. "That's a stange place to wear it!" chuckled the policeman! . . . . TEACHER: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny? JOHNNY: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a police man! TEACHER: I didn't know your father was a policeman! JOHNNY: He isn't! He's a burglar!
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Top Ten Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's
10. MTV actually played videos in the 80's. 9. There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125. 8. A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose. 7. In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something. 6. In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell. 5. In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school-unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke. 4. New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw. 3. In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally. 2. Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks. 1. In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.
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TOP 10 REASONS WHY TO GO TO WORK NAKED
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
...and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked: 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
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Top 10 Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop.
