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GETTING OLD IS ROUGH WHEN YOU START TO LOSE THINGS LIKE HEARING, MEMORY, ETC. AND THEN THERE'S THE ACHES AND PAINS. HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES:
Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." *******************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You'rereally doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" ***********************
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" ***********
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulledhimself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The Brunette and the Genie
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Blind Cashier at Cabela's
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the
counter wearing dark glasses. She saysto him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod
and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on thecounter, I can tell you
everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He
says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.test line. It's a good
all-around combination, and it's on sale this weekfor only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can
tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by
this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He
replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50." She paid it and left without saying a word.
I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
> > After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
> > While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
1 You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2 Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3 Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4 The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5 You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6 You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7 You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8 Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9 You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10 Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
A married couple had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile and demanded, 'Where are you?'
Husband: 'Darling, do you remember that little jewellery shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it
but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day."'
Wife, tremulously, 'Yes, I do remember that my love.'
Husband, 'Well I'm in the Pub next to that shop.'
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.
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On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' Inquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
