DA SHIZNIT's blog: "JOKES"

created on 07/08/2007 | http://fubar.com/jokes/b100168

posted on 05/19/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;12:05&nbs-07:00;pm

DUTIES OF A WIFE!!!
http://fubar.com/duties-of-a-wife/b100168-792599

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

The 1st man had married an Asian woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The 2nd man had married a White woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a Samoan woman. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a
landscaper.

LMFAOOOOO!!!

Gotta love those Samoan women!!!!

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posted on 03/23/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;06:03&nbs-07:00;pm

NEW COUNRY SONG HITS!!!
http://fubar.com/new-counry-song-hits/b100168-743483

01. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye. 02. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling. 03. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 04. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even. 05. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head). 06. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 07. She's Actin' Single And I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 08. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away. 09. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. 10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here. 15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You. 16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 19. Please Bypass My Heart. 20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 22. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. 25. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With A Few.

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posted on 03/14/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;12:03&nbs-07:00;pm

WRONG #!!!
http://fubar.com/wrong/b100168-735118

Child: "Hello?" Daddy: "Hi honey. It's Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?" Child: "No Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." Daddy: "Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." Child: "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy." Brief Pause. Daddy: "Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute." Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone. Child: "I did it Daddy." Daddy: "What happened honey?" Child: "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" Daddy: "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" Child: "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** Daddy: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

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posted on 12/22/2007&nbs-08:00;@&nbs-08:00;11:12&nbs-08:00;am

SPEEDING TICKET!!!
http://fubar.com/speeding-ticket/b100168-655525

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking."

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posted on 10/14/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;11:10&nbs-07:00;pm

5 STAGES DRUNKENESS
http://fubar.com/5-stages-drunkeness/b100168-566481

5 STAGES OF DRUNKEDNESS..... Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

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posted on 10/11/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:10&nbs-07:00;pm

S#!T
http://fubar.com/s-t/b100168-562622

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

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posted on 09/09/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:09&nbs-07:00;pm

A PRAYER 4 MY FRIENDS...
http://fubar.com/a-prayer-4-my-friends/b100168-516308

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. The prayer: Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. In Jesus ' precious name. Amen.

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posted on 08/23/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;03:08&nbs-07:00;pm

THE 7 SEXES!!!
http://fubar.com/the-7-sexes/b100168-491785

there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you'. The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex . This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least... The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex, You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

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posted on 08/21/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:08&nbs-07:00;pm

KILLING TIME @ WALMART!!!
http://fubar.com/killing-time-walmart/b100168-488721

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 02. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens. 05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. ** 07. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" ** 09. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" ** 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" ** 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! ** 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!" **

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posted on 08/12/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;06:08&nbs-07:00;pm

REDNECK LETTER!!!
http://fubar.com/redneck-letter/b100168-475891

Dear Redneck Son, I am writing this letter slow because I know you cannot read that fast. We don't live where we did when you left home, your father read in the newspaper that most accidents occur within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their new address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't bad. It only rained twice last week, once for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them into the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him an hour to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven' found out if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and playfully drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed

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