DA SHIZNIT's blog: "JOKES"

created on 07/08/2007 | http://fubar.com/jokes/b100168

posted on 08/12/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;05:08&nbs-07:00;pm

COLLEGE MID TERM!!!
http://fubar.com/college-mid-term/b100168-475816

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

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posted on 08/08/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:08&nbs-07:00;am

STUFF TO THINK ABOUT!!!
http://fubar.com/stuff-to-think-about/b100168-469565

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead? Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”? What is the speed of darkness? If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Can you cry underwater? How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder…… Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?” Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.” Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs ! Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ?? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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posted on 08/03/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;06:08&nbs-07:00;pm

LIGHTS OUT!!!
http://fubar.com/lights-out/b100168-463106

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

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posted on 08/02/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;04:08&nbs-07:00;pm

CHINESE PROVERBS!!!
http://fubar.com/chinese-proverbs/b100168-461349

CHINESE PROVERBS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Now send it to 10 or more people. Nothing will happen but 10 people will be laughing

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posted on 07/31/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;04:07&nbs-07:00;pm

WAITING FOR YOU!!!
http://fubar.com/waiting-for-you/b100168-458402

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body...You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing's, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you............ .......DAMN mosquito!

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posted on 07/30/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:07&nbs-07:00;pm

FUNNY JOKE!!!
http://fubar.com/funny-joke/b100168-457361

> A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he > > wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies > > and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only > > redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around > > the pool in the backyard of his mansion. > > > > Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating > > shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the > > women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I > > have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give > > a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump > > in." The words were barely out of his mouth when > > there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and > > saw Leroy in the pool! > > > > Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! > > Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his > > thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, > > biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator > > through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. > > The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both > > Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. > > Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to > > the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly > > climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring > > at him in disbelief. > > > > Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe > > you a million dollars," > > > > "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. > > > > The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. > > You won the bet. How about half a million bucks > > then?" > > > > "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy. > > > > The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you > > something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche > > and a Rolex and some stock options?" > > > > Again Leroy said no. > > > > Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what > > do you want?" > > > > Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed > > me in the pool!"

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posted on 07/29/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;12:07&nbs-07:00;pm

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED!!!
http://fubar.com/why-men-are-never-depressed/b100168-455131

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED Men Are Just Happier People — What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can! wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades! You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

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posted on 07/28/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;02:07&nbs-07:00;pm

SAMOANS!!!
http://fubar.com/samoans/b100168-454045

"A Samoan man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Samoan man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Samoan man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen ki'o.....when I was born, I was BROWN. When I grew up, I was BROWN. When I'm sick I'm BROWN. When I go in the sun, I'm BROWN. When I'm cold, I'm BROWN. When I die, I'll be BROWN. But you ki'o.... When you're born, you're PINK. When you grow up, you're WHITE. When you're sick, you're GREEN. When you go in the sun, you turn RED. When you're cold, you turn BLUE, and when you die, you turn PURPLE. And you have the NERVE to call me colored?"

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posted on 07/08/2007&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;01:07&nbs-07:00;pm

SO CAL BARBIES!!!
http://fubar.com/so-cal-barbies/b100168-423763

SO CAL BARBIE! Body: Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Diego, California area market: Chula Vista Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available for Chula Vista Barbie or Ken. National City Barbie - This Barbie now comes with a stroller and an infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus/trolley pass. Gangsta Ken and his 79 Caddy (with switches) were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Rancho Bernardo Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education.Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately. Oceanside Barbie - This recently paroled, tattooed & nose pierced Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a ready lifted desert/river Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash - preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Vista Barbie - The upgrade from O'side Barbie. Married Camp Pendelton Ken and now tries to raise 3 kids under age 8 while husband is deployed in Iraq. Available in White, Black and Samoan. Del Mar Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Optional children available only after a visit with Plastic Surgeon Ken. Rancho San Diego Barbie - Comes with a towel for her head. Is co-owner of a liquor store, along with Ken. (K pronounced like G in Spanish) Nose job already done, and Ken comes with his own bottle of hennessy and a cigar. Hopes Anglo neighbors never see Iraqi flag inside house. Santee Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in a shirt, and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's back side when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. La Jolla Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available. Lakeside Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Lemon Grove Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home. Leucadia Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She smokes good sinsemilla buds and prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbie's and the optional Volvo wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food's Market. Poway Barbie - She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working. The only Barbie with anorexic male children because they wrestle for Poway High. Reservation Barbie - Available only at Viejas Outlet Stores. Wears large t-shirts and leather & turquoise beaded belts. Miffed that she was not chosen as the Ice Princess for the Viejas Holiday Nights Show (they wanted a white girl). Peace Pipe Ken drives Dodge Ram with all factory options but can never be cleaned. Also comes with magnetic bullet holes and never ending supply of peyote. Hillcrest Barbie/Ken - This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts. Bonus: free rainbow flag sticker with proof of purchase, along with valuable discount coupons to all "F" street bookstores. Pacific Beach Barbie -This Barbie is always bitching that she can't find a good man in Pacific Beach. Comes with heart & wings lower back tattoo. Carlsbad Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at the brand new La Costa Forum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Valley Center Barbie - Thinks she is better than Escondido Barbie because she doesn't live in town and rich enough to live in the country. Secretly wishes to be either Carlsbad or Del Mar Barbie. Consoles herself by frequenting Pala Casino. Child with missing hand is not factory defect but due to a bad encounter with a lion at the San Diego Wild Animal Park after mom stopped watching children due to a depression induced migraine. Southeast Barbie - This Ghetto Queen comes with optional 'baby-daddy' car and pop-out baby seats. This barbie comes standard with a set of press-on nails and ponytails in various lengths. Don't mess with the breezie. She has a strong attitude and a mouth to prove it. This barbie also comes with optional girlfriends to help you do drive-by's to find out if Ken is out with some other hoochie. Mira Mesa Barbie - This Barbie is skinny and asian who thinks she knows how to drive. She comes standard with a s00ped up Honda Civic that can only drive 15mph in the city but 90mph on the freeway. Available with a big six bedroom house, 5 grandparents and 20 kids who can run around screaming. Ken comes with a garage so he can s00p up all his friends Hondas too. He can be seen between 12am - 2am zipping up Kearny Villa Road or Mira Mesa Blvd by the 5/805 split. East County Barbie - Was a cheerleader in middle school but now only rides with Desert Rat Ken in his California lifted Ford F-150, complete with white unfinished flair fenders, bed floor removed for spare tire holder, and no carburator. F-150 can only be purchased by parents wholive in Alpine. Both come with optional Weed from Harbison Canyon and/or barbed wire tattoo. Will party in the desert all through her 20s and then finish her AA at Grossmont College when she's 35. Temecula Barbie - Desperately wants to be part of San Diego Barbie collection but can't afford a house in SD. But she does actually own a house with Commuter Ken. Ken knows I-15 like the back of his hand as he spends 4 hours a day driving to and from work.

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