angeldevilwondering where my white knigh...'s blog: "Jokes"

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per Hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at Her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty Years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and Slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he Says insistently.. Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards And the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes Him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and Smiles. "The airbag." Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!! Don't mess with them!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" 12 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.