Cecaina's blog: "Joke Of The Day"

It's a Saturday morning & Pete is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the bloke who fixes the washing machine is coming around noon. So Pete heads back to the clubhouse and phones home: "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Pete. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Pete says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car has just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell right out the front window & now she's all dead." "Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared & he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool & now he's all dead, too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? . . .Is this 278-9872???"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. . . I just can't take that chance."

Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.” The man says, “Well, give me some examples.” The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?” The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”