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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent
A couple of years ago, we had people send in their favorite euphemisims for workplace incompentence...orginals and classics. They don't really get old, so we thought we share them again. Enjoy.
He's two raisins short of a fruitcake.
Having him show up is like having 2 good men call in sick!
A Forest Killer - Somebody's who's able to produce paper, but no answers.
He must have donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Not only is he not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he is the spoon in the knife drawer.
Her staircase doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
She has two speeds...slow and stop!
Did he have an extra cup of stupid this morning?
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
Results of a performance review: "I thought this guy's performance had reached rock bottom, but then he started to dig."
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
I've heard of people having an inferiority complex, but in your case it isn't a complex.
Not only does his elevator not go to the top, but the cable's broken.
A "file cabinet wearing a dress" is the way one of our members described one particularly "unbusy" woman.
And in an Information Systems department, one of our members had a term they used for clueless users with silly complaints. They'd call them:
ID ten T errors (ID10T – better spelled IDIOT!)
Warren was sitting alone in his office one night when a Genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
Warren looked at the Genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the Genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
