Rob's blog: "Jokes"

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?" "Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants." She does. "Take it out", says the clerk." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

Beware Of The Friday the 13th Virus... It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise. It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others. It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative. It cheats at Scrabble. It can forge your signature. It plays the bagpipes in your basement. It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain. It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but she had only listed information for the one named "Leroy". "Actually, all three of my sons are named Leroy," replied the lady. "Why would you do that?," inquired the government worker. The lady replied, "It makes it much easier to get things done. 'Leroy, time for bath', and they all get in the bath. 'Leroy, time for supper', and they all come to the table." Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons. "Oh that's easy," she replied. "I just call them by their last names."

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replies, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."