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Beautiful Bitch's blog: "Jokes"

created on 04/30/2008  |  http://fubar.com/jokes/b211715
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know

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You Can Only Type ONE Word. Not as easy as you might think. Now copy and paste into your blog and tag 5 ppl to do the same. Leave a comment to let us know you have done it, AND LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TO LET THEM KNOW THEY HAVE BEEN TAGGED. It's really hard to only use one-word answers! 1. Where is your cell phone? bedroom 2. Your significant other? SnakeMan 3. Your hair? long 4. Your mother? hated 5. Your father? heaven 6. Your favorite thing? daughter 7. Your dream last night? nope 8. Your favorite drink? Dew 9. Your dream/goal? GodMother 10. The room you're in? Bedroom 11. Music? most 12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Married 14. Where were you last night? Fubar 15. What you're not? concieted 16. Muffins? no 17. One of your wish list items? happiness 18. Where you grew up? Boonville 19. The last thing you did? blog 20. What are you wearing? Makeup 21. TV? sometimes 22. Your pets? couple 23. Your computer? Gateway 24. Your life? here 25. Your mood? eh 26. Missing someone? YES 27. Favorite Store? Dollar 30. Your summer? Soon 31. Like someone? No 32. Your favorite color? Teal 33. When is the last time you laughed? now 34. Last time you cried? fu-wedding I'm tagging : Andrew MyBrat Swingin Kitty Dak
did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails, blogs, MuMMs, ect. while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Regards, Your friend
((thank you Hypes this is wonderful lol)) Installing a Husband Software Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
ok just for shyts and giggles I took this Kinky test my score is in the Subject line ... take is and please leave me a comment of what your score is *wicked evil grin* http://www.hotlanta.com/KinkTest.asp?SessionID=6547967
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?' The Mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.' A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.' The confused girl returns to her mother and says, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?' The Mother answers, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.'
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.'
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying (you fill in the blank)

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3
Dear Wife: I ' m writing you this letter to tell you that I ' m leaving you forever. I ' ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn ' t eve n notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don ' t tell me you love me anymore; you don ' t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you ' re cheating on me or you don ' t love me anymore; whatever the case, I ' m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don ' t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It ' s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you ' ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn ' t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first< B> thing that came to mind was ' You look just like a girl! ' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can ' t say something nice, I didn ' t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won ' t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don ' t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that ' s not a problem.
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