EchoAngel's blog: "Jokes"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________ * ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ * ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ * ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ * ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

My wife (who is blonde) came running up to me in the driveway the other day...just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought: "what the heck?", and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping just long enough to tell me that she was pregnant. I was ecstatic! We'd been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more!" I asked, "What do you mean 'more?'" She said, "Well, we're not having just ONE baby. We're going to have TWINS!" Amazed that she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked how she knew this. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the Twin-Pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" ***************************************** A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,......... "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... He knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls' THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, And he said 'No' . I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh And remember We all say things we don't really mean, So think before you speak

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".

fine print: i know most fine print is found at the end of a document, but i want everyone to know before going any further, this was only done out of boredom.....(and the drugs they have me on...lol) for fun, so enjoy it, laugh and repost ;) The FU Guide Bringing you this weeks guide to the best shows on the FU! ********************** FU MINDS Watch this week, as the profilers of Fubarville delve into the minds of the villiagers and try and solve the mysteries of the community. Will they find out who is behind everything? Tune in to find out. ********************** CSI : Fubarville Who killed the Speed bombing? Few leads, but the team of Fu experts will catch the culprit. Tune in daily to watch as the clues are solved and see if your skills match those of the experts. ********************** As The Fu Turns Rate, Fan, Add, Crush, Comment...this is the daily activities of someone that lives in Fuland. Stay tuned to find out who rates, who fans and who crushes.....it may surprise you. ********************** The Young and The Fu Their race to the top, will it ever end? Will they be red for a day? week? month? year? Only relentless, hard work will pay off for the Young and the Fu. ********************** The Guiding Fu Some guide, some follow...but every day is full of laughter, tears, joy and surprises as we faithfully watch the Guiding Fu. Don't miss an episode..tune in daily to watch the drama unfold. ********************** FU Whisperer Only the open and pure of hearts can hear and see them. The Fu Whisperer is hear to guide the newbie by answering questions and helping them along their Fu journey to reach the ultimate goal. ********************** FU Break Will they break out of the walls of 5-6 Mil spotlights? Will their freedom to win a spotlight when they wish return? Catch the drama on Fu...don't miss it! ********************** Without a Fu The disappearance of Speed bombing. Tune in to see if the Speed is found. Some say it will, most think it is gone forever. Only the one true Fu knows for sure. ********************** and finally SupernaturalFU The demon known as "The Bouncer" will appear out of nowhere and frustrate you to no end. You have tried garlic and then holy water but nothing seems to help. Then you find out that it is the unholy one known as "Scripts" that has caused this demon to raise it's ugly head and reak havoc on the peaceful community of Fubar. Can lovely town ever be exercised of the nasty Script Demon? ********************** This bulletin brought to you by the demented mind of ayasha @ fubar

(repost of original by 'ayasha٭AFTERHOURS GREETER٭DSC٭IBIC٭LOL LEVELER٭CLUB FAR' on '2007-11-11 09:54:52')