FU Bambi's blog: "Jokes"

Harry is getting along in years and though he still can go hiking and backpacking, he finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, It will not work again for another year! " Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers with the powder. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What the hell did you say 123 for?"

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you? He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not" Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them. Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A.He buys two cases of beer. Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.The bonds mature. Q..Why are blonde jokes so short? A.So men can remember them. QHow many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A.We don't know; it has never happened. Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A..A widow. Q.Why are married women heavier than single women? A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A.They're married. Man says to God:"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says:"So you would love her." But God,"the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says:"So she would love you."