AssMan's blog: "JOKES"

Top 17 Country Songs 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the Number One Country Song --- 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns. Inside, he finds a young couple lying in bed. He orders the guy out of bed & ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail & hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, & asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom Be strong honey. I love you too

The Vibrator AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM,HE OBERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV WITH THE VIBRATOR NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED "WHAT THE @#@# ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW