Texasman's blog: "jokes"

"Hot date in Alabama" A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: 'I got a hot date tonight, an' I need mesome pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?' The pharmacist responds: 'A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.' 'TACKS!' the shocked redneck says. 'Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'

7 degrees of blonde `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4* SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

BEFORE MARRIAGE HE: YES. AT LAST. IT WAS SO HARD TO WAIT SHE: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE? HE: NO! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT SHE: DO YOU LOVE ME? HE: OF COURSE! OVER AND OVER! SHE: HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON ME? HE: NO! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING? SHE: WILL YOU KISS ME? HE: EVERY CHANCE I GET SHE: WILL YOU HIT ME? HE: ARE YOU CRAZY! I’M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON! SHE: CAN I TRUST YOU? HE: YES SHE: DARLING! AFTER MARRIAGE (READ FROM THE BOTTOM UP)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger. 'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of those cars. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dis-satisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I don't think so.

A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me? The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus can wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. If neither WINE nor BEER achieves the desired results, then Take Everything Quickly Until Intoxicated Liquor Allowance (TEQUILA) is reached. This antidote has never failed! You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Little Johnny Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."

A redneck is driving down a back road in South Georgia . A sign in front of a Restaurant reads: Happy Hour Special... Lobster Tail and Beer "Lord Almi ghty" he says to himself, "My Three Favorite Things In Life!!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt wassuitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek