Sissy's blog: "Jokes"

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find > him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of the very stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the stressed out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and Camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a women 3. Viagra, Home of the Whopper 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! and the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.

On Saturday afternoon I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer, and > > watching my wife mow the lawn. > > The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came > > over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" > > > > I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my > > lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, and stared directly into the > > eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

After Mr. Nicolini retired, Patty insisted her husband Nick accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Nick was like most men --He found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Patty was like most women -- she loved to browse. One day Patty received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Nicolini...... Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Nicolini are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away." 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti depressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed Through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and moaned, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" And last, but not Least.......... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" Please restrain him or leave him home Regards.......... Wal-Mart

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick. Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see them-- The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..... Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, and they inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her Sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck And drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word. " Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog..... On impulse, I told her "Uh No, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms". I told her, "It is essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again". I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was waiting in line, behind her. Horrified, she asked, "Well, if it's an essentially perfect diet, how did you end up in the hospital?" I said "because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me". I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

An old man and woman were married for many years, even >though they hated each other. > >When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could >be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, >"When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave and come >back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" > >Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black >magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took >place in their neighborhood. > >The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To every >one's relief, he died when he was 68. > >His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, >she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if >there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her >safety, asked, "Aren' t you afraid that he may indeed be >able to dig his way up out of the grave and come back to >haunt you for the rest of your life?" > >The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had >him buried upside down." > >My kinda woman >