Hippiechick's blog: "Jokes,Riddles,& stuff that make u "Stop & Think"!"

Bumper Stickers; IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Earth Is Full - Go Home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illiterate? Write For Help. ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If Anything Falls Off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fight Crime: Shoot Back! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ax Me About Ebonics. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boldly Going Nowhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND Finally "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

OMG,THIS IS SO FUNNY. A FRIEND SENT ME A TEXT Msg. & IT WENT LIKE THIS; THE POLICE FOUND A BODY WITH NO BRAIN,BAD HAIR,LOP-SIDED TEETH & A RETARDED FACE...I GOT WORRIED, ARE U OK? IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN LMAO!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! ================= Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Notice to all Employees... Effective MAY 2007 Dress Code 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay raise. 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise. 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Holiday Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Compassionate Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. 3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere!!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play > > together. I know, it sounds unlikely, but, bear with me. It gets > > better. > > > > Anyway, one day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog > > and began to sink. > > > > Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the > > farmer for help! > > > > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he > > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone > > to town with the only tractor. > > > > Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. > > > > Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length > > of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. > > > > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the > > chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of > > the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. > > > > After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the > > chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful > > bike, rescued the horse! > > > > Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, > > and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. > > > > The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best > > Pals. > > > > Then, another disaster... the chicken fell into a mud pit. Soon, he > > too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! > > > > The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. > > > > Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "unit", and he > > would then lift him out of the pit. > > > > The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, > > saving his life. > > > > Is there a moral to this story? We think it's... > > > > > > "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and! I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

Subject: Fw: Big People Words A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big Peoplewords!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN". You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Zach what he had done. I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT "

Subject: Fwd: When Name Calling isn't Swearing When Name Calling Isn't Swearing Keep reading..... If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these: l ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Nancy," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'." I'm not suffering from Insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it!! LMAO!

Subject: FW: HANG ON SWEETIE For all of us girls One for the girls When you feel that nobody loves you, Nobody cares for you, And everyone is ignoring you, You should start asking yourself.... Am I TOO sexy?

Subject: FW: THIS IS A CLASSIC - DEFFINETELY WORTH PASSING ON " Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" >> No Daddy. >> She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." >> After a brief pause, >> Daddy says, >> But honey, you haven't got >> an Uncle Paul." >> Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, >> right >> now." >> Brief Pause. >> Uh, okay then, >> this is what I want you to do. >> Put the phone down on the table, >> run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to >> Mommy >> that Daddy's car >> just pulled into the driveway." >> Okay Daddy, >> just a minute." >> A few minutes later >> the little girl comes back to the phone. >> I did it Daddy." >> And what happened honey?" he asked. >> Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no >> clothes on >> and ran around screaming. >> Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the >> dresser and >> now she isn't moving at all!" >> Oh my God!!! >> What about your Uncle Paul?" >> He jumped out of the bed >> with no clothes on, too. >> He was all scared >> and he jumped out of the back window and into the >> swimming pool. >> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water >> last week to clean it. >> He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." >> ***Long Pause*** >> ***Longer Pause*** >> ***Even Longer Pause*** >> Then Daddy says, >> Swimming pool? . . . >> Is this >> 555 -5731?"