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TiGGeRKiSSeS07's blog: "Jokes"

created on 12/24/2006  |  http://fubar.com/jokes/b37465
Where Babies Come From One afternoon, little Janie returned home from school and announced to her Mom that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, Mom replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" Little Janie explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes. Then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Mom shook her head gently, leaned over to look little Janie in the eye and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago" "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. Yes, I did." he replied. My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" " Oh...she got fired too."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." "The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts: “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily: ”Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don’t think so.” ”Fine.” Then the wife asks: ”Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” “Does it look like I have Westing House written on my forehead? I don’t think so.” “Fine. Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.” “I’m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!” So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the light hall is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d all this get fixed?” “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake.” “So what kind of cake did you bake?” “Helloooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the bow shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns to her and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
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