SF 2 bombs Taco Dave's blog: "Jokes"

Flat Tummy
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


So does anyone want to help my tummy get blown up?

The Good the Bad and the Ugly The fine distinction between THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Way ugly: She makes more money than you do Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's you're best friend Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Sexual Calorie Counter It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent....................... 12 Calories Without her consent.................... 187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands........................ 8 Calories With one hand.......................... 12 Calories With your teeth........................ 85 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection....................... 6 Calories Without an erection.................... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories Trying to find the! G-Spot.............. 92 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary............................. 12 Calories 69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories 69 standing up......................... 112 Calories Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories ORGASMIC: Real................................... 112 Calories False.................................. 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories 30-39 years............................ 80 Calories 40-49 years...........................! . 124 Calories 50-59 years............................ 972 Calories 60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories 70 and over......................... Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly................................. 32 Calories In a hurry............................. 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Dogs... Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?" The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horney I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing." The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my master had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking it from the rear!" The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

Never Gonna Stay In Your Hotella No More The Manager Y.M.C.A. Hotel LONDON Roma 28 sept. 1981 Dear signore Direttore, Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella. I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down receptione and tella: "I wanta shit" They tella me: "Go to toilet" I say:"No, no I wanta shit in my bed". They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch". What is sonna-wa-bitch? I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I wanta piss". She tella me: "Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate". She then say to me: "You bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch". This is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna.wa.bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me! Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock". And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock". I tella her: "No, no you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!" How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner? So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: "Thank you, and piss on You". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to Italy". Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch. Sincerely Dicci Elgré

The Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

The Reverend John Fuzz... The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave backhand forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

Sex humor SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come! you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what! have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Something to offend everyone 1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pr*cks on the outside. 2. What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity. 3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 kilos. 4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. 5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and b*tch. 6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. 7. Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 8. What have men and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. 9. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. 10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. 11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 14. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. 15. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde because she's 18!! 17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mum. 18. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. 19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." 20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. 21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. 22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A Bingo Machine. 23. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex too. 24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" 25. What three two-letter words mean small? "Is It In?" 26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. 27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely. 28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania? Everyone has the same DNA. 29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. 30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. 31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. 32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. 33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. 35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." 36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp. 37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo? A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

Ugly woman A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"? The ugly woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. "Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"!