Tori FURL Married To Badass Demon's blog: "Jokes"

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." 5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 3. You're counting down the days until menopause. 2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire" 9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell 8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair" 7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room" 6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow" 5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook" 4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula" 3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You" 2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village" 1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) Being told to put the seat down. 3) No sofas in your restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) You can't flirt you way out of a traffic ticket. 10) "Women and children first."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, "No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?" The trooper replys "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it !", screams the chief. "I don't know " says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."