1 Mystk 1's blog: "• Jokez.."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: " Emma come first. Den i come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then i come one lasta time." " You foul - mouthed sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. " In this country, we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives." " Hey, coola down lady," said the man. " who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi'."

Those Born 1930-1979! TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING ! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We r ode bikes or walked to a friend's house and kno cked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good . And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us.....pass this on.

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. 2. Then, I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. 11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB. Man do I enjoy it ! .. and that's how I got to where I am today!

>>>>Would you remarry? >>>> >>>>A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the >>>>wife looks over at him and asks the question... >>>> >>>>WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" >>>>WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Of course I do." >>>>WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." >>>>WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look) >>>>HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) >>>>WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." >>>>WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" >>>>WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" >>>>HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." >>>>WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" >>>>HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." >>>>WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" >>>>HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." >>>>WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" >>>>HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." >>>>WIFE: -- Silence-- >>>>HUSBAND: "Shit."

An angry wife met her husband at the door. He smelled of booze and perfume. " I assume," she snarled, " that there's a very good reason for your waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning with liquor on your breath and lipstick on your collar?" " There is," he replied." I'd like breakfast."

A Indian chief from a remote part of the Amazon jungle was flown to London by a local scientific society and met at the airport by a flock of curious reporters. One asked," Did you have a comfortable flight?" After making a series of squeaks, shrieks and gurgles, the chief replied in perfect English, " Yes, thank you very much." " How long do you plan to stay?" he was asked. " Tweeet, squeak, eeeuuuu," he began. " I think about three weeks." Baffled, the reporter asked, " Where did you learn to speak English?" " Shhhh, tweet, waaiii. Short -wave radio."

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX . 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................ 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

(Note: This was definitely written by a man.) A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.