Ben Komodo Moose's blog: "Jokes"

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us seniors were looking our best. Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope, That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends. Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts, Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath. The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. Our supper, so festive (the joy wouldn't stop), Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great; Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. The social director then had us play games, Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?" Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter). A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our Social Security checks had arrived. We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us. We wish you the Best. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 3. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 4. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 5. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 6. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 7. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 8. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" 9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 10. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." 12. The early bird still has to eat worms. 13. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. 14. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 16. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 17. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many >> kinds of boobies are there? >> >> The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of >> breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and >> firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but >> hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." >> >> "Onions?" >> >> "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." >> >> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how >> many kinds of 'willies' are there?" >> >> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes >> through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, >> mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible >> but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." >> >> "A Christmas tree?" >> >> "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!

Bush Senior: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."

A New York lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Texas sheriff's deputy.? He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from San Antonio, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says," License and registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop." Says the deputy. "License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says. Lawyer s ays, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not , you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,"the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"