Old WolfEagle1499 account Still Transfe...'s blog: "Jokes"

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant and fully using obscenities, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.



After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated 'Christian Fish' emblem on the trunk.



Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless!!!





Thanks to Nutty_Licious for finding this Joke!

nutty_licious

@ CherryTAP

Jeff Foxworthy:
Upstate New York


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96
nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the
nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other
major city in the US, you might live in Upstate, NY.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May,
you might live in Upstate New York.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance,
and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate NY.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day,
you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you might live in Upstate New York.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:



"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

Down South to you means Corning.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed!

You go out for a fish fry every Friday.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."



You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Upstate New York friends and to those who used to live here and left.


(Chickens!)

Anyone who remembers anything about World War II, or has studied anything about World War II, will understand and remember that during World War II, the Japanese developed a way to demoralize the American forces. The Japanese psychological warfare experts developed a message they felt would work.

They gave their psychological warfare script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose" and every day she would broadcast this same message packaged in different ways, hoping it would have a negative impact on American GI's morale.

What was that demoralizing message?

It had three main points:

1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war


Does this sound familiar?

Is it because

Tokyo Hillary,

Tokyo Harry,

Tokyo Teddy

Tokyo Nancy ,

Tokyo Durbin,

Tokyo Kerry,


etc. have all learned from the former enemies of our country and have picked up the same message and are broadcasting it on

Tokyo CNN,

Tokyo ABC,

Tokyo CBS,

Tokyo NBC,

etc., to our troops?

The only difference is that they claim to support our troops before they demoralize them.


Come to think of it... Tokyo Rose told the American Troops she was on their side, also.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people > in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Have a wonderful day. A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late......

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over one night and she says, " No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." ========== Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last man replies: "I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'" ========== Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed. But the law allows only one wife. Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail. One woman's hobby is usually another woman's hubby. The easiest way to make your old car run better is to check the prices of a new car. It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends. If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, best get one who knows the judge. A man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. ========= Another new illness to watch out for! A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today." ============== A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had Great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked Her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the Quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents. ========= There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages. The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother." =========== WHOEVER IS SENDING: 1, VULGAR 2. SEXIST 3. TRASHY 4. UNCOUTH 5. DISGUSTING 6. RAUNCHY 7. FILTHY 8. NASTY 9. VILE PLEASE KEEP ME ON YOU MAILING LIST. THANKS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION....

Two goats were munching their way through a Hollywood land fill when one ate a roll of film. The other asked, "How was it?" And the first goat said, "Not as good as the book!" Two old friends happened to run into each other. "Long time, Jack! What have you been up to?" "W-w-w-well, I a-a-almost got m-m-m- married," Jack replied. "What do you mean, 'almost?'" "W-w-w-we were sitting on the front p-p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back and I said, 'H-h-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-you do that f-f-f- for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left." "All over scratching your back? What's wrong with that?" Jack finished, "B-b-b- because by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was licking his b-b- balls!" A bus load of tourists stopped in the town square of a small Egyptian city to shop at the stands surrounding the square. One tourist asked a local for the time. The man, squatting beside his camel, reached up, cupped the animal's genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered them and replied, "2 o'clock." The tourist can't believe what just happened. He found some of his fellow tourists, checked the time, and sure enough, the local was right! After telling his story, they all followed him back to see for themselves. "Pardon me? Do you know the time?" The exact same thing happened: the local cupped the animal's genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered them and said, "It is 2:05 p.m." Finally, the story got to the bus driver, who just had to know how this trick was done. "How can you tell time from a camel's genitals?" he asked. The local said, "Sit here." The driver did. "Now grab my camel's genitals." He did that. "Now, lift them up in the air." The driver did. "Now, look beneath them... to the other side of the courtyard? See the town clock?" A man took the aisle seat at the movie theater, but just as the feature was finally about to start, a blonde made her way from the center of the row to the aisle with a flurry of "Excuse me, sorry, oops, pardon me…" etc. As she crawled over the man at the aisle, he asked, "Couldn't you have done this earlier?" In a loud whisper, she replied, "No. They just showed the 'Turn off your cell phone' message and mine is in the car!" Vice-President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Lynne, has written a book in which she supports her father while disagreeing with the President. How ironic: a lesbian who prefers Dick over Bush! Sidney went to a career counselor to help him find a new career. After extensive testing, the counselor told him the results, "Sid, according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. You'd make a terrific golf course designer!" Liana went skinny-dipping one hot summer day, but some young boys saw her and stole her clothes. She got out of the water, discovered her clothes were gone, and calmly walked to the roadside to hitchhike home. Just then Steve rode by on a bicycle. "Hey, Liana. Want a ride back to town?" "Sure," she said, as she jumped on his bicycle to ride sidesaddle in front of him. Steve said nothing. But soon Liana grew curious. "Steve, haven't you noticed that I'm naked?" she asked. "Sure did!" said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that we're riding a girl's bike?!" A sweet little old lady owned a pair of monkeys for many years until one died of natural causes. The second monkey suffered so much grief that it died two days later. Loving them so much, she took them to a taxidermist to have them stuffed. The owner asked, "Do you want them mounted?" She blushed and said, "No. How about shaking hands instead?" A state trooper pulled over a woman who tried to get off easy by acting shocked. "Officer, I'm surprised," she said. "I've never been stopped like this before!" The trooper asked, "What do they usually do, ma'am? Shoot out your tires?" A man stared at a gorgeous woman wearing the tightest pants he'd ever seen. Finally, he pulled up his courage, walked over, and asked, "How do you get into those pants?" She looked him over and said, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink!" Teacher: "Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' " "K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A- L." "No, that's wrong." "Maybe so, but you asked me how I spell it!" "Your Honor, I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me." "That's a serious accusation," said the judge. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate your claim?" "Yes. Just last night I saw him enter a movie theater with another woman." "Who was this other woman?" "I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was." "I would have," she explained, "but the man I was with had already seen that picture!" A husband said to his wife of twenty-five years, "Honey, before we got married, we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a tiny black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a big house, luxury car, king-sized bed, and a plasma TV, but every night I sleep with a gray-haired 50-year-old woman. You're not holding up your end of the bargain." His wife thought a moment and then replied, "Honey, why don't you just go find yourself a hot 25-year- old blonde who will accommodate you? I guarantee you that soon you'll again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, and be lucky to sleep on a sofa bed!" An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?" He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid. " After the shy guy gave his date a bouquet of flowers, she threw her arms around him and gave him a big kiss. The guy immediately turned and headed for the door. "Oh, I'm sorry!" she exclaimed. "I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't," he replied. "I'm leaving to buy you some jewelry!" "You got a new car. What make is it?" asked Ted. Brandi the blonde replied, "A Perndle." "A what?" "A Perndle." Ted looked puzzled. "I've never heard of a Perndle before." Sue said, "Me neither, but that's what it says, right over the steering wheel." Ted looked inside the driver's window. "It doesn't say that anywhere!" Brandi pointed, "See it? Right there? Just above the steering wheel and below the speedometer? It's spelled out: 'P-R-N-D-L.' " Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." Bill: "Really? Why?" Bob: "I've been screwing his wife!" Why are single women usually thinner than married women? Single women see what's in the refrigerator and then go to bed. Married women see what's in the bed and then go to the refrigerator!

TWINS Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights. "Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer." "Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks. "We don't drink," one twin replies. "You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks. "No, we prefer burgers," one twin says. "Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks. The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"