SEX GODDESS's blog: "Jokes"

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died." Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?" Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat." No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Man: Okay, I'd get married again. Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) Man: (audible groan) Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed. Woman: (silence) Man: Sh*t.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed,concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

one day a woman was taking her daughter to the playgroud. the little girl askes 'mommy, how old are you?' the mother says 'dear you should never ask a woman her age' the daughter say 'mommy, how much do you weigh?' the mother says ' another question you cant ask a woman' Next the little girl says ' mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?' now the mother is getting angry and tell the little girl to go play. Little girl says to her friend ' nope, she wont tell', friend says ' its easy to find out- just look at her drivers license'. Later, the little girl says to her mother ' mommy i know you are 38 and you weigh 140 lbs'. The mother is shocked and says ' how did you find that out?', the little girl says ' i also know why you and daddy got a divorce'. the mother is furious and plays along to hear this ' ok, dear why did daddy and mommy get a divorce?' 'BECAUSE YOU GOT AN "F" IN SEX!!!!!!'

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewelry. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrased. Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened

TAXIDERMIST This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" 4 KINDS OF SEX The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F@CK YOU!’ MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off. NUN A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun." The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic." "Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing. "What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!" "That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." DOCTOR A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place." THE PERFECT MAN A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Golden Retriever The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb??? Border Collie Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants... Labrador Retriever (La Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?? (see also old English sheepdog) Malamute Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.. Old English Sheep Dog Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Because he heard everyone there has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different Bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong". What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one is tall enough to go on the good rides