Shelly's blog: "Jokes"

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. 'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.' She said, 'I ain't no widow.' Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit

A Blonde's Year in Review! January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...Helllloooo!! ...bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited ...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ...box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool Aid ...wrong instructions ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft top was open. September The capital of California is "C" ...isn't it??? October Hate M&M's ...they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." He says. She looks down and says, "OH SHUCKS, I left the baby on the bus again!" THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again & went to the mailbox opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

I LOVE IT!!! This is a Christmas tree. It is not a Hanukkah bush, It is not an Allah plant, It is not a Holiday hedge. It is a Christmas tree. Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas Yes ~ CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!! If this offends you...too bad. Get over it ~ Take a stand and pass this on !!

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children! is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. You ' r e not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a bitch 9. You're sure! that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4 Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand : 1. OTHER WOMEN Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day ..WE ALL NEED a Smile! oh yeah....and send to men so they can better understand~ ************************************************* Today's Message of the Day is:! Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

The Duck & the Devil There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes" But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Random jokes One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " And they say blondes are dumb... ------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." ---------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ---------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ---------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ---------------------------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ---------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. --------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. --------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up. Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.