josh's blog: "joke"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Things to do in the bathroom stall... 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Darn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters. 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" 20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

In Illinois a mental patient went on trial for threatening to castrate President Bush. He was sentenced to 7 months in prison but a federal judge let him go because you can't lock people up for threatening to castrate the president. If you could, Hillary would have been in Leavenworth 15 years ago.

President Bush says Iraq is not having a civil war. It's just part of the growth of democracy. He sees it as Shia and Sunnis exercising their rights to bear arms.

Canadian Jokes Canadian Jokes A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy Lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with Pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's Fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!" The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."