Midgit RIP TEDDY J's blog: "sleep?"

i relived parts of the past 2 years last night.it was strange because it was a mix of two relationships. things that happened in two different ones to two different people happened but only with the one.i hurt so much right now.my body is so sore. the dream was so intense. i don't understand why this keeps happening. why i do i keep having to relive really painful things?i relived fights, beatings,a horrible pregnancy,being deserted, and thats just to name a few.i hate sleeping. i hate feeling this way and i keep trying to stuff about and people keep bringing me back down.i don't want to think about my baby, or think about what shitty thing my last 2 exes did. or how i fucked up and made them do bad things to me and im sick of hurting

i dreamed of you again last night.it was so real.i don't understand why it is i keep this shit up.it was such an awesome dream.we were laughing and smiling and just having a good old goof ball time.when i woke up i started crying.isn't it great?... );

so sleeping still sucks.i don't know what to do to make it better. ive talked to people both professional and not and neither really helped.i wish i knew how to fix it though because constantly reliving everything is not fucking kool.ive taken pills and poked some smot but i don't want to have to that forever and if i did id still be on migraine meds and painkillers.its not a good way to live and i wouldn't trust myself around that many pills.im going to look into hypnosis i guess because i cant deal with this stuff in a good or "normal" way.ive been going to clubs more frequently though and thats helped a little. maybe ill just have to run myself ragged in the hopes that it will make me sleep so hard i wont dream.ive cut a lot of people out of my life too and thats also helped a little bit, but i feel bad because thats not how i want to be. i care about people way more than i should though. so sometimes its just better for me to be alone. that sounds so fucking awful.its not that i shouldn't care and no matter how much id love to hate people its just not me, and the truth is i will always care no matter how much people hurt me. it fucking sucks hahah. i just need to learn to let things go but i don,t think i can.other people also need to learn to follow through with shit. so its an effort i and others are going to have to work on but only i can work on it for me and for the sake of good things lost. as far as everyone else goes they have to want to be better people.i know more than anyone you cant do it unless you really want too... thanks mom hahah.my family call me more often. thats kinda kool.im going to start taking yoga at the beach.yep yoga hahah. the club things what i missed the most tho and i sleep pretty fucking good when i stay up all night so i think thats my fix. go to clubs and dance my ass off.... alone because theres no one to rely on meeting up with and well just be fucking cause i just don't want to make plans and get fucked hahaha.

its so bad ass to know another chick who drives fast.i had a blast today. we went to the garment district and got a shit load of fabric to make corsets.im so fucking excited. i got some kick ass black fabric, black lace, and gray and black fabric with skulls and other designs on it.then we went to venice beach and that in it self was a fucking blast i want to go again.cause i love hippies ....oh yeah and i used to be one.

i had the most amazing sleep i have ever had.

in silence we fall as the lonely weep in darkness we fail as destined to sleep in terror we live from visions we see until horrible we no longer be

im tired and my eyes hurt but i don't want to go to sleep because im afraid of what dreams i may have . i would be fine if i didn't remember them but im such a visual person and everything is so fucking real in my dreams.too real.i touch i feel i hear i smell i taste and its just tooo real.it sucks so im going to stay up as long as i can.but eventually i shall sleep.i just wish someone would wake me up

does anyone know of anything i can take to not dream?i don't care if i have to take pills everyday,i just want this shit to stop.my head hurts sooo much, my body aches, and im so tired and sad.i just don't want to dream anymore. i think things would be so much better for me if i didn't have to see his face anymore.it was bad enough to deal with when i was little and on top of all the bullshit not being able to hang out with my best buddy kyle just because his dad was a disgusting dick head.now as i enter adulthood it just keeps getting worse.ive lost 20 pounds because i don't have an appetite.i haven't really hung out with anyone because well people are jerks in the first place and i cant anything bad happening right now. everything happens all at once and things going on in my life seem to trigger more dreams or more intense dreams. seeing him at target ruined me and then being at edc by myself for a while a didn't help. my friend wench and deanna found me at the end sitting alone on this grass hill having a freak out and crying. all i could think about that day was all the shit i went through when i was little.i try so hard to not think of what happened but every time i close my eyes i see his fucking face.i try to think of good things like how kyle and i handcuffed ourselves together and spun around when we were little and broke his pair of toy handcuffs and he started crying and i laughed at im and then i cried cause i felt bad.sometimes its helps but most of the time i just go back to thinking about him.i dont want to do it anymore.i just want to forget. i want to forget him and kyle and everything i ever knew about them.i just want it to all go away.

the nightmares come worse than before now, worse than they have in a very long time. i wish they would stop id give anything to make them stop.it hurts so much to keep reliving this shit over and over again.they have gotten more intense since the day i saw him.i never thought id see him again and i thought id be ok but im not. i wake up drenched in tears and sweat and i even wake myself up crying out. ashly's gone so no one is here to wake me up i wish someone would hear me and wake me up. if they knew how much pain i was in they would. cant they tell by the looks on my face? cant they hear my cries. i know that i look afraid and scared and sad because when i wake up every muscle in my body aches so much.i hurt so much inside i want to die being alone doesn't help they seem to get worse when im alone. i try to stay up as long as i can but my headaches are worse and i have to sleep eventually.i even stopped smoking in the hopes that i would be able to stay up for longer but i can't take dreaming like this much longer. i cant it hurts i just want it to stop i wish i knew how to make it stop.i see his face when i close my eyes.i remember everything.i hate this. i hate you!you ruined my childhood and now your ruining my life again.

why do these fucking nightmares always have to come back?seeing vern at target the other day fucked me up really bad. every time i close my eyes all i can see is the shit he did to me when i was little.i dont have anyone to talk to. ive been alone for the past couple days and all i really want is to not be alone.what makes men think that they have a right to hurt little girls or girls in general?how can people be so hurtful?why wont this just go away?my dreams are horrible and i cant get his fucking face out of my head. you disgust me so much.i just dont want to feel anything anymore.i keep running in my dream and i dont get anywhere except right in his path and everytime it ends the same. he wins and i lose. i lose everything.i lose my mind and my happiness each time i close my eyes and i dont want to hurt like this anymore but i dont know what can help.i wish to god i did or that someone did.