Midgit RIP TEDDY J's blog: "life / change"

i understand so much more now. im not angry at you for what you did because now im in the same situation. i thought i could do something.. but now after trying i realised that i just can't. i don't know if its the person , there personality or if its just the idea that being in any sort of relationship right now just a turn off for me.not so much that its a turn off its just not something that is appealing to me right now.i know that eventually i will get lonely and tired but for now its time to be andventious by myself me.No strings, no boys or girls, just friends and fun. im not sayinf im going to go out and fuck like a mad woman either because at this point im sick of dramarama in general and that goes hand in hand with relationships of both the sexual and nonsexual type.i dont want to have to answer to anyone.i do what i want when i want even if it means doing it myself.ive got a better idea of what i want out of life and im going to go get it.

as with anything i have mixed feelings right now.i go in and out of happiness and sadness. thinking of all the events of this past year and all the things ill have to face in my future here.i still have a lot of anger in me from shit that has happend and one thing i dont think i will ever truly get over but i am getting better.i have my moments of reflection that make sad and i still tear up but thats expected.its really hard for me to talk to people i now care about. sometimes i dont say the things that are on my mind and i know i probably should, but its hard for me because i was so used to abuse before its almost like it doenst feel right to say or that im afraid at what type of backlashing i will get even though the things i have to say shouldnt or wouldnt constitute something like that.so yeah im still fucked up, but i recognise and i am working on my issues... even though it may not seem like it.im afraid to be around people right now. i know im still so fragile but strong at the same time.i do things for a reason.i push people away because ive gotten fucked hard this past year... and not in the way id like to be.i know that pushing people away isnt the answer but for right now its what works for me.i know that either way im still going to get hurt and to expect not is just not logical but as you already know .. im mental. hahah i love waynes world.im tired of people not being there and latly ive been the one who hasnt been there.i took a break from everything when i got sick and now im just trying to get back into life.im still really tired but im trying to get my body back to its normal self and normal.. for me sleeping patterns.hopefully it will be soon but work has also been kicking my ass.hopefully ill be back soon.i guess the whole point of this is just to really say that people fucking suck ass sometimes.. again not in a good way. but eventually your bound to find at least one good person who wont fuck you over.hopefully youll have the ability to let them in and not push them out.im trying

1: go sky diving 2: record at least one of my songs 3: Love

ill never get to rock you while you sleep.ill never get to hold you while eat.ill never watch you grow up and ill never get to hear you call me mommy.people say it gets better with time..but it doesn't.it doesn't hurt any less, i don't feel any less at fault,i just feel sad.i try to do things to keep you off my mind, but i can't.i still dream of you with me and every time i wake up its so hard to tell myself thats all it was.. a dream.the hardest thing is knowing that we could have gotten away, if only i had known i had you on the way. People say i shouldn't get depressed and that its all going to be o.k.would you really feel that way if your child was gone? would you still honestly be able to look at me and say that your o.k? i don't think so.in fact i think if things were different and tables were turned you'd feel the way i feel everyday.

You would be 51 today.you left 4 years ago and life just hasn't been as fun without you. you gave me my big sister, her 2 wonderful little sister and so many laughs.i miss you so much and i wish that you could have stayed with us longer so you could see how awesome Sarah , Cameron and Candace are doing.Cameron Graduated high school this year and started college last week.Arthur, Sarah's step son turned 7 yesterday,Harrison will turn 5 in October. I turned 20 a couple days ago. I think about you a lot and how very lucky i was to be around you and your kids and i know it must have been hard for you. thank you sooo much for giving me big sister and sharing your new family with me. We miss you

i think im finally ready to let you fade. im strong enough without you now i know everything will be o.k. i washed you away today i watched you swirl down the drain i said good bye to all my tears and all my pain im never going to let you hurt me again once i thought you were the solution to my pain but you were really just another problem gained fade my love for i love you not my hardened heart's unwilling

im trying to be more open and im doing a lot of shit on my own im ready for anything right now hhhah im tired im going to bed

i had a really good conversation with my boss and she gave me a really good perspective.she told me the story of her and her current boyfriend and how they were together years ago and broke up.During there time apart each of them grew and prayd for each other to become what they needed to be for themselves.after years apart they were able to come back together and make things work.she and her boyfriend are both religious and im not but the way they put it just made sence. they said while they were both praying for each other that god was working and trying to make them what each person needed. Now i don't really agree with the god part but i do agree with the fact that time apart gave them the chance to grow.based on that ive decided that people just aren't ready for a person like me.all the people in the world are just busy growing.Maybe im just too much for people to handle.

ashly asked what was wrong with me yesterday and i told her nothing really i just don't care about anything anymore.then i rephrased what i had said and told her actually the truth of the matter is i do care and i can't stand it.i look that came over her face was so sad , like i somehow have gotten lost and theres no return in sight.what it all comes down to is my fucking loneliness.now im fine with doing stuff on my own in fact sometimes its just easier.the real factor in the way ive been feeling and acting is the fact that all the people i used to be able to depend on either aren't around anymore or they are but they just aren't reliable like they once were. thats what makes me so sad.Im rapidly approaching an age i never though id come to know. i honestly thought id be dead before i reached adulthood. hahah im going to be 20 in eight fucking days.i went to 6 flags last week because ive been trying to go for three or four months and everyone kept flaking so i just went and you know it was pretty fucking kool. now i just need to stop flaking on my own plans hahah i always plan to go to clubs i used to go to and lately ive been getting ice cream and eating it all instead... isnt that sick? i really am kind of content with the way things are i just wish people could be how they used to be.as for myself im trying to be more accepting of how things just are. Im going to do everything on my own.

do you ever feel like everyones out to get you ? i do to an extent and i feel pretty bad about it because i feel so estranged from people i was once so incredibly close with. its just sad.i miss people sometimes