Midgit RIP TEDDY J's blog: "life / change"

I dealt with a lot of shit today. i talked to my mom about all the things ive gone through this year. it hurt her and i didn't want too but she needed to know.i even showed her my arm.i explained that its a way of protecting myself. if people see this stupid chick with hate carved into her arm they wouldn't be likely to talk to her or want to get close ... unless they are crazy.thats my main goal.. to not be hurt i know its a goal that will never actually become a reality but it makes me feel a little bit better to see that ive gone through so much and that im still here.its rough and i would really like to shoot myself at times , but life will get better.its got too... cant get any lower than this year anyway... i fucking hope!i lied about something really really horrible but for some reason i felt it was my only option... very fucking stupid and fucked up.i moved a shit load of boxes.. actually my moms entire storage unit for my mom, because my brother like most other people found booz more important than people. Thats been a big factor in why my life has sucked lately, people are Flakes and don't realize how much the little things they don't do hurt people.Its funny i see my sister who lives in another state more often then my brother and hes just a city away, its pretty sad that he wont be a part of us.in a way i understand why hes not around though.My family is fucking crazy, if you couldn't already tell from all these stupid blogs and pictures i post.I want to run away too. alot! but even though they haven't always been there in the way ive needed them, we have this river of red liquid that matches each other in some way hahahaha and that kinda keeps us connected even though were so far apart.As for me i explained how i feel to my mom and how i could never talk to her about things because shes a fucking blabber mouth and i told her about my baby and all the drama that came with it, then i told her if she said anything to anyone about it id never ever fucking ever speak to her again. i think she finally got it.im fine with people knowing now, but its my life to tell not hers.i blubbered like a baby for an hour until i puked my brains out hahah that was fun.. but hey at least im getting skinny. im so bad.as for what i want to do with my life. i wanna be a hippie chick again.thats the real me of course with a twist hahah tattoos , a shit load of ink, and a bad attitude when i need too have one.oh i also forgot to mention music. music is just me! i don't think my voice is good but people have always told me i sing well so what the fuck.besides performing is what i fucking live for. i can also do side stuff like photography , and teaching.Ive got to grow up a lot though.as for boy toys and tit's , well ive got the rest of my life to be a bad girl, and trust me i will be. as for that baby thing. that sucked and always will but i did the best i could in the situation and did the best thing for me , the fetus , and all you awesome tax payers. as for the future, i have no fucking clue what it holds but i hope its good and if not well then i can always bum it with my guitar at Venice Beach hahahah. ITS GOING TO BE OK. LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE, EVEN IF ITS SHITTY IT COULD GET WORSE AND ... WELL PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU MORE IF YOUR HAPPY AND LOVING TOO...unless there a scrooge

by and by i fall slipping away before my very eyes i grasp at anything to make me feel sane for anything to take my pain alone in this place just me and my mind im slipping away

for the first time in a long time i feel fucking awesome. spank you robert!and now im off to bed because it sleepy time.

im really sad and i dont really feel like party mode but the last time i saw you you kept telling me to not cry and to not be sad so even tho i am im going to try to have fun today for you grandma. i love you so much and i wish i could be with you.i should be with you on my birthday if things go as planned.then i wont hurt anymore and no one else will die nothing bad just nothing. i cant wait for that to be.ill meet you where ever you are one day granny and i help you bake pies and we can sew together just like we did when i was little. i love you have a happy 4th of july -love always and forever kit

im trying to not be sad i know you didnt want people to cry and i have a lot but im trying really hard not to. its just hard because i know im never going to hug you or kiss you,or hear you call me kit or kitty. im never going to bake another pie, or eat cookies and coffee with you,your never going to help me sew or see me get married or have a baby and you wont get to make my things for when i get married like you did when i was a flower girl. ill miss you sooo much. love always and forever your baby kit

why does everything have to hurt so much?why cant we just get hurt and hurt for a few minutes and be done with it? im so fucking tired of hurting. all i want is to feel good for a while and not have drama or anything like that.it hurts. life in general just hurts and it sucks. i dont want to cry as much as i do all the time and i dont want to feel lonely, i dont want to feel much of anything.i just wish i knew what could make it better.

thats right fook you guss!i dont give a fuck if you like who i am or if you like what i do. im a stripper, a carpet tech, a receptionist and swim instructor. i love to dance sing listen to music and have fun.im also a body modification freak and concrete kinda shoe sex junkie hahahahahha gotta love wendy o and that kickass band the plasmatics. im also extremely anti religious.I may be a dirty sinner but i'll never stop because you dissaprove. about regrets i have a few my biggest being an issue in my tummy tum.thats life. This is me.Im not taking shit from anyone anymore.so fuck with me all you want.ill fuck your day up :)

do you have the answer? is it yes or no ?i feel!i feel all this shit everyday.i try to trust but time and time again i get stabbed in the back.all the people i care about are dieing, or leaving or just dont give a fuck about me.i already have issues with that shit bc of my mom and dad.im so afraid of everything.i lay in bed at night and think about everything i think thats my biggest problem.i think about everything way too much thats why i dont talk much.im constantly trhinking about how people are going to screw me over.i dont feel like i can rely on anyone.i want to be able to but everyone always becomes unreliable. the procrastination nation filled with people who dont give a fuck.what the hell is wrong with everyone. if you say your going to do something then fucking do it.if you say your going to be there for someone then be there and dont make plans and then break them over and over and over again because that hurts.i have my good days and my bad but almost everyday im affraid of what shithead thing is going to happen and make me feel even shittier than the day before.i also dont like how people act and think that im a bitch for getting upset when they fuck up and im fucking sick of being lonely.people have this way of just makeing me feel like nothing. it sucks balls and not in the fun kinky way ! so fook you guss!

i thought about you today,not to say that i dont think about you everyday because i do and i always will.i was listening to music that i played for you when i was sick.i still feel bad about everything that happened to you and thats something that wont change either because i still feel like its all my fault.it hurts so much. i didnt do a very good job at protecting you or even protecting myself and its not fair.id change things in a heartbeat to take care of you.

im sick of hurting.i wish i didnt have to but i guess its what life is all about.people come and go and they always leave there mark weather you like it or not . it sucks and people are fucking mean