Midgit RIP TEDDY J's blog: "life / change"

ive always been a hard working employee, and with the exception of two surgeries and about a month i took off work to go visit my grandma(who is sick with cancer)ive had a job and at times multiple jobs since i was 16.i have the potential too make a lot of money with the current situation im in. i have two jobs and i figure with the money i pulled in working last night and some more hard work i can be in my own apartment in two weeks or less.this is what i would like to do because im sick of people fucking me over, and i woulod just like to have my own place for once.it could be my own personal chaotic house,with food lots of yummy food and weed and maybe even lots of weed food hahahah so this is just a hope. i also hope that i can work enough and save enough to be able to go back to school and who knows maybe even actually start singing and playing guitar again.i also want to work on my photography i miss it,so i guess i really just want to have fun

live! this life is ever changing pain and sarrow joy and laughter breathe sustain the life maintain happiness peace push away the negativity embrace the purist form of life love always taken forgranted forever causing pain life! make it before time is freed from your grasp

its funny how people around you think your ok even though inside your dieing.i guess thats what my life is going to be a huge lie. thats how im living. plastic smile and a plastic life, just hiding the shattered pieces inside

life has not been that great these past few months. but im hoping things are just going to go up from here. i dont see how they could fall i mean i was at a pretty low point in life a few weeks ago and i still am as far as my current mind set goes.oh what the fuck hahah the looking glass cant be this crazy forever

i wonder if it will ever go away it seems all i feel is pain.i want so much to just be happy again. i told jesse the other day after he said he'd kill me jokingly to go ahead and that i had accomplished a lot already. i said i graduated high school, attended some college, got my drivers license and mastered in baby killing.why do things have to be so hard? cant we all just be heartless minions? i wish i could be. i wish the things i did and the things others have done and will do to me wouldn't affect me but they do and its just the most retched feeling ever. i sometimes wish dieing was easier. people always tell me ive survived a lot. but honestly a lot of times i wish i hadn't because life is so unpleasant sometimes. its not really that i wish i was dead i just wish i didnt exist sometimes. i know its a morbid way of thinking but i cant help it its how i feel.ever since i was a little girl ive woken up and wished that i could erase the day before or just erase activities i had done and not do them.i s that normal? i don't really know what to think anymore . all i know is that ive had these strange feelings inside me and i dont know what to do with them . do i ignore them? do i seek professional help? do i slit my wrist and hope it works? or take countless pills and other various drugs and really hope that they work this time. why is it that other people find solace in these things. why the fuck do i keep staying here in this place and why is it so hard for me my own sister did it on accident and luckily was revived but still i hear stories about all these people taking the easy selfish way out why the fuck cant i? i question my very being every day i wake up thinking im still here and i go to bed thinking maybe something awful will happen maybe a fire or a crash. i wake up and venture off into my day thinking of all the possible ways it could all just end. someone could crash into me. and i've had these thoughts since i was little as well. i know its not normal for any sane person to have these thoughts but i'm sure by now you've gathered that i'm not really all that sane. so what will become of me will i die soon or die a miserable old hag filled with a life of regrets and nothing to show for it? or will someone put me out of my sweet misery? i wish i had the answers.hell i wish i could just be happy but i hurt so much inside and people i care about get angry because i don't talk or laugh very much but who the fuck wants to hear about how miserable someone is? no one really. so i keep it locked away inside me or release it in some sort of writing like a new song or something to that sort.all i know is that right now i'm dieing a slow miserable death and i don't want to do it anymore and i just wish all this shit and all this pain would go away

i wish this pain would go away. i wish i could forget this past year and forget all the shit ive gone through.i wish i would have left last year like i had planned i think things would be a lot better than they are right now. im such a miserable person i have so much going on inside me and i cant deal with all of it. i came home the other night and my friends mom asked me what was wrong and i just stared at her for a second and took a deep breath and said nothing im just thinking about my day before i go out to dinner. little did she know i just cried for over an hour.ive been avoiding talking to my family and most of my friends just because i dont really want to deal with anything right now. i signd up for a boxing class i figured it would help with some of my agression and maybe help get me into the shape i used to be hahahah . i dont know what im going to do as far as life goes i guess its really just time for me to start living mine.ive gotten rid of a lot of my stuff and i still need to get rid of more but that will all happen shortly when im ready to let go of more. my goal is to have very little so that when im finally ready to leave this place it will be easy. no goodbyes or tears or boyfriends or girlfriends just pack and go to start my life on my own for once in some far away place im hoping germany but if not i will go someplace.im going to better this time. im not going to date anyone. im not going to try to make friends.im going to leave this place with my guitar some clothes and my notebook of songs. a compilation of all the shit ive had to deal with over these past couple of years. maybe one day someone will here my songs or maybe they wont maybe i will stay content playing for myself hahah i know its my greatest passion ive been told by so many people that performing is what i was meant for but im a chicken shit hahah and im ok with that.but now its time for me to start caring about me and protecting myself from the evils of the world. ill never let someone in again.im going to lock my heart away and keep it tight in my grasp and end up a bitter old woman in a nursing home because thats better than being put through pain and agony of relationships. it would be better to me to be alone and not get cheated on or get left alone at the one moment in your life when you need and want someone to just be by yourside the most. i never want to have that feeling ever again. i never want to sit alone in the dark crying. i nver want to be in pain alone and scared and angry with choices ive made i never want to become the person that was good once and turned into something completly void of emotion or feeling. i dont know where im going and i dont know what im doing but im going to do something and all i know is that i never want to feel like this again . i never want to make the choice i had to make by myself. i never want to do something so awful alone again . so the best way to avoid that is just to not do the things that brought me to that place. i made bad choices did stupid things and hurt a life and i feel awful about it but what makes me feel really bad is im the only one who really cares about it.i dont know how people can be so heartless but it breaks my heart to know thats what and how people have become. most of all it just hurts

i had a really hard time dealing with shit today i held everything for the beginning of the day and then freaked out at the end i sat in my car when i got got home and just started crying i stayed in the fucking car for an hour and just cried i thought id be ok with everything but im not i feel so awful about everything that has gone on in the past couple months

you left me alone when i needed you the most i hope you can live with yourself dont try and make yourself feel better by saying i never asked you to stay i did and i shouldnt have had to ask you left me alone on the floor crying in pain i had surgery because of you and you left me alone so that you could go drink when you came home instead of checking on me you took the tv out of my room just so it could sit on the floor in the living room and not get used then you made me move me stuff out the next day even though i wasn't supposed to because it could hurt me or make me bleed and you got mad at me when i said i had to stop because i started bleeding really bad. you even got pissed when i didnt come to get the rest of my stuff the next day because i had to go to the hospital to get checked out because i was bleeding to much and told me you were going to start throwing my stuff away.you used to be a better person then this. i cant believe how much of a jerk you were and yes i did and said some things that werent very good but you have done so many worse things i cant even begin to tell you how much you hurt me.you threw me against a wall when i was pregnant and you threw a tv at me. everywhere i go i see you.i have memories of all the things we used to do and i cant make it stop and i wish to god i could.at one time you were a very nice man but now your a horrible childish person and i hope that one day you'll be able to stop drinking and be someone with a little bit of honor and dignity. i hope you remember all of this and i hope you never do it to anyone else because it hurts more than you'll ever know. you said you didn't want it to end like this but your the one that made it this way. you push all the people who care about you away. i know i push too and i have since i was a kid i hate letting people get close to me because i don't want to deal with the same shit i dealt with as a kid . its people like you that make me keep pushing. i let you get close to me and you hurt me really bad. maybe i will end up alone and i can live with that.im afraid to try and be with anyone anyways. thank you so much for just making it more clear to me how much people suck.

ah yes my uterus is now fixed lol and christ it fucking hurt and dr. ibuprofin does not make it all better you fuckers

i never would have done the things i did if i had known about you.im sorry i wish i could take it all back but i cant and its not fair to you im soo fucking sorry