CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Ramblings"

My god am I ever a friggin mess right now. I just talked to Rudi semi telling him how I feel. Asking him what he wants to become of all this. He said he wants to be able to get me to stay here in Germany permanently but cant do it at the time being. He said he was waiting for a better time. I told him I cant do this back and forth thing, not knowing where I will stay or what I will do is tearing me up inside. I know my status most of the day has been listed as sick, I think it is more of a depression hitting me hard. How can I not feel this way? I love that man with all my heart and to be honest I am sure that I would do the back and forth thing again if thats what he wants. I just hate the fact of not knowing what my future is bringing in, ya I understand that it is a future and one never knows their actual future. But I do know that right now my mind is spinning out of control. I have ALWAYS been a person that thinks way too much.