CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Ramblings"

Today October 19th I choose to be happy, and if I cant be happy I sure as hell can fake it. My hunni will be home in a few hours and he certainly dont need to see the emotions I have had the past few days, yet he has heard them all in my voice. Today I choose to show Rudi just how much I love him, to shower him with my love and admiration. Today I choose to smile, even if I feel like I am dying on the inside, nobody will see it on the outside. Today is a new day and I choose to look at it as just that.

Once again another tearful night.....this song is in my head with my mood. I am the one to cry :(

Well we did have the opportunity to speak a little more on cam and mic tonight. He was stressing on different financial issues, such as he will need another type of insurance for the work he is doing, right now he is paying like 600 euros for the current insurance and it will add an additional 300 euros a month, then he has child support, he is working on getting his license and a car for the business since he works a few hours away. At that time I told him I feel like I am a burden on him, the first thing QUICKLY out of his mouth was WHATS that for BULLSHIT. I told him that he keeps me in food, cigarettes etc. He said he wouldnt do it if he couldnt. He also told me the money he is saving in the jar can be used for my ticket back here to Germany. So that at least tells me what he wants. He asked me about getting an apartment in Spokane, I dont think he realizes just how much that costs. and when I told him I didnt have furniture or anything else, I think he was didnt realize that I had given that all away before my first trip over here. Yes I had high hopes and still do even though its very hard :(

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore The worst is over now and we can breathe again I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore --------------------------- I dont know why but this is so my mood right now

My god am I ever a friggin mess right now. I just talked to Rudi semi telling him how I feel. Asking him what he wants to become of all this. He said he wants to be able to get me to stay here in Germany permanently but cant do it at the time being. He said he was waiting for a better time. I told him I cant do this back and forth thing, not knowing where I will stay or what I will do is tearing me up inside. I know my status most of the day has been listed as sick, I think it is more of a depression hitting me hard. How can I not feel this way? I love that man with all my heart and to be honest I am sure that I would do the back and forth thing again if thats what he wants. I just hate the fact of not knowing what my future is bringing in, ya I understand that it is a future and one never knows their actual future. But I do know that right now my mind is spinning out of control. I have ALWAYS been a person that thinks way too much.

How can I feel so alone when I have someone that makes my heart pound and rush whenever I look at them or think of them. I am feeling self pity right now not knowing where I am going to stay when I go back to the states. I feel so confused and so alone. Maybe one day I will have a place to call 'home' again. Right now I feel like a ping pong ball that keeps getting bounced off the table. Next week I am getting a new tattoo with the word strength written in Japanese Kanji on my back. Perhaps if I believe in something strong enough it will give me strength.

I just talked to my mom and shit is gonna be off the hook when I go back to the states because now I am gonna have a time limit as to how long I stay there. Right now I am feeling fu'd all around :(

Have you ever been afraid of whats next? Right now I am deathly afraid of whats going to happen once I go back to the United States with my boyfriend and my relationship. When I look at him its hard to fight back the tears. One man that I finally gave my heart to, it scares the beejesus out of me. I don't want to give up hope because it is something I truly believe in, my biggest fear is that he will give up. He has his business now and everything is going great for him, I dont want him to feel that I am a burden. I havent brought this up to him because I am scared of the outcome. For those that are new friends, I met my bf online over a year ago. This is my second 3 month stunt in Germany (he has bought the tickets and supported me both times). What can I do to make him REALLY SEE what he means to me. I swear words just arent enough anymore....