Sitting here pondering just a little bit..
kind of thinking about blogging but so many thoughts are going through my head. wouldnt know where to begin!
I keep asking myself questions, that I can not come up with the answers to, and me myself knows that I am one that likes to have things analyzed and not left hanging.
I guess one of the questions I keep asking myself is how can one man be so perfect?
----guess there is not really an answer to this one. All I keep coming up with is someone who makes my heart leap everytime I see him must be perfect to me.
Next question would I keep asking is how did he possibly tear down the walls that I had built so tall?
----guess my answer to that one would be someone that keeps going after they want are eventually going to get what they want. In other words dont give up, everything is within reach, it may just take a little more time then desired.
Next question would be could life be anymore beautiful?
----all I keep answering myself on that one is at this moment, no. I have everything I could possiblly want. The top thing on that is being someone that I love very much.
As I told him when I met him I didnt think I wanted to love again, I was sick of the pain, the hurt and the deceit. I tried like mad to push him away, to make him not like me. But he was bound and determined, and well guess what? I am now in Germany and couldnt be happier!
----------7 March 2007 TR
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9 März 2007
Yes that was wrote in Deutsch.....I feel I may as well practice while I can. Today is Friday, been in Germanty for 2 weeks and 3 days now. Feelings about that? Happy of course. There still are not words to describe the situation to paint the picture as perfect as it feels. Yet I do get frustrated at not understanding the language, everything here is perfect. So different from the states; and by that I mean everything from the houses and apartments down to the items in the grocery store. I seem to have taken alot for granted being from the states, let me tell you I will definately have my eyes open now. I have Rudi to thank for that, one man, so perfect that has given me the opportunity to see the grass on the other side of the fence. Kind of how the saying goes the grass is always greener? Can say that cuz of all the rain here but I am not looking at it as grass, I am looking at it as an opportunity that one person has given me to open my eyes and see that there is life besides hiding out in a computer room pretending to be someone that I am not. Right now the world does seem very scary to me and for the simple being that I dont know whats going to happen next. Seems when I was back in the states my days were pretty easily lined up even though I did nothing besides sit on the pc all day every day, may sound crazy but at least I knew at that time what was going to be happening the next day. Right now I have so many dreams, dreams that I havent had in a long time. I know what I want, yet dont know how to obtain these dreams quite at this moment. But one day at a time will teach me more and more to see if these dreams become my reality. I know I have had one dreamed fulfilled, the dream of having the greatest man on this earth in my life. I know he doesnt realize how great he is but in my mind he couldnt be more perfect. Being able to reach out and touch someone so real is breath-taking, cuz as I have explained before that someone like this has only occurred to me in dreams, dreams that couldnt be reached. He has given me the floor to take those steps (so to speak), and I realize that those steps need to be baby ones to begin with, you definately cant run without learning to walk first. That would make life just too easy if every thing that we wished for was handed to us. Then what would the world be? We wouldnt learn anything. Ok I am babbbbbbbling! So enough for now!
-----TR
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11 März 2007
Guten Morgen! Just wanted to add a few words here before I get busy with my day! Life is fantastic! I woke this morning watching my Angel sleep and was so at peace. Then funny thing I came out of the room turned the radio on and the song On Top of the World was playing. That song describes me perfectly. I am on top of the world, looking down on creation, seeing everything through new eyes. As I told my Angel, I wake up with a smile every morning, a big change from when I was in the states and waking up with a grim smirk, not happy to be awake, but now I wake up happy, its great to see an Angel when you first wake up, it really warms your heart! Alright I will add more later! Today life is beautiful and I will enjoy it!
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12 März 2007
Not quite what to write about today but figured I better get a few words in. Yesterday was fantastic, Rudi and I went for quite the walk. Was beautiful and very peaceful. The paths along the river were beautiful. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks in Germany and I am still very much at awe, I guess it would still be considered a little bit of a culture shock, but I prefer the word awe so much better. It is beautiful out today, as it was yesterday. I guess it doesnt rain every day in Germany, haha! Every day I do wonder whats to come with my life, but it is kind of nice to take one day at a time. The peacefulness is simply amazing, that is the only way to describe it. Its so nice not to have to be on the edge, living defensive all the time. These past three weeks have been really good for the soul. Back home I was always defensive with everyone, waiting for the next attack never knowing how it would turn out. Now the soul has taken over and there hasnt been one day that I havent had a smile on my face. I still so badly want to learn Deutsch, watching television is difficult for me but I am finding that every day I seem to understand a little bit more. I want to be able to carry on a simple conversation, even if its very little. I admire Rudi for knowing 2 languages so well, I just hope one day I can be that smart. The motivation is there I just need the practice and the un derstanding of what the words are. Ok well I guess I did figure somethings out to write about but I will close this for now, will either add more later or tomorrow.
--TR
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14 März 2007 17:48
Ok just sitting here so I decided to add on to this a little bit. Once again not quite sure what I am going to say in this, just will let the words flow. Three weeks and 1 day in Germany, it sure doesn´t seem that long. I am getting more attached to the man in my life moment by moment. Someone that knows me better then most, it is kind of scary cuz I have not let anyone in like this in a long time. It is nice though, cuz for once I have someone to share my every thought with if I so desire. I can feel him too, the happiness, the stress and other feelings I can feel. That worries me at times cuz there are times when I feel like I am in his way or that I am holding him back. What I mean by that is that I feel at times he would have it alot easier if I werent here. I hate those thoughts but I can´t help but think them at times. I have been feeling cruddy lately and I think its cuz at least once a day I stress myself out quite a bit. Leads to those fun stress headaches. I need to just think peaceful thoughts all the time, but that doesn´t quite happen. Especially when I feel what I see him feeling. I still dont´t know what kind of spell he put on me (hahaha!) but I can definately say wow to it. I don´t think there has been a time in my life ever when I have had feelings like these. But ok enough for now I will add more later. Trying to decide if I will be posting this on myspace or cherry, hell maybe I will put it in both.
----T
