Jake from State Farm's blog: "Stories"

It was the end of the week, it was rough for both us. Not wanting to stay home for the weekend, as the walls were dingy with familiarity and the windows tainted with sameness. I proclaimed "Road Trip! Let's go and get out of town. I don't care where, you'll drive and I'll navigate. Let's see where the road will lead us." She hesitates "I don't know, the last time we did this we ended up in that one horse town and had to shoot the horse."

"Well, how I was supposed to know how to shoe a horse, besides the horse needed that tetnus shot anyhow" I replied.

We pack our backpacks with camping implements of destructions. sleeping bags, water purifying pills, cast iron pan, spacious tent GPS locator and satellite phone. Seeing how expeditions can turn into an adventure real quick, I decided we're not too proud not to have modern luxuries. She packs an extra bag and I inquired about it "Never you mind, it'll be a surprise." Great. just what I need. With destinations unknown all I need now is unexpected surprises from her. I remember our last trip. She left a mark....I don't think I'll ever forget that trip. Although my therapist had a great laugh from that session at my expense. Good thing he's cheap and related. 

Wandering Man was 12 years old and wanted to scare his younger sister, Annie who is 5 years younger. His basic plan was to jump up from the bathtub saying "boo" when Annie entered the bathroom.

The bathrom is located in middle of house and it has no windows at all. it is very dark and Annie has trouble with it being so dark. So Wandering Man was laying in the bathtub for 45 minutes waiting for Annie. Well, the door opened and light turned on and Wandering Man almost popped up when he realized it was his dad, Kerry. Knowing full well how much trouble he'd get into, Wandering Man did his best to be quiet.

Kerry unbuckled his pants, sat down and proceeded to shit. Kerry was grunting and it made Wandering Man nervous because laughter & chuckling isn't needed right now. Wandering Man was thinking "Dad needs more fiber in his diet."

And that was the last time Wandering Man did that.

Wandering Man was 2.5 years old and his parents recently got back together after a short separation (which affected him deeply and sorely missed his step-dad) So, Wandering Man didn't let his dad out of his sight for two whole weeks. Kerry & Wandering Man would go on long walks getting to know each other again. Now Wandering Man has a thing for nylons. Not wearing them or even sexual in nature. He just loved the feel of nylons on legs.

Now Kerry being a fisherman by heart and grease monkey has found the nearest all girl school near by. Walking by Kerry would point out "There is one, Wandering Man." and he'd walk up and start feeling the legs and say "Oh...nice." Kerry would play the "embarrassed dad" bit. the girls would giggle "Oh, he's so cute..." Then Kerry would tell son "You can't do that." And they'd walk off looking for another nylon wearing female. In San Fransisco during the early 1970's, there wasn't a shortage. Now Roberta often wondered where her husband and son went on their walks so she followed them one day. Caught them red-handed.

And that was the end of Wandering Man & Kerry walks.

Roberta & her newly wed husband Kerry moved to San Fransisco shortly after the wedding.

Both sides of family opposed the marriage. The father of the groom got him drunk the night before trying to convince him otherwise. So the groom looked his best the next day. Now the judge performing the ceremony knew the groom very well. As the groom was in court more often than not during his teen years for various law infractions. Mostly public nuisance & drunkenness. Judge asked the bride "Ms. Jones, are you sure you want to marry this man?"

"Yes I do, your honor."

"Are you sure? Do you know what you're getting into?" he asked again, seeing how young she was.

"I want to marry this man." Roberta replied, she noticed the groom had trouble standing and was leaning on his father.

So, in San Fransisco they started their lives together. Kerry a fisherman by trade but had mechanical skills, so he got a job at Union 76 as a grease monky. Roberta & Wandering Man took daily walks everywhere. She didn't know how to drive a car and besides, they only had one vehicle. On their many walks, Wandring Man grew his Wanderlust, for they walked 6 miles just for a slushie. There were several parks along the way, so they had picnics and Robera allowed Wandering Man to burn off excess energy.

One sunny summer day, walking home Roberta & Wandering Man were playing their "Catch me if you can"game, where Roberta would run ahead and Wandering Man would try to catch up. Well, he felt urge to use the swirly, badly. He yelled out "Ma! I need to go poo!" But Roberta didn't hear him and Wandering Man had a problem. He was no longer wearing a diaper and he really didn't want to soil his underwear, they were Superman and he just got it the week before. So, he was running funny, his right hand holding his butt thinking that would hold it in.

It didn't. No longer able to wait until he got him, he filled his underwear.

Very mad at his mom, he walked home and very angry because Roberta didn't come back in time to help with his problem. His mom got the silent treatment for the rest of the night.

We're home alone.
Soft rock playing low on cd player.
We're dancing slow, I'm holding you from behind, hands on hips.
We're moving in unison to the beat.
Your head tilting to right, I'm nuzzling your neck.
I'm tasting you, licking, nibbling...
Just Getting Lost...

Wandering Man was 7 years or so his mom volunteered their help moving friend. It was across town and they ended late and Roberta & Wandering Man stayed the night. He was on other side of town and no vehicle so Wandering Man walked to school. He remembered his 1st grade teacher telling the class where she lived. He decided he might as well walk with her to school.

Knocking on front door, an older lady answers he asks "Is Missus King here?" the older lady says "I'm Mrs. King." Wandering Man replies "You're not Missus King."

"Oh, you must mean my daughter, let me go get her."

Now, this is makes the teacher feel special. She gushed over Wandering Man all the way to school. In elementary school, they line up before entering but the Missus King grabbed Wandering Man hand and said "Follow me." Special treatment because he walked his teacher to school. Thus began his fascination with older women.

Wandering man is 4 years old and visiting his cousins. Two  male cousins Ken & Randy. Both are country bumpkins, which is to say when they are bored, rest assured, it won't last long. Randy the older cousin always had something to do and a place to go. He gathered up some wood and made his own hide-out. But that comes later.

Ken & Wandering Man were closer to age and that suited them fine. Perfect partners in crime, Ken convincing Wandering Man get into plenty of trouble and @ 4 years old. It did not take much convincing.

Wandering Man is an early riser always have been, much to Roberta's dismay. Well, Ken isn't an early riser but since Wandering Man is here, there is plenty to do. Who is to say what goes on in 4 year old minds? They thought it would be great to run around outside naked, avoiding cars & trucks as they drive by. (It is a small town, population 1,200. not much traffic @ 7 am) The road wasn't paved, still compacted dirt so there was no sidewalks only ditches & shrubs. Since it was still winter, it wasn't very warm out anyhow. Wandering Man & Ken did not think this out thoroughly. Running barefoot on cold dirt, rocks and into shrubs naked wasn't the best idea. Being 4 years old, they did not remember to check the door because they got locked out. Now, they realize the trouble they're in. Having to knock on the door to wake up their mothers, they had no choice. "What were you thinking going ouside naked?! In the wintertime!" a slight open hand spanking did the trick. Ken & Wandering Man accepted their punishment, as if they knew worse spankings were coming. Now that the mood is set for rest of day, the mothers upset with their male children, told them to take a bath. Basically out of sight, out of mind and how much trouble can they get in the bathtub?

Times were lean back then. Often the men had to hustle to get some grub on the table, which always amazed Roberta. her brother-in-law Eddie earned the name Fast Man. If you needed anything and wanted it quick, you called Eddie and he'd have it for you within the hour. Eddie was gone fishing, months for this trip. So groceries were low and so was the expendables. Toilet paper was low. Ken & Wandering Man was taking a bath, the roll was there and it accidently got wet. Well,a couple of 4  year old boys and wet toilet paper thrown all over the place is the neatest thing ever. It splattered nicely on wall, ceilings, which took several tries for small arms couldn't throw high enough. Not to mention the water all over the floor mixed in with toilet paper. Great times for Ken & Wandering Man...until the mothers walked in to view the damage.

Bare butts & metal egg turners makes for good punishment. 3 whacks and they were well behaved for the rest of the day.

Dear readers, this isn't a story about Knights in Shining armor nor a story about a couple falling in love. This is a tale of a Wandering Man who through no fault of his own, finding himself in strange situations not of his doing.

The tale begins long ago when his mother was going through contractions.  Being a small town, there was no hospitals, only mid-wives. The nearest hospital was 10 miles away on another island. Her dad got excited and told oldest daughter "Go get Mabel!" For Mabel was the mid-wife in town. Very trusted as she helped deliver half the town. Which is to say, she was ancient and well traveled. Roberta, having been delivered by Mabel 16 years ago got really upset. "No! I don't want Mabel to mid-wife my baby! She's the Crypt Keeper! My baby will be born in a hospital, damn it!"

Roberta, being very stubborn, has set her foot down. She will not deliver the baby in the small village by a mid-wife. She made her older brother-in-law convince the bush pilot to fly 10 miles in the middle of a snow storm. Now for those foreign to transportation in Southeast Alaska. Two modes of travel. By boat or airplane. Now planes in southeast are equipped with patoons. Being seaplanes, they can crash & sink if they hit a floating log. So, flying in middle of winter, in a snow storm is very dicey.

Let's just say Roberta's brother-in-law is very convincing. But it took some convincing and the birthing was well under way.

The flight was uneventful, with the occasional contraction and both brother-in-law & pilot becoming concerned "Don't have the baby right now!" as if that had any effect. Having "landed" they docked the plane and going up the elevator when the first serious contraction occurred, they said "Don't have the baby here! We're almost to the hospital!" But seeing how Mother Nature and women have their own agenda, they rarely listen to the men-folk. Roberta was clad in a dress, for easier birthing. Being young and first child, she figured it would be best. Now, apparently "we're almost to the hospital!" was the key word for Wandering Man made his appearnce in this world. The pilot somewhat experienced in delivering, this was his first human being. Normally, it is dead animals and people able to walk on their own. Other than being born on elevator lift heading to the hospital. The birth was uneventful. The new mother & child made it to hospital safely. And that is how Wandering Man made his entrance into this world.

Walking in quietly you do not hear my footsteps, your attention is focused. Your back is to me, I walk up behind you, grab your hips, hands slowly grasp and I pull you in. I begin nuzzling your neck. You lean back into me, my hands slowly explore, fingers lightly tap and massage. Wearing a summer dress it is flimsy and very sheer. My fingers find your mound, it is hot to the touch. Massaging, kneading, exploring...I begin to pull up your dress wanting to get closer. Our breathing becomes ragged, passion building. Dress up and I find your warmth, your wetness, finding your nodule. I massage gently, back and forth and it hardens with anticipation. My member hardens with eagerness, it presses against your cheeks. Fingers exploring, spreading you, getting slick with your juices. I massage your lips, flipping back and forth, going in and out. You cannot wait any longer and bend over and demand I take you. Not one to disobey you, I pull down my gym shorts and place myself between your cheeks, finding you hot and wet, I penetrate with ease. Holding onto your hips I begin our dance of lust. You meet me with each thrust, your ass perfectly bounces against me. I am getting lost in the passion...

My alarm goes off and I grumpily turn it off and start my day in a bad mood.

"Well, your parents sound very supportive.  Mine were alright. Mom taught me how not to feel sorry for myself. I made the mistake of telling her how no longer had the desire to live and mom grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall and said 'Look, you want to end your life? I'll do it right now. Do you want me to do it? I will. I'm your mom and I love you but I'll end your life if you want me to' you can see what my answer was. And dad? well, let me just say his best fatherly advice I can remember him giving me was 'Son, they are all pink on the inside' when it came to dating advice. They taught me in a round-about way. They were old school and I don't regret having them as parents. Hey...I'm low on my drink. Let's head back." Thinking I painted my parents in negative way, I decided to change the subject.

"So, have you stayed in Anchorage the whole time you been here?"

"Sadly, yes I have. Busy starting the business and such. Settling in apartment and such."

"Well, I can't have that. Have you been to Point Worozof? On rare days, you can catch a great sunset. When it isn't overcast."

"Yea, I noticed it's cloudy here constantly. I don't mind it at all. Great change from it being sunny year round."

Reaching the limo, I open the door for Siren and follow her in "Look alive, James. We're back."

*whew* "I was getting worried there for a bit. I thought I'd have to call the National Guard for SAR operation." he replies. "It was touch & go at first. We almost didn't make it. Good thing I could braid a rope out of my back hair or else we'd have never made it off that island."

"Good thing too or else I would have burned all the rum." she chimes in.

"Well, fair lady. Where is your abode, tell James and we'll give you a ride home. It is late and I need my beauty sleep." I tell her. "What? you're not going to seduce me? I'm hurt."

"Don't get me wrong, for I have ravaged you many times tonight in my mind. I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and I am doing my best to leave my playboy days behind me."

"If you weren't being such a gentleman, I'd let you take advantage of me. For underneath this angel exterior lays a succubus with insatiable hunger." she replies playfully. Derek pulls out of the parking lot and starts driving down the mountain. Reaching the bottom of Gravity Hill, Derek knows what to do. The limo comes to complete stop and Derek puts it into neutral and slowly we climb the hill. Slow going but exciting anways. "Wow, this is too cool, thanks for sharing Aloysius." Several hillside residents pull up behind us and start honking their horns. Crested the hill, Derek puts in gear and he begins to drive her home.

"Here is my cell phone number, call me any time. We'll go view the sunset or drive to Thunderbird Falls or try to see some beluga whales in Turnagain Arm." I tell her as I hand her my business card. *Patrick R. Jones. Consultant 907-867-5309*

"Oh my, it has been a while since I met man like you. I am overwhelmed."

"Well, this is me refined. Usually I'm not this dashing. Actually, I am tired of asking for phone numbers, as I usually get the Movie Fone or some other phone answering service. If figure it's her choice to make the next move."

"Well Aloysius, you sound too good to be true. I just might throw your number away or not call you for weeks making you wait by the phone for me."

"Then the wait will be sweet torture. You do know how to entice me so." I wink. Derek pulls up to her apartment building. I walk her to the door and kiss her goodnight. "Until we meet again."

Walking back to limo, opening the door myself "Again James, thanks for getting the door."

"No problem boss, glad to be of service. What? did you strike out again?"

"Hardly, I'm taking this chase slowly." I inform Derek as he drives off to take me home.

________

That was 10 years ago and I'm missing you daily darling. I cherish our time together as short as it was. Even though we never married, I am glad we shared our lives together.