Nowadays Blog by Crazy Woman Magnet
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Crazy Woman Magnet's blog: "Nowadays"

created on 07/09/2007  |  http://fubar.com/nowadays/b100448

 

LEAD STORY

On May 21, Jesse Robinson either established or tied the unofficial world record for unluckiest underage drinker of all time when he was booked into the Hamilton County, Ohio, jail for underage consumption. According to booking records, Robinson's date of birth is May 22, 1990. [HamiltonCountyJails.info, 5-23-2011]

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Government in Action!

"Common sense lost its voice on this one," concluded a Wethersfield, Conn., city councilman, lamenting the local school board's having spent at least $630,000 to "resolve" an ethics complaint against the board's chairwoman -- all because her son had improperly taken a $400 high school course for free. The town's ethics board conducted more than 60 hours of hearings over 11 months, incurring $407,000 in legal expenses, and finally voted, 3-2, to uphold the complaint. (However, the ethics board ordered only that the chairwoman reimburse the $400; the school board then voted to pay all her legal expenses.) [Hartford Courant, 6-10-2011]

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In June, as five young men gathered around the Mount Tabor Reservoir near Portland, Ore., one urinated in it, thus "contaminating" the 7.2 million gallons that serve the city, and, said Water Bureau administrator David Shaff, necessitating that the entire supply be dumped. Under questioning by the weekly Portland Mercury whether the water is also dumped when an animal urinates in it (or worse, dies in it), Shaff replied, certainly not. "If we did that, we'd be (dumping the water) all the time." Well, asked the reporter, what's the difference? Because, said Shaff (sounding confident of his logic), "Do you want to be drinking someone's pee?" [Portland Mercury, 6-15-2011]

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Police Report

Gregory Snelling, 41, was indicted in June for the robbery of a KeyBank branch in Springfield, Ohio, which was notable more for the foot chase with police afterward. They caught him, but Snelling might deserve "style" points for the run, covered as he was in red dye from the money bag and the fact that he was holding a beer in his hand during the entire chase. [Springfield News-Sun, 6-15-2011]


Least Competent Non-Criminals

In May, in Rensselaer, N.Y., and in June, in Bluefield, W.Va., two men, noticing that police were investigating nearby, became alarmed and fled out of fear of being arrested since both were certain that there were active warrants out on them. Nicholas Volmer, 21, eventually "escaped" into the Hudson River and needed to be rescued, but the police were after someone else, and no warrant was on file against him. Arlis Dempsey Jr., 32, left his three kids on the street in Bluefield to make a run for it before police caught him, but he was not wanted for anything, either. (Both men, however, face new charges -- trespassing for Volmer, and child endangerment for Dempsey.) [Times Union (Albany), 5-5-2011] [Bluefield Daily Telegraph, 6-17-2011]

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Recurring Themes

People sometimes have illicit sex in cemeteries, and when they get really aggressive, tombstones may fall over on top of them. (A randy 39-year-old woman was injured in Hamilton, N.J., in June after a gravestone rolled onto her leg at the Ahavath Israel Cemetery.) [Trenton Times, 6-2-2011]

Motorists who stop along the side of the road at night to relieve themselves are often not careful enough. (In May, a specialty unit from the Renton, Wash., Fire Department was required in order to rescue a urinator who accidentally fell down a 30-foot embankment in south King County and was trapped for several hours.) [Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 5-30-2011]

Getting Shorted

Retail | Miami, FL, USA |

(At our store, we sell individual tea bags for fifty cents each. Free hot tap water and a foam cup come with each bag sold. One customer, a man in his thirties, has been coming in and buying a single bag of tea every Sunday for two years, but he never takes the water or the cup.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund of $50 please.”

Me: “We don’t sell anything that expensive.”

Customer: “Well, I bought 100 of those herbal mixes and they haven’t done a d*** thing.”

Me: “You mean the tea you buy every week?”

Customer: “No, the herbal mixes in the little yellow packets.”

Me: “Yes, that’s tea.”

Customer: “You mean it won’t make my man parts larger?”

Me: “No, it’s a beverage.”

Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.”

(He leaves, disappointed. I never saw him again.)

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(Not So) Smooth Counterfeiting

Drugstore | Chicago, IL, USA | Criminals

(I am ringing up a customer when he hands me a 100 dollar bill.)

Me: “Alright, I just need to check it really quick.”

(I hold the bill up to the light.)

Customer: “It’s okay. I just printed it.”

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Blocks UV-A, UV-B, And Omega-3

Drugstore | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

(I am standing at the cash registers when a customer approaches me with two bottles of sunscreen.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could you tell me the difference between these two?”

(I explain to her they are different brands, different prices, and of different SPF.)

Customer: “Oh, okay. But is one of them fat free?”

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Casting The First Stone

Grocery Store | Elizabethtown, PA, USA |

(A customer comes through my check-out line looking agitated.)

Customer: “How dare you work on a sacred day of rest!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Today is Sunday! Why are you here? You should be in church, you blasphemous heathen! Why are you here?”

Me: “I’m working on Sunday because there are customers that want to buy groceries on Sundays.”

(The customer immediately shut up and didn’t speak for the rest of the time I rang up his groceries).

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Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength

Hotel | Milan, Italy |

Guest: “Do you have a macrowave?”

Me: “You mean a microwave? It’s at the–”

Guest: “I don’t like your microwave. I need a macrowave.”

Me: “There’s no such thing as a macrowave.”

Guest: “Well, your microwave isn’t heating my food fast enough. I want a macrowave instead!”

Me: “Sorry, but it’s a standard microwave. Perhaps you can check if you have it on a low setting?”

Guest: “What?”

Me: “There’s should a dial going from from low to high under the timer dial.”

Guest: “It’s on low.”

Me: “Change it to high.”

Guest: “So, it’s macrowaves now?”

Me: “No, but your food will now heat faster.”

Guest: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. Ring us again if there’s a problem.”

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My Tin Foil Hat Must Be Broken

Cellphone Store | Danville, VA, USA |

(I am helping a woman out with her cellphone. The internet isn’t working properly.)

Me: “I see the problem. Data wasn’t enabled in the settings.”

Customer: “Oh, so it wasn’t Al Qaeda stealing my signal?”

Me: “Haha, no, ma’am.”

Customer: “They’re everywhere, you know!”

Zombies Need Life Insurance Too

Insurance | VA, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to find out about getting life insurance for my sister.”

Me: “Okay, I can connect you with an agent.”

Customer: “Wait, I have a question.”

Me: “No problem, what is your question?”

Customer: “Well, my sister died two days ago. Is that going to make it more expensive?”

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Caller On Line (Number) Two

Retail | Emeryville, CA, USA |

Me: ”Thank you for calling [store]. This is Ella. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need [muddled].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t really hear you.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “I said I can’t hear you too well.”

Customer: “Oh, god d*** it! Hang on!”

(There is a lot of grunting, a fart, and then the toilet flushes)

Customer: “Can you hear me now?!”

It’s Not All Right

Retail | Columbus, OH, USA |

(A confused man is looking through the golf balls in the bin.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes…how can you tell the difference between left-handed and right-handed balls?”

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If You Can’t Bring The Pizza To The Mountain…

Pizza Delivery | Denver, CO, USA |

(Sometimes the customers that call are out of our delivery area. We have to find out which restaurant delivers to them.)

Me: “What are your major cross streets?”

Customer: “Federal and Quincy.”

Me: “Okay. That could be one of two stores. Are you North or South of Quincy Avenue?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Alright. Can you face Quincy from where you are standing?”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Are the mountains on your left or your right?”

Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

Me: “Yeah. But are they to your left or right when facing Quincy?”

Customer: “They are in the west.”

Me: “The mountains are always in the west. If the mountains are to the east of you, you aren’t in Denver.”

Customer: “No. The mountains turn with me.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

Me: “Yeah, that would mean you’re in Denver. Now are they on your left or your right?”

Customer: “I’m telling you, the mountains are in the west!”

Me: “I’m not arguing the geography with you. I’m trying to find out where you are.”

Customer: ”Never mind, you’re an idiot.” *click*

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A-Pee-l For An Appointment, Part 2

Clinic | Utica, NY, USA |

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for drug screening.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed for the day. We open tomorrow at 8.”

Customer: “What! You mean I have to hold it until then?”

Coffee Shop | Ventura, CA, USA | Top

(Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…”

Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?”

Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.”

Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out*

(I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)

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Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism

Travel Agency | Pendel, PA, USA | Top

Customer, calling from a cell phone: “Would you tell me how to get to your office?”

Me: “Sure, where are you now?”

Customer: “That is none of your business. Just tell me how to get there.”

Me: “But to do that, I need to know where you are starting from. Are you in our town?”

Customer: “I told you that is none of your $%@# business.”

(After few more exchanges of this sort…)

Customer: “You are an idiot. Let me speak to your manager.”

Manager, who overheard part of the conversation already: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Tell me how to get to your office.”

Manager: “Well, that depends on where you are starting from.”

Customer: “&@#$#!! Just $%%@# tell me how to get there.”

Manager: “Okay. See the next corner? Turn right there.”

Customer: *click*

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Those Silly Ethnics And Their Funny Words

Grocery Store | Colorado, USA |

Customer: “Do you have burrito wrappers?”

Me: “Do you mean tortillas?”

Customer: “Well I guess you could call them that.”

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DNA Is Such A Bother Anyway

Customer Service | Portland, OR, USA |

Me: “Is she your biological child?”

Customer: “No, no, she’s natural–no scientific stuff.”

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Some Types Of Trouble Are Worth Getting Into

| Texas, USA |

Guest: “Do your steaks come from a cow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guest: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, her name was Maybell and we all will miss her very much…”

Boss: *not laughing*

Restaurant | Jacksonville, FL, USA |

(I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”

Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

(I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

(The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

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Doesn’t Have The Drive To Succeed

Fast Food, Restaurant | Melbourne, Australia |

Me: “Just drive around to the next window and your order will be ready there.”

Customer: *looks worried* “Where is the next window?”

Me: “Just around the corner.”

Customer: “But I can’t see it.”

Me: “That’s because it’s around the corner. Drive around the corner and you will.”

Customer: “I hope I don’t get lost!”

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Cafe | NY, USA |

(At our cafe, a massive puddle has formed after a customer spills a beverage. I quickly get to the process of
cleaning it up. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Why are you doing this when there is a line out the door?!”

Me: “Sir, I have to clean this puddle up for safety reasons. The last thing anyone would like to see is someone slipping on this puddle.”

(Aside from the fact that there are only few people waiting on the line, there are two other baristas helping the customers.)

Customer: “Well, there is a line here, and I can’t believe you are doing this crap! I need to catch the train in a few minutes!”

(I decide that escalating the issue is not worth the effort. I place a wet floor sign on the puddle, and proceed to bring down the line. After the unruly customer gets his beverage, he turns around and steps into the puddle. Lo and behold, he comes crashing down to the floor. He gets up and storms up to me with a furious expression.)

Customer: *fuming* “What the h*** is this?! Why would you leave a dangerous puddle of water on the floor like that? That puddle could have killed me! I’m going to sue for this!”

Me: “Sir, if you can remember, I was in the process of cleaning that before you demanded that the line be brought down quicker. Also, there was a wet floor sign out there clearly stating the hazard.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager of this place! It’s manned by incompetent idiots!”

Me: *with a pleasant smile* “Hi! My name is [name] and I am the manager on duty. How can I help you?”

(The customer’s jaw drops. After staring at me for a couple of seconds, he attempts to mutter something but turns around and scurries out of the store.)

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You Bite It, You Buy It

Charity, Retail | Clitheroe, England, UK |

(I work in a charity shop selling used items. A customer walks up to me with a pair of gloves.)

Customer: “Are these gloves waterproof?”

Me: “They look it, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll just test them out.”

(The customer then proceeds to bite the gloves, covering them with his spit in the process, while everyone close to him looks on in horror.)

Customer: “Yes, I’ll take these.”

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Snobbery Just Won’t Cut It

Hair Salon | London, England, UK | Top

(I am having my hair done in a salon that is just off a very busy shopping street. It is just after 4:30 in the afternoon, when a woman breezes in, carrying a lot of shopping bags.)

Client: “Hello! I have an appointment with [stylist].”

Receptionist: “Do you? I think his client is already here. Can I get your name?”

Client: “It is [name].”

Receptionist: “Ah, I see why there’s some confusion. Your appointment was for 2:00 this afternoon.”

Client: “Yes!”

Receptionist: “And it’s 4:30 now.”

Client: “Yes!”

Receptionist: “So, you’re a bit late.”

Client: “But, he knew I was going to be late!”

Receptionist: “Oh, sorry. Did you ring to let him know?”

Client: “No, but he should have known.”

Receptionist: “Sorry, how should he have known?”

Client: “He knows how beautiful I am, and there are all sorts of sales going on right now. You shouldn’t have your salon here if you don’t know that beautiful people, like me, are going to need to buy things for the summer! I mean, really!”

Receptionist: “I’m very sorry, but your appointment time has passed. Maybe you can wait? [Stylist] is with another client right now.”

(She points to me.)

Client: *suddenly very angry* “Her? But she’s so ugly! It won’t make any difference if she has her hair done. Beautiful people should have their hair done first! The ugly ones should wait!”

(She approaches my chair and tries to remove the foil for my highlights.)

Receptionist: “Madam, I’m going to have to ask you to leave right now. You can’t speak to other clients like that!”

(The woman continues trying to pull me out of the chair. She is hustled out of the salon by a group of stylists and customers, leaving all her bags behind.)

Client: *going out the door* “The ugly ones should waaaaaait!”

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This Caller Is Off The Hook

Call Center | Augusta, GA, USA |

(Note: I have been speaking to this caller for at least a half-hour.)

Me: “Okay, now while we program your new cell phone, I need you to stay on the line on the second cell phone.”

(Suddenly, I hear the sounds of shattering glass, screeching tires and crumpling metal. I hit the emergency button on my phone system and stay on the line, as I am trained to do. Eventually, a deep male voice comes on the line.)

Me: “What is going on?”

Safety worker: “Apparently, your customer was juggling two cell phones while holding a hot coffee between her knees, and driving. Another car admits to not seeing the red-light until it was too late. They t-boned your customer. I have no idea how the h*** I am going to write up this one. Thanks for staying on the line. I am ending this call now.”

Retail | Kraków, Poland

(I want to walk into a retail store. There is a customer of my age (around 22) standing in front of the door. It won’t open for her.)

Customer:Alohomora!”

(The door opens as I walk closer.)

Customer: “Ha! Works!”

(She goes in and I follow her. This is a little store with not much space to wander around. A customer is trying to reach something on the highest shelf.)

Customer:Accio!”

(I shake the shelf a little so the item she wants falls into her arms.)

Customer: “Whoa! It really does work!”

(We proceed to the register, and she pays and leaves. I am in line behind her. When I get out of the store, she’s already there, standing by her car. A policeman is there, too, writing her a ticket.)

Customer: “Oh, but I really just went in for a minute! I didn’t see the sign!”

Policeman: “I’m sorry, miss, there’s nothing I can do. You broke the law by parking here.”

(The customer stares at him blankly, and then glances at me.)

Me: “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Imperio’!”

Flower Shop | Columbia, MO, USA

(The customer is purchasing a large bouquet of flowers.)

Me: “Wow! That’s a big arrangement. Is it a birthday, anniversary or apology?”

Customer: “I slept with my girlfriend’s sister last night.”

Me: “I’m going make you up something bigger with more roses. There’s a gourmet chocolate shop down the road.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

Call Center | Upstate New York, USA

(I work for a telecommunications company doing tech support. It’s 5/20/11, the day before the supposed Rapture, and I am scheduling a work order.)

Me: “Now, sir, I have appointments open for the 21st. Would that work at all?”

Caller: “Well, yes, we should be around, unless we get Raptured. In that case, we might want to cancel it. Or, if we don’t, we might not want to cancel it. Not sure which one is the bigger problem.”

Me: “Sir, I do assure you we are well prepared for either eventuality–return of Christ or not. Now, barring Rapture, I have a 1 – 3 pm and 3 – 5 pm. Which would you’d prefer?”

Caller: “1 – 3 pm. If we don’t get Raptured, we want time for looting.”

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